...can fuck off and die.

If there's a slut in this story, it's me.

I'm the one that was with her even though I loved someone else. I'm the one that took full advantage of her feelings but offered none in return. I'm the one that presented myself to her in October, though I still loved someone else.

It doesn't matter that I did none of those things out of malice. It doesn't matter that we were always completely honest with each other, or that we were at times great together. It doesn't matter that I really did try to give her what she wanted. All that matters is that I failed, and that I hurt her so many times that she stopped feeling safe with me.

One last night, to culminate a long string of last nights. Was that too much to ask for?

I don't think so. I could have resisted, but I didn't. We were good together, after all.

I don't think it was too much to ask for at all. I think it was beautiful.

But, of course, I'm the slut in this story.

I guess I'll just come right out and say it.

She's going back to her ex-boyfriend. The one I call AssholeDave. The one she used to call AssholeDave.

I am, of course, a little sad. That one thing that I've never been able to say to her - he says it so often that it's lost all meaning. If it ever had any.

This feels like about the millionth time we've broken up, even though there was really just the one time almost a year ago.

This time it doesn't really feel real, so this time it probably is.

Some of them you want to protect. Some of them you want to hug, and smell their hair. Some of them you want to watch in awed silence while they sleep beside you. Some of them you want to kiss, ever so softly, and some of them more passionately. Some of them you want to hold their hand. Some of them you want to get lost in their eyes. Some of them you want to fuck. Some of them you want to lick.

Some of them, you want to do all those things.

Those are the best ones.

Why is a dog different from a cat?

Sure, both are furry, and both make good pets, and both will shit on your floor from time to time, but they really are completely different creatures.

So why is this time different from the last time?

Same reason. It's a completely different creature.

This time it's a crush. It's as simple as that.

(girl*smolder)+(guy*lonely+straight)=crush.

The last time, the last time it was something else. Something terrifying, something fascinating, something dangerous.

((girl+sparkles)^unknown)+((guy*clueless)^unknown)=unknown^2

Whatever it was, it most certainly was not a crush. And fuck anyone who tries to dismiss it as such. I was there. I lived through the fucking thing. I died through the fucking thing.

Lately, people talk to me, or they read what little I allow myself to post, and some of them start to think to themselves, Oh shit. Dave's going off his rocker again. Then they either try to talk some sense into me, or they sit back to enjoy the show that they're sure is about to start.

Either way, they're wasting their time. Because this is different. This is normal. This is nothing. Yet.

Fuck. I didn't mean to write the yet part.

Please disregard it.

Thanks.

I've got an idea for an entry.

Actually, I've got another idea.

The first idea was just wrong. It would have been too much. For you to read. For me to post. It was something I wrote in another journal. I'd thought about posting it here, but I changed my mind at the last minute.

That entry doesn't belong here. Even though I've recently stolen a couple of entries from that other journal and posted them here, publicly - this one I just couldn't do. That entry was not written for you, my readers. That entry was written for her.

Besides, I've picked at the bones of that journal enough. I need to let it rest in peace. Just because I murdered the person who wrote in that journal doesn't mean that I shouldn't still show some respect for the dead.

But anyway.

That sudden restraint left me with nothing for this journal. There I was, listed on the JS front page as a reader's pick, and my mind was blank. Blanker than usual, I should say.

Now though, now I've got an idea, for an interesting entry. Maybe even a good one. Wouldn't that be something?

So jodiechalese, a hot Australian girl who much to the dismay of men all over journalspace has apparently vanished, left me a very nice parting gift. She nominated me for the JS reader's pick thingy.

And there I am! Yay for me!

Once the initial shock and gratitude begins to wear off, however, I know that I'll be faced with a problem. A problem that will become painfully obvious to anyone venturing over to my journal because of this publicity.

I'm not very good.

At least not lately.

I'm sitting here, exposed like a fly on a plate, and I've got nothing. No drama. No pain. Not even any joy.

It's just me and my poemish things and my amateurish comics and my mundane entries about my mundane life.

It used to be better than this. I used to be better than this.

So there is some decent stuff in this journal. It's just a lot more difficult to find than it used to be.

Good luck.

This was expected.
I have been waiting for it,
Anticipating.
This is what I have yearned for.
Just a little distraction.

This morning I faced an eight hour work day, and I dreaded it.

Right now, I face a long entry, and I dread it just as much.

Not because it's anything bad, but just because it's a little bit boring to everyone but me.

So I don't think I'll write a long entry or two about last night. I'll just hit the highlights.

After I left Lenscrafters, I went over to the Bluegrass brewpub and had some dinner. With my burger and fries I had a BBC Dark Star Porter (174) and a BBC Alt (220). Both were quite yummy.

I text-messaged SassyGirl to see if she was working or not.

At about the time I left the brewpub, MixedSignalGirl called me.

I didn't call her, she called me.

I just want to make that clear to those readers that have been giving me shit for leading the poor girl on.

Anyway, she was just wanting some company and she wanted it to be me. As it turned out, she's been having a problem with her ex-boyfriend (also named Dave) and she figured that my truck parked in her driveway would do some good.

We talked for a while and ended up going to Red Lobster where I managed to eat some cheesesticks despite already being full from eating at the brewpub.

That was it. We talked about nothing much, and we ate. It was nice though. There was no massive drama bubbling away beneath the surface of either of us.

After I left her house, at around 9:30. I went to send her a text-message thanking her for the company, and I saw that I'd missed about 46 phone calls from SassyGirl. I'd had my stupid phone turned to "completely silent" instead of "vibrate" as I usually do.

Duh.

SassyGirl was at Rich O's, and I went there. While I was on my way, HatGirl text-messaged me asking me where I was. I hadn't expected HatGirl to be there last night, so that was a nice surprise.

The place wasn't too crowded at all, but that was at least partly because I arrived at around 10:00.

To drink, I had a couple glasses of Piraat (155) and a glass of Gulden Draak (140). All were quite yummy.

I think that's all I want to say now.

Told you it was boring.