Wednesday, May 21, 2014
posted by dave at 10:19 PM in category general

The thing is, I'm not the same person that I used to be. In some ways I'm better, but in most ways, I think, I'm worse than before.

Either way, I don't want to ever be that person again. Never ever ever again.

I once wrote that hope exists to disappoint. Well, my hope disappointed a long time ago, and so I killed it, and I'm glad that it's gone.

Wait, that's not quite true. I didn't kill it. One person clonked it over the head and held it down so another person could stomp it to death. I just watched in horror. Frozen and disbelieving.

And then they both took a shit on the corpse.

Sunday, November 17, 2013
posted by dave at 3:08 AM in category general

So...

Not much of an entry here, but an entry nevertheless.

I had a goal this past week. I might have failed. I certainly didn't accomplish as much as I'd wanted. I got to about 50% of my goal. That was on Friday.

Oh well.

Monday, December 17, 2012
posted by dave at 11:59 PM in category general

How about we don't blame the media, or movies, or video games, or gun laws, or his family, or society, or even his alleged mental illness? How about we blame the crazy asshole himself?

Shifting the blame often ends up sounding an awful lot like making excuses, and I don't think people really want to do that. Not for this fucker.

I know that people want to make sense of it all, to try to understand why he did what he did, but I think that Occam's razor applies in this case. This guy was a monster. Period. What he did was horrific. But he did it.

Blame him. There are no so-called mitigating circumstances that could ever come close to explaining the killing of those innocent children. So don't even try.

Blame him.

Sunday, March 18, 2012
posted by dave at 11:03 AM in category general

I'm thinking about having a midlife crisis. It's been a while since I've had one.

I had my last one when I was 27. I wore a lot of hats.

Maybe this time around, I could pick something more interesting.

Monday, February 20, 2012
posted by dave at 12:00 AM in category general

In a little under two hours, I'll start my 48th trip around the Sun.

I'd like to say that I'm excited about my birthday, or maybe even interested in my birthday, but the truth is that the only emotion I can summon is one of shock.

Shock at the ways things have turned out, at the ways I've screwed things up, and at the ways that I still find little sparks of hope that I blow onto with all my might only to see them extinguished by the next wet drop of reality.

But, mostly, shock that I'm still here at all.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012
posted by dave at 9:45 PM in category general

This is what I think. No, scratch that. This is what I believe.

See what I did there? Subtle as a turd in the punchbowl. That's just how I roll.

Poet and don't know it.

What I believe is that we're two different species. So far, we're still close enough that we can - and must - interbreed with each other, but the end of that nonsense will eventually come. Maybe even during what's left of my lifetime.

Crazy. I think they're crazy, and they think that we're crazy. We can't both be right, can we?

Well, yes, we can. And are.

It's all a matter of perspective.

This story I heard tonight was pretty fucked up. But, the thing is, the guy would never have said the things he said if they hadn't worked at some point in his past.

In order for those words to have ever worked, he had to have been dealing with a crazy person. A girl.

Redundant, I know.

Anyway, vive la différence.

Most of the time.

Sunday, February 5, 2012
posted by dave at 10:40 PM in category general

If I was going to write something here every day, I wonder what kind of crap it would be? I mean, if I'd made a resolution for 2012 to write more often, and then I'd been a big giant slacker and not written hardly anything until early February, but then I decided to at least try, I wonder what I'd write?

Boring mundane bullshit, or boring sad bullshit, or boring generic bullshit?

Hmmmm...

Time will tell, I suppose.

Thursday, December 8, 2011
posted by dave at 11:41 PM in category general, web

I'm a little sad now. The blogBreakfast at Tiffany's, which is the blog that convinced me that you didn't have to be interesting to write on the internet, has apparently gone idle.

Idle for a long time, I mean. Looks like the last entry was four and a half years ago.

At least I write more often than that.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011
posted by dave at 3:26 PM in category general

I’m getting so sick of my phone, specifically of the typos it throws into every email or text message I type. It’s “door massage” and ”Smands” taken to epic proportions. Luckily, I pretty much only send messages to RockGirl and StupidGirl these days, and they’re probably used to my typos.
 
Or maybe they think I’m retarded. I certainly hope not. At least I don’t have to write typo-free with my entire professional reputation on the line with everything I type. One time, I tried to help with something along those lines. My help was ignored, so screw it. I’m not doing it anymore. If certain people want to look like idiots, that’s their business.
 
This damn phone, though. I usually type with the touchscreen. The slide-out keyboard is much too small. So I use the touchscreen. Problem with that is, it’s not an iPhone, so the touchscreen is kinda crappy.
 
I’m bored at work, in case you didn’t already guess as much.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011
rip
posted by dave at 11:08 PM in category general

So, this lady died. Anyone reading this site is likely to either know exactly who I'm talking about, or to have no idea who I'm talking about. Not really relevant whether you knew her or not. Only relevant that she was a true fixture at Rich O's, and she up and died on us.

Almost immediately after her death, the petition for beatification started making its rounds. It's still making its rounds. That's what happens when people die. They're suddenly the greatest person who ever lived, and everyone I mean everyone is devastated that they're gone. Because they were so great, and stuff.

So the poor huddled masses left behind, they want to do something to honor and sing the praises of the person that lived, so that maybe that person wouldn't seem quite as dead. I mean, memories certainly outlive people, may as well let them be good memories, right?

Right? Even at the cost of honesty?

Part of it might be because of guilty conscience, part of it might be because of the glaring reminder of our own mortality, and a lot of it is simply going with the mourning flow. Mostly, I like to think, it's because people are genuinely decent at their cores. Most people, anyway.

This lady who died, she was very nice. She was very friendly. She was also quite pushy at times, and a gossip most of the time. There, I said it. I think she managed to piss me off more over the last couple of years than not, prying as she was so wont to do. I think she managed to make as many people feel uncomfortable as she made feel welcomed.

For the last couple of years, my own interactions with her were reduced to simple hellos and goodbyes. Any deeper discussion was off limits between us, and eventually she figured that out and stopped pressing.

Nobody's perfect. Not even after they die. This might be cold, but it's also true. And the lady who died, she was smart enough and certainly honest enough to know it. She would hold no ill will towards me for the words I write tonight. She'd appreciate them, for they're clearly neither empty praise nor pointless parroting.

That place, Rich O's, has certainly changed a lot over the years that I've been going there. Then, a couple of Thursdays ago, it changed a lot more. Like I told her son at the informal wake the night of the funeral, Rich O's will never be the same again.

The world is a worse place now than it was a couple of weeks ago. I can't always say that, but I can say it now.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011
posted by dave at 12:27 PM in category general

I haven't had any this Spring. None at all. Weird. Every year for at least the last 10 years, I've gotten allergy attacks in the Spring and Fall. Every year, in fact, they've been worse than the year before. But this year, so far, nary a sniffle.

They said on the news the other day that the pollen in this area was as bad as it's ever been. So I thought, "Cool. I guess it's not pollen that I'm allergic to."

This morning ConspiracyDude said* that mold is also really bad this Spring. That makes sense, because of all the rain we've had. But I'm still not having any symptoms. So I guess I'm not allergic to mold either.

Whatever it is that's been affecting me in the Spring, I hope it's taking this season off. It's already halfway through May. Much too late for Spring allergies.

Maybe this Fall will be okay, too. I hope so. The last couple of Falls have been really bad. I've blown my nose so often that I've had nosebleeds.

* - No word on whether it's the Illumati or aliens that have been manipulating the mold levels.

Thursday, May 12, 2011
posted by dave at 9:37 AM in category general

You should see my draft folder. It's full of crap. And, by that, I mean it's full of crap.

Nothing flows. There's no rhythm. There's no coherence. There are a lot of good ideas, but that's all they are.

Without passion, writing well may turn out to be impossible for me.

I need some passion. Somebody lend me some. I can repay it with interest. I just need to get over this hump.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011
posted by dave at 5:50 AM in category general

Well. it's been a couple of days. I suppose that reactions have been pretty much as I'd expected. All over the place, I mean.

My reaction?

Some people deserve to die, and he was as deserving as anyone in history. So there's that.

I'm a little relieved, I guess. Whatever disruption this causes in the terrorist ranks is probably a good thing. Maybe they'll make more mistakes now.

But I haven't cheered. And I certainly haven't broadcast my own humanity all over facebook by pretending to mourn the cocksucker.

This is just something that needed to be done, and now it's been done. Calling it a good thing seems, to me, to mitigate things that happened to get us to this point. Like thousands of deaths and billions of dollars lost in this war are an acceptable price, now that he's finally dead. And like the hole in New York's skyline, and the empty chairs at all those dinner tables, like they're all okay now that he's finally dead.

This needed to be done a long time ago, before so many terrible things came to pass, but it wasn't. The political will wasn't there. So, in my book, this will always seem to be a failure. All that's happened is now we can put a period at the end of one particular sentence. The terrible story itself continues.

Monday, March 7, 2011
posted by dave at 6:37 PM in category general

Damn, I miss that kid. We would have had a blast playing with this.

Monday, February 28, 2011
posted by dave at 12:37 AM in category general

I get flashes of snippets, all the time. Ideas for short scenes, poignant scenes, great scenes. Problem is, they all stand alone. Context would stitch them together, but I have no context other than my own life, and I don't want to use that. Fiction is suppose to be fiction, after all.

And, more often than not, my little scenes end up more like speeches, or soliloquies, than actual scenes. The one guy talks and rambles and blathers and the other guy just says, "Uh huh" every now and then. Or maybe he nods or shakes his head, depending on the circumstance.

I dunno. I'm probably over-thinking things. I do that a lot.

Friday, February 18, 2011
posted by dave at 4:16 PM in category general

Remember how, that one day, I came home and my house was almost 90 degrees, and the only way I could turn off the heat was to flip the circuit breaker?

And remember how, the night before, I'd flipped my heat-pump to electric supplemental heating?

I went to the site to pay my bill just now.

$1193.

For a bill that's usually around $250.

Thursday, February 10, 2011
posted by dave at 11:03 AM in category general

My foot squeaks when I walk. My right foot, specifically. The heel of my right foot, more specifically.

When I take a step, the heel of my foot rubs against the inside of my shoe, and it squeaks.

It's driving me crazy. Not just the noise, which I'm convinced everyone in the building can hear, but also that it's only my right foot.

I mean, why not my left? Why not both?

I must walk weird. Or maybe my right foot is horribly misshapen or something.

I've heard that sometimes freaks like me can get jobs at carnivals.

Monday, February 7, 2011
posted by dave at 1:06 PM in category general

I had an interesting conversation with OddlyFamiliarGirl a couple of weeks ago. I think it's worthy of a blog entry, it's just that I don't feel particularly worthy to write the entry. But, you've got to work with what you have, and I've got me.

Speaking of worthy, that's kinda what we were talking about. Self-worth, specifically. Everyone has a sense of self-worth. Sometimes it's right, and sometimes it's wrong, but everyone has one. And most of us get clues or validation for that self-worth from other people.

I say most because there are certainly some people who neither need nor want nor consider any external sources when they think about their self-worth. Those people are a minority, I think. Mostly Buddhists and/or assholes. Most people don't live in a vacuum. Mostpeople live in a society.

First, I'll briefly write about the normal people. The stable ones. The ones who are perfectly reasonable about their sources. These people look to their significant others, maybe to their immediate family, maybe to a few very close friends.

If one of these people has a falling-out with someone close to them, they feel bad. But they don't start questioning their worth as a person. They've got others who still think they're great.

If those normal people occupy the middle ground, there have to be people on both sides. The second group of people I want to write about is the group of which I'm a member.

One person. That's it. One person, whether he or she wants it or not, or whether he or she is deserving or not, gets the honor/privilege of determining the entirety of the sense of self-worth for you. If that one person likes you, then you're golden. But if that one person has a problem with you, well, it's pretty much devastating.

It's like I was telling OddlyFamiliarGirl, if she and I had a falling out and she started hating me, I'd feel sad about losing a friend, but I wouldn't suddenly start to think I was a horrible person. I'd get over it. Because she's not the one person for me. She's not my mirror.

The trick is choosing the right person. I, myself, have chosen poorly over the years. No wonder I'm such a mess.

At the other extreme, there are people who get their clues from literally everyone they've ever met. These people have a desperate need to be liked by everyone, no matter what. They try to stay friends with people who they should loathe, lest that person dislike them otherwise. A girl could be Miss America, but let her go home and hear from her boyfriend that she looks fat, well then she's fat as far as she's concerned. Any disparaging remark from anyone, and these people crumble. Their self-worth becomes their worst enemy.

This last group, I can't help but pity them. They' have the toughest time of all. Because it's a no-win situation. Nobody is loved by everyone. Nobody. And so these people are doomed to hate themselves simply because they're not universally loved.

I wish I knew some solutions. I really do. Both for my group and for this third group. But, I don't have any solutions. I'm just muddling through like I always do. And, right now, I seem to be looking for someone new to tell me what my self-worth should be. I sure as shit can't figure it out on my own.

Monday, January 24, 2011
posted by dave at 11:37 AM in category general

I think I've said something like this before. I always think that, though. I might be wrong. I know I've thought about it before, at least. And then Saturday I was reminded.

At my cousin Jamie's funeral, his sister (also my cousin) Danielle stood up and spent 15 or 20 minutes reading about her brother and his life and what various people had meant to him. I thought she did a great job, and I'd like something like that to happen at my funeral in the unlikely event that I die someday.

I want to nominate RockGirl for the writing assignment. She's by far the best writer I know, and she knows me pretty damn well even though we've never met. The thing is, RockGirl doesn't attend funerals. So it might be that one of my sisters will need to read RockGirl's words. That would be acceptable, I think.

Saturday, January 15, 2011
posted by dave at 11:43 PM in category general

I was just reading about how they think they have the technology to clone a mammoth, and there could be one born (using a regular elephant as a surrogate mother) within four or five years.

I think it will be cool when there are enough of them for me to go on a safari and hunt them with spears, just like I did in my youth.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011
posted by dave at 3:33 PM in category general

People I know who's names start with each letter:

Amy, Andy
Brandi, Bill
Chuck, Carla
Dina, David
Eddie, Emily
Fred, Fran
Gina, Gehrid
Harry, Helen
Irina, Ike
Jackie, Jeff
Karen, Keven
Lisa, Larry
Mike, Michelle
Neisha, Nate
Oscar, ???
Peter, Patty
Quin, ???
Rachel, Ron
Suzy, Sam
Tim, Tiffany
Umar, ???
Vince, Vicky
Wayne, Wendy
Yunier, ???
Zia, Zack

So, (a) I was bored, and (b) what's up with X? Nobody at all?

Monday, January 10, 2011
posted by dave at 8:43 AM in category general

Note: This was just a generic conversation. Not about anyone in particular. No need to be paranoid.

Found myself in a conversation with OddlyFamiliarGirl last night about sluts. Specifically, my own standards for deciding if a person is a slut or not.

I'll be the first to admit that my thinking is pretty old-fashioned and conservative regarding the subject. I mean, behavior that most of the, especially younger, population would consider acceptable, I'd reject. This is a problem for me, obviously, being so out of tune with a lot of the girls I'd otherwise be attracted to.

Because, I think I've mentioned this before, I don't like sluts. To me, they rate just slightly better than whores, and that's not saying much. Snot may be better than shit, but do you really want either poured over your pasta?

As an aside, my definition of whore has changed. It doesn't have anything to do with profession, nor does it require intent to cause pain. To me, a whore is someone who cheats on their significant other, or someone who is involved in that cheating from the other direction.

So, let's say I was sleeping with a married woman. That would make us both whores, assuming that I knew her situation.

Anyway.

Trying to describe slutty behavior is a lot tougher. It's not nearly so black and white.

I think that a lot of it comes down to frequency. An occasional one-night-stand is different than a lifestyle. Or you can get into the gray area of friends with benefits. I know some people who've tried to make that work. It seldom does. Sooner or later, it will become lopsided and therefore untenable. But friends with benefits aren't sluts, I don't think. It depends on whether you're really friends, or whether you just pretend so you can screw with an ostensibly clean conscience.

Another determining factor I use is intent. I like for there to be some, I mean. To go to bed with someone, knowing that it's just about the sex and there's no intention or desire for anything more later on? Well, to me that's dangerously close to slutdom.

This is why sex on a first date can be, while societally ambiguous, much more acceptable to me than a lot of people might suspect. You meet a person, you get along with them, there's attraction, and most importantly you want to see them again. Why not have yourself some sex on that first date?

But, on the other hand, say you go out with someone, you find them physically attractive, but during the date you find that there's just nothing there and that you have no desire to see this person again. Take them home and screw them anyway, and that pretty much makes you a slut, in my book.

One point that was made to me last night, one that I couldn't really deny even though I wish I could have, is what I'll call the me factor. What that means is, if the sex is with me, then my mental definition of what makes a slut tightens up, usually just enough so that the girl I'm with evades that label. This is juvenile and self-centered of me, I know, but I am a guy, so don't be too surprised.

I guess, if I had to sum my feelings up, I'd say that it can't be just about the sex. There needs to be something more, even if that something is only a hope or an expectation. Sex is supposed to be the icing, not the cake.

It was a pretty good conversation. I'm not sure that I ever managed to fully describe my thoughts on the matter. But, I know it when I see it. And, when I see it, I know that don't like it.

Friday, January 7, 2011
posted by dave at 10:52 AM in category general

This morning I was thinking about my parents. Specifically, their ages. When I was born, my dad was 23 years old, and Mom was 22.

Weird.

I guess that the bulk of my formative years started when they were both around 30. The vast majority of my memories of them came from times when they were younger than I am right now.

Weirder.

Now, I know people who, right now, are parents around the age of 30. And they can barely manage their own lives. I don't see how they're supposed to be able to raise children when they can't even get their own shit together.

Hell, I know people in their late 30s with kids they have no business raising. And I know a lot more people who don't have any kids but they act like kids themselves. Immature and selfish and whiny and so full of a sense of entitlement that it makes me sick.

I was going somewhere with this. I really was. Just got a touch of writer's block at the moment.

Sunday, December 19, 2010
posted by dave at 10:50 AM in category general

Last night I was thinking about stupid questions, mainly because I was asked one.

The cliché is that there are no stupid questions, but that's a stupid cliché.

Here are some types of stupid questions that I've thought of off the top of my head.

1. You already know the answer, but you don't want to hear it.

2. You don't want to know the answer.

3. You want to argue with the answer.

4. You won't listen to the answer.

5. You won't believe the answer.

This list isn't meant to be all-inclusive. I'm sure there are more. Feel free to leave other examples in the comments.

Lately I've taken to not answering stupid questions.

Friday, December 3, 2010
OMG
posted by dave at 11:42 AM in category general

Yesterday some of us at Rich O's were talking about this special evening from 2007. Talking about this one particular mean drunk got me thinking about mean drunks in general.

I bet we all know at least one person who fits that description. They get a few beers into them and suddenly they're Russell Crowe. They try to pick fights with strangers and friends alike. They take great exaggerated umbrage at the slightest little thing. They get loud(er) and obnoxious(er). They're always right about everything, and anyone who disagrees had better be ready for a confrontation.

They're no fun to be around. At all.

Fuck them.

I think that, if drinking turns you into an asshole, then maybe you shouldn't drink. Or at least not drink in public.

Now, I'm certainly not one of those bible-thumping anti-alcohol people. I think that anyone reading this has probably figured that out by now. I don't stand on a pulpit and, upon seeing someone drink a beer, scream "OMG alcoholic! Protect the children!"

But I do heartily support responsible drinking. And that doesn't just mean don't drink and drive or don't drink and perform open-heart surgery. It also means that, if drinking turns you into an asshole, then I think you should abstain.

Nobody likes you when you're like that. Nobody.

And, if anyone says that they do like you when you're like that, they're only saying it so they don't get punched in the face.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010
posted by dave at 2:27 PM in category general

It would be funny if, instead of taking Nugget to the vet, I put the dead possum in the cage and took it instead.

Then when they went to take "Nugget" out of the cage, I could act all outraged that (a) he'd only been there a few minutes, yet (b) they'd already killed him AND (c) turned him into a possum.

Maybe I could sue them and get lots of money.

Friday, September 17, 2010
posted by dave at 12:14 AM in category general

...we're looking for someone who can adopt a cat with feline leukemia.

Picklepie is incredibly sweet and has no symptoms, but he'll need to stay indoors and away from other cats for the rest of his life. He may develop symptoms in the future and require a very tough decision to be made.

A decision that neither of us wants to make right now.

I can't keep him in my house because I already have two cats and I don't want them to be infected if they're not already. I can't keep him outside because then he's a risk to any other cats he might encounter.

We're really in a bind here. We need to find someone who loves cats and is willing to adopt Picklepie and give him as happy a life as he can have.

I will take care of all shots and neutering if we can only find him a good home.

He's really a great cat, and he will happily return all the love he's given.

Monday, August 23, 2010
posted by dave at 6:23 AM in category general

I've got to do something about this schedule I've been keeping. It's just not working. By the time the weekend comes around, I don't want to do anything but sleep for 48 hours. And that's even going to bed early, sometimes as early as 8:00 PM, on weeknights.

It's not like I'm really missing anything by going to bed so early, but it could happen, maybe. That thought nags at me when I go to bed and turn off the sounds on my phone.

There are things I like about getting up at 5:00 AM. First, I like that I don't feel rushed at all. I could probably sleep until 7:30 most mornings, but then I'd have to rush getting showered and shaved and dressed and out the door. I'd have to hope that there were no traffic problems, and then I'd have to go straight in to work as soon as I arrived.

Taking my time is much better. I leave my house by 7:00. Only very rarely is traffic bad enough to make me worry about being late. I get to work between 7:30 and 8:00, and I sit in the parking lot for a while. It's my favorite part of the day, that time before I go into the building.

But, I've been thinking, if I want to leave my house by 7:00, I could sleep until 6:30 and still manage that feat. Getting up at 5:00 gives me time to relax before I have to start getting ready for work, but lately I've been thinking that those extra 90 minutes would serve me better if they were tacked on to the end of the day instead of first thing in the morning.

I'll keep you all posted. Try not to fall off the edge of your seats.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Why
posted by dave at 7:46 PM in category general

I forgot that I'm supposed to write something every day.

Today, I thought I'd ask the world two questions that have been bugging me.

Why is it that big fat hogs have to slowly walk down the middle of the hallway and block me from walking at a normal pace? Why can't they walk more off to the side?

Sunday, August 15, 2010
posted by dave at 11:17 PM in category general

Here's the most boring guy in the world, talking about the end of the world.

Saturday, August 14, 2010
all
posted by dave at 2:44 AM in category general

I think that all I want to say right now is this:

I don't care how fast you're driving. If people are passing you, in either lane but especially on your right, then you're going too fucking slow.

Please speed up, or die. Your choice.

Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Saturday, May 22, 2010
wow
posted by dave at 2:00 AM in category general

Okay, this is just about the best use of the internet that I've ever seen.

Go, and read the whole thing. You won't be disappointed.

Thursday, May 20, 2010
posted by dave at 7:41 PM in category general

I get so tired at around this time every night.

"Fine," I say. "I'll just go to sleep and then wake up at a resonable time tomorrow morning. It'll get my schedule back to normal. It'll be awesome."

But noooooooooooooooo!

If I go to sleep now, then I'll suddenly find myself wide awake around midnight, scratching my head and wondering what it was that woke me up so completely.

And then I'll be up until 6:00 or so tomorrow morning.

posted by dave at 7:28 PM in category general

The thing is, this has been an utterly relationship-changing event. Perhaps even a relationship-destroying event.

Why am I the only one who see this?

And I don't normally believe in slippery slopes, but this one is totally frictionless!

Why am I the only one bothered by this? Why am I the only one devastated by this.

She would probably say she's just being optimistic, but the truth is that she is being very naive.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010
posted by dave at 3:30 PM in category general

I guess I always think it's funny when people read what little I allow myself to post here and they think they're experts on my life and thoughts. Either that, or it pisses me off. I forget which.

Saturday, March 27, 2010
posted by dave at 6:13 PM in category general

I'd like one of each, please.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010
posted by dave at 12:07 AM in category general

I ran across this thing last night; it was a site about writing. It was a site about writing 750 words every day, to be precise. Supposed to be good for the soul and stuff.

I thought it was a good idea, and much more doable - I calculate: twice as doable - as the 1500 words per day that something like nanowrimo would require.

It's so tempting, to start writing regularly again. I think about it all the time. I mean, what's stopping me?

That's not very many words. It's not even close to 750 words. But, I need to stop now.

I don't know what's stopping me, but something is.

Dammit, I miss her. I'm not supposed to, but I fucking do.

So there.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010
posted by dave at 3:34 PM in category general

Everybody up here looks like somebody. It's the weirdest thing.

It's not like when I go to most cities, and everyone looks familiar, like I might have seen them before. It's also not like the last time I was in Las Vegas, when every girl I saw reminded me of either LaptopGirl or Hatgirl. Nope, up here in Bellingham, everybody looks like a specific person that I know.

All hyperbole aside, it's a phenomenon that's happening often enough that it freaks me out a little.

