Hey shithead,

I have nothing to be ashamed about.

No matter how you try to spin it the central fact stays the same, a very important person in my life has gone away. Maybe forever for all I know.

I don't really care how pathetic you think it is that this has affected me this much.

I'm sad and I have every fucking right to be sad.

It would be worse if I wasn't sad. That would pretty much invalidate the last six months of my life. It's for this reason that I'm not even pretending to be unaffected.

So take your armchair therapy and shove it up your ass.

You fucking prick. I'd like to see how you'd handle the same situation.

But before that could happen you'd have to have an actual friend, and I don't expect that to happen anytime soon.

You sit there all fucking smug and you say you'd never let yourself get into my situation. You think you're better than me?

You're an asshole.

And if you spend the rest of your life never being hurt it will be because you never let anyone get close to you at all.

This situation I'm in - I certainly didn't ask for this. I didn't want it. I didn't see it coming.

And I wouldn't erase it if I could.

I know that a week ago I'd have given anything to undo what's been done. But these are interesting times I live in. I've been able to see through the pain of the last two weeks and appreciate what it took to get me to this point.

I've been able to realize what I've gained that has not been lost.

I've regained my humanity, and if the process is painful then that's because it's worth the pain.

So I hurt, big deal. I have a hole in my life, big whoop. I also have some things you'll never have while you sit all snug in your self-righteousness.

I have feelings.

I have the ability to value another person's happiness before my own.

I have the ability to hope, and to imagine the good instead of the merely safe.

A message I got today via my form thingy:

Great Site!!

Thanks, anonymous Internet person! I do it all for you!

Happy Birthday to my little sister Neisha!

I didn't really forget your birthday. I just forgot what yesterday's date was.

I swear.

(Everybody gets different nicknames for this entry. Just mixing things up a little.)

I don't know how to start this entry.

The most natural place to start would be at the beginning, but what was the beginning?

Was it when I arrived at Rich O's? Was it when ZodiacGirl called to see if I was going to Rich O's? Perhaps it was sometime during the day when I began imagining all kinds of scenarios, each one worse than the one before, that had me all but convinced that setting foot outside my door would be a very bad idea.

Because even though my life and my mood have taken a turn very much for the worse, there's still a lot of room for things to degrade even more.

If I hadn't already used up the balancing metaphor back in August this would be a perfect time to whip it out. Back then I flailed my arms to stay happy. Now happiness isn't really an option and I need a new metaphor.

Hmmmm.

Oooh! I know! I'm in a frying pan, trying to keep out of the fire! That's a good one!

Yesterday, as I mentioned, I kept thinking up all these ways that Friday night could possibly play out. I wanted to get all of the possibilities in my head so (a)I wouldn't be surprised by any of them, and (b)I would know how to respond. What ended up happening wasn't the worst thing I imagined, but it was far from the best.

I got out of the shower last night and found that ZodiacGirl had left a message. She needed to know if I was going keep my promise to be her eyes and ears at Rich O's while she was away. Being blown off on Monday, having no contact all week, then being called on Friday for this reason - I suppose now we know just who misses who the most.

I win! I am the saddest! Yay for me!

Anyway, I called ZodiacGirl back and promised to call her from the bar and tell her the happenings therein and read her horoscope to her.

On the way, I stopped to see TracingGirl. I had to tell her that she needed to snap me up quickly as I surely wouldn't be on the market for long. Maybe I'd start rebuilding the walls that had crumbled lately, or maybe I'd succumb to the charms of someone like the old lady at Wendy's. I told TracingGirl that for this very brief period I was both vulnerable and unattached so she'd better act quickly.

When I arrived at Rich O's I wanted to turn around and leave. The place was very very crowded and there was no place to sit and there was nobody I knew there. I couldn't leave until I'd made my report to ZodiacGirl though. I called her, got her voicemail, and read her horoscope to her as she'd requested.

I decided to stay for just one beer. I sat at the couch, ordered myself a Kwak, and did my best to ignore the weirdoes sitting all around me.

It's amazing how alone a person can feel in a crowded room.

