I've been trying to plan out my Las Vegas trip and I just can't make up my mind what to do.

I'm torn between just going to see O and/or Mystere again or seeing some completely new shows.

Wow, this was sure an exciting entry.

I'd better pace myself or I'll have nothing left for the weekend.

Eric and I just finished cutting some wood flooring.

This was the maybe the second time that my new table saw, bought in the Spring, has ever been used.

Apparently there were all of these little adjustments that should have been made before any cutting was done, but to know that I would have had to actually read the owner's manual.

Like I have time for that. It would seriously cut into my busy schedule of watching TV and going to the bar.

I've got this tradition that I try to do every New Year's Eve.

Every year since my divorce I've been alone on December 31st. And by alone I mean in a spiritual/romantic sense. I simply take that one step further and become alone physically as well. I'll walk out of the party, or the bar, or even my own home, and just get a little privacy.

Only twice since 1991 have I had to change that tradition. As 1996 arrived I was followed out of the bar by a very sweet girl who wanted to give me (and be) my first kiss of the new year. When 1999 turned into 2000 I had several people at my house and we went out on the deck and popped these little bottle-shaped plastic thingies that shot streamers out.

On every other New Year's Eve that time between 11:55 and 12:05 has been my own. I like to reflect on all that's happened in the old year, imagine all that might happen in the new year, and just generally relax and let my thoughts flow.

I'll usually give each year an informal grading - 1991 and 1992 were very good years, 1995 and 1998 were very bad - that kind of thing. I try to be fair. I try to remember everything important (good or bad) that's happened, not just those things that are still fresh in my mind.

I do this on New Year's Eve because it provides a fairly obvious division between time frames. I suppose my birthday would serve just as well. Dates that I can point to on a calendar and say "On this day I noted the end of one era and the beginning of another."

On December 31st, 2004, I expect to be alone again, and I expect I'll seek some privacy, when the time comes, to say goodbye to the old year and welcome the new year as I've become accustomed.

This year though, there'll be something different. I not only expect to be alone as the new year arrives, I expect to feel alone as well. This will be something new for me.

I've always been quite able to enjoy the pleasure of my own company - In many ways I've preferred it.

This year will be different. There will be an emptiness accompanying me outside, and I have to say I'm not looking forward to the uncomfortable silence between us.

I will welcome the new year though, as I've welcomed them all. I don't yet know what grade I'll give the year 2004 but it'll certainly get an "A" for effort.

Actually the grading isn't really important. The important part is the serious reflection. The grade is just the end to the more important means.

So why am I writing this entry now, on November 4th, instead of waiting for late December like a sane person?

Because New Year's Eve is man-made. It has no more significance than any other night except that which we give it.

Sometime during the past few weeks I passed a milestone that out milestones anything that an artificial holiday nearly two months away could ever do.

I've seen great changes both externally and internally, and reflecting on these changes has made me (painfully at times) quite aware that this Fall is indeed the end of an era and the beginning of a new one.

Whether it's marked the beginning of a new emotional growth spurt, or simply the end of my sanity, that remains to be seen. All I know is that this is important and I will give it the consideration it deserves.

So tonight, when normal people are getting ready for bed, I'll be out on my deck.

Remembering.

Anticipating.

Just enjoying my own company for a while.

Tomorrow I'll start a new era. One that will encompass its own events. One that will probably, for a while at least, look an awful lot like the era it replaces.

After that, who knows what will happen?

I think - I'm too lazy to actually confirm this, but I think - that my entries have been following a weekly cycle.

On the weekends it's pretty much drunken ramblings. I think this is when my true personality appears. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is left as an exercise to the reader.

Early in the work week I tend to be a little more contemplative and so I imagine the bullshit in my 'blog gets piled a little deeper as I try to translate my thoughts to words.

Late in the week, like tonight, I start to feel apprehensive about the upcoming days so my entries probably take on a more nervous and rambling quality.

Basically, I'm coasting. Spending the week either rehashing the previous weekend or anticipating the next one. I'm seriously stuck in the triangle that TallLady and I have discussed. The one that consists of work, home, and Rich O's.

Well maybe stuck is the wrong word. I'm actually fairly content with things as they are right now. I have little to look forward to anymore, but I also have little to fear. I'm no longer bound to the commitments and the restrictions that until lately I'd been forcing on myself.

I could break out of the triangle.

I just don't want to.

I kind of feel like I've been babbling a lot here lately.

Oh, I pretty much always babble in real life, so I suppose I shouldn't be too concerned when that tendency shows up in my 'blog, but dammit, I do have things to say and I'd like to be able to say them with at least a modicum of eloquence.

Part of the reason for my recent dissatisfaction is that I've been reading a lot of other 'blogs online lately. There are some very good writers out there, and I suppose I've been feeling a little humbled. I need only go here or here or here (the latter being the 'blog of probably the prettiest girl I've ever seen) and I end up feeling like a mildly-retarded blind child. Writing with a crayon. Using the wrong hand. Underwater. While Drunk.

Another thing that's been holding me back... The number one thing on my mind remains the same and I'm unwilling and/or unable to expound on it any more than I already have. You people sneaking around with your e-mails and such will need to find some other cheap means of entertainment for a while. I have reached a point where there's nothing new that I care to say on the subject.

Finally, I suppose that the number one reason I've been babbling a lot lately is because that's what my brain has been doing. If I cannot hold a particular thought or idea in my head for more than a few minutes it's kind of hard to get it all typed up nice and pretty.

Just a short entry to say that I'm shocked at how lopsided all of the one man, one woman referendums turned out last night.

I think there's a huge difference between true morality and what I call biblical morality.

To me, two of the most important hallmarks of true morality are tolerance and acceptance, I'm really surprised that, as a nation, we're still so high and mighty when it comes to things like this.

I truly thought people had grown. I know I have.

I guess I just got lucky.

(crossposted to the pool 'blog)

To properly experience election night, I've decided to watch the returns in the basement while I play pool.

I will pretend that it's Bush vs. Kerry.

While playing as Kerry, I will alternate between left and right handed play, and I will always choose the most complicated route to the pocket.

While playing as Bush, I will keep my eyes closed and blast everything as hard as I can.

I don't understand what's so fascinating about August, September, and October.

I have over a year's worth of entries yet you only read the last three months.

The interesting stuff started way before then.

wea-ry
adj.
1. Physically or mentally fatigued.

wea-ried
v.
1. To make or become weary.

Thanks for sort of clearing that up.

The word "careful" has been such an unspoken motto of mine that I should probably have it tatooed on my chest.

That motto has kept me safe and sane for several years but I fear it may have lost its power recently.

I'll do the best I can.

(I'm still intrigued about the e-mail though.)

Last night marked the second Halloween in a row in which I had zero trick-or-treat visitors.

Maybe it's the black stray cat that's taken up residence on my porch.

Maybe the kids are afraid of that spooky old man Siltz.

But I really don't think it's either of those reasons.

I think the kids are all in the subdivisions and apartment complexes.

That's fine though. More candy for me.

Moohaha.