Up here, I've had a beer with a girl who looked so much like SassyGirl that I almost gave her a hug when she sat next to me. I've gotten my hairs cut by a girl I dated in high school. I've seen MusicalYuppieDude lose badly at poker. I've seen CrazyGirl get shitfaced enough to make moves on TallLady. I've seen my sister Dina having dinner at Olive Garden. I go to a gas station in the mornings and buy a Diet Pepsi from the fucking dipshit, of all people.

And, of course, I've seen HatGirl and LaptopGirl about twenty times each.

I could go on and on. There have probably been fifty instances of these things.

Sometimes, it's felt like I wasn't gone at all.

Monday, January 11, 2010
posted by dave at 12:39 PM in category general
Testing blackberry application... Also testing Opera Mini...
Monday, December 14, 2009
posted by dave at 3:19 PM in category general

I think I'm finally starting to adjust to this time zone. The adjustment isn't complete, but I can tell it's happening.

I pretty much go to bed at a "normal" time. For me, that's somewhere between midnight and 1:00 AM. And to me, it feels like it's between midnight and 1:00 AM. This isn't what it felt like when I first got here. Back then it always felt like I wasn't going to bed until after 3:00 AM. That part of my brain was still stuck in the Eastern time zone.

I don't have any problem getting up at 7:00 either. I'm sure that's partly because the time to get up part of my brain is still in the good old EST - it thinks I get to sleep until 10:00 every day - but the fact that I go to bed at a normal time certainly helps. This helps me on weekdays, but it's a pain in the ass on weekends when I want to sleep in but my circadian rhythm wakes me up before 8:00 AM.

Another place where the adjustment is far from complete is between the hours of, say, 2:00 PM and 5:00 PM. The last three hours of work. My EST-accustomed brain is convinced that my work day is over, and it's a real chore to stay awake and alert.

And it doesn't help that it gets dark so soon at this latitude. When I left Indiana, sunset was probably around 7:00 PM. In Bellingham, it's dark by 4:30.

Anyway, I guess that's it.

Sunday, November 1, 2009
posted by dave at 1:38 PM in category general

Okay, this is a really sad entry I wrote a few years ago. I must have been in a really weird mood to be able to write this.

okay, this was hard to write

Wednesday, October 28, 2009
posted by dave at 7:50 AM in category general

Because, apparently, I'll never sleep again, I found myself bored and looking for something to do. Also, because I'm easily amused, here's my last blog entry translated from English to Japanese and back to English again, all courtesy of Google.

Thought that trying to write for a bit before I tried to sleep with me. Some people are probably like me to avoid insomnia is inevitable, and perhaps it is I think that part, so even when I feel this journal has come a big fat slacker recently that.

Because my brain is pretty tired but I'm gonna let my fingers just typed. They are usually my brain to work better than anyway.

People ask me what. Over and over again and repeat the same thing. A typical question, "Are you retarded or what contains shit?" And, increasingly popular "Why?" And "rhetorical Really?"

No, I do not think so. However, I realize that I do is not it?

I should be.

Yes, really.

Wow, I just caught my own reading what I wrote it already. But if it is not a good thing. Give the complexity of the involvement of my brain that's it. My brain and my fingers sometimes, they do not like about it is that you get written a big fight. In not quite.

Past problems with me always, why? Question is that I must have been mental. However, for my people, they all can I just tell you shit back to the mentally retarded or something? Loop is ugly and a question.

How do I know anyone for any reason it? I have or something because I do not think what you mean and feel, or something. Many hours of life, a series that seems to me. Vindications of fact. I lit it I have smoked a cigarette. Because I bought it before I lit it. Since I had bought it running low. Because I smoked almost a pack that I was running low before. And so on.

For me this tobacco, smoking but I was born. There is, I'm happy now I'll go first?

This is the Big Bang happened is that I smoke this.

Oh, I seem to track a little turned off.

Why you do that if the Big Bang, that too.

What was it that what I write about vindication. I was going to use it in a sentence like: I have a reason not to shit, okay, I know that over the past six vindication and lessons learned from all available years.

So.

Has been proven to me anything wrong, I have gained the right means. And the right to form my opinions, but I had no reason at all, let alone asked to be correct, then I must be mental.

Failure not.

Why is the sky blue? Sun is hot or why? Why is water wet? Why is grass green? Her? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Just because it's reason.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009
posted by dave at 10:20 AM in category general

Okay, I stopped going to facebook for a reason. Maybe a stupid reason, but a necessary one.

I need to stay in the dark about some things.

And it does me no good whatsoever when you people email me with quotes and opinions.

When I fall apart, it's not going to be her fault, it's going to be yours.

Friday, October 9, 2009
posted by dave at 12:56 PM in category general

I have too much stuff. Way too much. And it's not like I can look around and ask where it all came from. I know where it all came from. Some of it I inherited from my dad, and some of it was already in my house when I bought it, but 99% of the stuff came from me.

My office is the worst. I don't even know where to start with that room. Books and papers and old computer parts are only the beginning. In the closet are boxes and boxes of random stuff. All over the floor are piles of more random stuff.

Other closets aren't much better. In the closet of my guest room are more computer parts, and a tent, and a sleeping back, and a dozen or so picture frames. My master bedroom closet is supposed to be a walk-in, but it's so crammed with luggage and clothes that it's more of a climb-in closet than a walk-in.

The walls of my attached garage are lined with various crap that I didn't feel like lugging into the house. The entire detached garage is crammed with tools and lawnmowers and boxes and el-cheapo plastic furniture.

And downstairs, the unfinished room in my basement - the official storage room I suppose - is full of even more stuff. Stuff that I've neither seen nor used in ten years. Plus a dozen or so vacuum cleaners. I seem to have a weird obsession with vacuum cleaners. Not with using them, just buying them.

There are things that I still haven't unpacked from when I moved in. I keep saying that I'll get around to it someday.

I have six televisions, at least as many DVD players. Four Tivos, and several million instances of random home theater components in varying states of functionality.

I have two fucking pool tables. Who does that?

Back in the early Summer, when it looked like I might have to sell my house and move away, the thing that I most dreaded was sorting through all that stuff. Deciding what to take with me, and what to put in storage, and what to sell, and what to give away, and what to throw away.

It was all so very daunting.

I'm glad that I didn't have to do it.

Thursday, September 10, 2009
posted by dave at 7:42 PM in category general

Just to clarify, I did vote for Obama. But maybe I didn't do it for the right reasons.

I voted for him because he's black. And because he wasn't Sarah Palin. But mostly because he's black.

I remember saying, back before the campaigns even began, that Osama bin Laden could run as a Democrat against the Republican second coming of Jesus Christ (of Nazareth, heh), and still win in a landslide. So great was the hatred for Bush, and by extension, the hatred for all white male Republicans, fuck, even Dukakis might have had a chance in 2008.

Now, that's not to take away from what Obama did. Not at all. But I do think that, in 2017 when his reign ends, the greatest thing he'll have ever done will be to have been elected President while simultaneously being black.

And this was no small feat.

By being elected, he gave hope to millions of Americans, and he smashed excuses for those same millions and for millions more. No longer can a black person - or any member of any minority for that matter - give up on themselves because the system is against them. The system may still be against them, but no longer can that be their excuse.

I saw it in the eyes of blacks all over Louisville, right after the election, and I still see it today. Not just pride, they always had pride, but hope.

What other president can do what Obama has done, simply by being elected?

Hillary could have done similarly, albeit for a different group of people, and I believe that she would have made a better president than Obama. But elections are never about who would perform better in office. Elections are about who's the better candidate. And Obama was definitely the better candidate. In many ways, he still is, as he's already campaigning for his re-election bid in 2012.

The man is never off-stage, and he knows it.

And besides, he's not Sarah Palin.

posted by dave at 9:54 AM in category general

So apparently our President gave a speech last night. I was asleep, paying what I believe that was the proper amount of attention, but a lot of people actually watched the thing. And then they started talking about it and writing about it. So far this morning I've heard and read reactions of two distinct flavors:

1. Oh noes! The death camps are going to get me!

2. All hail Barack Obama!

And then people on both sides call the people on the other side a bunch of poopie-heads.

In other words, nothing has changed. Despite the fact that we've got a young, charismatic, and black man for a President, we're still just as polarized as ever.

On the one side, we have the cautionaries. This camp subscribes to the Slippery Slope Theory of Everything, and a typical argument from them might be, If stem cell research is allowed to continue, before too long abortions will be mandatory so the labs can meet their quotas.

And then we have the reactionaries. To them, everything is broken, and so everything needs fixing. Oh, and it needs to be fixed the right way, which just happens to be their way. A typical statement from a reactionary might be, Blah Obama blah blah change blah hope blah Bush sucks blah.

I bet most of us would like to see ourselves as standing somewhere between these two extremes. And maybe we do, most of the time, but there are issues for each of us that force us to one side or the other. What bothers me is that some people become so firmly entrenched in their camp that it becomes useless to talk to them at all. I call these people assholes.

Don't get me wrong, though; some of my best friends are assholes.

Sunday, August 16, 2009
posted by dave at 6:20 PM in category general

There's this chick who makes a living from her blog. If my understanding is correct, she supports a family of four with her blog. And one of those four is a baby, which of course costs about eleven million times more than a regular person.

That would be pretty cool, I think, if I could somehow make a living from blogging. I'd have to break my own rule about advertising, but the ads on her site are pretty unobtrusive. I think I could live with something like that.

Of course, Heather is a much better writer than I am, but maybe I could get better with practice. And I'd have to get over this whole self-censorship nonsense that I keep running up against, but it's not like I've been perfect in that regard anyway.

It's giving me something to think about, that's for sure. Something else, that is.

Thursday, July 30, 2009
posted by dave at 10:15 AM in category general

So let me get this straight. These two guys are going to the flipping White House to have beers with the flipping President of the flipping United States, and they've chosen Red Stripe and Blue Moon.

A Jamaican pale lager and a pseudo-Belgian. That just seems so sad to me. It's like they put zero effort into their choices at all.

And the flipping President has chosen Bud Light.

And most of the people at Rich O's, myself included, voted for the guy.

If I ever have a beer with the flipping President - any day now, I'm sure - it's going to be an Alaskan Smoked Porter.

Monday, July 27, 2009
posted by dave at 3:15 AM in category general

Here are three totally unrelated things that piss me off.

---

Brown-nosed idiots.

At least know someone well enough to form a knowledgeable opinion before you bury your nose in their ass.

---

"Incapable of supporting life."

Life can exist in the most unlikely of places. You people are scientists, you're supposed to know this. Read some books by Robert L. Forward if you need a refresher for your imagination, and then stop saying stupid things.

---

Typos.

Like the one I had in the title of this entry for over six hours.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009
posted by dave at 12:19 AM in category general

I've noticed. Of course I've noticed. I've just been waiting for others to notice.

I am no longer allowed to complain that I don't have anything about which to write.

It's all there. All those damn quickies that I write. Up to a dozen or so each day, perhaps. Each one is basically a topic sentence for an entry waiting to be written. Straining to be written.

I need to stop whining, and I need to start writing. Or maybe I should do both.

That's what people expect from me, after all.

Thursday, July 16, 2009
posted by dave at 10:13 AM in category general

As it's looking more and more like I'm not going to be finding anything in Louisville anytime soon, it's looking more and more like I'm going to be leaving here for a while. Currently, I guess Cincinnati has the highest probability. That wouldn't be bad at all. It would allow me to come home whenever I felt like it.

Anyway, I'm checking out lodging costs up there. Not good. If I choose something like an Extended Stay, I'm effectively doubling my monthly housing costs. It should be possible to just get a furnished apartment for less money, though that brings more hassles.

I simply don't want to sell my house. I'm being quite stubborn about it. I can be that way.

Plus, the only reason I need to look elsewhere for work is to make my mortgage payments. If I were to sell my house, then I could just get a lower-paying job right here locally. So wanting to keep my house is what's making me need to leave my house. Pretty screwed-up, I know.

I could maybe accomplish the same thing by just refinancing and getting a lower mortgage payment. Problem with that, of course, is that getting refinanced without a job might be tricky.

Monday, July 6, 2009
posted by dave at 8:02 AM in category general

I was reading some old entries this morning and this one made me laugh out-loud and scare my cats. Sometimes I think I'm really funny.

I think that if I could pick a mental illness to have, I'd pick Tourette's Syndrome.

That way, when I thought some girl was a whore, I could just scream out, "WHORE!!!!" and then when she got mad I could say, "Sorry, I got this Tourette's thingy. Whore. Slut. Bitch. Oops."

Then maybe she'd feel sorry for me and then the whore would give me some pity sex.

Monday, June 22, 2009
posted by dave at 1:36 AM in category general

We discussed this. I got permission to write this.

We went into this with good intentions. Maybe not the best of intentions, but still good ones. Innocent ones. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. It wasn't supposed to end like this, but it was supposed to end. Someday. But not like this.

We were so well-balanced. Not lopsided at all. Not the way my last relationship was. That was so fucking lopsided that there are many who wouldn't call it a relationship at all. Well, fuck them, I say. It most certainly was a relationship, just a very lopsided one.

Anyway.

The two of us, we were balanced. We knew each other quite well. We trusted each other. We liked each other a lot. And we'd each learned some tricks in the last three years, so that part was fantastic. And the timing was good. We needed each other. Each of us on the rebound, each of us desperately seeking distraction, neither of us looking for anything long-term, neither of us ready for anything serious.

Nothing serious with each other, I should clarify.

It was supposed to be fun, and it was certainly fun. It was supposed to be a distraction, and it was definitely that as well. It was supposed to be casual, though, and that's where we fucked up.

We didn't want to progress at all, but we did. We went from fuckbuddies to boyfriend/girlfriend before either of us realized what was happening. This was bad, because neither of us wanted that kind of relationship. Neither of us was ready for that kind of relationship.

Not with each other, I should clarify again.

So we found ourselves in a dilemma. The casual relationship we'd initially tried to have wasn't going to be enough for us, but the more serious relationship that had developed - it had developed too soon. It was doomed, from the second it began.

These torches we carry, see, they're not for each other.

We asked ourselves and each other a question.

Would we have a better chance trying to tough it out right now, or should we wait a few months and see if we're ready then?

We both came up with the same answer. Whatever might happen in a few months is irrelevant. What's relevant is that right now, there is no way we could make it work. We're both in love with someone else, and those feelings must and will take priority for us, even if they don't deserve it.

This is not about waiting or hoping for a lost love to come back into our lives. Nope, this is about acceptance. When we can accept, in our hearts, that we're alone, then that is when we'll be ready to stop being alone.

This may take a long time. It may take forever. It may never happen. Such is life, and such is love.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009
posted by dave at 1:19 AM in category general

I have this competitive side. Not a lot of people see it, except when I'm shooting pool, but it rears its ugly head every now and then for other things. Bowling. Horseshoes. Euchre. Darts.

Darts is what caused it to awaken tonight.

The first game, OtherDave was kicking my ass at first. I couldn't get the damn house-darts to fly straight, let alone in the direction I desired. I think he closed out everything except bulls before I closed 20s.

But, I found my elusive alignment, and I came back and I won that game. Via luck, OtherDave insisted.

The second game was a joke. Although I really was trying, OtherDave constantly accused me of fucking around as I mowed through the scores, easily winning by a score of about 11,000,000 to zero.

The third game, I threw one dart to his three darts per turn. Once I'd closed everything but bulls, I switched to throwing left-handed. I don't think OtherDave noticed - he was too busy trying to find the dartboard along with the proper words to describe his new hatred for me.

"Teach me a lesson," I implored. "I'm being a real dick right now. Make me regret it."

But alas, it was not meant to be. I won that third game as easily as I'd won the second, just with two-thirds fewer darts. And opposite-handed, at the end.

I can certainly be a dick sometimes, because of my competitive side, but I always try to make up for it in other ways.

Like tonight, I paid for his beers.

I'm not all bad.

Sunday, June 14, 2009
posted by dave at 4:05 AM in category general

Go here and read it.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009
posted by dave at 9:32 PM in category general

So I've thought about it, and I've thought about it some more.

I'm not going to say, not just yet.

No need to ruin their good time.

Monday, April 20, 2009
posted by dave at 11:22 PM in category general

Every now and then something will strike me as being really funny, and I'll just start laughing. Usually I keep my laughter inside, but not always. And it usually happens at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes I just can't help but laugh at the absurdity.

---

Every now and then I'll reach out. For answers, or for comfort, or for companionship - it doesn't matter - and I'll end up with a big handful of nothing. One might think that I'd eventually stop doing this, but instead it only strengthens my resolve to try harder next time.

---

I had way too much caffeine today. And now I'm wired.

---

I've been working on a simple little twitter-like thingy for this site, so I can just use my blackberry to make quick updates. The coding was simple enough, but I'm having a tough time deciding on the output format. Once I get the twitter-like thingy implemented, stupid tidbit entries like this will probably become a thing of the past.

---

I wasn't really trying to fix anything, I was only trying to explain myself. It really did need to be said. Even if nobody was really listening, I needed to say it.

posted by dave at 7:37 AM in category general

I haven't heard anything about us suddenly being at war with Ireland, so I guess the girls must be behaving themselves.

For now.

Dum-dum-DUM!!

Monday, February 9, 2009
posted by dave at 10:33 AM in category general

I think I'm not going to bring it up.

It was never my idea in the first place, it was hers. I just said that it was a brilliant idea. Now, maybe it's not so brilliant, but it's not like I've got anything better to do.

So I'll just go on the assumption that tentative has become undoable. It's the safest assumption, really.

I won't mention it unless she does.

And I don't think that she will.

But, if I'm wrong, well that would be cool. And the whole idea would go back to being brilliant.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008
posted by dave at 7:41 PM in category general

I have a problem writing about nice things. I have zero creativity when it comes to things like that. That being said, here goes.

---

I've asked several people since Friday night, and nobody thinks I'm dumb at all. Most people, in fact, say that I'm quite smart. So there.

---

NABC Cone Smoker is back!

Yay!

---

Tuesday evening I got to have dinner with HatGirl and then go to Rich O's with her.

HatGirl!

Yay!

---

WeirdGirl told me again that she misses my tongue. That's kinda sweet of her to say that.

---

I never would have predicted it, but I totally want a baby in my life. Strange but very true.

---

Today I stayed home from work because I was feeling icky. But now I feel much better. Almost healthy, actually.

---

The things in my life that are, by far, the most wonderful and amazing and fulfilling? I still can't write about those things, but they're fucking awesome.

Sunday, September 7, 2008
posted by dave at 3:14 PM in category general

A couple of hours ago I got a rather unsettling email.

"Yikes!" I exclaimed.

Then I had 15 heart attacks.

Luckily for me, I thought to ask for clarification, or the heart attacks might be ongoing still.

Anyway, I'm wondering about the etymology of the word "yikes."

I know I could just look it up, but that would be hard and stuff, and the answer would probably be boring.

I'm wondering if there's such a thing as a single yike, or if it's like pants and only exists in plural form.

---

I like puns. The punnier the better.

Today I thought of a really punny pun. Now all I have to do is wait for an opportunity to spring it on some unsuspecting soul.

Do you think they have puns in other languages?

They probably have them, but I might not like them as much. All those damn foreign words sound alike anyway.

Friday, August 29, 2008
posted by dave at 4:51 PM in category general

...if the Republican ticket wins in November, and we end up with millions of men spanking it whenever the new Vice-President is on TV?

I think that would be weird.

I also think Sarah Palin is hot.

VPILF?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008
posted by dave at 2:26 PM in category general

So ArtGirl just basically accused me of having a girl in every port.

Hell, I don't even have any ports, so that shows how much she knows.

But seriously, what the fuck?

Monday, August 18, 2008
posted by dave at 9:38 PM in category general

woohoo!

woohoo!

I'm pretty sure that, should my phone be somehow situated on the far side of the Moon, and myself at the bottom of some deep well or cave here on Earth, I'm pretty sure that I'd still manage to get to it before it could woohoo a third time.

So taking a nap, with my phone not even two feet from my side?

No problem at all. I could do that in my sleep. And I often do.

The strange thing is, my phone checks for new email every 20 minutes. This is hard-wired at the factory or something. I have certainly been unable to figure out how to change that setting.

So how, I wonder, how does it sometimes manage to announce a half-dozen emails in the space of 15 minutes?

It's a mystery, I tell you.

Eventually, of course, I gave up on my nap. Too many woohoos. Too many occasions to pry open my eyes and fumble a one-thumbed reply. Too many protests from my cat Nugget, wondering no doubt why he once again picked my left shoulder on which to sleep.

I'm not complaining. The emails are coming from her, after all.

But as soon as I arose from my couch, as soon as I cleared the fog from my head, the emails stopped. The woohoos stopped.

Okay, so maybe I'm complaining just a little.

Friday, August 15, 2008
posted by dave at 10:16 PM in category general

I wrote in an email, earlier tonight, to a girl who's going to get a nickname before too long if she keeps being nice, I wrote that I have a zillion blog entries to write.

Perhaps that wasn't quite true.

What I have, instead, are a zillion titles, or a zillion topic sentences.

Actual full-length entries just might be beyond my capabilities right now. That's why I've been doing nothing but snippets and reposts and boring crap like that.

And this entry, I suppose, falls somewhere in the middle.

Thursday, August 14, 2008
posted by dave at 11:05 PM in category drink, general

I thought of this awesome thing to write, but then I remembered that people read what I write. So, I might still write it, but not here.

---

I also thought of something awesome to say on my death bed. And of course I can't write that because I'm saving it for when I'm actually on my death bed.

Like in 500 years or so.

---

I'm counting on medical technology to irrelify all of my current stupidity.

It could happen.

---

I made that word up. I like it, though.

---

Did I ever mention that I like hot girls?

Well, I do.

---

I still haven't had any of the 08.08.08 beer. Because I might be able to talk BadPickleGirl into trying it with me. Tonight, I had myself some yummy Moerlein OTR (216).

---

Speaking of OTR, I need to remember to take a bottle to work, so that later I can drop it off for MrPopular.

---

Speaking of BadPickleGirl, she just complained about getting just one MySpace message, from me, in a week. I myself usually only get messages from Jack Shit.

She got a message from me, I get messages from Jack Shit.

She wins, hands down.

---

Because, no matter what certain people might think, I'm much better than Jack Shit.

---

Damn, it's only 11:04, and I'm out of material.

posted by dave at 1:47 PM in category general

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Like right now.

The brain doesn't control the heart. Far too often, it's the other way around.

---

Today I'm a little bit irritated with what I'll call foul-weather friends.

---

Tomorrow is payday! Woohoo!

I think I want to get out of town again.

---

Sunday I'm pretend-marrying HatGirl and LuckyFucker.

This guy at work thinks I should get myself ordained on the internet and then be really marrying them when they think I'm only pretending.

I think that would be both a very funny and a very mean thing to do.

---

I'm not mean.

---

I'd planned on taking lunch today, but I couldn't get away from this stupid system restore in time. Crap!

---

Entries like this, composed of nothing but little snippets - they're a lot like Twitter, aren't they?

---

I totally forgot, but I've got two bottles of the new Vertical Epic 08.08.08 in my fridge. I need to have one of them so I can review it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
posted by dave at 9:48 PM in category general

Opening that bottle of The Reverend now.

Monday, August 11, 2008
posted by dave at 10:39 PM in category general

I think I'll go ahead and write this now, Monday evening. So I can still use the present tense. Using the past tense is going to suck. There's still a chance that this entry will go to waste. I would love to waste this entry. He will think it's hilarious, that I put all this effort into fiction.

My friend WomanRepellant is in the hospital. That's why he didn't call me Saturday morning like we'd arranged. He was in the hospital then, and he's in the hospital now, And he will never leave the hospital, except in a bag.

Because, you see, he is dying.

He. Is. Dying.

Present tense. That's important.

Don't even bother asking me why he's in the hospital. I won't tell you. It's probably none of your business, and I want to respect what privacy he has left regarding all this.

I went there today, to the hospital. I wasn't going to go, but LaptopGirl talked me into it. She was right, of course, but I still shouldn't have gone. Not as far as I went. Not all the way into that room.

I stood outside that room for what seemed like hours. I could see, through the window, some old man on the bed, his face turned away from the hallway in which I stood. Unconscious, thankfully. I wish I would have been.

It wasn't until I actually steeled myself enough to go into the room, and I saw his face, it wasn't until then that I was able to recognize that the old man dying in that bed was my friend. Up until that point, I could kinda pretend to myself that it was all some horrible mistake.

Is my friend. Fuck.

And now that is going to be the last image I have of him. Not sitting at the bar at Sluttopia a couple of weeks ago, laughing about something or other. Not any of the countless times we sat together at Rich O's and made fun of weirdoes and leered at pretty girls. Nope, as my last image of my friend I get to have him on his death bed.

So, I wanted to tell a little story. The story of how he got his nickname.

See, before the nickname WomanRepellant was chosen, I'd been having a very tough time coming up with a good nickname for him. I mean, he was rapidly becoming one of my best friends, but nothing I tried seemed right for him. I tried stupid nicknames like WhiteHairDude and a few others, but none of them worked. None of them fit.

Then, one day in August 2005, I was sitting at Rich O's talking with HatGirl. I'd only known HatGirl for a couple of weeks at that time. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I had already developed a major crush on her, and being able to sit and talk with her that day after work was a very pleasant surprise.