Perhaps the loathing I was radiating towards the weirdoes actually worked. Perhaps they were leaving anyway. What was important is that they did leave shortly after I'd sat down. I ordered myself another Kwak and talked to ZodiacGirl again on the phone. I told her that there was nobody but a bunch of strangers there and that was pretty much the gist of the three or four more conversations we had last night.

At one point I looked up and was very surprised to see my sister and her fiancé Kenny come in! Dina knew my mood and I guess wanted to help cheer me up. It worked.

The three of us sat around while Dina and I talked about dreams and nightmares and other fluff.

SunburnGirl joined us for a while.

There was a girl that looked like a cross between ZodiacGirl and CannonGirl. And she was cute. So now I know that those two would have cute kids if only biology would allow it.

I had a Mad Bitch.

ZodiacGirl called a couple more times. I told her I missed her and that nobody interesting had appeared at Rich O's.

Once Dina and Kenny and SunburnGirl had left I had myself a Guinness in ZodiacGirl's honor then talked with BusDude for a while about his party next Friday. I will probably go.

Maybe I'll take WendysLady.

So yesterday I was standing at the counter at Wendy's, waiting for my chicken strips to get finished. There were several other customers standing around me as this particular Wendy's is often quite slow.

At one point a black woman, probably between 55 and 60 years old, comes out from the kitchen smiling and waving in my direction.

I should point out that I've never seen this woman before in my life, or if I did, then I've certainly never talked to her.

I turned around to see who she was gesturing to, but there was nobody behind me.

She smiled again and told me that I really looked nice. Nicer than normal was what I inferred.

I told her that I was usually there on Fridays, which is casual dress day, and that she probably hadn't seen me on a Thursday (in a tie) before.

That seemed to satisfy her. She told me it was nice to see me, and again told me how nice I looked.

Then she went back to the rear of the restaurant, perhaps to masturbate.

I suppose it's nice to know I'll still have options even after I scare all the attractive young women away.

Since I'm not sleeping any more, I've used all that extra time to tweak my 'blog software to include links to newer or older entries.

This should be a refreshing change from having to wade through all those monthly entries.

Or maybe I'm the only one who'll notice.

I've had a horrible premonition.

I know this is hard to believe, because all of my recent entries have been nothing but fuzzy bunnies and dancing fairies, but take my word for it - it's bad.

Were this to actually come to fruition I'm pretty sure that my only recourse would be to spontaneously burst into flames.

I'm pretty sure that would get misinterpreted as well.

The following people rock:    Ted Nugent

The following people most definitely do not rock:    Clay Aiken

These lists are not meant to be all-inclusive.

I sit here wanting to type an entry but I find myself lacking the words.

Actually I'm not exactly lacking for words, just coherent thoughts.

My thoughts are evolving too quickly. I can't get my brain wrapped around anything long enough to make a sentence out of it.

Shock, sadness, relief, anger, disappointment, curiosity, blame, determination, grief, fear, speculation, impatience, regret, doubt, depression, wonder, pessimism, optimism, nervousness, callousness, understanding, drama, accusation, resignation...

I could go on and on. At night, instead of allowing me to sleep, my mind takes these and countless other thoughts and creates elaborate storylines that branch madly, twisting and weaving, joining and separating, spreading and collapsing. None ever finish. None ever get wrapped up in the end. I resolve nothing then finally I sleep out of sheer exhaustion.

The simple facts are that I don't know what to think, or what to say, or what to do. I don't even know if I should think or say or do anything.

Things are as they are. Life is not a movie where you get to live happily ever-after. There might not be a pot of gold for every rainbow, or a silver lining for every cloud, or a dawn for every dark night.

I suppose I'll keep looking for those things though. I'm at least open to the possibility of their existence. I've at least learned that much.

Six thousand one hundred and eleven days, nineteen hours, forty-four minutes and twenty-one seconds...

Six thousand one hundred and eleven days, nineteen hours, forty-four minutes and twenty-two seconds...

Six thousand one hundred and eleven days, nineteen hours, forty-four minutes and twenty-three seconds...

...

...

...

Damn.

One second...

Two seconds...

Three seconds...