I used to really like the vacuum lady. She was nice to me and she would pet me.

Now I'm scared of her.

She's just weird.

She puts water all over the kitchen and then, she wipes the water off.

What's up with that?

Why not just, Oh I dunno, not put water all over the kitchen in the first place?

And don't even get me started with all the vacuuming.

At least today she didn't vacuum the basement, so I had that as a safe zone.

The human has apparently stopped all pretense of being nice.

Today he brought in this huge thing from the garage.

It's all made of glass and it's all dirty and stuff. I'm sure it's some kind of newfangled cat trap!

I've tried to be nice to the human, even though lately, as I wrote earlier, he's been obsessed with picking me up and petting me.

I guess that now the picking up and the petting isn't enough. The human is going to trap me in the new cat trap and torture me!

Or maybe even leave me in the trap for the vacuum lady to find!

Oh, the horror!

I was sure that when I hid the key to the human's door that the vacuum lady would never be able to come again.

On Tuesday she tried to get in the house, but she couldn't and she had to leave.

I was on top of the world.

Then on Wednesday the stupid human left the stupid door unlocked so the stupid vacuum lady could get in the stupid house.

So now, not only do I have to worry about the vacuum lady, I also have to worry about humans just wandering in off the street to get me because the human leaves the door unlocked.

I have to try to remember where I hid the key so I can give it back to the human. At least that way I only have to worry about the vacuum lady.

And believe me, that's bad enough.

Oh, the terror!

I like to look out the window, waiting for the outside cat to show up to eat. It's fun to scratch at the window like I'm going to get her! Sometimes she even notices me.

Recently there's been a new attraction - a miniature ugly cat!

Buddy says it's a baby of the normal-sized ugly cat (Buddy made up the word "opossum" for it) but that would mean that the ugly cat had sex and nothing that ugly could ever even get a date!

Buddy thinks he's so smart, but I know better.

The miniature ugly cat is obviously a horrible mutant, and the mutations were obviously caused by some horrible chemical agent that the vacuum lady is testing out before setting a trap for me! The vacuum lady is always spraying stuff all over the house, but luckily I've been immune to her potions so far.

I'd better keep a close eye on the miniature mutated ugly cat just in case it's contagious.

I'm always kidding Nugget for being such a chicken-shit. He's scared of his own shadow and cowers in fear every time the human's telephone rings.

This time he's right to be scared. Hell I'm scared too and I'm regarded as a pretty brave cat.

No amount of bravery, however, can cancel out the incredible terror caused by scores of humans stomping and pounding and ripping on the roof of the house for what seems like days and days.

They arrived yesterday morning just after the human left for work. Several trucks filled with humans speaking a strange language and leaning climbing toys against the house.

I tried to get them to leave by pooping on the floor, but they didn't seem to care. One of them even looked in though the window and stared right at me!

The next thing that happened you probably won't believe, but it's really true. The strange humans started taking the human's house apart!! They kept ripping things off the roof and flinging them to the ground!!

It was then that I figured out what the strange humans were doing. They were going to dig through the roof and kill and eat us cats!! And not just Nugget!! They were going to eat me and Happy too!!

Once I figured out their evil plan I knew what I had to do.

First I pooped on the floor again. Second I got my ass downstairs and joined Happy and Nugget in the hiding room.

For hours and hours the strange humans tore at the roof. I could hear their evil laughing and their devil language. I was sure that at any moment they would come bursting into the hiding room and we'd all be goners!

Somehow, I don't know how, but somehow the roof has managed to withstand their assault. The human came home and the other humans left. Probably to terrorize other houses.

Funny, but the human didn't seem as mad about his roof being all torn up as I'd have thought he'd be.

The last few weeks have been horrible!

Between the humans coming to catch me, and the outside cat coming into the house (and staying!) I haven't really been myself.

Today there was parade of humans here to kill me! One of them set up some kind of elaborate trap in the basement. I could here him banging away on the pipes for most of the morning.

Another one kept turning the lights off and on. He kept coming into the box room, but luckily he never found me.

And I don't even want to think about all the humans I heard talking upstairs. There must have been million of them!

I'm not big enough to feed a million humans. Can't they see that and just leave me alone?

Happy's fat. Maybe they should eat him first and then maybe they'd be too full to look for me.

I should have known something was going on.

First, the vacuum lady shows up twice in three days. Then, the food lady comes and sprays water all over the floor! Finally, the human cleaned his office. That alone should have been enough to tip me off.

But it wasn't.

I'm lucky to be alive.

Tonight every human on the planet came to the human's house to try to kill me! They started showing up this evening. The food lady was the first one here, and she brought a miniature human with her. I barely had time to get to my secret hiding place before the humans just started pouring in.

There were miniature humans, wrinkly humans, humans of all shapes and sizes. They were all united with one goal - to catch and kill me!

I could tell that this human invasion was no laughing matter when Buddy and Happy came into the box room to hide with me. They never do that.

For hours the humans searched the house for me. I could hear the miniature humans especially well - they'd run up and down the stairs trying to flush me out. One time a strange lady human came in to the box room, but luckily Happy scared her off before she saw me. Happy is my hero. Later the vacuum lady came in and almost caught me!

After a long time all the humans left, probably to go to some other house to find a worse hider than me! I'm so glad I have such a good secret hiding place or I'd be a goner for sure!

So Friday the vacuum lady comes and does her vacuum thing. I remember that the vacuum lady used to give me food, but this "diet" thing that the human is doing to me has apparently put a stop to that. Now when the vacuum lady shows up there's nothing in it for me but terror.