I wrote this, back then.

I was really having a hard time keeping from jumping into HatGirl's eyes and swimming around, but after a while this dude showed up and sat with us and HatGirl left pretty much immediately. Just a coincidence I'm sure. Not.
That dude, of course, was WomanRepellant. His new nickname was born on that spot, on that day. Even though, as it turned out, HatGirl had left for a completely unrelated reason, the name WomanRepellant had already stuck.

rip

He thinks it's a very funny nickname. Much better than the ones I've given other people.

Present tense.

Had a quick meal with HatGirl this evening, after I left the hospital. We talked about our friend. She remembers that day as well. Funny how that one brief moment has forever tied the three of us together.

Also on the way home I bought a bottle of Avery The Reverend. It's one of his favorite beers, and one of mine as well. I'll save it. I'll save it until the present tense is no longer appropriate and then I'll pour two glasses, and then my friend WomanRepellant and I will drink it together. And raise a few toasts to the pretty girls.

Future tense. Even better.

Sunday, August 10, 2008
posted by dave at 1:10 PM in category general

I imagine people coming to this blog today, the ones who know me personally, and they're asking me the unspoken question, "Dave, what are you writing about all the drama from yesterday?"

And my silent response is, "Which drama? There were two distinct instances. Doesn't matter though, because I'm not writing shit until things settle. Maybe not even then."

So there.

Anyway, I'm back home from Covington. More on that later.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008
posted by dave at 7:55 PM in category general, technology

One of the things I've wanted to write about here, when things got slow enough and when I didn't feel like writing anything interesting, was this:

blackberry pear keypad
That's the keypad on a Blackberry Pearl, the kind that I (and PearlGirl) have. I spend an inordinate amount of time typing into this thing. Like a ridiculous amount of time.

Anyway, it's got this auto-spelling feature. What happens is that I press keys like I'm spelling something, and it guesses what I'm trying to spell.

Sometimes this works quite well, but sometimes it sucks.

My own name, for example, is spelled with the keys 4-?-7-1. But the word Dave isn't what it decides that I'm typing. Nope, in its minuscule hardwired brain, it decides that I'm typing the word face.

There are many other examples. One of which is that the keys 5-3-2-? can spell hits, guys, guts, or huts.

It always gives me a choice, but far too often I forget to look at the presented choices. I just take the default. Which is quite often wrong. Which quite often makes me look like an idiot.

But that's not even the worst thing about the auto-spelling. The worst thing is that, I know this one girl named Amanda, and when I type her name into my Blackberry, it decides that what I'm really trying to type is the word Smands.

Smands is the default choice it gives me for the keys ?-9-?-8-4-?.

How stupid is that?

Smands wouldn't even make a cute pet nickname, were I so inclined to use one.

Also, a while ago I needed to type the name Heinlein into my Blackberry.

At that point, upon getting 5-1-3-8-'-1-3-8 as input, the auto-spell circuits overheated and the entire Blackberry burst into flames.

What a piece of shit, it never even heard of Robert Heinlein.

Monday, August 4, 2008
mom
posted by dave at 9:42 PM in category general

I would climb onto her lap, and rest my head against her chest.

She would wrap her arms around me, and she would hum gentle melodies.

And she would rock me gently, and I would feel safe enough to let tears flow from me like a river.

And she would make everything all better.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008
posted by dave at 8:09 PM in category general

It was the Summer of 2003 when I got the idea to do this blogging thing. I'd just attended my high school reunion, and I'd had such a good time that I thought I should write it down. I'd been reading about this new (to me at least) blogging craze, and I already had a website of sorts. So, I figured, Why not?

As it turned out, I never did write about that high school reunion. And I didn't start writing here until a couple of months later. I did mention that reunion once, but I think that was it.

That was the first reunion I'd gone to. I'd never lived anywhere near here when the others were going on. But for the one in 2003 I was back in Southern Indiana, so I went. It was fun, like I said.

Now, it's 2008. Five years have gone by, and so now another high school reunion is approaching. This weekend, specifically. Friday is supposed to be casual hanging out at a bar, and Saturday is more formal. Waltzes or whatever.

My own thoughts about this reunion have been thus:

I'm soooo going.

I'm soooo not going.

I'm definitely going.

What's the point? I'm not going.

Okay, maybe I'll go.

No way am I going.

And so on and so on...

I think the thing is that I don't want to go by myself. I'm sick and tired of going places and doing things by myself. But there's nobody to take with me. It's something to which you take a wife or a girlfriend, and a quick search reveals none of those around. And I don't really think it's something to which you'd take a casual date, though I did consider that for a while.

My family and my friends tell me that I should go, at least to the casual Friday night thingy.

"Maybe you'll meet somebody," they always say.

They always say that, but that's not what they mean.

What they mean is, "Maybe you'll meet somebody else."

I've done a pretty good job of biting my tongue when I've heard that. People do mean well, for the most part.

Even when they're totally wrong.

Monday, July 28, 2008
posted by dave at 10:49 PM in category general

You know what I've never really understood the appeal of?

Right!

First guess, too. I'm impressed.

Anal sex is correct.

I mean, for gay guys, I don't suppose they have much choice in the matter.

But when it's a guy with a girl, there's a perfectly good vagina right there. It's only a couple of inches away, fer chissakes.

I don't get it.

I never really enjoyed it, except vicariously I suppose.

And, if it never happens again, I won't miss it.

posted by dave at 1:04 PM in category general

Gasp gasp gurgle gurgle glub glub.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
posted by dave at 10:42 PM in category general

Sometime during the late 60s, I was a kid. I don't really know if it was the 1760s or the 1960s or the 1460s or whatever - it was a long time ago, plastic was invented. More specifically, plastic milk jugs were invented.

My parents, apparently, thought this was the greatest invention ever, beating sliced bread by a half-mile at least. Or maybe it was just my mom that loved the things. I can't really imagine that Dad cared one way or another.

Anyway, Mom, at least, loved the things. Our refrigerator was always full of them. And they, in turn, were full of various random liquids. Only one of which was ever actual milk.

I have very few really clear memories of being that young. I remember seeing my mom holding my baby sister. I remember seeing the first man walk on the Moon. I remember running through a sliding-glass door. And I also remember grabbing the wrong plastic milk jug, three times.

These occasions were all pretty much the same. I'd stumble out of bed at the crack of 10:00 AM or something like that. Dad would be at work. Mom would be at work. Since, even at that young age, I knew that starving to death would be unpleasant, I'd make myself some breakfast.

When you're six years old-ish, making breakfast really means pouring a bowl of cereal and milk.

That was always the plan, anyway.

And, usually, that's the way it worked out.

The first time that plan failed. It was a Honeycomb day. Dad must have gotten a bonus or something, because Honeycomb cereal was a very rare treat to us. I remember, several times, getting up extra early, like at 9:59, so that I could get to the Honeycomb before my sister ate it all.

Anyway, one morning I grabbed a box of Honeycomb, and I grabbed a bowl, and I grabbed a spoon, and I grabbed a plastic milk jug from the fridge. I sat at the little white table that was reserved for us kids (because we were such precious snowflakes) and I made myself some breakfast.

I don't think that my mouth was more than halfway closed on that first bite before I knew that something was terribly wrong.

Not Milk.

Orange Juice.

Let me tell you something. Orange juice is good. Honeycomb cereal is good. But the two combined?

Not so good.

That was the first time.

The second time it was generic Cheerios and tea.

The third time it was, once again, generic Cheerios. But the third time it was, instead of milk, it was chocolate milk.

And it was fucking yummy.

I want some right now.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008
posted by dave at 9:14 PM in category general

So I've been thinking about having a midlife crisis. I suppose I'm about due, as I haven't had one since I first moved to Seattle. I tried to have one a few years ago, but it never did catch on.

That Seattle midlife crisis was fun, maybe I could have fun again.

Anyway, I remember seeing a video on the internet, a long time ago. This dude was sitting on a motorcycle in a driveway, revving it up and showing off or something, and he did something wrong and smashed into the garage door.

I think it killed him, so it probably wasn't as funny as it would have otherwise been.

I'm pretty sure that, should my new midlife crisis hold a psychological gun to my head and force me to buy a motorcycle, I'm pretty sure that I'd at least do better than that guy did. I don't think I'd crash into my garage door. Nope, I've always pictured myself as being one of those guys who'd run over an acorn or something and that would cause me to wipe out and kill myself.

I'd probably be better off with a Corvette. I think a Corvette would be pretty much acorn-proof. Unless there was a whole shitload of them. Part of some vast conspiracy, perhaps.

Plus, I think chicks dig Corvettes even more than motorcycles.

(Update: I've been informed that motorcycles are more attractive, in general. But I think I'll stick with my opinion, because I believe that the attractiveness of being a living person vs. being a corpse would far outweigh that of having two wheels vs. four.)

Saturday, July 19, 2008
posted by dave at 11:44 AM in category general

The thing is, I don't. Not any more. Not for a long time now.

My reasons were, and are, myriad.

Mostly, I just knew that it was wrong. I knew it was a lie. I knew it was a betrayal. I knew it was a waste of time.

So, I stopped. A long time ago.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008
posted by dave at 11:43 PM in category general

I get nervous, sometimes. Like right now. And last week. And last month. And for the last year or so.

I really and truly thought that everything was out in the open. I really and truly thought that the truth was the one thing I didn't need to worry about.

Well, apparently, I was wrong.

---

I don't know if I'm ever going to get around to finishing my Atlanta entries. I must have 2,000 words worth of notes, but I have zero motivation to edit those notes into anything reasonable. I drank beer. I lamented the severe shortage of LaptopGirls and HatGirls in Atlanta. There was never a drop of hot water in my hotel room. I was pretty much miserable the entire time.

---

Then, MixedSignalGirl got married in Jeffersonville, while I sat in the Atlanta airport. I should have been there for her happy day. I should have been there for her. I should have been there for myself. But, I wasn't there. And it was only a coincidence that allowed me to use "but I'm in Atlanta" as an excuse.

---

I really thought I'd have more crap to write tonight. Maybe later.

posted by dave at 10:06 PM in category general

I think that I'm getting sick of being a grouch. I think that I want to be in a good mood again.

So, I think that's what I'll do.

Yep, that's definitely what I'll do.

Sunday, July 13, 2008
posted by dave at 1:02 AM in category general

Well, fuck.

UPDATE: Never mind.

Thursday, July 10, 2008
posted by dave at 12:02 AM in category general

I think it's cute that she falls asleep.

Tomorrow, I have to go to Atlanta.

I don't want to go.

They're making me.

Also, HatGirl is lucky.

Monday, July 7, 2008
posted by dave at 2:01 PM in category general

Of all of the mysteries that have plagued mankind since the beginning of time, there's never been one as vexing as this:

How much money will a Rich O's growler hold, when filled to the top with random coins?

One hundred ninety-six dollars and seventy-four cents, that's how much.

Next up, I'll cure cancer.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008
posted by dave at 1:40 AM in category general

Heh.

The subject of this entry is funny to me. I don't know why.

---

Monday was, by any definition you want to use, a wasted day.

I mean, I couldn't even make myself sad when I wanted. And that used to be my faithful standby mood. Today, I didn't even have that to fall back upon. I remained numb all day long.

---

I figure that 99% of my brain has, rather suddenly over the past few days, been left with nothing to do. That's a pretty big chunk. I find myself worrying and/or wondering what's going to happen, now that I've got all this extra processing power.

Something bad, that's my guess.

---

A cornered animal will always fight back. Though it may be terrified, and though it may be doomed, a cornered animal will always go out with a fight.

Snapping teeth and slashing claws. Squeaks turned into roars by desperation.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm being cornered. With nothing left to lose.

I don't like this feeling, and I wish it would go away. It's not appropriate. I have plenty left to lose.

---

Did I ever mention that I'd like to win the lottery and retire?

Well, I would like to do those things.

Monday, June 30, 2008
posted by dave at 12:19 AM in category general

Trust is one of those oddball things. It has to be earned, but simply earning it doesn't always garner it. Nope, it also has to be given. And there are no rules about trusting someone. It's all so subjective.

---

This thing that I just tried, and failed, to write about? Now I'm having fourth thoughts about it, and I'm thinking that maybe I should try again. Because it really is quite cool.

---

I think it's my fault that it keeps storming here. Every single time I hang my sleeping bag on my deck railing to dry, another storm comes along and blows it off the railing.

---

Tonight at Red Lobster there was the cutest little pair of twin two-month-old babies. Everyone wanted to just gobble them up. But nobody did, probably because they were saving room for the regular menu items.

Also, the twins' parents didn't look like they were having any fun at all. I guess that's what two months without any sleep will do to you.

---

I've been on-call all week, but tomorrow at 7:00 my week of torture ends. So, yay!

---

I've always been the first to admit that I don't know what the fuck is going on. And now I'll admit it again.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

---

I'm sitting here checking my email every couple of minutes, but all I'm getting is dick SPAM. I get a lot of that.

---

I guess I'll go out to my swing for a while now.

Friday, June 27, 2008
posted by dave at 1:14 AM in category general

What's always funny is how it just ends.

No sign off. No fade to black. No national anthem. No hint at all.

There's something, and something, and something and then, click!, there's nothing.

And, of course, when I say funny I really mean almost unbearably stress-inducing.

Seriously, would a simple good night be so terrible?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
posted by dave at 9:47 AM in category general

So Rich O's is going to be closed next weekend. All weekend. I could say something about what I think of that, but I kinda want to go in there again someday, so I'll hold my tongue.

---

This Friday I'm going to this dealie at our local Caesar's casino. I'm looking forward to it except for the tiny little thing that I'm on-call this week, and there's never been much cellphone reception at Caesar's. So there's a chance that all hell could break loose at work and I won't know anything about it until I return to civilization.

---

I really want to go somewhere next weekend. And now that Rich O's is going to be closed I really really want to go somewhere. But, who am I kidding? I'm not leaving the area, not even for a weekend.

---

I recently expanded my cable TV lineup. So now, if I wanted to, I could become a baseball fan again. The only restriction would be that I'd have to be a Reds fan. And I'm not sure that they're worthy of the time and effort I'd have to put in to really follow and root for them.

When I was in Seattle, being a Mariner's fan was both fun and validating, most of the time. But still, it's hard to be a baseball fan if you really want to follow the team. There are so many games. I dunno if I'm up for that kind of commitment.

---

My answer was no, of course. What a stupid question.

---

It's AlliDay today!

Yay!

---

Then Sunday morning I have some work stuff to do. It will probably be fun, unless it doesn't go smoothly. Then it will suck, but that's what I get paid for, I suppose.

---

I think that's it.

---

I know I'm forgetting something.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008
posted by dave at 10:55 PM in category general

Yes
Of course I will. Damn, it's been so long, I'm already trembling with the anticipation of getting to see you. And, not only seeing you, but seeing you happy. Because that's what's important - that you're happy. Of course I'll come.

And I will gladly shake the hand of the man who's done what I couldn't do.

No
What a stupid question. How could you even suspect that I'd agree to that? Have you ever even met me? What's the climate like on your planet, anyway?

I'll tell you what - I'll agree to see you and your dipshit boyfriend as soon as you agree that I can bring along the person you hate more than anyone.

Yeah, I didn't fucking think so.

Have a nice life, and I mean that seriously. But I'll be over here, trying to live my own life.

Maybe
I need to think about it for a couple of days. It's tempting, but it's more than a little scary. I really do want to see you, but I wonder if I also need to see you.

If the latter, then it's just too risky for me. I've got enough needs in my life right now.

It's been a long time, but has it been long enough? I need to think about this some more. I'll let you know.

Friday, June 20, 2008
posted by dave at 1:39 AM in category general

1. They did it already.

2. It's called Sideways.

3. But it could still be good.

4. I want Cusack to play me.

5. Or Jason Alexander.

6. Really, I want a cross between the two of them.

7. Not particularly attractive, but cool, you know?

8. I'd like a cameo, please.

9. Don't tell me the ending.

10. I want to be surprised.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008
posted by dave at 10:37 PM in category general

I've been spending some time reading through some of my old blog entries. I do this sometimes. One of my random quote thingies will catch my eye and I'll go read the original entry. Then I'll start reading all the subsequent entries for a while.

Like, I just read the stuff from December 2006.

I was in a weird mood for almost that entire month.

I think that the last entry of the month was also my favorite.

I guess I've been fooling myself, pretending with so much effort that there for a little while I actually believed it. I actually believed that it might be different this time.

But the hour looms nearer. The alcohol in my body fogs my senses even as it magically makes things more clear. I can see the truth. I know what's about to happen.

The same thing that happened on the past two occurrences of this date.

This little annual ceremony of mine has been polluted and corrupted. It's not even close to what it once was. It used to be something I'd look forward to. Ring out the old, usher in the new. Crap like that. It was kind of fun.

And now, now it's nothing more than a séance. Intensified, surely, because of the date, but otherwise no different than any of the dozens that preceded it this year.

In less than an hour, it begins again.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
posted by dave at 11:35 PM in category general

I'll extend this invitation to the rest of you. Even though I don't know you, and you could all be perverts, I'll ask you anyway.

I've got a new computer with a new webcam and new chat software.

I want to see if I've got all this stuff set up correctly so I can do a video chat.

I've asked several people, and all have declined. I think it's because they're all afraid that I'm going to whip my dick out or something.

Well, I've already done enough damage to the internet, when I uttered the word fuck in all its cursed glory.

I have no desire to sully the internet any more by introducing nudity to its pristine purity.

So, I promise, there will be no whipping-out of my wee-wee. I just want to see if I can video chat.

Can somebody help?

posted by dave at 10:27 PM in category general

Today I had an idea to start something the likes of which I haven't done in a while. A series of flash-fiction entries, similar to the old peril series from 2005.

This is as far as I got.

Twirling and dancing as thin ice groans and cracks under his feet. Not oblivious to the dangers, but spiteful of them.
I think that I'm just not in the proper mood to write something like this. I really like the imagery that it brings to my head, though. So maybe I'll hang onto this idea for some later date.

Saturday, June 14, 2008
posted by dave at 10:37 AM in category general

(There was this survey thingy that my sister posted. I started to repost it with my own answers, but then I decided to just use the survey's questions to maybe give me something to write about. So that's what I'm doing. Maybe one interesting survey question a day - that should keep me writing for quite a while. And I won't have to do that annoying thing where I think up my own topics. Unless I want to.)

Are you friends with any of your exes?
I suppose it depends on how you define friends and also on how you define exes.

I'm on friendly terms with all of my ex-girlfriends, I think. But it's not like we're still friends as I understand the term. I mean, it's not like we're always calling each other up and hanging out all the time. This is partly because most of them don't live anywhere near here, but I think that's only part of the reason. Things change, and people drift apart. It sucks, but it happens.

I'm pretty sure that, if I wanted to, I could call up most of my ex-girlfriends, and have a nice talk or whatever. I Iike to think that those relationships all ended on good terms. But the fact is that I don't contact them, and the other fact is that they don't contact me. That's gotta mean something, right there.

What's happened lately, more often, is that relationships deteriorate into purely sexual ones. I don't like it very much when that happens. I like to think I'm good for more than that, and I know that these girls are good for much more than that.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008
posted by dave at 12:09 AM in category general

One day last week I was emailing HatGirl back and forth about wine and such. I'm buying the wine for her wedding reception. Because I'm a nice guy, at least when people are deserving of my niceness, which is rare these days, but HatGirl is special.

Anyway, HatGirl said something or other about how to thank me for the wine. My thought was, It's her flipping wedding. I get to see her at her absolute happiest. That's thanks enough for a lifetime.

So I told her as much. But I also told her that, "Actually, you can thank me by letting me dance with the bride at the reception."

Pretty much the greatest idea in history, right?

That's what I thought.

In fact, there are only two things wrong with the idea.

My two left feet.

I can't dance. Not at all, and certainly not the type of dancing I expect to see at wedding receptions.

I guess I picture LuckyFucker and HatGirl dancing for a bit, then probably HatGirl's dad cuts in, then maybe I cut in. And it's that semi-formal kind of dancing that you see in the movies. My right hand on HatGirl's waist, my left hand in her right hand. And we do something with our feet, though I haven't a clue as to what that might me. Move them, maybe? Take some steps, perhaps? And I think there's this thing called "rhythm" that we're supposed to pay attention to.

So I've been asking around. Surely I must know some girl who (a) can dance and (b) is willing to teach me.

Nope.

As of this writing, zero girls will admit to knowing how to dance this kind of dance. Only FirstGirl would admit to any dancing talent at all, and she seemed much more interested in teaching me to Tango or Cha-Cha.

I guess I've still got some time. Maybe I can take some professional lessons. Or find me some gay guy to teach me. I think they're all born with the ability or something.

I guess the only thing I know for sure is that nobody should expect to see me cutting any rugs or getting jiggy with anything. I'm pretty sure those things are beyond my abilities, and I know for an absolute fact that I wouldn't be doing that kind of dancing anyway. There's not that much alcohol on Earth. You may as well expect me to sing karaoke.

Monday, May 5, 2008
posted by dave at 12:42 AM in category general

I just wanted to say that my cat Nugget is psychic.

He sensed that my mood was becoming unsteady, and he jumped into my lap and started licking my arm.

Now, if I can only get him to use his psychic powers to tell me the next winning lottery numbers...

Thursday, April 17, 2008
fyi
posted by dave at 10:45 PM in category general

My email is messed-up tonight. Sometimes I can send, but not usually. I haven't been able to recieve since about 7:00.

I feel like a caveman must have felt.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008
posted by dave at 12:26 AM in category general, ramblings

I need a new phrase. One besides, "This is huge!"

I know RockGirl has to be getting sick of me saying that over and over and over and over and over.

Nothing's great or cool or even fantastic anymore. It's all huge.

Like this thing that happened the other night. Or this other thing that happened three times tonight.

Fucking huge.

---

I think that one of my neighbors might be a dick. Not the one directly across the street; she's nice, and she has a hot daughter who sometimes comes over and mows her mom's yard in a bikini. And not the people who live behind me. They seem pretty cool, and they keep to themselves, the way I like it.

The neighbor who might be a dick is the one across the street and one house over.

He had a fucking streetlight put in his driveway.

The light pollution from that thing is ridiculous. Especially at times like tonight, when it's warm but the leaves aren't on the trees yet. I sit on my swing, trying to enjoy the darkness, and that damn light is all I can see.

I'd like to take a pellet gun and shoot the thing out. But I can't because I'd be the prime suspect, now that I've written about it.

---

I owe NotHideousGirl an apology. I will apologize to her in person the next time I see her but, for now, I will apologize here:

Sorry about that. It was only ever barely funny to begin with, and it's certainly not funny anymore. Plus, it sends the absolute wrong message. I will make every effort to never broach the subject again, except when I apologize to you in person, the next time I see you.
There. I feel better now.

---

This weekend SassyGirl is coming to town!

Yay!

As always happens, though, I'm on-call this week. So my weekend could get ruined if some bad enough stuff happens at work. I certainly hope not.

---

I don't know what I'm going to do Saturday night. Rich O's will be closed because of this airshow and fireworks thingy in Louisville. They were open last year for Thunder Over Louisville, so I don't see why they have to close this year. To piss me off, I guess.

---

Huge, I tell you!

---

I wish I'd have let that guy in the Peril series of entries live. I just know I could write a lot of good stuff about what's been happening with that guy for the past year. But how was I supposed to know, back then, that things would turn around this drastically?

---

I'd thought that I might get to go to Las Vegas in May, but now that's doubtful. There were three of us going, and I guess now only one of us gets to go. I hope it's me, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high. Plus, it would feel weird to leave here when such huge fantastic things are happening.

---

People probably don't notice it, but I really am a totally different person now. Here's one example:

Before, my reluctance was selfish, but now it's pretty goddamn noble of me, I think. Me, noble. Who saw that coming?

---

Man, I really want to write something relevant. But, every time I start, I end up stopping myself. Because people might go, Oh shit, Dave's off his rocker again.

The thing is, I never got back on the damn rocker. Everything is as it's been for years, except that now I'm getting a little bit of validation. Not encouragement, I cannot stress that enough. Just simple validation that maybe I wasn't quite as crazy as everyone thought. As even I thought.

There. That's about as relevant as I can allow myself to get.

---

Fucking huge!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008
posted by dave at 11:29 PM in category drink, entertainment, general

So today, instead of flinging myself off the top of the nearest tall building, I figured that I'd try HatGirl one more time. I was really starting to freak out, and I sent her a message telling her as much.

She responded!

Yay!

We traded a couple of emails. I guess most notable was that she looked at my entry from Monday and called the resemblance "scary."

She did not offer an opinion as to whether her ass is better than the one in the poster.

---

On another front, I keep saying that the tiniest little things can mean all the difference to me. Tonight someone declined an invitation I'd made. But it was still very cool, because I was expecting no answer at all. Even the tiny little act of turning down my invitation will end up being one of the high points of my week.

---

I think I'm going to try to take a day of vacation Friday. I've still got a lot of hours that I need to use or lose by the end of April. I'll most likely have to work several hours on Friday but, as I said last week, I can work from home and I won't have to put on clothes. Plus, having Friday off means that I can go to Rich O's Thursday night.

---

Saturday I go booze shopping. I'm trying to put together a list of stuff to buy, so if you know me you can send me an email and I'll add your choice to my list.

