posted by dave on Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 10:27 PM in category notable, ramblings

Sometimes, the thoughts come as if from nowhere. As if they just materialize out of thin air.

But that's not where they really come from.

I've written about that night, back when I couldn't control myself enough to stop my words from flowing out my fingers onto my screen and out into the world. I've written about what a good person I was. What a good friend I was. I've written about how I wondered what might have happened. If I'd been less of a good person, less of a good friend. If I'd been like most guys, on that night so long ago.

Sometimes, the thoughts come unbidden. And they refuse to go away.

Everything I did that night was wrong. Or, more accurately, everything I didn't do that night was wrong. When I pretended to be noble, told myself that I was doing the right thing, what I was really doing was cowering in fear. I patted myself on the back for being so selfless, but I'd done the most selfish thing imaginable.

Sometimes, the thoughts get stuck in my head. And I dream the thoughts, and I rip myself away from my dream, and the thoughts are still there.

Even when I wrote about that night, even then I was being selfish. Weighing the alternate possibilities and judging their merits based on would I be better off if, just if, I'd reacted differently.

I wrote about how I might know the answers to some of the questions that had been plaguing me. I wrote about how I could have traded certain and predictable pain for months and years of random anguish.

How could I have known? I asked myself. I was just doing what I thought was right.

Sometimes, the thoughts take me back to a place and a time. Sometimes, they leave me there to find my own way out. If I can.

I should have done something.

I should have brushed the hair from her eyes, and let my fingers linger just a bit longer than necessary against her face.

I should have looked into her eyes, and asked her in my softest voice if she was okay.

I should have pulled her to me, and told her how special and pretty she was.

I should have kissed her, and let her dictate what happened next.

I should have done all of those things. But not because I was a bad person. Not because I was a bad friend. And not even because it was what the world expected of me.

I should have done all those things because she expected it.

And I let her down.

She needed to feel special and pretty, on that night so long ago, and I let her down.

Sometimes, the thoughts abandon me in the dark, to force me to see the light.

That night was never about me. It was never about us.

It was about her.

And I didn't realize that until just a couple of nights ago.

It was about her.

And I let her down because I thought it was about something bigger and more important. On that night, in that place, the only thing that mattered was her.

And I let her down.

This is not another what if entry. This is not another entry about how I wish I'd done things differently. I've written enough of those to last a lifetime.

This is an apology.

I don't know if she will ever read this. I like to think that she will, someday when she's bored and maybe feeling a little nostalgic.

There are a lot of things that I've wanted to apologize to her for. Most of them will fade with the passing of time and the resumption of separate lives, but not this one. This one will remain. Because this one was, as far as I can tell, this one was the first time.

I let her down.

And I'm sorry.

comments (2)

Hey...I found your blog searching for some random stuff. I just wanted to say, I'm going through the very same thing. It's hard to know the things I did caused her so much pain. I was in a bad place in my life..I told her I wasn't there for could I be there for you? Things are better now. It's been 4 months since the day we broke up. We actually went out for dinner the other night, my feelings have never changed for her, and her's don't seem to have changed either but I'm not really sure because I'm more open with my feelings and I think she is afraid shes going to get hurt again. She's dated other guys and I've dated other girls...but I know deep down inside that she is the one. She says she doesn't know what might happen with us...she wants to be friends and see where that leads, but she also wants to date others. I told her as long as your dating someone else we can never be friends...maybe I'm being selfish but, I believe once you cross the line that we can never go back to just a friendship thing...everytime I see her I will want more. But, on the same hand she is very important to me and I don't want to lose her and I think that maybe if I become friends with her it will lead her back to me. I don't know what to's a lose-lose situation...I lose, if I become friends with her cause I can't stop feeling the way I do about her....yet!, and I lose, if I don't atleast see and try a friendship. I'm not naive to think that it must start with a friendship first, I just don't want to know someone is getting her time aswell. I will not play second fiddle to anyone. As much as it will hurt to say "No" to her about friends...It will be easier to do that then to die slowly everytime I see her. What my real point is I wanted to say thank you...I know at times like these people feel like no one else has felt this way and they are the only one going through this. So, thank you, you've help me more then you know.

First, sorry it took me so long to approve this comment. I'm supposed to get an email when a comment needs approval, but for some reason I didn't get one this time.

Also, I always find it interesting, the interpretations that people take away from some of the stuff I write. I don't think this entry means what you think it means, but that's okay. If it helped you with your situation, then that's pretty cool I think.

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