I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I just want to get it written out before it follows all of my other thoughts into oblivion.
A wise man, my lovely self in fact, once wrote, I'd rather face one large problem, even a huge problem, than a thousand tiny nuisances.
This was the second reason I listed back in February in an attempt to explain myself to myself. I'd decided to uncork a bottle that had never really been completely sealed. There were seven reasons total.
Anyway, and this is the part where I'm afraid I'll stop making any sense whatsoever, the gist was that if I went back to allowing that one thing to once again wash over me and control my emotions the way it was wont to do - then maybe I could stop being such a fucking whiny baby about everything else.
This worked for quite a while. For over six months I was able to function more or less normally. Normally for me at least. I was able to ignore or at least blow off all of the little things that, up until February, had begun to eat away at my mood on a pretty regular basis. That one thing went back to what it did best, making my life a living hell, while everything else kind of faded into the background.
It was kind of like being on fire, and also being bitten by mosquitoes. No contest, right?
The problem was, the problem is, that I seem to have reached some sort of limit of what that one thing can do to me. I've maxed it out. No matter what I learn or hear or remember or deduce, the pain stays the same. I'd thought for a while that the pain was fading.
Wrong.
It wasn't fading at all, there was just no way it could increase. It was, is, maxed out.
So what happens then?
I'll tell you.
What happens then, what's happening right now, is that one thing has lost part of its ability to distract me from all the other bullshit. I mean, it can't get any worse, so I've become a little used to it. A little immune to it even. Meanwhile, all of those little nuisances, those mosquitoes, they're starting to make themselves felt again. And I'm starting to react. To swat at them.
For example:
I got stood up by a so-called friend several times in a row, and I lost it. I became quite angry and I didn't even wait for an explanation and I wrote a semi-scathing 'blog entry about it..
Another so-called friend became incapable of returning a call or a text message, and my feelings were hurt so badly that I deleted her number from my phone so that I'd never be tempted to contact, and then be hurt by, that person again. I actually did this twice.
Another so-called friend completely blew me off at the bar the other night, and I sulked about it for an entire weekend. This same person has also refused to link to my 'blog from her own for a very long time, and every time I go to her 'blog I'm reminded of this and it's like getting punched in the gut.
Fuck, it's gotten so bad that if I go to the bar and somebody doesn't happen to come in on that particular night, I take that as a direct reflection on me. It's about a thousand times worse if I get there and find out that one of my so-called friends has just left. I convince myself that people are avoiding me.
The thing is, none of these things are really a problem. They're just tiny little mosquitoes after all. They are nothing at all, especially when compared to that one thing that continues, unabated, to burn away at me.
I think I've lost my entire train of thought here. Basically, I'm being a baby. I'm complaining about piddly bullshit. I'm making mountains out of molehills.
I'm blaming other people for my sadness and my moodiness when the one person who should be blamed is still my lovely self, just as it's always been.
Fuck, no wonder I'm alienating everyone around me.