---

Tonight I watched this stupid I Am Legend movie. I also had most of a bottle of Left Hand Snow Bound (112). I say most of a bottle because I managed to backhand the glass onto the floor at one point. Oops.

---

I think that's it for now.

---

Oh, wait. LaptopGirl told me that I'd be sad when I found out who got eliminated from American Idol tonight. She probably thinks that I'd be sad if Ramiele was voted off, so that's going to be my guess.

Monday, March 31, 2008
posted by dave at 5:10 PM in category general, pictures

I have now been told, by three different people, that the girl in this beer poster at Rich O's looks uncannily like Hatgirl.

full poster

I can no longer ignore these observations. So I figured I'd post this entry and let those readers who know HatGirl decide for themselves.

Above is the full poster. I will admit a slight resemblance if I ignore the fact that HatGirl no longer wears glasses and her hair is now much shorter than that.

Here's a close-up of the facial area of the poster:

just the face, ma'am

Okay, it does seem to look like HatGirl. Except HatGirl's horns are not nearly so pronounced. This chick certainly has that hot librarian look that HatGirl is so famous for.

Here's a close-up of the assial area of the poster:

shoot now, ass questions later

I, of course, would never ever look as HatGirl's ass. She's much too pure and sweet for me to sully her in that way. But, if I were to look at her ass, I'm pretty sure that (a) it would be even nicer than what is portrayed here, and (b) there would be no tail.

Anyway, NABC's artist Tony Beard does a heck of a job, doesn't he?

Friday, March 28, 2008
posted by dave at 5:49 PM in category general, pictures

Awww, look at the kitties!

I spend a lot of my spare time, such as this time right now while I wait for the dryer to ding, playing this Euchre game on my computer.

I'm not going to try to explain what Euchre is except to say that it's a card game. If you already know the game, then no explanation is necessary. If you don't already know what it is, and I try to explain it, you're inevitably going to exclaim, "Oh! It's like Spades!"

And then I'll have to kill you.

It's not like fucking Spades.

Anyway, I play this Euchre game a lot. Me and a computerized version of my cat Happy partnered against computerized versions of my cats Buddy and Nugget.

Shut up, I am so not gay.

I must have played this game a million times. Way more than I've played it with actual humans. This might be a good thing.

See, Happy keeps pissing me off. He's constantly leading trump on defense. I think this strategy scored a point once, back in 2001 or 2002, but it had never worked before and it hasn't worked since. I'm constantly cussing out my computerized partner for this folly, but he won't listen. Because he isn't real.

I'm pretty sure that, if I ever have an actual human partner, and he or she leads trump on defense, I'll just have to kill him or her.

Sunday, March 23, 2008
posted by dave at 10:24 PM in category general

Okay, so I was just stung by a wasp. Right on my neck.

What's that vital artery in the neck called? The Get Stung Here And Die Artery, maybe? That's where I just got stung.

So, just in case I drop dead in the next few minutes - I love you all.

Except those of you whom I hate - You suck.

UPDATE 7:35 AM - I will apparently live.

Monday, March 17, 2008
posted by dave at 12:23 PM in category general

This is not an entry with humor about assholes. If you came here excitedly expecting to read poop and fart jokes, I'm sorry.

One of the big conversation topics at Rich O's lately, for most of the area bars in fact, has been that the local New Albany High School basketball team was (a) undefeated, (b) ranked number one in the state, and (c) quite possibly the greatest basketball team in the history of the entire universe.

I pretty much stayed out of those conversations because (a) I went to a rival high school, and (b) I didn't care, and (c) basketball sucks.

Anyway, Saturday night PearlGirl came in and joined us in the red room for a bit. She very quickly informed us that New Albany had lost it's playoff game, and that they were therefore eliminated.

I said, "They lost? Well maybe people can shut up about them now."

Undeterred, PearlGirl then started talking about the game itself. "It was a really good game!" she offered.

"Or maybe not," I remarked.

Now, a couple of people chuckled at my remark. And I began to wonder why. I mean, did they understand and agree with my sense of humor, or did they completely misinterpret my words, and still find them chuckle-worthy?

There are two ways to interpret what I'd said:

1. I was suggesting that it must not have been that good of a game, because New Albany lost.

2. I was postulating that perhaps people wouldn't be able to shut up after all.

For the people who know me well enough, it's trivial to know that the second interpretation is the correct one.

This is asshole humor. It is my forte.

I wonder how many people understood that, and how many people thought I was actually being sympathetic to the losing team and its fans.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008
posted by dave at 12:57 AM in category general

A week or so ago, I ran across this article. I've seen similar articles before. It seems like they pop up every year as St. Patrick's Day nears.

Then today I saw this article. This is just another rehash of the standard pets reduce stress story that news organizations use when Britney hasn't done anything crazy lately.

Anyway, for those keeping score at home, (a) I enjoy an occasional alcoholic beverage, and (b) I own not just one, but three cats.

I am, therefore, invincible and I will live forever.

When I see your great-great-great-great-grandchildren, I'll tell then you said, "Hi."

Sunday, March 9, 2008
posted by dave at 7:14 PM in category general

I was talking with my sister yesterday. She told me about how she'd been sitting out on her deck Friday night, trying to enjoy the snowfall, but it had become too cold and windy for her comfort.

So, she ran back inside her house.

I guess she ran quickly. Furthermore, I guess she ran too quickly.

Because she startled one of her cats.

The cat hauled ass out of the room to hide, but not until it had deposited two turds onto Dina's kitchen floor.

I think that cat was pretty smart. I think it deliberately shit on Dina's floor to provide a distraction while it made its escape.

I like that idea. I like that idea so much, I'm going to steal it.

In the unlikely event that my ex-wife ever sets foot into Rich O's, I'm not just going to haul ass out the back door. Nope, I'm going to drop my pants and shit on the floor first. That little distraction should buy me enough time to get away.

This plan should also work for other unwelcome intruders; my ex-wife is just the first one who came to mind.

Saturday, February 23, 2008
posted by dave at 8:31 AM in category general

Okay, I hardly ever bother to do this. Link to things I find on the internet, I mean. Because that would mean less attention would be paid to me. But in this case I can't help myself, because it's funny.

Below are two of my favorites. There are many more at Instructions for looking after baby.

washing

drying

Saturday, February 2, 2008
posted by dave at 3:33 AM in category general

...you can find stuff like this.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008
posted by dave at 2:04 AM in category general

As it turns out, I have spies everywhere. And I didn't even know that I had them. I thought all I had was people spying on me. Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm wrong about that.

Things aren't as bad as they've seemed. They're still not good. They still suck, actually.

But, thanks to my spies, I feel better about something that's been kind of nagging at me for several months. Not a big problem in the grand scheme of things, but enough to distract me from what's really relevant.

And, speaking of what's really relevant. I feel a little tiny bit better about that, too. Thanks to another spy. I still don't really know what's happened, but I now know that it wasn't this one stupid thing which I'd never even seriously considered except during my darkest moments. So, that's cool. One less thing to worry about.

Anyway, spies are cool. I highly recommend them.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008
posted by dave at 1:05 AM in category general

There's this thing that I'm not supposed to write about.

Not that one thing about which I keep writing, even though I'm not supposed to. A completely different thing. One which I've been able to more or less successfully steer clear of for years, except for a couple of minor, trivial, and harmless entries.

I fear all that may change, and that it may change soon.

I really hope it doesn't come to that. I'm really too old for that kind of shit.

Sunday, January 20, 2008
posted by dave at 1:41 PM in category general

I suppose I feel better now. I think that the only real casualty was my myspace account. It can't be retrieved, and I'm pretty sure that I don't care. It was pretty much irrelevant anyway. I did managed to save the facebook stuff, though time will soon tell if that was a wasted effort or not.

I don't think I'm going to write much about what happened. Something certainly did and, to deal with it, I needed to reset some things inside my head. Dial back some knobs, stuff like that. I've tried to find out what caused it, and I did manage to learn a couple of things. Bullshit things. I tried to do some damage control on that. I don't know if it worked or not, but at least I tried.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008
posted by dave at 11:43 AM in category general

This morning, just now actually, I was reminded of something that bugs me.

Let's say I write this in my blog:

It was freakin' cold this morning. Nine whole degrees when I woke up at the crack of 10:00. And yes, I know it's a lot colder than that in other places.
Did you catch that annoying thing that I did there?

I'm annoyed by this use of the "and yes" segue. It just rubs me the wrong way. It patronizingly presumes that the writer knows what the reader is thinking, then it casually dismisses the reader's thought. It's a little argumentative, yet the reader never gets his say. The reader loses an argument that he was never really in to begin with.

Another annoying use of the same segue is here, paraphrased from Slashdot:

It seems that the New Year's Eve fireworks show in Seattle had to be fired manually, because the software that was supposed to run things crashed. And yes, that software runs on Windows.
This time, I still did the patronizing presumption thing, but I also presumed that the reader would agree with me. Again, the reader never gets his say. He suddenly find himself with an ally that he may not want.

Anyway, that's my little rant for now. And yes, I know this was a silly entry.

Sunday, December 30, 2007
posted by dave at 1:17 AM in category general

1. Trevor
2. Cocksucker
3. Cumguzzler
4. Hogarth
5. Blaine
6. Buttpirate
7. Lance
8. Anything with an apostrophe in it - i.e. J'on
9. Anything intentionally misspelled - i.e. Travys
10. Englebert

Keep this handy guide with you at all times.

Saturday, December 29, 2007
posted by dave at 9:53 AM in category general, pictures

Last night I whipped this together and sent it to a few people. I mainly made it for RockGirl. She was looking for ideas on what to send her boyfriend.

RockGirl decoded it in about two seconds. HatGirl came very close right away, but may have given up. LaptopGirl is probably forwarding it to her attorney. WeirdGirl cheated, but she said it was only to check her answer.

I could have picked another image altogether for the third image. I don't know why I didn't.

whatever

Sunday, December 23, 2007
posted by dave at 1:48 AM in category general

Happy birthday to HatGirl!

Yay for HatGirl!

I got this nifty voice recorder doohickey for Christmas. Tonight, I recorded myself singing happy birthday to HatGirl. I was thinking about posting the audio file here. But I realized that the risk that my singing might melt the hearts of women all over the world - it's just wasn't worth it.

Besides, HatGirl already got to hear me sing it in person.

Friday, December 21, 2007
posted by dave at 11:05 AM in category general

The Internet is now complete.

I think we should all shut down our sites and our journals now, lest anyone ever be tempted to use the Internet for a lesser purpose.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007
posted by dave at 7:11 PM in category general

This will be close, but it probably won't be exact. It's been a couple of weeks since this one dude told this to me. I'd say exactly who it was that told me about this, but his mother or grandmother might read this blog, and I don't want to get anyone into trouble. Even though he could say he was tricked into watching it.

Anyway, according to my friend, there was this video. On the Internet, I think. I hope. I'd hate to think that this was in someone's private stash.

At the start, there were two naked girls kissing each other.

I immediately thought to ask the obvious question - Were the girls hot? - but as my friend continued to tell me about the video, the issue of the girls hotness became irrelevant very quickly.

Apparently, these girls moved directly from kissing each other to shitting on each other. I know, not exactly a normal progression, right?

But that's not all.

Then, I guess, the girls began to eat each other's shit.

But that's not all.

Next, I heard, one of the girls proceeded to vomit shit onto the other girl's face.

But that's not all.

At that point, I gather, both girls then started licking the shit/vomit mixture off of each other's faces.

At that point, I asked what had become the new obvious question.

Was one of the girls Cartman's mom?

I know why my friend told me about this video. It wasn't because he thought I might get turned on. Nope, it was because his head was totally full of disgust, and so he hoped to give some of that disgust to me. But it was just disgust, not shit, so it was okay.

I can't help but wonder about the girls in the video. About (a) why they'd do such strange things, and (b) why they'd have it taped and put on the Internet.

I can think of two reasons.

First, maybe there really are people who are into this sort of disgusting stuff. Maybe these girls are two of those people. Maybe it was all done in the spirit of some bizarre kink.

Second, maybe they just did it for the notoriety and/or some monetary gain.

I really hope that it's the former, because the thought of people doing that to each other and not even getting to enjoy it - well that would just be sad.

And I don't like sad things.

posted by dave at 12:03 AM in category daily, drink, general, ramblings

I'm feeling much better, thanks for wondering. It's always like this with me. I get all worked up over something and then, well I suppose I get it out of my system. Or maybe I just get used to it.

I guess I'll just go back to what I've always done. I'll wait. I'm good at waiting, and I'm pretty sure that my wait won't be in vain. Eventually, something good will happen.

---

A guy at work shot himself this morning. It's in the paper, so I guess I'm allowed to mention it here. I didn't know the guy. I just knew who he was. I imagine that a lot of people would say exactly the same thing. Maybe that was part of his problem.

I fully support a person's right to end their own life. To choose when their life will end. We get so few real choices as it is. But I don't support shooting yourself at work, where someone will have to find your body, and where someone will have to clean up the mess, and where someone will be traumatized. It would be much better, I think, to just disappear and never come back.

---

The other day I had this totally brilliant idea for an entry. For an article, actually. If I ever get around to writing the thing, and if I do as good of a job with it as I'd like, it may end up being my main contribution to mankind. That would be cool.

---

It's hard to stop counting days. I count the days until something good, or I count the days after something good. Because, right now, I have nothing specific to look forward to, I'm mostly counting the latter. Then, when that number gets high enough, I get to freak out a little. So maybe I do have something to look forward to.

---

Yesterday it took, I shit you not, an hour and a half for my pizza to arrive. And then, when I finally got it, it was ice cold. So much for enjoying Pizza Night.

So today I went back to Rich O's after work for another attempt. Rogue Chocolate Stout is back on tap finally, so I had one of those (2196). Right before I finished that glass, I got a little reckless.

Dave's Smoked Chocolate

(mixture) I mixed Rogue Chocolate Stout and NABC Cone Smoker in a 1:1 ratio. I'd been expecting these two very different flavors to elevate each other to new heights. But that's not what happened. They pretty much cancelled each other out. Good thing I didn't waste too much beer with this experiment.
Then, I had the rest of the glass of Cone Smoker I'd bought for the experiment (2789). It was kinda funny, how horrified PearlGirl was when she saw me mix my beers like that. It almost made my disappointment worth it.

Today's pizza arrived in about ten minutes, and it was yummy.

---

One of the things that keeps tempting me is the fact that, with about fifteen minutes, I could end all of this confusion. I could correct all of these misinterpretations. I could answer all questions. Now, knowing myself as I do, I realize that I'd try to stretch that fifteen minutes out to like a thousand years, but I think fifteen minutes is all I'd really need.

---

I just thought of something else, but it's worth an entry all on its own.

Saturday, November 24, 2007
posted by dave at 10:40 PM in category general

My Blackberry sucks.

Something has happened to its ability to save SMS messages.

Like tonight. Right before I left Rich O's, I drunk-texted NotHideousGirl. The gist of the message was that it sucked that there's nobody who'll miss me when I'm in Las Vegas this week.

Lo and behold, she responded. Something about how she missed me.

I replied back with some crap.

But now, when I go to look at my Blackberry to see what she said, and to see what I said in response - there's no record of any messages at all.

My Blackberry sucks.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007
posted by dave at 11:58 PM in category general

Got this in an email tonight:

whatever

They really need to be more specific about stuff like this. I mean, I can immediately think of two MySpace friends with upcoming birthdays, but there may be more. Then there are at least a dozen people overall who are/have been very important to me - all with birthdays coming up within the next week. This particular week in November has always been a magic and/or cursed week for me.

Kinda makes me believe in astrology, sometimes.

Monday, November 19, 2007
posted by dave at 7:29 AM in category general

Somebody help me out with my math here.

If the last three work weeks, consisting of 5 days each, seemed to last 13 days, 146 days, and 4.6 years respectively, then how long will this work week seem to last, given that it will only consist of two actual days?

On a slightly related note, should I strive to enjoy myself in Las Vegas next week, inevitably shortening the perceived duration of the trip, or should I wallow in misery in hopes of making the trip seem to last longer than it really does?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007
posted by dave at 6:07 PM in category general

Well, I guess I'm not going to do the novel thing this year.

There are several reasons. I wrote most of them in an email the other day, in part saying...

I think that, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the nanowrimo thing just wasn't for me. Not this year at least. I don't want to do anything half-assed, and that's pretty much what they tell you to do, with that whole Quantity Over Quality thing. It just rubs me the wrong way. Plus, there are some weirdoes in the group.
There was another, more private reason, but I think that the main reason is also the simplest. It's also the reason I left out of the email. Duh.

I just don't have the time. Not this month. I've got this Las Vegas trip staring me in the face, and all I can think about is that I'd have to write my entire 50,000-word novel by the 24th instead of by the 30th.

I still really like parts of the idea though. So I might just try to write myself a 50,000-word novel. It won't be done in a month, though. More like several months or even a year.

It seems like it might be fun, as long as a deadline isn't constantly bearing down on me.

Sunday, November 11, 2007
posted by dave at 11:13 PM in category general

I can't think of anything lengthy to write, so I guess I'll just list more random crap.

---

I go to Las Vegas two weeks from today. I'm practically dreading the trip, but I'm hopeful that this attitude will reverse itself - probably when I'm about to land and I can see The Strip out the plane's window.

---

Several week ago, RockGirl told me something that I didn't want to believe. I knew that she was telling me the truth, but I fought that truth for a long time. Now, that truth has come to pass, and I'm much happier for it.

---

I had a weird dream last night. I don't remember very much about it, but my friend Eric's wife Teri was in it, and she was some kind of secret agent on a mission to kill me. Luckily for me, she was pretty bad at her job, and we all had a good laugh about it later.

---

Yesterday I went to my nephew's grave for the first time since the funeral. They finally got his headstone delivered. It's very nice, for a headstone. I took a picture of it, but I'm not sure that it would be appropriate for this venue. What with it being depressing and all that. I much prefer, as everyone knows, to write entries about good stuff like boxes full of cute kittens.

---

Dina has redone Cory's room into a sort of sitting room. It's very relaxing, and quite a contrast from the teenaged boy's chaotic room it used to be. The walls are now painted a color that I can only describe as school bus yellow. I'd been led to believe that setting foot in that room would cause immediate blindness and/or skin cancer, but it's not bad at all. It really looks nice in there.

---

I've been talking to FirstGirl about maybe making a necklace or a pendant out of my rock. The whole thing was my idea, but it still makes me very nervous. I'm not sure that I'm a necklace kind of guy. I also don't want to do anything to damage my rock, so no drilling.

---

You know what's weird? The only dirty clothes in my house are the maroon scrubs I'm wearing right now. Last week, I did a million loads of laundry, and I've been keeping up with it ever since. Very strange, and my cats are beside themselves without the normally ubiquitous piles of clothes upon which to nap.

---

The other night NormalGirl and I were talking about some of the places I've lived. That discussion got Seattle stuck in my mind, and now I really want to go back there for a visit. Even though it's a long way away, I think I'll put it on my short list for next Spring's Easter trip. I'll have to stop smoking first though. I think that the new law in Washington allows people to shoot smokers on sight.

---

I'm pretty sure that I just did something stupid. I meant well, though.

---

I've been very tempted to delete my MySpace account. It no longer serves any purpose for me. I'll probably end up leaving it there, but ignoring it. We'll see, I guess.

---

I've noticed lately that a couple of my friends are very bad influences on me. Just to be clear, I blame myself for any and all personality defects that arise when I'm around these people. I somehow remain hopeful that I will eventually learn to spot, and stop, these defects before they ruin any more nights for me.

---

Hey, it's 11:11 on 11/11 now. I think I'll stop writing for a while.

Saturday, November 10, 2007
posted by dave at 12:12 PM in category entertainment, general

That show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is in Louisville makeovering a home.

Yeah, I know that's not a real word.

It's been all over the radio, how they're redoing a house for some semi-famous blind guy. Plus I guess they're all staying at this fancy hotel across the street from where I work. At least there's been a very large bus parked there all week, and everyone is saying it's the people from the show.

I used to watch that show. I used to like it. I mean, the things that they do to transform those houses are truly amazing. But I haven't watched it in a couple of years. It just got to be too much, with all the heartwarming and the tears and the uplifting moments.

It used to be that they'd swoop in and fix up a house for any of a number of reasons. Maybe because you were cool, or you needed more space, or maybe just because you applied for the thing. And, of course, there were the charity cases. People in real trouble, who needed real help.

But things changed. I guess the heartwarming stories rapidly became the most popular ones. And the more desperate the lives of the people being helped, the better the ratings were. So it kinda snowballed.

It used to be, back when I first started watching that show, it used to be that I could almost imagine them showing up at my house someday. I liked the semi-randomness. For me, that was a really big part of the show's appeal.

Now, though, they don't do that semi-random stuff anymore. If they show up at your house now, then you know that your life truly sucks big ones.

Like, we had a storm here in August, and one of my Tivos broke. I seriously doubt that the people from the show are going to give my house a makeover because of my broken Tivo. But, back when the show first came on, it was fun to fantasize about it. Now, it would be a horrible fantasy. Because first I'd have to imagine that half my family was dead. And the other half had cancer. And the other half was blind or otherwise disabled. And that my cats all hated me. And that, despite all the problems, I still spent all of my spare time and all of my spare money helping those even less fortunate than I was.

It used to be fun to fantasize about that show redoing my house. But now, I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves to have a life that's so crappy as to lure that show in.

Sunday, November 4, 2007
posted by dave at 5:56 PM in category general

A little while ago I got an email from RockGirl. Earlier today, we'd been discussing various meal choices, in particular my own preference for eating a lot of a single thing instead of a small amount of several things.

RockGirl asked me what I'd serve if a hot girl (she specified a certain one, but it's not important for this exercise) came over to my house for lunch.

It took me about a half a second to come up with an answer.

Homemade chocolate pudding. Then I'd say that I had no clean bowls or plates or spoons, and so we'd have to just lick it off each other's bodies.

I'd probably get away with it, too. Because in this fantasy universe of yours, wherein a hot girl comes to my house for lunch, anything at all is possible.

I thought this was funny, and so I plagiarized myself for this entry.

Maybe I'll sue myself later. I'd probably settle out of court, though. I wouldn't want to give myself too much hassle.

Saturday, November 3, 2007
posted by dave at 7:17 PM in category daily, drink, general

I'm dewrinkling some clothes now, so I have a little bit of time to kill. This one stupid shirt probably won't get dewrinkled, and I'll have to iron it. I hate it when that happens.

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment. It was routine, except for the girl who did most of the work. She was far from routine. She was gorgeous. Way too pretty to be working in a dentist's office. I mean, I generally like for any girls sticking their fingers in my mouth to be of reasonable appearance. I wouldn't want some old hag doing it, neither would I want a super-model doing it. At least not in that context, super-models should all feel free to stick fingers in my mouth at other times. And this chick was as pretty as any super-model I've ever seen. Especially when she had her cute little mask on, and all I could see were her incredible eyes.

So I spent all of my time in that chair thinking about baseball, so I wouldn't spring an erection and distract the poor girl as she worked inside my mouth with sharp metal utensils.

The greatest moment that I ever personally witnessed in baseball was several years ago. The Mariners were playing the Indians, and Kenny Lofton had spent about a week calling Randy Johnson a headhunter. When the game started, Lofton was the lead-off batter, and for the first pitch Randy threw a fastball straight at Kenny's head.

A big to-do ensued. There was no fight, but there was a lot of arguing. The umpire gave Randy a warning not to do that again, ever, young man.

Things settled back down, and the game resumed. For the second pitch of the game, Randy threw another fastball straight at Lofton's head, then he walked off the field. Classic.

Anyway.

Last night I went to Rich O's. I hadn't been planning to go, but LaptopGirl wanted me to take a look at her computer. That's not a euphemism. Her computer has been acting up.

So I had a nice pleasant evening talking with LaptopGirl. It didn't seem as surreal as it has lately, so I guess maybe I'm getting used to this new reality. I hope so.

Her computer is running Vista, and it's got some crap wrong with it. I managed to correct one glaring problem, but the rest will have to wait until we can scan the thing for spyware. I'm fairly convinced that's what's causing most of her computer woes. Also, the damn thing bluescreened on us three or four times. I didn't think Vista was ever supposed to bluescreen, and I'd definitely thought that Microsoft would have done away with that particular anachronism by now.

Like I said, it was a nice night. I had most of two bottles of yummy Koningshoeven Quad (722), and I had most of three bottles of yummy Schlenkerla Marzen (1938). LaptopGirl had the rest.

Later, the place turned back into a sausagefest. I stayed around for a little while, though. Talking to MusicalYuppieDude and a couple of other guys. I left just before they started kicking every out.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007
posted by dave at 7:48 PM in category general

I was positive that I'd already written about this, but I couldn't find it, so I'll do it now.

Let's review.

