I was in a pretty good mood and I just couldn't stand it.

I just couldn't leave well enough alone.

I typed the name of a small town in Google's search field, clicked on one of the first returned links, and felt my eyes welling up before the page had even finished loading.

To cheer me back up, here is a joke from one of the 'blogs I read:

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing.

The four year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass" OK?"

"OK," the four year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Last night I had an absolutely brilliant idea. One that would hopefully provide answers to a lot of the questions plaguing me.

Today I've spent several hours trying to bring that idea to fruition.

I'm giving up. What I'm looking for is either too well hidden or it doesn't exist at all.

Maybe it's one of those deals where what I don't know can't hurt me.

The hell with that. I still want to know.

Maybe I'll look some more.

I just had a lovely conversation with LaptopGirl which I will now paraphrase:

Hi Da t is da. W you Vegas? I hours fr the.

And pretty much so on.

It was of course wonderful to hear from her. Helps keep me going.

Step one: Randomly cycle through these mood extremes:

heart-bro-ken
adj.
1. Suffering from or exhibiting overwhelming sorrow, grief, or disappointment.

ex-hil-a-ra-ted
adj.
1. Made joyful.
2. Happily refreshed and energetic; elated.

fu-ri-ous
adj.
1. Full of or characterized by extreme anger; raging.

dis-com-bob-u-la-ted
adj.
1. Having self-possession upset; thrown int a state of confusion.

dis-ap-point-ed
adj.
1. Tharted in hope, desire, or expectation.

ex-u-ber-ant
adj.
1. Full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy.

Step two: Limit sleep to between two and three hours nightly.

Step three: Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

Note: Be careful not to stop at any mood other than these extremes, lest you be mistaken for a sane person.

Just a quick note - mostly a follow-up to my Saturday entry.

Way back then I wrote that I wasn't able to give a fair tasting to Traquair Jacobite Ale because my senses had been overpowered by the Stone Smoked Porter I'd started the night with.

Well this evening I was able to correct that injustice.

While waiting for my yummy chicken-sausage-mushroom calzone I sat on the couch at Rich O's and enjoyed a bottle of Jacobite. RealTrainGirl was there and we spent a few minutes talking about my uncle, her girlfriend, and LaptopGirl.

(Just a quick edit to point out that a)those are three different people, and b)I didn't bring up the topic of LaptopGirl and I kinda wish I could go through a single conversation without being reminded of how much I miss her. In the case of RealTrainGirl though, I know she's just concerned and not prying.)

The Jacobite is, as I suspected on Saturday, quite an interesting beer. Very complex, with flavors I don't think I've ever encountered before. The stuff was good, though perhaps just a little too fruity for me to say I really liked it. I will have it again sometime though.

The clock is counting down...

...to calzone time!

I've fallen completely in love with the calzones at Rich O's.

Today wil mark the sixth weekday day out of the last ten that I go to Rich O's after work, order a calzone to go, and have a nice beer while I wait.

Among the many things TrainGirl and I talked about the other night was the subject of Astrology.

To call me skeptical would be accurate, but I've still found the topic interesting at times.

Times like last night, when I realized that five of the women I've most cared about have been born during the same week. Not the same years but the same month and nearly the same day.

In fact, three of these women were born on the same day.

That's pretty weird I think.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a brief entry about writing a letter that I didn't plan to send.

The gist of that entry was that it felt really freeing to be able to write something without worrying about how the readers of this 'blog would react, and that the whole thing reminded me of my old paper journals in that they represented the real me. The secret me that only I knew.

So freeing, in fact, that I took it one step further and opened up an entire new 'blog, on another site, where I could vent and rant and rave anonymously. A completely separate place that I figured could contain the things that I needed to let out but couldn't in my real 'blog.

So I set up this other 'blog, and started posting.

I started with the letter I mentioned. For the next several days, I put up about an entry per day. I vented to people. I vented about people. Hell, I even wrote a little story about some bullshit that could have happened but didn't because of a butterfly.

It was a very good feeling, that being able to write whatever I wanted without fear of repercussions.

Then I stopped. Here's why:

Reason The First.

These anonymous entries were, to me, better than almost anything I'd ever written in my regular 'blog. I'd get messages from people wanting me to fill in the holes in my story but I couldn't without breaking my cover. And in the end, I found myself letting my public 'blog slip while I let the private one become my main target for expression. When I did make a public entry I became paranoid that I'd be repeating some anonymous entry and someone (you get one guess) would put the pieces together. I didn't like the way things were turning, so that's the first reason I stopped the anonymous 'blog.

Reason The Second.

I was proud of some of that writing and, more than that, I identified with it. Those entries were from the real me, but I was the only one who knew it. In the end I figured that a toned-down public entry was better than a balls-to-the-wall private one. At least with my public 'blog people would know what I was thinking and feeling even if they didn't know how strong those thoughts and feelings were becoming. One of the reasons I write is to help the people in my life understand what's going on in my head, and that wasn't happening. So that's the second reason I stopped the anonymous 'blog.