Later that night the human came home with a big box. I was pretty excited about the box because, you know, it could have FOOD in it. But it didn't have food. It had a vacuum cleaner in it. Before I could even come to grips with this information the new vacuum woke up and pulled the human around the room for a while. Luckily he was able to control it and it eventually went back to sleep.

The next day the human came home with another big box, and you may not believe this but there was ANOTHER vacuum cleaner in it! It came in a lot of pieces and I thought that meant it was dead but the human put it all together and fixed it! Why would he do that?

This new vacuum cleaner woke up and pulled the human through every room in the house before he finally wrestled it into the closet!

So now there are three living vacuums in the house, plus a couple of dead ones in the box room, and those really loud ones that spray water.

It's quite an infestation we've got here.

If the human brings home another box tonight I may have to move.

Aieeeeeee!

The outside cat came inside the house today!

It was just horrible! The human came home and got a cup of food for the outside cat like always. But this time when the human tried to go to the garage to feed the outside cat she ran into the house! Just like she was in charge of the place instead of Buddy!

I went to my secret hiding place and luckily the outside cat didn't find me and kill me. I think the human managed to get her to go back to the garage, perhaps by telling her that I was hiding there.

The outside cat is so scary! She's got one regular eye but one EVIL EYE that really creeps me out. Buddy says that means that the outside cat cannot see very well but I'm scared that the EVIL EYE allows her to see through the floor and walls to my secret hiding place!

I sure hope Buddy is right or I won't be safe anywhere!

I don't like days like today.

First, the vacuum lady showed up. At first I thought it was the human returning from work, but instead the vacuum lady came waltzing in and started poking around all over. She acts like she's cleaning but I know she's really trying to find my secret hiding place so she can torture me!

Once the vacumm lady left and the human came home for real I thought things would settle back down to normal. But nooooooooooooo! After a while the doorbell rang! It was "the pizza guy" and even though the human kept telling me it was safe I ran and hid until I was sure this "pizza guy" had left. I just can't trust anyone walking around carrying boxes like that. I mean, what's in the boxes? Dead cats? Torture devices? I don't know and I don't want to find out.

Strange miniature humans!

Today some miniature humans came to the house! They ran around outside, luckily never setting foot inside. I even saw one of them chasing the outside cat around the deck! I was sure the outside cat was a goner, but the miniature human got distracted by some leaves and let the outside cat live.

Today the human played a mean joke. He brought The Cage of Doom in from the garage!

The last time we saw The Cage was a week ago when it had the crotch-biting kitten in it, and we all thought he had brought the little vermin back!

Nugget took off running for the basement, and I was just about to go down there anyway so I joined him.

The Cage of Doom turned out to be empty, so after a while Nugget (that scardy!) went back upstairs. I felt like going up there so I did.

That was not a very funny joke to play on Nugget!

Today was another scary day!

First the human came home early, and I was afraid for a bit that he was going to kill me, but then he let me drink the tap water and I settled down - but not for long.

Two other humans came over and went into the basement!

Buddy said they were there to fix the human's pool table but I know they were discussing recipes to cook me!

Luckily I was able to stay hidden in my secret place until they left.

Last night I had a dream that the scary gray thing was gone, so I came out of my secret hiding place and went upstairs to see if the dream was true.

It wasn't true. The gray thing was still there. It was sitting on the human's lap. For a moment I was frozen with fear, but Happy and Buddy didn't seem to be scared of the gray thing so I decided to just sit and look at it for a bit.

The gray thing saw me and jumped towards me! I was just about to run back to my secret hiding place, but the gray thing for some reason didn't look that scary anymore. It almost looked like a minitiature cat! Maybe Buddy was right and it was actually a kitten. I don't know where I got the courage but I decided to stay put and see what the possible kitten would do next.

Boy was that mistake. What the thing did next, believe it or not, was bite my crotch! Right where my balls used to be before I lost them at the shot lady's office.

Even Buddy, who is a real jerk sometimes, has never tried to bite my crotch area. There are rules of engagement for this type for thing. If Buddy had ever tried to bite my crotch I'd mess him up good, and since the gray kitteny thing was much smaller than Buddy I decided to mess it up good.

I swatted it real good a couple of times, and the look on its face when it realized that I have claws was priceless! It took off running to the basement. I took off after it, and since I already have all of the good hiding places mapped out I found it right away.

I swatted it several more times, and was just about to start biting it when the human came down and grabbed the gray thing out from under me! He took it back upstairs.

I went back up and the gray thing was hiding behind the human. It tried to act all brave and stuff and it even hissed at me. I gave it my best hiss back. It turned sideways, like that was going to fool me into thinking it was bigger than it was.

After a couple more hisses at the thing I kind of got bored with its theatrics and, since I knew I could defend myself against its crotch-biting very easily, I leaned in to get a better look and smell at the thing.

It did look like a cat! Just a lot smaller than even I am. The weird thing, though, was that it smelled like Happy's butt!

I figured that anything that looked sort of like a cat and smelled like my best friend Happy couldn't be all bad, so I decided to let the gray kitteny thing live.

Boy Nugget you sure are a little pussy. This gray thing is a kitten and it's perfectly harmless. Get over yourself. already.

Ouch! Hey! This thing is biting my crotch! Waaaah!

What in the world is that little gray thing? It looks pretty scary. I'd better go hide now.