1. Becomes a Jesus freak and pretty much stops all contact with a drinker sinner like me.

2. Moves halfway across the country, and then breaks a promise to call me.

3. Tells me, in both words and actions, that my friendship is not worth the time or effort required.

4. Goes to West Virginia, of all places, and breaks off all contact. Again.

5. Decides, out of the blue, to get back together with her old boyfriend.

6. Becomes an asshole. Or, possibly, unleashes the inner asshole that was already there.

7. Becomes a slut. Or, possibly, unleashes the inner slut that was already there.

8. Pisses off the bartenders so many times that he doesn't come into Rich O's any more.

9. Allows a woman to come between us.

Hmmm, I thought there'd be more. And there would be, if I hadn't limited myself to the last three months.

If I had a friend, then odds are that I either don't have that particular friend anymore, or at least that the friendship has taken a sharp turn for the worse.

But I'm not really complaining. People leave all the time. I'm not complaining, but I am certainly noticing.

It's like all of the rats are leaving a sinking ship. And I'm the captain of the ship.

At least that's one analogy that I came up with.

The other analogy is that practice is over, and all of these people are just clearing the field, because the real game is about to start.

Thursday, October 25, 2007
999
posted by dave at 11:29 PM in category general

I have serious doubts that this will work. I just wanted to say that, right up front. So there's no doubt about my doubt.

I went to this thing. A meeting, actually. For a thing called National Novel Writing Month. I'd never heard of it before, but apparently they're organized enough to have their own website. Not that that is saying a whole lot. After all, I have my own website.

Anyway. I went to this thing because LaptopGirl invited me to it. I would have, of course, gone to anything to which LaptopGirl invited me. A dog shit tasting. A neo-Nazi convention. A football game. So I felt a bit fortunate that this meeting was about something that I could possibly be interested in. Or, at least, something that I could feign interest in.

The point of this thing, for those of you who haven't clicked the conveniently placed link which I so generously provided, is that you write a 50,000-word novel in a month. The month of November, to be precise.

Also, I'm not really sure that it has to be an actual novel that you write, because I asked if I could just use my regular blog stuff and they said that I could. It can be autobiographical nonfiction. That would be a pretty shitty novel, I think. But I do have a title for it already.

A November to Remember.
Pretty clever, huh?

Probably not very original, but as long as I don't Google it, I can continue to imagine that I made it up all on my own, and that I was the first to do so.

To write 50,000 words in November would require averaging 1,667 words every day. I looked back through some of my old blog entries, and the longest one I found was 1,800 words. So that was cool. But then I counted all the words for every entry for all of the months that I've done this, and the most words I found was a little over 12,000. So that sucked.

Basically, most of my most verbose writing came when I was crazy. So, to become verbose again, all I have to do is be crazy again. I certainly could do that, but I don't want to.

This entry is a test. To see how long it takes me to write 1,667 words, and also to see if I can do it without much effort. Because I can't imagine putting effort into writing 1,667 words every day for a month. If I do this, I'll just have to sort of skate through most days.

Okay, it was 426 words up to the end of that last paragraph. And it took me about 15 minutes, but I went to pee at one point, so maybe 13 or 14 minutes, tops. Now, all I have to do is quadruple my current output, and I'm home-free. Then, all I have to do is manage the same feat every single fucking day in November.

Doubtful.

I have a very strong suspicion that this would be an easier feat if I wrote fiction. Like a real novel. I've never really tried that, but I don't think I'd be very good at it. And I don't want to write something that has no real hope of being at least readable.

Only 543 now. Damn.

I do have some ideas for fictional stories. There are even a couple that I've had rattling around in my head since I was a kid. I even have a couple of opening sentences waiting at the ready for a story to back them up. I started one, once. It's probably in one of my notebooks around here somewhere. I only remember the first sentence.

Gary knew a flying saucer when he saw one.
My Nebula Award awaits. Although, now that I think about it, Gary is a pretty dumb name. It's way too normal and common. My character would need a more unusual name. One that suggested strength, both of body and of character.

Ulysses?

Nope, too dated.

Conan?

Ugh. Too much strength, and my character would not be gay. He would also wear a shirt at all times.

I dunno don't know do not know. Notice how cleverly I just increased my word count? Pretty subtle, I know.

Only 698?!?

Fuck. Not even halfway there.

I kind of think that writing this novel in blog format would be cheating. I'm not saying that I won't do it that way, I'm just saying that the idea doesn't seem quite legitimate. Kind of like when LaptopGirl asked if she could convert one of her existing screenplays to novel format. That, of course, would definitely be cheating.

See, I think that we're supposed to write new stuff. And, I get the impression, it's supposed to be stuff that we wouldn't be writing anyway. Like, it's supposed to be writing that we do specifically for this nanowrimo thingy. That's why I think the blog thing would be cheating. I already write 4,000 words every month, adding 46,000 more wouldn't be that great of a challenge. All I'd have to do is let the crazy thoughts back out of the bottles.

Would that be worth it? No way. Not even for a Pulitzer.

I was thinking about this for a while last night, because sleep was certainly out of the question. At about 3:30 in the morning, I had an actual good idea. Me, of all people. I think that, if I end up participating in this thing, the novel I write will be a direct result of that idea. So that means that I'm not going to say what my idea was so nobody steals it.

Muhaha.

Still only 928 words. I don't see how I could possible make it to my goal tonight. It's almost time to start checking my email every 10 seconds, and I can't be expected to write and do that at the same time.

I think that, tonight, I should stop at 1000 words. That's a nice round number. Wait, I guess that's actually an even number. Maybe, instead, I will stop at 999.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
posted by dave at 10:48 PM in category general

I was wondering, what's the most important piece of advice I could give to anyone starting their own blog?

I didn't have to wonder for very long. The answer is obvious. At least now it is. I wish it had been obvious to me, back when I first started.

Keep it anonymous.

Don't let it be traceable back to you.

Don't tell your family where your blog is, and don't tell your friends where it is. Because, if you tell anyone where it is, they will read it. At first, you might think that you'd want these people to read it. You'll probably write some things that you're really proud of. You'll probably write some things that you want to say out loud, but which you are unable or unwilling to say out loud.

It will be very tempting. You must resist that temptation. I wish, with all my heart, that I'd resisted that temptation. Things would be very different now, if only I'd realized the obvious, back when I first started.

Back before it was too late.

Monday, October 22, 2007
posted by dave at 5:37 PM in category general

A while back I wrote about random hot girls. And how much I like them. How they're my favorites.

Well, today I have a new favorite kind of girl. This group is not really a replacement for the random hot girl group, more like a specific subset.

See, today it's been raining. I guess that this rain caught a lot of people off-guard. I, for one, was lucky brilliant enough to be prepared. My umbrella was in my laptop bag.

Anyway, this rain caught people unprepared.

So people got wet.

Random hot girls got wet.

People have been running down the sidewalks. To their cars, to their places of work, to restaurants, wherever.

People are running.

And they're wet.

Random hot girls are running. And they're wet.

Random wet hot running girls are my new favorites.

Monday, October 1, 2007
posted by dave at 12:26 AM in category general

I was going to write about something. I even wrote some preliminary thoughts and a rudimentary draft in my notebook. But I soon discovered that it was going to be really boring, no matter how much I tried to dress it up.

Plus, I thought of something else to write about. And my new thought pushed all of my old thoughts out of my head and they shattered when they hit the floor. So they're gone for good now, those old thoughts.

Now, all I have to do is write something good about the new thing that I thought of.

But not right now, because I thought of the idea quite recently, and I think it needs more time to develop.

So there.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007
posted by dave at 2:09 AM in category general, travel

I totally forgot to mention that I've booked my next trip to Las Vegas. After Thanksgiving I'll be there for a week, for the same conference I attend every year. It's always been at The Rio, but now they're moving it to The MGM Grand. This is probably a good thing, especially since The Tilted Kilt will surely be gone from The Rio by then, but it will still feel pretty weird. I think I'm actually feeling a little ambivalent about the whole trip.

I wonder if I should try to call StupidGirl. I guess I've got almost three months to decide.

---

I thought I'd have more to write, but I guess not. Except that women are strange. And everybody already knows that.

Saturday, August 18, 2007
posted by dave at 1:45 AM in category general

So today it was suggested that I be bluntly honest at all times. The unspoken implication, of course, being that I'm some sort of pathological liar.

I'm annoyed by this. Annoyed enough that I will now present two facts.

Fact One: I do not believe that honesty should be used as an excuse for cruelty.

Fact Two: I do not believe that discretion and honesty are mutually exclusive.

That is all.

Sunday, August 12, 2007
posted by dave at 5:01 AM in category general

My family has suffered an unimaginable tragedy.

I don't know when I'll be back here. I'm not going to trivialize what's happened by writing my usual irrelevant drivel.

Friday, July 27, 2007
baa
posted by dave at 1:30 AM in category general

You ever find yourself surrounded by a group of people, people who you kinda know, but not really? I mean, they're acquaintances, but not much more than that?

You ever listen to them rambling on and on and on, and then suddenly you're struck with the realization that they're all idiots? Or even worse, mindless sheep?

Yeah well, me too.

It's a very revealing realization, and not a particularly good realization.

This is why I remain convinced that talking to and/or listening to people is, generally, a pretty bad idea.

posted by dave at 1:17 AM in category drink, general

I was just out on my swing, drinking a yummy Koningshoeven Quad (522) and I managed to get excited about writing something. Not anything in particular, though, just a mish-mash of subjects.

I don't like the mish-mash entries. I know that I'm only using them as placeholders. Just so it looks like I'm an active blogger. And I use them to touch upon subjects which really deserve their own entries, but which I'm unable and/or unwilling to write about at length.

For example: Today somebody was somewhere undergoing something. We were a little concerned, but everything turned out okay.

And that's all I can say about that, because it's nobody's business.

Anyway, on with the mish-mash.

---

This morning I was subjected to an interrogation. I evaded the questions as well as I could, but I didn't fool my questioner at all. There are answers that I'm going to have to provide before too much more time has passed. Just to ease some potential concerns if for no other reason. But I need to be able to answer my own internal questions before I can answer any external ones.

Things are complicated, and confusing, and convoluted.

I like it.

---

The ignore game champion of the universe has, apparently, challenged me to another match. I don't know why - her supremacy is undoubted. But I guess I'll play, because I've got nothing better to do.

---

When I was out on my swing just now, that one cat that I call Pete Jr. was there. He was scared of me on the swing, though, so I couldn't get him to come to me.

---

The other night MixedSignalGirl called to let me know that she was moving away Monday morning. Now, she's been gone almost four days. I'm pretty sure that I'm in deep deep deep denial about this. Otherwise I'd be a lot more sad than I am.

I told her everything. About how she's the one. About the rings. She still left. She's still gone. I'm still not as sad as I should be.

---

You guys hear about DeathCat? That cat in that nursing home that predicts when people are about to die?

Pretty creepy stuff, if you ask me.

---

The other day I was accused of being someone's best friend. This was a bullshit accusation, I thought. But, more than that, it put an awful lot of pressure on me to keep doing what I'm doing, and not change a single thing. This pressure is in direct opposition to some other pressure that I'm undergoing. Life is fun.

---

I've been on-call this week for work. This is always a pain in the ass, but this week it's been especially irritating because most of the problems which have arisen have been problems that I can't do a damn thing about.

---

Being on-call also means that I can't go to this dealie that my sister is having on Saturday, because I don't get any signal on my Blackberry at her house. This is annoying enough under normal circumstances - I feel like a caveman or something, being all cut off from the world like that. But when I'm on-call, I must be able to get text messages at all times or I'm screwed.

---

I spend about 33% of my time worrying about one thing, and about 33% of my time worrying about the exact opposite thing. For the remainder of my time, I'm free to worry about whatever suits my fancy.

What the fuck is a fancy, anyway? Sounds dirty to me.

---

I guess that's it for now.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007
posted by dave at 4:05 AM in category general

I just spent a couple of hours trying to write an entry about something that's been on my mind for a while.

The results were less than stellar. Much less than stellar.

See, I have good ideas so seldom anymore, that when I finally get a good idea, I put all this fucking pressure on myself to write something worthwhile. And I end up with gibberish. And I give up.

It's much easier for me to just let my fingers do all the work while my brain snoozes in the background. That's what I'm doing right now.

This particular good idea, the one I just tried to write about, was born in an email I wrote to RockGirl a couple of weeks ago. An inordinate amount of my good ideas arrive via from that same route. This is because I can tell her anything, and I don't have to censor any of it.

Not like here in this journal, where I have to censor the crap out of myself.

So, I'll write an email to RockGirl, and I'll say some shit about some crap, and I'll go, "Hey, that's pretty deep! I should write an entry about it!"

Happens a lot.

Then I'll try to expand that idea into an entire journal entry, and like I said, I end up with gibberish. Sometimes it's because I have to censor the entry so much that it loses all meaning. But usually it's just because it starts to feel too much like homework writing the thing. I know it's a good idea, and I know I can and should write a good entry about it.

It's the should part that gets me, I think. I don't want to waste the idea on a mediocre entry.

Also, it's 4:00 in the flipping morning now. I've got to get up at 6:30. That sucks big ones.

Monday, July 23, 2007
posted by dave at 9:41 PM in category general

Girls who want it:

That one girl.

That other girl.

That girl that I still think about every now and then.

Girls who need it:

The girl from that place.

That girl who I like a lot.

That girl I met that one night.

That one hot girl who doesn't think she's hot for some stupid reason.

Girls who deserve it:

Nobody I can think of.

Saturday, July 21, 2007
posted by dave at 11:35 AM in category general

I realized a little while ago, as I sat smiling about the fourteen most beautiful words I've seen in a long time and emailing RockGirl, I realized that I'd better write something. Because it's been a while. And, honestly, it's been a nice little break. But I fear that if I don't write something quickly then I might never bother to write anything again.

And that bleak future scares me, so here I am.

Anyway, I'm back home. Got back Friday afternoon. The trip sucked, as I'd known it would. I scribbled a few notes, so I might write up a Philly Trip Report eventually. But I might not. Ditto for a Friday Beer Report about last night.

I think I need to ease back into this blogging stuff.

Thanks to everyone who noticed that I was gone.

Thursday, July 12, 2007
posted by dave at 1:25 AM in category drink, general, travel, weather

I just came in from sitting on my swing outside. I was going to sit out there until I managed to think of something entry-worthy, but it's a little too chilly, so I came back in.

---

At Rich O's today after work (Rogue Chocolate Stout (1826)) I had an idea. What if I took all of the penis-enlargement spam that I get and bought everything they offer?

A couple of inches from a special diet, four inches from pills, an additional 20% from some stretching gizmo. And so on. What if I could add them all up?

I bet that, six months and a couple of thousand dollars later, I could sit at Rich O's and drink beer all day, but I'd continue to get paid because my dick could still be sitting at my desk at work doing my job.

It would be win-win!

---

There's a new stray cat outside. It's a very light gray color. I have named it Ghost, in case I ever see it again.

---

WeirdGirl is being a little mean to me. But I guess that's better than being nice to me. Because nice would remind me of what I'm missing.

---

Not that it really bothers me.

It's kinda funny. Not too long ago I kept trying to convince myself that I was a normal happy person. That deception never worked. These days I catch myself trying to get in a bad mood, and that doesn't work either.

---

Today, for some reason, I thought about this one kid from my youth. Not a friend by any stretch of the imagination, just a kid who lived next to my cousins for a while. So we were kinda forced to play with him sometimes. He was a real dick. He's probably in jail or dead by now. Or he's a billionaire. Man, what a dick that guy was!

---

There's something that keeps becoming more of a possibility all the time. Something that I should really be more worried about than I am. But I'm not worried about it very much at all. This may end up biting me in the ass.

---

I can't believe it's 1:00 AM and I'm still up. This is pretty stupid. Especially since I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn again tomorrow. I'm giving NotHideousGirl rides to work as her car woes continue unabated. It's nice to feel useful though.

---

If you ever want to see something funny, go to Rich O's when Roger is there and say something about how 8664.org wants to tear down I-64 in Louisville.

---

I was watching Big Brother tonight (shut up, I like it) and I got to thinking about a Rich O's reality show in that same vein. I don't think I'd be the first regular evicted, but I bet I'd be in the first five. I know without a doubt who the first evictee would be. And I'm pretty sure I know who'd end up winning it all. At least I know who I'd vote for.

---

I'll be gone all next week. If it's anything like the last time I went to Philadelphia, I won't have any time for anything but work. So I might go as many as five days without posting anything. The world will probably keep turning without my input.

---

Now it's 1:18 AM and I'm still up. I am stupid. I think I'll go to bed as soon as I finish this Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (2085)

Monday, July 9, 2007
posted by dave at 10:48 PM in category general

I don't know if this entry will go anywhere. Besides my drafts folder, I mean. Where it could sit until the end of time. This is just something I caught myself wondering about the other day.

I've mentioned before that my best friend growing up was Eric, and that Eric's parents own Polly's Freeze. I've also mentioned that my mom worked there, as did my aunt. I grew up 200 yards from the place. So it was maybe like a fourth home for me. After my own home, then my grandmother's, then Eric's, there was Polly's.

Anyway.

I remember back when we were kids. Eric and I would be walking or riding our bikes down some random road, and we'd come across a discarded plastic serving tray from Polly's. Sometimes we'd find these trays miles away from where they were supposed to be. Which was in the Please return trays here - Thanks bins scattered over the Polly's compound. We'd find them miles away because people are lazy and inconsiderate assholes.

Heh, I think it's funny that I used the word compound there.

So we'd come across these discarded trays, and Eric would invariably stop and pick it up so he could take it back to Polly's. "These things cost money," he'd always say. And I'd always think he was a dork, because it's impossible to look cool carrying an empty tray along the road. It was nearly impossible to look cool being around somebody who was carrying empty trays along the road, but I think I managed it okay.

Okay, now fast-forward thirty years or so.

I go to Polly's now, ostensibly as an adult. A lot has, of course, changed. But not enough to make the place any less of a pleasure. I order the same stuff that I used to order, except that milkshakes don't agree with me as much as they used to, so I get a Diet Coke sometimes with my double cheeseburger and fries. I try to sit at the table from which Eric and I would sit and look for pretty girls. Eric's parents are still there running the place. My mom and my aunt are long gone. The girls are still cute, but now they're all jailbait to me, and I find myself wondering what their mothers look like. And every now and then there'll be a dude working the counter. And that's just plain wrong.

Wrong, I tell you! Like a milkshake poured by a guy will taste anywhere near as sweet as one poured by a cute girl.

But I digress.

When I get my food at Polly's, the drink never comes with a lid. I always ask for one, because I'll be driving with my drink and I don't want to spill it. My food always comes with exactly one napkin. I always ask for an extra one, because I'm a slob. My food always comes with maybe a teaspoon of ketchup. I always ask for more ketchup, because I like ketchup with my fries.

The other day I had a late lunch at Polly's, and I asked for all three of these things. This special treatment, if you will. And for some reason I was reminded of Eric, carrying plastic trays along the road like a dork, simply because these things cost money.

And I got to thinking. Lids cost money. Napkins cost money. Ketchup costs money.

When I was a kid, I always used to think that Eric's family was rich. They certainly had more money than my own family ever did. But as I think about it now, I think that it was more just the fact that they got all of their money from Polly's Freeze during the six months each year they were open. Then all Winter they'd live on what they'd saved.

Not a bad gig, if you can get it, but they were not rich by any means. They worked hard for what they had, as did everyone. I'm sure they watched their spending even more than a lot of families did, because they always knew that they'd have to make their money last through the Winters.

So they wanted those trays returned.

And now, I have to wonder about that lid, and that extra napkin, and that extra ketchup. Those things don't cost me any extra, but they cost Eric's parents. By asking for those extra things, I'm essentially taking money from them.

By bringing those trays back to Polly's, Eric helped to pay for his own college education. By asking for a lid and an extra napkin and ketchup, I'm probably taking away from his inheritance. Now, because of my clumsy and slovenly and gluttonous ways, I'm probably denying his kids, and his sister's kids, and his brother's daughter, I'm probably denying them all the chance to live fulfilled lives. So, instead of being all they can be, they'll probably end up living in cardboard boxes in alleys, fighting rats for scraps of food.

posted by dave at 5:40 PM in category general

Okay, pop quiz time.

Say you make pizzas for a living. An order comes in. The order specifies "light on the sauce."

What do you do. What DO you do?

A) Use less sauce that you normally would. The customer is always right, and even if they're wrong, they should at least get what they paid for.
B) Ignore the request and make a regular pizza. Fuck the customer. You're the goddamn pizza professional, after all. Who does the customer think they are?
C) Be an asshole and load the pizza up with twice the normal amount of sauce. Customers suck. You hate them all and you wish they would die. Or at least leave you alone.
D) Forget about the special request and use the regular amount of sauce, then try to hide your mistake and fool the customer by using additional amounts of all the other ingredients. Customers are all stupid, they will never notice.

This is not a particularly hard quiz. But I'll give you a hint anyway.

The letter corresponding to the correct answer is a vowel.

Saturday, July 7, 2007
posted by dave at 2:26 PM in category drink, general

I'll admit it. I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed.

I like girls. Especially hot girls.

I will go out of my way to see them. To talk to them. To do other things with them, when the chemistry and timing is right. This does not mean that I'm an asshole, or a bastard, or a player, or a male chauvinist pig.

It means that I'm a normal straight single guy.

Like today, I went to lunch. I had a yummy meal, and two yummy Newcastles (6479), and I talked to a pretty girl. If BikerGirl hadn't been working, I might have turned around and gone somewhere else. If BikerGirl was an 800-lb geriatric paraplegic with bad body odor, I'd probably have gone somewhere else in the first place. Like to Lucky Strike maybe. There are pretty girls who work there every now and then.

Appreciating female beauty and company is not a fucking crime against humanity.

It feels good to vent sometimes.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007
posted by dave at 2:20 PM in category general

I assume that people are out there celebrating July 4th. At least the Americans are. I don't really know for sure. I just prefer to think that at least some of my friends are having fun today.

I'm certainly not. What seemed like good timing, long ago, has decayed over the years into one of those unfortunate coincidences that my life seems so replete with.

And that unfortunate coincidence is one of the things that I cannot bring myself to write about. That I will not allow myself to write about.

So I guess I'll stop now.

Or at least change subjects.

When I walk from work to The Pub for lunch - something I haven't done for a week because of rain and back twinges - I invariably pass one or more groups of protestors. I don't know what they're protesting. Some work atrocity, perhaps. I just know that I hate them all.

There's something wrong with the whole concept of protesting, I think. These people certainly have the right to free speech, but do they really have the right to annoy the fuck out of people with their chanting and marching?

That can't be what the founders had in mind.

I mean, if I wanted to protest, say, the lack of lesbian porn on prime-time television, I could do it. I could go get a permit. Make some signs. Perhaps recruit some like-minded individuals. And we could all go to our designated public-property sidewalk and march around and wave our signs and demand very loudly about how badly we want more lesbian porn.

Maybe some television executive would hear our demands, and maybe not. But it's a certainty that a lot of other people would hear them. People just walking by, trying to live their lives. They'd be subjected to our chants even though they (a) didn't want to hear our pleas, (b) didn't give a fuck, (c) couldn't do anything about our cause anyway.

But I'd still get to annoy them, because I had a permit allowing me to do so. It just doesn't seem right.

I think that one of the protest groups infesting Louisville, I think that they're demanding more pay or some shit like that. Hey, here's an idea.

If you don't like your job, then go get a new one. Take that energy you're putting into pissing me off every day, take that energy and use it to (a) take a fucking shower, and (b) find a better job.

I can get my lesbian porn off the Internet. You can find a better job. I don't annoy you, and you shouldn't annoy me.

And another thing. If I find out exactly what these idiots are chanting about, like maybe they don't like The Amalgamated Drywall Company or something, well then Amalgamated Drywall is going to be satisfying all of my drywall needs for the rest of my life. Sure, there's a chance that they may be assholes, but I know for an absolute fact that the protestors are assholes. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Or something like that.

Saturday, June 30, 2007
posted by dave at 11:11 AM in category general

Something I told ArtGirl I'd look up.

Moon Signs Compatibility - Pisces with Virgo

Your two moon signs are completely opposite to each other in an Opposition. This relationship may be extremely good, or it may lead to arguments over your own differences. You must watch for intolerance and lack of understanding. Overall these two signs are only slightly compatible, though you are more likely to be friends.

You are different in your understanding and opinion. Your Moon signs indicate that you are only slightly compatible. Virgo is typically a Moon sign of detail, practical and serious instinctive reactions. A Pisces Moon is gentle, nurturing and protective of others. The two of you must learn to keep your differences intact while at the same time enjoying your similarities.

Well, that sucks. Let's try another one.

Sexual Compatibility - Pisces and Virgo

There is a saying that opposites attract and Virgo and Pisces are a perfect example of this phrase. When these two meet, there is instant curiosity and sexual attraction. Pisces will see Virgo as a dream lover and will make every effort to hold onto the sexy and smart Virgo.

Virgo will see social and sexual adventures in Pisces and will always leave Pisces wanting more. Sex will be a strong element that keeps the relationship exciting. Love will blossom over time to the point of possible marriage. As close as these two get, they never really get together. Pisces could get cold feet at the wrong time and Virgo could get insecure. Virgo may say the wrong thing and at the wrong time. Pisces will view this as manipulation and swim away to safer waters.

For this to work, both signs need to truly understand the definition of commitment.

Compatibility rating: 4 out of 4 hearts

Okay, that's better. Now I'll push my luck and try another one.