Reason the Third.

I reached a point where I couldn't write anymore. One night I sat here at my keyboard for what seemed like hours and I was just unable to put together a single coherent thought. There was simply too much emotion and confusion, and reading the entries I'd already posted only made things worse. It was just too personal. I'd been writing things about myself that even I wasn't ready to face. And that's the third reason I stopped the anonymous 'blog and deleted the account.

Why am I dedicating an entry here to a series of entries that no longer exists in a journal that no longer exists?

Because today I got this e-mail:

Hi Dave,

I know you probably still want to be anonymous but I wanted you to know that the things you wrote and the feelings you've been having are nothing to be ashamed about. The thing's you?re going through are tough. I see that even more now that I've read your real journal. They're tough but we all go through these things. I know I have, and reading the things you wrote made me realize that I wasn't alone either. I think you expressed yourself very well and you even made me cry several times!

I don't think you should hide. I think you should keep writing about what you're feeling and just let the chips fall as they say.

Even if you don't take my advice I hope you'll at least keep writing because I want to know what happens next.

I feel like I've gotten to know you a little bit by reading all of your journal and I think you must be a pretty cool person.

Sincerely,
(name withheld by Dave)

I appreciate what she wrote. A part of me even agrees with her that maybe I should be a little more forthcoming in my entries.

But I don't think it'll happen. I may have learned to open up quite a bit since I started writing this 'blog a little over a year ago but I haven't opened up that much. I still have restraint, and that's probably a good thing since I'm not the only person that might be affected by some of my more honest ramblings.

So I don't think I'm quite ready to unleash myself on the world, but I will keep writing.

I am a pretty cool person, and I want to know what happens next too.

Yesterday I went to a wedding. One of my cousins on my dad's side decided to take the plunge and marry a guy that looks, oddly enough, a lot like one of my cousins on my mom's side.

The things I wanted to say about the wedding are these:

1. This was only the second church wedding I've attended. To me there was what seemed to be an awful lot of talk about God and His "One Man, One Woman" plan. I guess you have to expect all of the religious talk in a church wedding, but I actually thought the guy got a little too political.

2. The bride's side of the aisle had about 50 people. The groom's side had maybe 10. I don't know what the story is there but I'm sure it's an interesting one.

3. Neither of the bride's brothers made the trip from TN to attend. These are the same brothers that didn't make the trip a week earlier when their father had emergency bypass surgery. According to an informal poll (I asked some people at Rich O's) it is not unreasonable to drive 600 miles to see your father for what may be the last time before he has major emergency surgery. According to the same poll it is not unreasonable to make that same drive to attend the wedding of your sister.

4. That's all I can think of.

(The previous entry actually stems from a conversation that occurred before Saturday night. I just happened to be intoxicated enough late Saturday night to write that rambling mess. Saturday night itself was a pretty good night, all things considered.)

Saturday night, thankfully, Rich O's wasn't nearly as crowded as it had been on Friday.

There was nobody I recognized at the bar or in the living room area so I sat at the island and pondered what was the first happy mood I'd experienced in several weeks. I ended up having a couple bottles of Stone Smoked Porter while listening to the strangers sitting nearby arguing about whether picking the meat out of chili made it vegetarian or not. (He was right, she was wrong. If you cook it with meat then it's not a vegetarian meal.)

The Stone Smoked Porter is a very good beer, and it's even better when it's the first beer of a session. I ended up having a second bottle while I searched the beer menu and planned out my beer for the rest of the night.

At one point I got sick of the bickering about chili and I went over to the living room area where MisunderstoodGirl and I talked for a few minutes before her break ended.

I ordered a Traquair Jacobite Ale which was something I'd never had before.

I still can't really say that I've had it. I got the impression that it was very good but the Stone had overpowered my senses and so I really cannot give a fair description of the Jacobite.

Anyway, after a while TrainGirl came in and she and I spent the rest of the evening talking. I pretty much told her everything that's been going on inside me. She's a very good listener and I hope a very good keeper of secrets because I told her some things that I'd never told anyone before.

NotGeorge came and joined us at one point but he snuck out later. I think he may have felt left out as I was too busy confessing everything to TrainGirl to pay much attention to anyone else.

My last beer of the night was a Corsendonk Pater and I had the same problem with it that I've already described about the Jacobite. I just couldn't tell what it tasted like because of the Stone I'd had earlier.

I've promised myself to try both the Jacobite and the Corsendonk the next time I'm at Rich O's.

The night ended with me, TrainGirl, MisunderstoodGirl, and OddlyPrettyGirl sitting in the living room area just basically passing the time. It was quite pleasant. LaptopGirl had called briefly but cut the call short, promising to call back, then never did.