I was sure that when I hid the key to the human's door that the vacuum lady would never be able to come again.

On Tuesday she tried to get in the house, but she couldn't and she had to leave.

I was on top of the world.

Then on Wednesday the stupid human left the stupid door unlocked so the stupid vacuum lady could get in the stupid house.

So now, not only do I have to worry about the vacuum lady, I also have to worry about humans just wandering in off the street to get me because the human leaves the door unlocked.

I have to try to remember where I hid the key so I can give it back to the human. At least that way I only have to worry about the vacuum lady.

And believe me, that's bad enough.

Oh, the terror!

Lately the human has become obsessed with petting me.

I can't sit still for more than ten minutes before he starts calling my name and stuff. Then he tries to be all sneaky-like, pretending that all he wants to do is give me a quick petting, but then he grabs me and carries me to the couch!

I try to humor the poor thing and let myself be petted and brushed, but I really wish he'd lay off and go bother Happy or Buddy for a while.

The human should know by now that the only time I completely trust him is when we're in the water room and he lets me drink the water from the faucet.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so darn cute!

The human has stopped giving us food.

I mean, he hasn't stopped FEEDING us, he just stopped giving us FOOD to eat.

What we get instead are these disgusting little pellets that look like food but aren't.

Buddy says that the little pellets are "diet" cat food and that it's because I'm so fat and because Nugget couldn't pee that one time.

I'm unfamiliar with this word "diet" but I do know what "food" is and these pellets are not food.

I want to know why Buddy always blames everything on me and Nugget. Like he's so perfect or something. At least Nugget and I know how to use the stupid litterbox.

I like to look out the window, waiting for the outside cat to show up to eat. It's fun to scratch at the window like I'm going to get her! Sometimes she even notices me.

Recently there's been a new attraction - a miniature ugly cat!

Buddy says it's a baby of the normal-sized ugly cat (Buddy made up the word "opossum" for it) but that would mean that the ugly cat had sex and nothing that ugly could ever even get a date!

Buddy thinks he's so smart, but I know better.

The miniature ugly cat is obviously a horrible mutant, and the mutations were obviously caused by some horrible chemical agent that the vacuum lady is testing out before setting a trap for me! The vacuum lady is always spraying stuff all over the house, but luckily I've been immune to her potions so far.

I'd better keep a close eye on the miniature mutated ugly cat just in case it's contagious.

Well it looks like the human has finally fixed whatever it was that was broken, because I was able to log in again.

Luckily not much has been going on here that was worth posting about EXCEPT:

The curse I put on the outside cat seems to be working. She just keeps getting thinner and thinner. I feel a little bad for her but I had to teach her a lesson for that one time she ran into the house and ate some of MY food.

One day a few weeks ago Nugget started freaking out because he couldn't pee. I thought that was pretty cool - he wouldn't be using MY litterbox as much - but the human felt sorry for the little brat and put him in the Cage of Doom and took him to the shot lady's house. When Nugget came home he smelled like medicine and now he can pee again.

Shortly after that, maybe even the same day, the human changed our brand of food. The new stuff tastes okay I guess, but I really liked the chewy centers of the old food.

Let's see, about the only other thing that's been going on has been that Happy is going through some kind of midlife crisis or something. He's running and jumping all over the place and one time he even managed to get his fat ass up on the kitchen counter. Then he was too scared to jump back down so he had to wait for the human to come home. That was pretty funny.

Normally on a day like today I'd be posting about the scary thing that happened.

Today, for instance, there were strange humans spraying water all over the house.

But for some reason I just didn't feel scared. It was just too strange to seem scary. I mean - what kind of drugs does a human have to be on to spend an entire day spraying water on a house?

Hello - water falls from the sky on a regular basis.

It's called rain. Look it up.

I'm always kidding Nugget for being such a chicken-shit. He's scared of his own shadow and cowers in fear every time the human's telephone rings.

This time he's right to be scared. Hell I'm scared too and I'm regarded as a pretty brave cat.

No amount of bravery, however, can cancel out the incredible terror caused by scores of humans stomping and pounding and ripping on the roof of the house for what seems like days and days.

They arrived yesterday morning just after the human left for work. Several trucks filled with humans speaking a strange language and leaning climbing toys against the house.

I tried to get them to leave by pooping on the floor, but they didn't seem to care. One of them even looked in though the window and stared right at me!

The next thing that happened you probably won't believe, but it's really true. The strange humans started taking the human's house apart!! They kept ripping things off the roof and flinging them to the ground!!

It was then that I figured out what the strange humans were doing. They were going to dig through the roof and kill and eat us cats!! And not just Nugget!! They were going to eat me and Happy too!!

Once I figured out their evil plan I knew what I had to do.

First I pooped on the floor again. Second I got my ass downstairs and joined Happy and Nugget in the hiding room.

For hours and hours the strange humans tore at the roof. I could hear their evil laughing and their devil language. I was sure that at any moment they would come bursting into the hiding room and we'd all be goners!

Somehow, I don't know how, but somehow the roof has managed to withstand their assault. The human came home and the other humans left. Probably to terrorize other houses.

Funny, but the human didn't seem as mad about his roof being all torn up as I'd have thought he'd be.

Lately the outside cat has been joined by the yellow cat and the mostly-black cat for its evening meals on the porch.

I like to glare at all the cats through the window. Then when I get their attention I scratch at the glass and really freak them out!

Sometimes they even stop eating, 'cause they know I'm so tough!

One of my favorite things has always been when the human turns on the faucet so I can drink water.

That has all changed now. The water tastes funny. Buddy says that the new cat trap in the basement is really a water softener and that's why the water tastes different.

All I know is that I don't like it. I hope the human gets rid of the thing in the basement.

The last few weeks have been horrible!

Between the humans coming to catch me, and the outside cat coming into the house (and staying!) I haven't really been myself.

Today there was parade of humans here to kill me! One of them set up some kind of elaborate trap in the basement. I could here him banging away on the pipes for most of the morning.

Another one kept turning the lights off and on. He kept coming into the box room, but luckily he never found me.

And I don't even want to think about all the humans I heard talking upstairs. There must have been million of them!

I'm not big enough to feed a million humans. Can't they see that and just leave me alone?

Happy's fat. Maybe they should eat him first and then maybe they'd be too full to look for me.