Love and Marriage - Pisces and Virgo

Pisces' ability to sense Virgos every mood change and emotional needs of the moment may seem like a good thing, and it probably makes for most of the stress free moments that they will share, but it is hardly something to base a lifelong commitment on. Along with this perception of Virgos needs he/she will also sense the other facets of personality that are not so pleasing to him/her such as: the cold and critical side that will manifest itself at every mistake that Pisces dares to make. Pisces will close his/her eyes to this for awhile.

Virgo will be encouraged to make most of the decisions and Pisces willing abides by them as long as no mistakes are detected. Should Virgo make a mistake in judgment then Pisces can become as critical as Virgo and point the error out sharply. Pisces cannot seem to handle money as it slips through his/her fingers like water so Virgo will have to deal with the financial end of the union. Virgo will want to sensibly discuss differences while Pisces will retreat to his/her inner self to meditate and find the answers.

Virgos imagination in the bedroom is somewhat limited and Pisces could put a strain on the Virgoans nerves when Pisces' lets the imagination run to outrageous perversions. They must both make a lot of compromises to get through this match which is definitely not made in Heaven.

Damn. Should have quit while I was ahead.

Good thing I don't really believe any of this stuff. At least, not the parts I don't like.

Monday, June 18, 2007
posted by dave at 11:56 PM in category general

Her name was Leesa. I think that's how it was spelled. She was nice.

I have no idea why she, of all people, popped into my head tonight as I sat on my swing and watched in vain for any signs of an approaching storm.

Leesa was not a popular girl when we were in elementary school. Not by any stretch of the imagination. She was overweight. She wasn't very pretty. She was way smarter than everyone else.

I think it was third grade, when they started torturing us at school, By making us square dance. With girls.

Third grade is probably about right. By then I'd already been screwed over by whores twice in my life. The first time it was Jackie, who professed her love for me one day, and the next day taunted me from the lap of my best friend Kevin. The second time was Kristie, who was so torn by the parallel advances of me and my friend Mike that she broke both of our hearts by holding hands with another guy on the playground.

See, me and whores, we go way back.

Anyway.

Leesa was, as I said, not a popular girl. She was pretty much the opposite of popular. And it didn't help matters that, two or three times a year, her mother would storm her way onto the school bus and yell at all of us for picking on Leesa and making her cry.

I never made Leesa cry.

I was a good kid. I really was. I was never one of those boys who'd pick on a girl because everyone else was doing it.

Starting in like the third grade, and continuing though the sixth grade, they made us square dance. Just every now and then. Maybe three or four times a year. Any more than that, and there'd have been a riot, I'm sure.

So starting in third grade, instead of gym class, sometimes they'd make us square dance. With girls.

The first time, it all happened so quickly. The teacher said to find a partner, and *hocus-pocus* everyone had a partner. Everyone except for me and Leesa. And then, instead of letting us kill ourselves for being the last ones left, the teacher made us dance together. With. Each. Other.

She didn't give me cooties.

She didn't make fun of how bad a dancer I was.

She ignored the giggles of everyone around us as we twisted and twirled as the caller commanded.

She had such a quiet grace about her. Not a physical grace. None of us had that at that young age. But she had a calmness about her. It was only when the teasing overwhelmed her that she ever seemed to notice it at all.

She was nice to me, and in return, I was nice to her.

For the next three or four years, every now and then, they'd make us do square dancing instead of regular gym class. And for the next three or four years, I never wasted a second picking my partner.

It was always Leesa.

I don't remember ever seeing her in junior high or high school. She was probably there - we just didn't share any classes. I haven't thought about her in thirty years. But she popped into my head tonight, when I was watching for a storm that never came, and thinking about what I really wanted in a woman.

I hope she's had a happy life.

Thursday, June 14, 2007
posted by dave at 8:52 PM in category daily, general

First, a public service announcement:

The hosting company that hosts the barenada.com domain has apparently chosen this week to practice sucking dead donkey cocks. Most notably, this has affected all email addressed to or coming from that domain. I estimate that I have three day's worth of incoming and outgoing email jammed-up on the hosting company's servers. Until my hosting company stops practicing sucking dead donkey cocks, email contact with me will be sporadic at best, and nonexistent at worst.
Today I learned a couple of things.

First, I learned that cellphones are banned in the race and sports book areas of casinos not, as I'd thought, because of some tape-delay thing, but because casinos don't want people using the casino's calculated odds and then calling their bookies and placing personal bets.

Second, I learned how to open a beer bottle with a lighter. This is a valuable skill, and quite frankly I'm not sure how I survived to such an advanced age without that skill.

Sunday, June 3, 2007
posted by dave at 8:44 PM in category general

I guess some guys must fall for this shit. I'm glad I'm not one of them.

Hi,

How was your weekend? Mine sucked! My boyfriend dumped me last week and I need to get out there and meet someone. I saw your profile and see that you looked pretty cool. I like older guys too. I need someone more mature. Anyways I just signed up for this dating site if you want to look me up my profile name is "summerfun2"

See more picture of me! its free to sign up! I need a date!

I also have more pictures on there too (including my trip with my girlfriends to the Bahamas last month :)

And some people wonder why I generally despise everyone.

Sunday, May 27, 2007
posted by dave at 11:18 PM in category general

The last, and only, time I did one of these was almost a year and a half ago. I figure it's time for an updated list.

My apologies to anyone I left out. I assure you that it wasn't intentional. I will continue to make updates here as memories resurface and new things happen.

I've also decided clarifications of the women I write about are indeed frequently asked questions, so I'll be updating my FAQ page with a link to this entry. The things I do for you people.

AlliGirl: One of my favorite people slash girls slash bartenders anywhere. Makes me wish I was a couple of decades younger.

ArtGirl: She's an artist, and she works in a museum. I have a crush on her.

BadPickleGirl: A friend of my sister Dina. We "half-ass dated" for a short while. She's a very nice person, and one of my favorite people to talk to.

BamaGirl: A girl from Rich O's. I only see her and her husband every now and then these days.

BigWheelGirl: One of LaptopGirl's friends. She drove us to see Screech. The nickname is because of a story that LaptopGirl told me about when they were kids. I'm pretty sure that BigWheelGirl hates me with a burning passion.

BikerGirl: See AlliGirl. A hot bartender at The Pub. She has a motorcycle, hence the nickname, which I don't use anymore.

Bubbles: A Rich O's regular. She just has a bubbly personality.

CanadianGirl: She used to work at my company, and she'd show up at Rich O's every now and then. She moved to Omaha. The nickname is because she's from Canada originally. She's a very friendly drunk.

CannonGirl: Another name for TrainGirl. She used to work at this historical place with cannons. I don't know where she's at these days.

CartGirl: A nice girl at work, who usually brightens my day. She pushes a cart around for a living.

CrewCutGirl: A girl from Rich O's. She has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I wrote an entry about her once.

CuteAsFuckGirl: She grew up in Washington County. She wants me. The nickname is self-explanatory. I haven't seen her since the day I met her.

CuteBartender: A cute bartender at Rich O's. I have a crush on her.

CuteBlonde: One of the regulars at Rich O's. She's married to some guy who's name I can never remember. Another nickname that needs no explanation. I don't think I've seen CuteBlonde in over a year.

Dina: My sister.

DoableGirl: A cute girl who I've seen at Denny's a couple of times.

DooRagGirl: See NotHideousGirl.

EllaGirl: See WeirdGirl. This nickname, which didn't stick, was because she looks like a girl name Ella from JournalSpace.

EnglishGirl: I spent several hours talking with her in Boston. Extremely nice. I should have given her my email address. She's from England. I haven't heard from her since, probably because I didn't give her my email address.

EwokGirl: Our cubicles used to be next to each other. Sometimes she would bring me free germs. She told me to use EwokGirl as a nickname. She's cute as a bug.

ExoticGirl: A smoldering hot girl that used to come into Rich O's sometimes. She's married. She's got sort of a Middle Eastern look to her, hence ExoticGirl.

EyesGirl: A really cute girl I talked to in Covington, Ky one night. She had two eyes.

FilleFransaiseSexy: One time, CanadianGirl brought some French people into Rich O's. I asked one of the French dudes how to say "hot French girl" in French, and this nickname is the result.

FirstGirl: A PBD at Rich O's, married to another PBD.The nickname is not, as one might suspect, because she was my first girl, but rather because she was the first person to ever talk to me at Rich O's after I started hanging out there.

FoxyGirl: A girl I went to school with. I'm pretty sure she was my first love, as least as far as I knew at the time about love.

GlassesGirl: A friend of Neisha's from childhood, and a former regular at Rich O's. I don't talk to her as much as I used to. Probably because she doesn't come to Rich O's anymore.

GropingGirl: A girl I met in Covington. She seems very nice. Maybe a bit too nice with people she never saw before in her life.

HatGirl: I adore HatGirl, and I wish I could see her more often. Besides being beautiful and smart and funny, she's the only girl who's ever successfully distracted me from missing LaptopGirl. Her fiance is LuckyFucker.

HomelessGirl: See OddlyFamiliarGirl.

HopGirl: Married to ScarecrowDude. Very nice. She likes hoppy beers.

HotBartender: She worked at The Great Lost Bear in Portland Maine when I was there. The nickname is self-explanatory.

HotEuchreGirl: She's hot, and she plays euchre. I don't think she likes me very much. Or maybe she likes me too much.

HotGirl: See BadPickleGirl.

HotGirlsHotCousin: It was just pointed out to me that I hadn't listed her here. She is BadPickleGirl's cousin, and since BadPIckleGirl used to be called HotGirl, well the nickname is pretty obvious. I see HotGirlsHotCousin about once a month or so at Rich O's.

HotRedHead: GlassesGirl's friend. I'm pretty sure that I ruined her life or something by writing about her. Oops. Haven't seen her in a long time.

HotRedHeadGirl: See HotRedHead.

ImprobablyHotMarriedGirl: One-half of TeamHotness, along with UnbearablyHotSingleGirl.

JauntyGirl: SassyGirl's (ex?)-girlfriend. Has a very pretty smile, and I like her a lot. The nickname is because of a jaunty cap she was wearing one day.

KidneyGirl: Just this weird girl that may or may not have tried to pick me up at The Pub once. The nickname is because of the old urban legend about waking up in a tub of ice with your kidney missing.

KittenDamsel: She's listed elsewhere here, but I'm trying to keep her two personalities separate. She's extremely sweet, one of those girls with whom timing screwed everything up. Currently we're thinking about trying again.

LaptopGirl: She moved away and I became sad. I might have mentioned being sad once or twice here in this journal. For a while, after she moved back, I became hopeful that our friendship could be resurrected, and maybe even more than friendship. I was wrong, but I did finally get to try.

LibertyGirl: A semi-regular at Rich O's. She has a 'blog, but she never updates it. The nickname is a bit of a play on her real name.

LibraryGirl: A friend of SassyGirl. She works at the library.

MaineGirl: A really cool chick that I spent several hours talking to in Portland a few years ago.

MaybeCrazyGirl: A girl from Rich O's who may be crazy, as she was hitting on me, of all people.

MisunderstoodGirl: One of the best. I call her this because many people don't make the effort to get to know her, and so they never understand her at all. She's a very cool chick, and quite a good artist. She moved away, and that makes me sad.

MixedSignalGirl: My ex-girlfriend. The nickname is because of a malfunctioning traffic light we encountered on our first date. She could never quite get over the whole LaptopGirl thing. She is, by far, the most amazing person I've ever known, and I miss her every single day, but I also accept that she's better off without me.

NakedGirl: This sweet girl from JS who keeps me company via email sometimes.

NeighborsDaughter: A very cute, very married girl who works at the local GasNStuff and is the adult daughter of my neighbor. She comes into Rich O's every now and then.

Neisha: My youngest sister.

NiceGirl: PlantDude's fiance. Sort of a semi-regular at Rich O's. She's nice, and we make an awesome euchre pair.

NormalGirl: A smoldering hot girl who also seems incredibly nice and down to earth. I keep waiting for her schedule to become less hectic. There could be actual potential there, I think.

NotHideousGirl: A childhood friend of my sister, Neisha. She picked the nickname, in a roundabout way. We used to have lunch together quite often, but not anymore. I think we've broken up, and that's a shame.

OddlyFamiliarGirl: This is NotHideousGirl's sister. That's why she looked familiar.

OddlyPrettyGirl: One of the owners of the Rich O's/SportsTime empire. Not Roger. I don't know why I chose that nickname for her.

PearlGirl: A girl at Rich O's. I think she's becoming a regular or something. She has the same Blackberry model as me.

PeeGirl: This very cute young girl who watched me pee then used me to sneak around the doorman at a bar one night.

PictureGirl: I had a fling/thing with her in Las Vegas. Just cute as hell. The nickname is sort of from how we met. Last time I checked, she was very happily involved with some lucky guy.

PigtailGirl: I had a one night stand with her in Las Vegas. She's from Portland Maine. She had pigtails.

PokerGirl: A hot friend of HatGirl's who plays poker for a living in Las Vegas.

PoolGirl: A cute, married girl that's become a bit of a regular. She's a pool player, apparently.

PortGirl: Some chick that kept talking to me about port wine one night at Rich O's.

ProbableLesbian: This girl used to come in to Rich O's all the time, but I haven't seen her in years. A self-explanatory nickname.

RahRahGirl: A cute friend of NormalGirl. The nickname is because she's a cheerleader.

RealTrainGirl: See SassyGirl.

RedHairGirl: See HotRedHead.

RedRoomGirl: Just this chick that was hot that sat in the red room one night.

RingGirl: A girl I met at Bearno's. We went to Denny's. She has a weird ring.

RioGirl: We went swimming together, and she told me that she liked my hair when it was mussed up. She worked at The Rio in Las Vegas.

RockGirl: My kindred spirit. I've never met her in real life though - I just know her from the Internet. The nickname is because she sent me a rock. Someday I hope to get up the courage to meet her in person. I owe her my life, in every sense except the literal one.

SassyGirl: My lesbian girlfriend. One of my best friends from Rich O's. Her nickname is because of a new, shorter hairstyle that she got.. SassyGirl moved away, and even though she's been back to visit several times, things haven't been the same. I miss her friendship, a lot.

SmolderingHotGirl: A possibly underaged girl that SpikeBoy and I drooled over one night at SportsTime.

SneakyGirl: An on again/off again girlfriend. Mostly off. She's sneaky, and funny. I chose SneakyGirl because she admits it about herself.

SpoonsGirl: My sister Dina's friend. The nickname is from a very dark day in her life.

StalkerGirl: One my readers who flattered the shit out of me by going back and reading three years' worth of drivel. I'm pretty sure that she's hot, but I'm positive that she's married.

StoreGirl: A semi-regular at Rich O's. The nickname is because I ran into her at my local grocery store once.

StupidGirl: A very mean nickname for a girl who turned out to be very nice and sweet. We're officially "involved" now, though we still live a million miles apart, and that makes me sad.

SunburnGirl: See MisunderstoodGirl. One night I changed everybody's nicknames, just to mix things up a little.

SuperHotYoungGirl: The nickname is self-explanatory. She doesn't come around anymore.

SweetAssGirl: I met her in St. Louis. She had a sweet ass.

TacoBell: See JauntyGirl. I called her this when I first met her, because she worked at Taco Bell.

TallBlondeGirl: This cute girl I talked to for several hours at Mac's one night. She actually distracted me from NotHideousGirl's singing, which is something I'd thought would be impossible.

TallLady: One of the regulars at Rich O's. She died in July 2011, kinda suddenly. She was very nice except when she was trying to get me to smile, then she wass too pushy. The nickname is because, duh, she was tall. Like over six feet I think.

ThatOneHotGirl: A girl I became smitten with at Rich O's one night. I kinda want to have children with her, if I ever see her again.

TracingGirl: See VigilanteGirl. One night I changed everybody's nicknames, just to mix things up a little.

TrainGirl: She used to be SassyGirl's girlfriend. She was really nice to talk to, but she moved away so I don't get to see her any more. When I first met her, I got her and SassyGirl mixed up, so I thought she worked for the railroad. Once I found out that I'd mixed them up it was too late to swap nicknames.

TremensGirl: A semi-regular at Rich O's. She's a cute redhead who drinks Delirium Tremens. She thinks I'm brave for some reason.

UnbearablyHotSingleGirl: The other half of TeamHotness, along with ImprobablyHotMarriedGirl.

VigilanteGirl: We used to flirt with each other a lot, when she worked at GasNStuff. The nickname is from a story she told me, when we first met, about chasing down some gas thieves. I didn't see her for a year and a half until one day I ran into her at White Castle. Now I'm hoping that it's not another year and a half.

WeatherGirl: A smoldering hot friend of LaptopGirl.

WeirdGirl: My last girlfriend, as of this writing. I still see her every now and then, but we both realize that there's no future for the two of us. A pregnancy scare help to make that perfectly clear.

WorldsHottestGirl: She used to come into Rich O's a lot, but she stopped. The nickname is self-explanatory.

YoungGirl: A really nice girl from Jack's who I've hung out with a few times as a sort of rebound.

ZodiacGirl: See LaptopGirl. Sigh. One night I changed everybody's nicknames, just to mix things up a little.

Saturday, May 26, 2007
posted by dave at 6:24 PM in category general

I just don't understand this craze. I mean, I understand the goal of the things, but I don't get how they're supposed to be fun.

The bartender at lunch today was doing one. I've seen BikerGirl do them. In fact, I've seen bartenders doing them all over the place. There have got to be better ways to kill time.

In elementary school math class, they'd give us these things, and we'd call them pop-quizzes, and we'd hate them. But now, they're called puzzles and they're supposed to be so much fun?

I just don't get it.

Friday, May 25, 2007
posted by dave at 1:20 AM in category general

That seemed a lot better in my head than it ended up on the screen. So I've deleted it. But I'll rewrite it, and I'll try to do a better job.

Saturday, May 19, 2007
posted by dave at 10:19 AM in category general

I was going to write some long rambling crap just now, but I changed my mind.

My happiness inertia is running out. I need another push.

Thursday, May 17, 2007
posted by dave at 11:07 PM in category general

So this HarpO guy tagged me to participate in this eight things about me meme that's making the rounds at JournalSpace. And I'm stumped. I've been trying to come up with eight things that (a) I've never mentioned before, and (b) are at least halfway interesting.

And, like I said, I'm stumped. So I'll skip the interesting requirement, and I'll just list eight new things about my lovely self.

1. I've had a lot of different cars in my life, but when I dream about a car, it's always the same one. My 1979 Pontiac Firebird. It was the second car I ever owned.

2. When my ex-wife and I bought a mobile home, and had it moved onto the base where I was stationed, I set the entire thing up by myself. I leveled it and hooked up all of the utilities by myself, in the rain. All I had to help with the leveling was a 4-ton hydraulic jack.

3. When I was in eighth grade, this one seventh grader had a crush on me. I thought she was very cute and nice, but she was an outcast. I succumbed to peer pressure and I broke her heart. She got the last laugh on me by becoming smoldering hot in time for the next school year and then never speaking to me again.

4. I'm pretty sure that the first girl I ever had sex with is a lesbian now.

5. I haven't heard from HatGirl in about a million years. I'm well beyond my normal freak-out point, but I'm still doing okay. I don't like it that I'm still okay.

6. NotHideousGirl told me today that I'm really good at putting out the friend vibes to women. I can't decide if that was supposed to be a compliment or not.

7. A while ago I almost threw $6,000 into the Ohio River, on purpose.

8. Last night I was watching Lost and I got the idea to write an entry about the five best and the five worst moments of my life. But then I realized that I could come up with a million worst moments, but only a couple best moments, so I gave up on that idea.

I think I'm supposed to tag eight people to do this, but I never tag anyone for this kind of stuff, and I see no reason to start now.

posted by dave at 8:44 PM in category general

I have never in my life been able to climax from a blow-job. Not even close.

There.

Now that I've got my sisters to stop reading this entry, I'll continue.

I was in a fight with one of my sisters recently. Not a real fight, but an email argument of sorts. I don't want to get into the details because it's nobody's business, but I think I can safely summarize by saying that she thought I was the worst person on Earth, and I disagreed.

I bet though, if I was the worst person on Earth, there'd be ways to make some pretty good money out of it. Even if it was just charging people to not hang out with them. Or maybe I could do school assemblies and give a moving don't grow up like me speech. Or a political party could pay me big bucks to endorse someone from a rival party. Like I'm pretty sure that Jesse Jackson must be on the Republican party's payroll.

The possibilities for wealth are almost endless.

And it must be easier than being the best person on Earth, because nobody has ever accused me of that.

Sunday, May 13, 2007
posted by dave at 6:13 PM in category daily, general

I have a problem with toes. Whenever I see bare toes, I become very concerned that I'm going to accidentally step on them and crush them. I don't know if this fear is because of some tragic and long-repressed event from my childhood or what. I just know that I have a real fear of stepping on bare toes. Shoes, and even socks - they don't bother me at all. This is especially an issue at Rich O's because (a) a lot of the people there are hippies who wear sandals even in the Winter, and (b) There isn't much space between the coffee table and the sofa and loveseat.

Speaking of Coffee, if CoffeeDude decides that it's once again time to lecture LaptopGirl on the realities and hardships of life and make her cry, well I might have to think of something to make CoffeeDude cry. Like maybe I'll buy a big expensive bag of coffee and then flush it down the toilet or something.

An excited girl is not a problem that must be solved. It's not a plague upon the land which must be eradicated. It's not a boil that must be lanced. It's not a fire that must be drowned. It's a good thing, even a great thing when it makes the girl's eyes light up like LaptopGirl's were lit up last night.

Speaking of drowning, I don't know how much water plants are supposed to get. My sister is on vacation and yesterday and today were my days to feed the cats and water the plants. I was really hoping for rain so I could skip the latter task, but nooooooooo! It's been beautiful all weekend. Damn my luck.

So I probably gave the plants too much water, and they'll die soon. Or I might not have given them enough, and they'll die soon. Either way, I'm sure they're going to die soon. But at least the cats are okay. I can deal with cats. I know cats. Plants, not so much. Or not at all.

Speaking of plants, today while I was driving home from Dina's, my pretty girl radar went off. I looked to my right, and there was BadPickleGirl, browsing around this plant stand in front of a convenience store. So that was cool. I stopped and talked to her for a bit. She's nice.

Speaking of nice, BigWheelGirl was actually nice to me last night. This was noticeable because she usually tries to disintegrate me with the laser beams she shoots out of her eyes. Shit, last night, I actually made her laugh and grin. One of each, I think.

Speaking of laughing and grinning, that's what I did all night long on my swing. I laughed out loud at the universe which had tried so hard to destroy me. I grinned so big and so much that I half-expected an attorney from Lewis Carroll's estate to show up with an injunction.

You can get cramps in your facial muscles. I didn't know that before. It hurts.

Speaking of learning something new, I also learned that it's a lot more fun for me stay awake for 38 hours because I'm happy than to accomplish the same feat because I'm sad. It's still not that much fun though.

Friday, May 11, 2007
posted by dave at 7:31 PM in category daily, general

NotHideousGirl and I spent an inordinate time, at lunch today, discussing funerals and funeral parlors.

This is probably my fault. I broached the subject by mentioning that I was going to visitation for a former coworker of mine.

I may have started the discussion, but NotHideousGirl is the one who took it and ran with it. So for about an hour we talked about these happy subjects. I tried a couple of times to talk about something else, such as how weird and/or cute her hair was today, but she'd have none of that.

At one point we played the fun little game of counting how many times we'd been to funeral homes. Maybe you can use this the next time you host a kids' birthday party. Here's my list:

My paternal great-grandfather
My maternal grandfather
My mother
My friend Gary from Omaha
My paternal grandfather
My maternal grandmother
My father
My aunt Carol's sister (visitation only)
My aunt Helen (visitation only)
My former coworker Scott (visitation only)

Not too bad of a list, for someone my age. NotHideousGirl used the word "dozens" as she counted. So she won that game.

But there have also been some who've died and I didn't make it to the funeral home:

My girlfriend Jackie
My maternal grandfather
My cousin Chris
My uncle Tommy
My aunt Elaine
My parents' friend Marie

And probably some others, of varying degrees of closeness.

The point I was going to make here is that for the ten people listed first, my last memory of each and every one of them is of them lying in their caskets. And, for the six people in the second list? My last memory of them is when they were alive, talking, laughing, smiling.

I, personally, very much prefer the latter choice.

I don't like the fact that I cannot think of my mother without my brain fast-forwarding to the sight of her dead in the funeral home, with her hair done all weird and wearing makeup and a dress I'd never seen before.

My last memory of my cousin Chris was the two of us sitting in his kitchen, catching up on old times. Laughing and bullshitting about how absurd our lives had become. How grown-up the world expected us to be, when all we wanted to do was go hiking and climbing trees in the woods.

Yes, I definitely prefer the latter choice.

I've thought about this before, and I think that I've even talked with at least one of my sisters about it. The thing is, I don't want an open casket funeral. I don't want that to be the last time people see me. I'd rather just have pictures posted around the place, and maybe some home movies playing. Stuff like that.

Not my corpse, in a suit, in a box.

NotHideousGirl tells me that I'm weird. And I probably am. But this would probably count as my last wish, right?

Cremate me. Scatter my ashes somewhere pretty. And let the sound of my voice and my laugh, let them be part of your last memory of me.

posted by dave at 4:10 PM in category general

Okay, I have a confession to make.

I have a difficult time picturing how big 4,000 acres is. But they keep talking on the radio about this fire somewhere. They keep saying that it's 4,000 acres big but I can't picture what that really means.

I mean, I know what one acre is. It's the size of half my yard - the part without the trees. Then, if I take all of my property, that's two acres.

But 4,000 acres?

Who talks like that?

Besides farmers?

A quick trip to the Internet tells me that 4,000 acres is 6.25 square miles. That's a little easier for me to understand.

Some quick mental calculation tells me that 6.25 square miles is the equivalent of a square that's 2.5 miles on each side.

Now that I can definitely understand. And I would venture to guess that most people could understand those terms a lot more easily than 4,000 acres.

Except for farmers I guess.

So why do they keep referring to the size of this fire in acres?

I think it's because it sounds more impressive to say 4,000 than to say 6.25.

But, if that's the reason, then why don't they just say that the thing is 174,240,000 square feet, or 25,090,560,000 square inches in size?

Either of those would be much more impressive and scary-sounding than a measly 4,000 acres.

Come to think of it, why don't men measure their penises in millimeters for the same reason?

Wednesday, May 9, 2007
posted by dave at 1:00 AM in category general

1. Do you outline?
If I feel like I'm in a hurry, then I'll outline an entry with vague plans to flesh it out later. Sometimes I even bother to follow through with that plan.

2. Do you write straight through, or do you sometimes tackle the scenes out of order?
I usually just write whatever my hands and fingers feel like writing. I don't think about the ordering of things, but I think they're usually self-enforcing.

3. Do you prefer writing with a pen or using a computer?
I like the idea of writing with a pen into a notebook, but it usually doesn't happen that way.

4.Do you prefer writing in first person or third?
I usually write in first-person mode. But some of my favorite stuff has been written in third-person.

5. Do you listen to music while you write?
I rarely listen to music except when I'm shooting pool.

6. How do you come up with the perfect names for your characters?
Perfection is a goal I rarely achieve. If I assign a nickname and I can remember it later, then that's good enough for me.

7. When you're writing, do you ever imagine your story as a television show or movie?
Nope. I've had dreams that would make good movies, though.

8. Have you ever had a character insist on doing something you really didn't want him/her to do?
Oh, wait. This is a question for real writers, isn't it? I'm going to answer not applicable.

9. Do you know how a book is going to end when you start it?
Not applicable.

10. Where do you write?
In my office usually, and also wherever I happen to be when I have my notebook handy.

11. What do you do when you get writer's block?
I drink beer. Lots and lots of beer.

12. What size increments do you write in?
What the fuck does that mean? I write whatever's in my head.

13. How many different drafts did you write for your last project?
Everything is a draft. Nothing is ever good enough.

14. Have you ever changed a character's name midway through a draft?
Yes, I changed one to YourMama when I realized that she was a whore. What a stupid question.

15. Do you let anyone read your story while you're working on it, or do you wait until you've completed a draft before letting someone else see it?
I usually finish whatever I'm writing in one sitting, so not applicable.

16. What do you do to celebrate when you finish a draft?
Masturbate furiously.

17. One project at a time, or multiple projects at once?
This talk about "projects" seems way too serious for the mental vomiting that I do.

18. Do your stories grow or shrink in revision?
I am the king of rambling, so I'd say that stories grow as they're being written.

19. Do you have any writing or critique partners?
Yeah, right. Like I'd deem anyone worthy.

20. Do you prefer drafting or revising?
I guess revising. I prefer to spew out words, then fix them later.

Monday, May 7, 2007
posted by dave at 6:01 AM in category general

Okay, for the sake of simplicity, let's say I'm normal on this imaginary scale I just thought up.

In fact, let's stipulate that everybody is usually normal.

It's not a looks scale. It's not a personality scale either, though that's a little bit closer. Maybe it's more of a pleasantness, or a niceness scale.

What it is, is a self-scale.

Clear as mud, right?

Let me explain.

Man I've got a lot of paragraphs already.

Does it even count as a paragraph it only has a single sentence? Is a paragraph defined by content or by spacing and/or indentation?

But I wildly digress.

What I mean is, when I feel like myself, when I am behaving like myself, I'm right in the middle on my personal scale. I'm my normal self. When my energy level is low, such as when I'm more sad or tired than normal, my position on my scale worsens. I become less likable, less friendly. When my energy level is higher, like when I'm excited or happy about something (hey, it can happen) then my position on my scale is higher.

Remember, the stipulation that everybody is normal on their own scale. This means that Richard Simmons is normal. A high-school cheerleader is normal. That Virginia Tech fucker was normal, assuming that he was always sad or moody or homicidal or whatever. Hitler was normal. He was an asshole but when he was being his asshole self, then he was also being his normal self.

There is a point to this, really. I'm not just typing to kill time. Well, maybe that's part of the reason, but it's not the only one.

I almost digressed again. Whew!

I don't know if it's really relevant, but any changes to your position must be, by definition, temporary changes. Because if whatever mood swing that's going on lasts too long, then that becomes the new you, and you become normal again. The scale just gets recalibrated. Like, I'm a lot more sad now than I was five years ago. But I was my normal self then, and I'm my normal self now. It's just that normal has changed for me. Does that make sense? I hope so.

We can also affect others, and they can affect us.

And this is the part where I finally get to the fucking point.

Couples can be similarly rated. Ditto for friends and coworkers and siblings and whatever else might bring two or more people together.

Take your average man and wife. He's normal, and so is she. But when they're together, what happens? Do they act differently than they normally would. Does he shut up so she can dominate the conversion? Does she get angry at the way he talks to other women?

What are they like as a couple? Better or worse or the same?

Do they boost each other up, so that their sum is greater than its parts? Or do they drag each other down? Do people really enjoy time with one, or with the other, but never with both at the same time?

When I was with MixedSignalGirl, we boosted each other up pretty well. Most of the time. People generally liked spending time with us. Most of the time. WeirdGirl also seems to be immune to my powers, so the two us together are probably more fun when we're together than when we're separate.

I know a few couples who don't seem to change at all. My sister Neisha and her husband Chris. My friend Eric and his wife Teri. They are exactly the same whether they're together or apart. This, to me, would seem to be the goal of all this.

I also know a few who, like the married couple in the example above, are real downers for each other. Spending time with one of them is great. Spending time with the other one is great too. But put them together and suddenly everyone starts making excuses to get away from them. Or trying to kill themselves because it's just too fucking depressing being around them.

They drag each other down, and then a sort of a singularity forms, and they start affecting everyone around them. And once that happens, the only hope is that some super-positive couple like TeamHotness shows up and reestablishes the balance in the universe.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007
posted by dave at 1:15 AM in category general

So I've been having lunch with NotHideousGirl a lot lately. Three or four times a week, I'll go to The Pub and she'll come and join me. It's almost never planned more than 10 minutes ahead of time. It's always perfectly innocent and platonic.

But people wonder, and then people assume.

WeirdGirl, for example, became convinced that I'd ended things with her because I was seeing NotHideousGirl. I'm pretty sure that I've managed to convince her of the truth.

One bartender, a couple of weeks ago, said to me in an awed whisper, "Dude, you're girlfriend is smoking hot!"

The correct response, of course, would have been, "She's not my girlfriend," or something like that. But that's not what I said. What I said was, "Yes, she certainly is."

See, I like the idea of random strangers thinking that I have a smoking hot girlfriend. That I'm capable of having any girlfriend at all. It's social validation of a sort. Deceptive, certainly, but there have been far worse deceptions over the years.

This deception was harmless. And kinda fun.

But it ran its course fairly quickly. The simple fact that NotHideousGirl and I don't act like girlfriend and boyfriend - there's been very little public slaking between us - that simple fact stopped a lot of the assumptions. Okay, fine, there's been no slaking. Add to that the fact that most people are not blind, and that NotHideousGirl especially is clearly not blind, even more doubters are born.

So most people, by now, are no longer wondering about the two of us. Most people now know the truth. That we are just friends.

Most people, but not all. There are still some people who think we're together together.

So NotHideousGirl and I have briefly discussed ways to convince these stragglers that we're not a couple. Convincing them that we were never a couple, that's probably too much to ask for when it comes to these stubborn people.

But a break-up, a break-up we could do.

And it could be awesome.

So we talked about staging a big break-up fight. Right there at The Pub in the middle of lunch hour, where everybody could see. And everybody could make judgments, and place bets, and gossip among themselves.

"I knew they wouldn't last. She's way out of his league."

"Look at him! He's old enough to be her father!"

"It's about time. I mean, he says he likes nerdy girls, but that's just ridiculous."

But this couldn't be just any old fight. Nope, it had to be one where we each maintained some dignity, and ideally, where we each garnered some favorable attention. And maybe even some pity sex. And, and this is the most important thing - it would have to be the kind of fight which would allow us to remain friends even after the "relationship" was over.

I've been thinking about this proposed break-up fight tonight. Trying to come up with the best scenario. Here are some of my ideas.

I'm an asshole and/or she's a bitch
Way too obvious, and way too predictable. All break-up fights eventually come down to one or both of these accusations. We'd need something more memorable than this, plus it could end up being self-fulfilling if either of us plays our roles too expertly.

She won't let me buy her extravagant gifts
I like this one. It's nice and subtle. It says that I have money, which is always a good thing. And it also says that NotHideousGirl isn't the type of girl who'd be expecting gifts all the time. It shows my generosity. And it also shows that NotHideousGirl cares about more than material things.

I'm too much man for her, if you know what I mean
This, on paper anyway, should be my favorite. The problem, however, with this argument, is that it's a lie just waiting to be revealed. And, if it were to be revealed, it would happen at the worst possible time.

She's insatiable, but there should be more than just raw animal sex between us
I like this one too. I mean, every guy dreams of dating a nympho, right? So that would get NotHideousGirl lots of points. And this argument would also show that I am not a typical man. That I am concerned with more than just sex. That I'm all sensitive and shit.

I don't know if we're ever going to do this, this break-up fight. I think it could be fun, but I also doubt that I could keep a straight face.

So I imagine that we'll just have to keep whittling away at those doubting romanticists. Keep telling them the boring truth, and hope that it eventually sinks in.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007
posted by dave at 10:41 PM in category daily, general

A couple of days ago I read on The Dilbert Blog that Scott Adams used the Google Alerts service to keep tabs on what people are writing about him.

I'm familiar with the service. I use it myself. Basically, you tell Google what text to watch for, then when the service finds that text, it emails you with a link.

I use it to looks for my own name, my domain name, and the names of some people who are important to me. Scott Adams uses it to look for the words "Scott Adams Dilbert."

The cool thing is, that by typing that last sentence, I've triggered an email to be sent to Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert. Rich and famous Scott Adams.

That's the cool thing. The fucking cool thing is that, as Scott admits in his own blog, he carries his Blackberry in his pocket.

So, by typing that sentence up there a couple of paragraphs ago, there's a good chance that I've startled Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, and caused him to derail from whatever train of thought he might have been on.

Maybe he was thinking up his next comic. Maybe I messed that up. Maybe, because of me, it won't be nearly as funny as it would have been.

Or maybe, maybe I jolted him from an idea that was sort of funny to one that's absolutely fucking hilarious.

Maybe he'll be so grateful that he'll start paying me to derail his thought train every now and then.

So what if that lottery thing hasn't worked out? I've got a new retirement plan now.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007
posted by dave at 12:19 AM in category general

Today HatGirl told me that I was craftily romantic.

When I got home, I went to dictionary.com to see if craftily was a real word. Indeed it is. So everyone please note the big brain on HatGirl. Beauty and brains. No wonder I like her.

Anyway, I became a little concerned when I read the first definition given for crafty:

skillful in underhand or evil schemes; cunning; deceitful; sly.
Doesn't seem like a ringing endorsement, does it?

But, since my brain absolutely refused to ingest any thought that might indicate disapproval by HatGirl, I decided to take it as a compliment. I'm pretty sure that's what was intended anyway. Kinda sorta.

Come to think of it, I probably should have tried harder to be insulted. I need some more drama in my life.

But I didn't.

Instead, I decided to write this boring no-drama-having entry about being romantic.

When I was young, I used to bring my ex-wife roses. All the fucking time. Every Tuesday. Every Thursday. The 18th of every month. The 5th of every month. Sometimes just for the fuck of it. I thought, back then, that I was being romantic. But I wasn't. What I was being was needy and clingy. Though I didn't know it at the time, I was trying to save a doomed relationship.

The context of my attempted romanticism prevented it from being real at all.

Now that I'm a lot older and a little wiser, I think that romance should be spontaneous. It should never be needed. It should never be in response to anything. It should just happen. A tiny unexpected gesture that comes out of the blue and, for a few seconds or minutes or hours, completely disarms the girl.

Almost a year ago I wrote about a time I did something romantic. I think that was when I really started to recognize the power of romance. I began to watch for opportunities.

Opportunities for spontaneity. There's an oxymoron if I ever saw one. But that's what they were.

That thing with the card, that was a pretty grand gesture. It shouldn't have worked. It should have scared her off, once the initial shock had dissipated. And I suppose that it did, a little. It was weeks before I heard from that girl again.

It was too much, too soon. I had nothing to back it up. Nothing to top it.

I've gotten a lot better over the years. When I want to, I can sweep a girl off her feet. That's not me being cocky or egotistical. It's just me being honest. The hard part for me is wanting to do it. So few girls seem worth the effort.

Shit, I even did something romantic for LaptopGirl once. It was, of course, ignored. Because it was too late. It wasn't spontaneous. It was an attempt to fix something. It was needy and clingy.

But my shining moments, my shining moments were all with MixedSignalGirl. We've talked about it a lot. She really brought out the romantic in me. She was always surprised, every single time. And she'd smile and the room would light up. She told me that she'd go for days and it would seem that her feet would never touch the ground.

But, in the end, it wasn't enough. That cake was almost all frosting. For both of us.

Fuck. Now I'm in a bad mood. I think I'll stop writing now.

I forget where I was going with this entry anyway.

Probably somewhere stupid.

Saturday, January 27, 2007
posted by dave at 11:08 AM in category general

I got my first-ever anonymous gift from a reader a couple of weeks ago. At least I assume it was from a reader. There was no note with the gift. No email has arrived to explain anything. Just a box from amazon.com, with a copy of The Game inside.

Weird, huh?

The book somehow manages to be both intriguing and repulsive. It's certainly interesting. It's kind of inspired me, actually. Not to be one of those guys or act like one of those guys. Instead it's inspired me to simply open up a little. Be more friendly to people around me. Not be such a grouch all the time.

So I've been doing that, and I've been in a much better mood lately. I'm no longer pretending to be a normal and friendly person, I'm actively working on becoming a normal and friendly person. It's tough at times, talking to people that I don't know. Especially when they're idiots. But it's kinda fun, too.

I've also noticed that my urge to write here has suffered. Perhaps I'm only allowed one outlet for expression at a time. Perhaps this is merely a lull. Perhaps it's growing pains.

Thursday, January 4, 2007
posted by dave at 11:13 PM in category general

So a while back, I had my tongue in this girl's mouth. I had my tongue in her mouth, and I was struck by the realization that I was wasting my time.

I wasn't thinking that it was fun, that she smelled good, or that she was hot, or that it was a pretty good ego-boost for me at a time when I really needed it.

Nope, I was thinking that it was a waste of time.

Of course, that didn't stop me from slaking the shit out of that girl. I am a single straight guy after all.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I saw the girl again. I was eating lunch. She was working. She came up to me and, after the required Hi and How are you doing?, asked, "I'm embarrassed to have to ask, but what was your name again?"

Ouch.

Like I said, a waste of time.

For her too, apparently.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007
posted by dave at 11:14 PM in category general

Women are strange.

Saturday, December 23, 2006
posted by dave at 9:52 AM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Twelve adorable little hats,

Eleven DaveFest t-shirts,

Ten doses of Paxil,

Nine orthodontist appointments,

Eight ponytail holder thingies,

Seven trips to Vegas,

Six pints of Tremens,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

---

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HATGIRL!

YAY!

Friday, December 22, 2006
posted by dave at 11:02 AM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Eleven DaveFest t-shirts,

Ten doses of Paxil,

Nine orthodontist appointments,

Eight ponytail holder thingies,

Seven trips to Vegas,

Six pints of Tremens,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Thursday, December 21, 2006
posted by dave at 4:46 PM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Ten doses of Paxil,

Nine orthodontist appointments,

Eight ponytail holder thingies,

Seven trips to Vegas,

Six pints of Tremens,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

posted by dave at 11:58 AM in category general

Something's been bothering me all day.

Not, as some people might suspect, not the fact that HatGirl called me "Dan" last night. That was surprising, but only until I realized that she'd had a whole inch and a half of beer. I actually consider myself lucky that she got the first two letters right. And that she didn't vomit on me.

What's bothering me is something that I can't really write about, except in a vague and generic and rhetorical sense.

Did you ever do something incredibly stupid? Maybe even something that seemed, deep down in your gut, like a bad idea, but you did it anyway? Something where, if you'd thought to actually ask, everyone you know would have told you how stupid you were about to be? But you didn't bother to ask, because you were being so stupid that you thought you already knew all the answers?

And then, days or weeks or months later, then did reality come crashing down upon you, making you realize how stupid you'd been? And did you then wonder why nobody had told you, before it was too late, how stupid you were about to be?

Did you ever wish that people would have just spoken up, that they wouldn't have waited for you to ask? That they'd locked you into a barrel and fed you through the bunghole until you came to your fucking senses?

Well I've done every one of those things. More than once. But right now I find myself on the other side.

That's what's bothering me. I want to help someone, convince someone to not do something stupid, but I haven't been asked for advice, and it's really none of my business anyway.

I kinda wish I had a barrel handy tough. Just in case.

posted by dave at 7:40 AM in category general

This DM1 dude tagged me to list some crap. I just copied these from my about me page.

1. I have this rock. I talk to my rock and take it everywhere. Did I mention that it's a rock?

2. I'll make up new, cat-themed lyrics to songs and sing them to my cats. I make Buddy dance with me while I do this.

3. I've developed the habit of smelling my beer before each sip, to enhance the tasting experience, and now that habit has spread to everything I drink. Doesn't matter if it's water or Diet Vanilla Coke or orange juice or whatever - I'm smelling it before each sip.

4. I brush my teeth, then rinse with this supposedly "cool mint" mouthwash that burns my mouth so much that I brush my teeth again right away to neutralize the mouthwash.

5. When I'm on the phone at home I can't just sit and talk. I have to either walk around or shoot pool or straighten things up - anything but just sit and talk.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006
posted by dave at 6:34 AM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Nine orthodontist appointments,

Eight ponytail holder thingies,

Seven trips to Vegas,

Six pints of Tremens,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

posted by dave at 6:32 AM in category daily, general

Just two more days of work, then a five-day weekend! Then two days of work next week, followed by a four-day weekend!

Yay and yay!

But wait! I'm on-call next week.

Boo!

---

Looks like my little diatribe about HatGirl's birthday did some good. People have recognized her spectacularity and have agreed to attend her party. HatGirl at first wanted me to bring cut up tomatoes, but I told her that's way outside my culinary abilities. Now I'm bringing taco shells and shredded cheese. Those things I can handle.

---

I get irritated when people jump right out of one relationship and into another. This is probably just a jealousy thing.

---

I slept for ten hours last night. I needed it.

---

There was a brief period when I thought that there was an actual chance that I might have a girlfriend this holiday season. I think that would have been nice. Especially on New Year's Eve.

---

This dude at work was on the phone yesterday morning. He hung up the phone and announced that he had to go to Mexico. We all thought he was kidding. Then the guy flew to Mexico, and so now we're not so sure.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006
posted by dave at 12:22 AM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Eight ponytail holder thingies,

Seven trips to Vegas,

Six pints of Tremens,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Monday, December 18, 2006
posted by dave at 7:37 AM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Seven trips to Vegas,

Six pints of Tremens,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Sunday, December 17, 2006
posted by dave at 12:47 AM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Six pints of Tremens,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Saturday, December 16, 2006
posted by dave at 11:44 AM in category general

...one to go.

This one will be the real test.

Friday, December 15, 2006
posted by dave at 11:57 PM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

*** Five pairs of jeans with sexy yet still modest holes in them ***

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Thursday, December 14, 2006
posted by dave at 11:46 PM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Four sleepless nights,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006
posted by dave at 9:45 PM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Three designated drivers,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
posted by dave at 9:43 PM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

Two cute pairs of glasses,

And a yummy pint of Guinness.

Monday, December 11, 2006
posted by dave at 9:42 PM in category general

...my true love gave to me,

A yummy pint of Guinness.

posted by dave at 5:56 PM in category general

...two to go.

I'm not holding my breath though. If I did things like that I'd have been dead for a long time.

Monday, December 4, 2006
posted by dave at 5:50 PM in category general

I'm wondering, did she simply use me for my knowledge of beer and its various glassware?

And, after having gleaned that information, could she then find no other use for me?

Well I suppose that's okay.

It's not like I didn't get anything from the experience.

I checked her ass out every chance I got.

Nice.

Sunday, December 3, 2006
posted by dave at 11:57 PM in category general

Damn.

I had a thought.

Not more than five minutes ago, I had an actual thought.

But that train was derailed. Derailed by my cat Nugget deciding that now would be a good time to jump into my lap and finally welcome me home from Las Vegas.

Oh, what a good kitty Nugget is! Now go away.

Now to get that train back on the track.

I have no idea what I was thinking.

I bet it was about some girl though.

posted by dave at 9:07 PM in category general

Because I never know when Evangeline Lilly is going to approach me and challenge me to a tongue-wresting match, I've been carrying these little Listerine thingies around with me all the time.

They look like thin sheets of plastic, and they dissolve almost instantly in my mouth. You've probably seen them.

Anyway, sliding one of the thingies out if its container and putting it on my tongue takes about two seconds, and makes my breath minty-fresh.

But when five or six of the things stick together, and I don't realize it until it's too late, they set my entire mouth on fire and make me for several painful moments regret that whole being born choice that I made many years ago.

I didn't say that this would be an interesting entry.

Monday, November 27, 2006
posted by dave at 11:54 PM in category general, travel

...because I'm finding it difficult to stretch anything out beyond a few sentences.

I think that an implied lie might be even worse than an explicit one. Why would I think such a thing? Well, because an implied lie reveals not only the foolishness of the recipient, but also the cowardice of the liar.

---

I bought a new jacket on Friday, and this morning the snap thingy on the sleeve broke. So my luck may be turning. Yesterday was nice though.

---

When I leave the quiet and solitude of my room, and ride the elevator down, and walk out onto the casino floor, I always smile. It's like I forget where I am, and the lights and the music jolt me back to reality. I love it here.

---

It sucks to not have a camera phone anymore. I did bring my good camera with me, but I don't feel like lugging it around 24/7.

---

It would be cool to bring NotHideousGirl to Las Vegas. We could find an open-mike night somewhere, and she could sing and be discovered and become famous and shit. All thanks to me.

Friday, November 24, 2006
posted by dave at 11:52 PM in category general

...yes, I'm fucking pissed.

Mostly about how I react to certain stimuli. Or the lack of certain stimuli.

But only mostly.

posted by dave at 11:35 PM in category general

Fucking look them up yourself:

cour-te-sy
po-lite-ness
de-cen-cy

It would have taken ten fucking seconds out of your life to lift my mood.

Apparently, that was too much to hope for.

I'm out now. Don't even fucking bother.

posted by dave at 1:04 AM in category drink, general

Every place was closed tonight. At least every place I felt like going to was closed. So I just came home and opened a bottle of Bluegrass Mephistopheles Metamorphosis. This bottle is completely flat too.

---

I think every risk should have an associated reward. You have to weigh them against each other. If the risk is too great, or if the reward is too small, then you pass on the whole thing. This is just common sense. And then there are times when there's no real risk, and there's no detectable reward. Then it just becomes a fucking waste of time.

---

Happy Birthday to LaptopGirl. There, I fucking said it. Fuck off if you don't like it.

---

I have some relatives who seem to be pissed at me for some unknown and probably stupid reason. I feel like I should give a shit, but I don't.

---

I think that the perfect scenario would be for me to somehow win a gazillion dollars in Las Vegas and then never come back here except to retrieve my pool cue and my cats.

---

I didn't ask for this bullshit. I don't think I deserve it either.

---

Maybe I should get me one of those voice recorder dealies. I have these stupid random thoughts all day long. I could record them and post them in my blog to show the world how boring I am.

For anyone trying to figure out what I want for Christmas, that was a hint.

---

There was one path to forgiveness but she didn't take it. Her loss. I really shouldn't care, but I'm not getting any younger I suppose, so I do care.

---

I'd decided that I would politely decline the invitation. Now, now I've decided otherwise. Bring it on. I'm looking forward to it.

---

Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Am I being set up? Am I being placed into the batting order? Am I being benched? I think I've done everything I can do to get put into the game. Yes or no, please. No more fucking maybe.

---

Tonight I might get to see HatGirl and NotHideousGirl. Either would be cool. Both would be fucking awesome. So I probably won't see either one them.

---

I keep writing about the same subject and then deleting it. It's over, and every time I write about it, it gets more stupid and pointless.

---

This beer is fucking with my head.

---

There was a girl at Rich O's last night that looked like puppyshark. She was hot.

---

I miss SassyGirl.

---

I am so excited for my friend RockGirl. This thing she's going through is similar to what I went through at this time last year. It was the beginning of the end of the pain. I'm so excited for her.

---

I need to make it to Memphis one of these weekends to see harpo play a gig.

I wish I had musical talent.

---

I wish I had more turkey to eat right now. All I've got is some Nacho Cheese Doritos. Not quite the same thing.

Thursday, November 23, 2006
posted by dave at 9:23 PM in category general

I think I've figured something out. I think I know who started this. Whatever this is.

---

My turkey nap lasted a lot longer than I'd intended. I'm still going out though, as soon as my shirt dewrinkles. I don't know where I'm going. I don't even know if there are any places open.

---

So there are three people who pretty much know everything. Two of those people give me completely wrong advice. What's funny is that each gives different advice. But they're both quite wrong. The answer doesn't lie in either of those directions, because there is no answer.

The third person understands that.

---

I got to talk to BadPickleGirl this morning. It was, once again, a very pleasant surprise. Bordering on astonishment actually. There, she's said that she wanted more mention here.

---

Tomorrow I get to go shopping. Not because of the whole post-Thanksgiving shopping mania. Just because I need some shit. Like a new suitcase, and maybe some jeans. Most of my old jeans are mysteriously shrinking. So I need to buy some new shit before I leave Sunday morning.

---

Vegas, baby! Woo hoo!

---

One of my friends doesn't seem to be my friend anymore. That's a shame to me. Would have been nice to at least have had a chance to say goodbye.

---

They were going to fry a turkey today, but the fryer started spewing hot oil out through some holes, and we were afraid that we'd ended up burning the house down. Luckily, my sister had a spare Turkey roasting in the oven.

---

I'm outta here.

Sunday, November 12, 2006
posted by dave at 11:53 PM in category drink, general, pictures

Tonight, for a change of pace, I had a beer. This was the fourth bottle that I took to BadPickleGirl's house on Friday. We didn't get to it then, so I got to it tonight.

Bluegrass Mephistopheles Metamorphosis (25)

(bottle) No foam at all. I mean none. I've seen tap water with a bigger head. Other than that, poured a slightly hazy orange. Taste was, as expected, fairly flat and generic. Yeasty and bland in flavor, this beer did grow on me as time went by. I'd love to try this in draft form someday. Maybe there'll be some fizz then.
Meanwhile, I sit here with three ideas for blog entries. All of them good ideas, but none of them exciting enough that I'm going to start typing them up now.

I think, instead of trying to tackle any of my new entry ideas, I think I'll just quote from my friend NotHideousGirl's blog:

Dave Siltz is the weirdest normal person I know, and I love him for it.
So, isn't that just the sweetest thing?

In response to that, I'll say this:

Kat is the most beautiful girl I know, who doesn't act like she's beautiful, and I love her for it.
Also, today I didn't talk to BadPickleGirl at all, and that bothered me a little. Uh oh.

Finally, my sister Neisha accused me the other day of killing and eating my cat Nugget, since she hasn't seen him in years and years. As proof that Nugget still lives, I present this picture (taken tonight) of him in all his fatness, along with the scratching post that he's slowly but surely shredding to bits:

hail his fatness

posted by dave at 12:46 AM in category general

a-dore (e-dor)
verb
1. To worship as God or a god.
2. To regard with deep, often rapturous love.
3. To like very much.

I think that number three is the correct definition here. Neither of the other two are correct. To tell the truth, number three doesn't seem quite right either . It seems too perfunctory. Too abrupt.

If I were to say that I adore HatGirl, and you were to translate that to mean that I like HatGirl very much, well it just wouldn't be quite be right.

I mean, I like the curry fries that the pub sells very much. I like banana milkshakes from Polly's Freeze very much. I like the way my cats purr when I pet them very much.

But, do I adore any of those things?

Nope.

But I do adore HatGirl.

Let me be clear - this is not based on any physical attraction. It is not a crush thing. It has, believe it or not, nothing at all to do with how pretty she is. I cannot stress that enough.

It's much more than that, and much less than that.

Let's try another definition.

a-dor-a-ble (e-dor-e-bul)
adjective
1. Delightful, lovable, and charming.
2. Worthy of adoration.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

HatGirl is, quite simply, adorable.

And I hope that she reads this. And I hope that it makes her feel a little bit better.

Tuesday, November 7, 2006
posted by dave at 3:58 PM in category general

Are you like me? Do you sit around on election day, wishing that you could be a part of the Democratic process, but woefully ignorant about the candidates and their stands on the various issues?

I'm like that every November and every May. But it doesn't stop me from voting. I have a system, see. And I'll reveal it here for the first time.

Just think of some asshole you know. Everybody knows at least one, right? Every family has at least one. Every group of friends has at least one. And most workgroups have dozens.

Now, think about who your favorite asshole would vote for. I've found that it's usually pretty easy. Maybe they've bombarded you with their political views for as long as you've known them. That's how I picked my asshole.

Ewww, that sounded gross.

That's how I chose my asshole.

Okay, that's better.

Then today, all I had to do was go vote the exact opposite of everything my asshole would vote for.

I cancelled out the fucker's votes.

And, to me, the fact that I totally negated that asshole's participation - well it's just fucking hilarious to me. I mean, he lives and breathes politics, and all I do is drink beer and shoot pool. But I, with 30 minutes of effort - including drive and standing in line time - was able to pretty much wipe out his reason for existing in the first place.

So, don't waste another election day. Do something useful. Make a difference. Find yourself an asshole and render him irrelevant.

If you don't know any assholes, I've got news for you. You're probably the asshole.

Sunday, November 5, 2006
posted by dave at 1:02 AM in category general

Bands that I never heard of that had a free concert in Louisville tonight
Blue October

People that I don't like
That one bitch that called MixedSignalGirl a cow and tonight poured me the wrong beer or maybe she poured the right beer but she peed in it

People that are nice
That chick from Evansville that I talked to tonight

People that confuse me
All those Irish guys that drank nothing but Bud Light all night and one of them stole my glasses for a while

People that do not freak out
HatGirl

People that freak out
Every other woman on Earth besides HatGirl

Food that is good
The Curry Fries that The Pub sells

Girls with horrible taste in ex-husbands
That one chick that was married to my cousin once

Cute girls
That blonde bartender at Rich O's

Girls with cool hair
That one bartender at Hard Rock in Louisville

None of these lists are meant to be all-inclusive.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006
posted by dave at 7:13 AM in category general

Apparently, anyway.

Part of the problem is that the things that are funniest to me, they're funny only from my perspective.

For example, probably the most hilarious thing ever in this journal was something that I didn't write, back in early August. See, it was the omission that was funny. Like if I won the lottery or something, and then decided to never mention it. Not out of privacy concerns, but just because to neglect mention of such a life-changing event is, well like I said, funny to me.

Then I had to go and ruin the joke, a couple of weeks ago, by rambling on and on about that same topic which I'd so carefully avoided for over two months.

Oh well.

Another problem is that, when I try to write something funny, it never works out for me in the long run. I mean, I can go back and read the entries that were supposed to be funny, and I barely crack a smile most of the time. So attempting to write anything funny is never self-reinforcing.

But some of the stuff I write is, apparently, funny to other people. I get compliments on some stuff. I get told how I made someone's day. Shit like that. I usually just say thanks and dismiss those people as humor-impaired because the stuff they're chuckling over or maybe even wetting their pants over just isn't that funny. And it never was, except when it was still being brewed inside in my head.

I was going somewhere with this entry. I have no idea where.

Thursday, October 26, 2006
posted by dave at 7:43 AM in category general

Yesterday I was poking around The Dilbert Blog, which might be more accurately called The Scott Adams Blog but then it might only get a zillionth of the traffic it gets.

Seriously, this guy could trip over his cat, fall on his keyboard, and the resulting post would net ten thousand hits and one thousand comments.

Anyway, I really like it. Scott Adams writes the way I wish I wrote. He writes the way things sound in my head.

So I was reading an old entry about affirmations, which is this deal where you write down something that you want to accomplish and it comes true. Specifically, you write down your goal fifteen times a day for at least six months. And then it comes true.

You write, for example, I will cure cancer. You write that fifteen times a day for six months, and then you cure cancer.

Sounds pretty fishy, right?

Shouldn't that be Smells pretty fishy? I don't know. Or care.

I decided to give these affirmations thingies a try. What's the worst that could happen? That they wouldn't work. That I wouldn't achieve whichever goal I was trying to achieve.

Well, whichever goal I chose would be one that I wasn't achieving anyway, so there's no loss. Try to keep up please.

The decision to do the affirmations having been made, I had one final choice.

Which goal should I pick?

The cure cancer one is too obvious. I bet a lot of people are already doing that one. I'd hate to waste my affirmations on something only to find out that some prick had already achieved my goal.

In fact, I figured that most of the selfless goals like the cancer one and world peace were already taken. So I needed to find something more personal.

I toyed briefly with improbable goals like I will find a gazillion dollars, and seemingly impossible goals like I will understand women, and countless others, but none really jumped out to me as the goal which would be worth the effort of writing it down fifteen times a day for six months.

I was getting frustrated with myself, and I went to the kitchen to refill my soda.

And I tripped over my dick.

Again.

After that, I realized that the choice was easy.

So I grabbed my pen, and I opened my new affirmations-only notebook to the first page, and I wrote.

I will stop tripping over my dick.

I wrote that fifteen times.

I even wrote the date at the top of the page, though I don't think that's an official part of the affirmations rule. I just thought it made the whole thing look more official.

If this works for me, then I'll finally be rid of a curse that's plagued me since puberty.

I'll keep you posted.

posted by dave at 12:25 AM in category general

I've got nothing to say tonight.

I'm all tapped out from another project.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write something brilliant.

Everybody can start holding their breath now.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006
posted by dave at 6:36 AM in category general

I think what would be a good thing to do, if you were a car thief, would be if you always replaced the car you stole with a little Matchbox version of the same car.

People would be like Woah, somebody stole my car! And then they'd see the Matchbox car and be like Wait, it's not stolen, it's just been turned into a Matchbox!

And they'd never report it to the police because who'd believe that their car had been turned into a Matchbox?

posted by dave at 1:30 AM in category general

Somebody told me today that I shouldn't censor myself here. This was well-intentioned advice from a person who, I'm assuming, doesn't have a blog out here for the world to see. A person who, I'm assuming, doesn't have to live with the fact that they're basically standing in a fishbowl with their pants around their ankles while friends and enemies and strangers all point and make judgments and assumptions.

As I said, well-intentioned advice. Just not particularly doable. Or not not doable, since I'm talking about not doing something. Wait, that makes no sense either. Where's a good grammar coach when I need one?

There are many reasons why I feel the need to censor myself here. All of those reasons have at their root, at their very beginnings, the same mistakes. I made mistakes here when I first started doing this. I made this my blog. I used my real name. I let people know about it.

And now they read the fucking thing. What could I have been thinking?

Joe Blow and Jane Doe in, say, San Diego don't know or care about the people behind the nicknames I use here. MixedSignalGirl is a love interest in a story to them. LaptopGirl is another, more mysterious, character. WomanRepellant is, to most of my readers, no different than Norm on Cheers. SassyGirl was a minor character who's contract ended and wasn't renewed. I could go on and on.

To Joe Blow and Jane Doe, none of those people are real at all. Hell, I'm barely real to them. I'm just the protagonist in this rambling story.

But guess what. All of those people are real. To me, and to themselves. Sometimes to each other.

And so I censor myself. Because some of the people reading are, get this - the same people I'm writing about.

The person who advised me to not censor myself?

BadPickleGirl.

There, see? I've already said too much. People will read that and know that I talked to her today. What if that gets her into trouble? It's none of the world's business that I talked to her today, but there it is anyway.

It's also none of the world's business that I kinda like BadPickleGirl but, now that information is available for everyone to read and know.

For her to read and know.

Oops.

I censor myself because it's the right thing to do.

I should, if anything, do a better job of it.

Maybe tomorrow I'll start working on it.

Monday, October 23, 2006
posted by dave at 10:39 PM in category general

Women are strange.

They're also delightful and confusing and beautiful and aggravating and soft.

But mostly they're just strange.

posted by dave at 10:37 PM in category general

I've mentioned before how I tend to migrate from room to room at night. Master bedroom to guest bedroom to living room to master bedroom, and so on.

I'm guessing that this behavior must be related to stress.

My cats and I have several little parades a night sometimes. MixedSignalGirl used to join in the parades, but eventually she wised up and she'd run on ahead to make sure she ended up with "her" side of the bed. Then she wised up even more and she just stayed where she was because, chances were, we'd all be back before the night was over anyway. Now she's wised up completely and wants nothing to do with me.

Anyway, I guess that last night I screwed something up. I remember going to bed in the guest room, and I remember waking up on the sofa in the living room. But I also remember waking up sometime during the night in my master bedroom sleeping on a pile of clean laundry.

That's what did it, I'm sure.

I fubared my back.

I suspect that the advanced yoga position I must have attained to be able to sleep with the laundry and the cats did something to a nerve or something, since this morning I could barely walk.

So I shuffled in to work because I had some shit that couldn't be put off, then I took the second half of the day off. Once home, I mostly just took a very hot bath and then slept.

Now my back feels a little better. I'd like to get a heating pad for it. Or maybe I could borrow one of my grandmother's old walkers.

Sunday, October 22, 2006
posted by dave at 11:19 PM in category general

I want to say something now.

I shouldn't say anything. There are those who would say that I haven't yet earned the right to say anything.

Well, those people are wrong. Mostly wrong anyway. So I'm going to say something. But, out of respect for someone who hasn't yet earned my respect, I'm not going to say what I really want to say.

What I'm instead going to say is this:

I quit playing that particular game a long time ago. I lost every single fucking time, and I never once had fun. I have no desire to ever play that game again.

There, I feel better now. I guess.

And the really cool thing is if anyone asks me what the fuck I'm talking about, I can make up some bullshit. Or not. I guess it'll depend on how much bullshit I get thrown my way first.

Friday, October 20, 2006
posted by dave at 6:47 PM in category general, pictures

I was dicking around with this today, showing a coworker the route to the expressway, and I noticed that the resolution seemed to have improved. Intrigued, I directed the application to a little town that had always been nothing more than a blur of pixels.

Now it's much better. I guess Google Earth has updated its database with new images.

Very cool.

coolness

posted by dave at 1:00 AM in category general

Tonight I was looking for something in my old emails. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did find this:

Reminds me of this girl I dated briefly right after my divorce. She had the unfortunate name of [same as my ex-wife], and she was kind of a [use your imagination]. The latter is the reason that we broke up. Anyway, one night shortly after we broke up, I came home from pool league and [the girl] and her friend had filled my entire living room, kitchen, hallway, bathroom, and bedroom, up to a height of about four feet, with balloons.

It was really incredible. They must have started the minute I left for league and worked non-stop for several hours. I guess my roommate had let them in.

Ha, that just made me smile to think about. Maybe I should write an entry about it.

That email was written in June 2006. Weird, it really seems like it was much earlier than that.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that were I to think back I'd be very hard-pressed to ever come up with anything that anyone has ever done for me that was as nice as that. I mean, it really lifted my spirits during a time which was up to that point the saddest time in my life. And the amazing thing was that it wasn't a ploy to get me to take her back. She did it just because she wanted me to feel better. We were finished before we'd ever really started, but it was still important to her that I be happy for a while.

It worked. Even though I had to spend a couple of hours popping balloons, and even though I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner after the first one burned out from trying to deal with all the balloon fragments, it really worked.

Thinking about this tonight, I tried to recall the nicest thing I'd ever done for someone else. And not just the nicest thing, but the most selfless thing as well.

I can think of lots of little things. I am a decent person after all. But I'm having a hard time coming up with anything that's nearly as impressive as those balloons.

This one time a couple of years ago I overheard an elderly couple getting bad directions from a gas station employee. I followed them to their car and told them that I hadn't been able to help but overhear, and that I was going their way, and that they could just follow me to their Son's wedding rehearsal. I then drove 30 minutes out of my way so they could follow me. They said I was a real good Samaritan.

Right now, that's the best I can come up with.

I can do better than that. Perhaps I have done better than that, but the memory eludes me. Either way, I want to do something nice. I want to do something for someone that makes them smile when they think about it in 20 years.

Maybe nice and selfless can't be done on purpose. Maybe, by stating this goal, I turn it into a selfish one.

I dunno.

Time for bed.

Thursday, October 19, 2006
posted by dave at 6:10 AM in category general

That's what Roger, the owner of Rich O's, told me I provide with my 'blog.

Apparently, if I bitch and moan about the crowd in his place, then Roger knows that he's having a lucrative night.

And, if I'm happy about the crowd, or if I don't mention it at all, then Roger starts worrying about how he'll fund his retirement if business doesn't pick back up.

I thought it was funny. I didn't say that anyone else would.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006
ugh
posted by dave at 7:39 AM in category general

Last night, because I'd had two pints of Smithwick's after work, and because I'd then had half a pizza, and because there wasn't shit on TV that I wanted to watch, I went to bed at 8:00 and slept for 11 hours.

Now my head feels like it's full of hardening cement.

And now I get to go to a work meeting where we'll all get to find out how screwed up we are. We all had to take these personality profile tests a while back, and this is the meeting about the results.

Should be loads of fun.

Not.

But the good thing is that I'm on-call this week and my phone didn't ring once after 6:00 last night.

Monday, October 16, 2006
posted by dave at 6:05 AM in category general

One thing that was strange, apart from the utter weirdness of having her walk into the place on a night when I happened to be there, was this scene that popped into my head.

At one point during the whatever you want to call it, I realized that I was thinking about doing something. Fantasizing actually, about doing something.

To her.

Like grabbing her and kissing the hell out of her.

It wasn't because I felt particularly attracted to her. Though the passion with which she tore at my heart was certainly admirable. it wasn't enough to make me forget the facts that (a) She's married I think, (b) She's not my type anyway, and (c) It would have started the biggest shitstorm in history.

So I didn't want to do things to her because of a desire for her. It was because I knew that, with our tongues fighting for supremacy inside her mouth, she'd have to shut up for a while.

Monday, October 2, 2006
posted by dave at 7:02 PM in category general

That's the subject of some SPAM I got today.

I have no idea what my zwinky might be, and I don't think I want to know.

Sadly, that was the highlight of my day. I did manage to kill one of the servers at work. I think that it was justifiable homicide, but I have to await final judgment from the jury of my coworkers. We'll see.

Other than those two things, that's it. I think my brain is empty.

Thursday, September 28, 2006
posted by dave at 9:56 AM in category general, work

Today is moving day at work.

They're taking my entire (IT) department and moving us downtown, and today is my team's turn.

I've been looking forward to the move, for various reasons, not the least of which is that I'll be closer to MixedSignalGirl. So we could do lunch or whatever if we ever get our collective shit together.

I'm not exactly holding my breath though.

Anyway, I'm still sitting at home right now. No sense rushing in to work at the crack of 8:00 when none of my stuff has been moved to the new building yet. So I've been working on some security documentation. It's just incredibly fun stuff. Not.

Remember a while back when I wrote that my wants were wandering aimlessly because my needs had been met? The problem with that is that I knew my wants would fixate on the first thing they bumped in to. Yeah, well that's happened now. It kinda sucks, but I'm used to it.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006
posted by dave at 10:35 PM in category general

I'm not much of a poetry person, but I really love this snippet from Rupert Brooke.

When two mouths, thirsty each for each, find slaking,
I think that's what I need right now.

I need a really good slaking.

Monday, September 25, 2006
posted by dave at 7:59 AM in category general

That's the subject of some SPAM I got today.

Now I don't work in sales, but I really don't think insulting a potential customer from the get-go is the best approach.

Plus, I'm neither of those things.

Friday, September 22, 2006
posted by dave at 12:47 PM in category general

Look, I know that I look good in these jeans. I can't help it, and it's not the reason I'm wearing them.

I paid my five bucks so I could wear jeans today because it's comfortable, not so I could be ogled by every woman that sees me.

And it's not just the ogling, it's the flirting. The incessant attempts to start conversations.

Yes, I know it's raining outside.

No, your weather report will not make me love you for your firm grasp of current events.

Yes, I'm moving to the new building next Thursday.

No, I'm not taking you with me.

Yes, it's finally Friday.

Sorry, but I already have plans for the entire weekend.

You're all acting like giggling schoolgirls, and I'd like you to stop.

I have work to do.

posted by dave at 1:34 AM in category general

I'm finding myself terribly concerned about a friend of mine. Much more concerned than I should be, given the rudimentary and intangible nature of our friendship. More of an acquaintanceship, really.

But still, I am concerned. I wish there was something I could say or do. Not to make her pain go away, as that's not my place in her life, but something to let her know...

...that she's really not alone.

But there's a problem.

I'm a guy.

She's a girl.

Anything that I say or do is going to be misinterpreted. A smile will become a wink. A simple conversation will become selfish manipulation. A compassionate hug will become a passionate embrace.

So I do nothing except sit here and write this crap, and try to send calming thoughts her way.

It's certainly not enough, but anything more would be too much.

Saturday, September 16, 2006
posted by dave at 6:30 PM in category general

Today after finishing up some work crap, I slept all damn day.

I hate it when I do this. Especially on a day that, on the outside at least, is as beautiful as this one is.

To be fair, I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night. I didn't get home from SassyGirl's party until after 3:00, then I had to work at 8:00. So I was tired.

But, problem is, being tired is only half the reason I slept the day away. Maybe not even half. Maybe it's no reason at all.

Maybe it's just an excuse.

An excuse for what?

Even if I knew, I don't think I'd allow myself to say. Not to myself, and not to this journal.

Sunday, September 10, 2006
posted by dave at 1:30 AM in category general

...limiting the amount of hotness that any one girl can exude.

That is all.

Thursday, September 7, 2006
posted by dave at 12:27 AM in category general

Well this is kind of interesting, this image that's been stuck in my head since about noon EDT on Wednesday.

I am apparently much more disgusting and typical and hormonal than I thought I was.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006
posted by dave at 5:03 PM in category general

Three or four years ago I had a yellowjacket nest in my yard. I went to the hardware store and bought some foamy shit to kill them. I sprayed their hole. They died.

That's the way it's supposed to work.

This year, this year it's just a teeny bit different.

This year I had four nests. Two in my front yard and two in my back yard.

The two back yard nests seem to have been normal ones. Those bees seem to have been killed with a single application of the foamy shit.

The two front yard nests are occupied by some kind of super yellowjacket. I've sprayed each of those nest with the foamy shit four times. The dude that mows my lawn has sprayed each of these nests at least twice. We're talking an entire can with each spraying.

I guess I should say the dude that used to mow my lawn because he hasn't mowed the front yard in two months. He got sick and tired of being stung. I don't blame him a bit.

I figure that these front yard bees are shampooing with the foamy shit, or brushing their teeth with it. Do bees even have hair and/or teeth? I doubt it. But whatever, they're sure not dying from the stuff.

So today I went back to the hardware store and asked them for something would kill yellowjackets. The dweeb pointed to the cans of foamy shit. I said, "No, the bees in my yard use that stuff to clean their contacts or something. They're immune to it."

So the dweeb called the manager over, and the manager recommended some non-foamy shit that's mostly for hornets. It's supposed to knock them right out of the air. I bought six cans.

I came home and pulled my truck up to one of the nests. I got to where I could clearly see down the hole of the nest. Then I rolled down my window, took a can of the non-foamy shit, and soaked that hole. Then I took another can and soaked it again.

Next, I drove over to the second, larger, nest. This one features a hole big enough that a small child could crawl in. I thought briefly about bribing a small child to go in there with a flyswatter, but alas, I'm fresh out of disposable children.

Back to plan A. Or maybe plan B - I think the foamy shit was plan A. Plan C is sell my house.

I was able to get almost one entire can sprayed into the hole before the super yellowjackets came streaming out of it. I rolled up my window as quickly as I could and I got the fuck out of there.

I drove up and down the road to throw the bees off my trail, then I pulled into my garage.

Just before I typed this I looked out my front door at that second nest. The bees are using the non-foamy shit to fill their new swimming pool. They're having a grand time.

posted by dave at 1:35 AM in category general

Avery The Reverend: 22
Delirium Tremens: 22.4
Newcastle: 24
Me: 0

And I'm done.

Thanks to those of you who put up with me tonight.

It was fun.

Monday, September 4, 2006
posted by dave at 10:52 PM in category general

My fucking hosting company has decided that it would be funny to have my email break.

Again.

posted by dave at 10:44 PM in category general

Avery The Reverend: 22
Delirium Tremens: 11.2
Me: 0

What's wrong with you?

This does not compute.

Maybe you're gay.

I bet that's it.

I can't think of any other reason.

posted by dave at 8:54 PM in category general

So tomorrow is an anniversary of sorts.

One of the few good ones.

After tomorrow, they'll all suck until December.

Reminders of death and desertion and deception and denial are what the Fall brings to me, but tomorrow is still Summer.

A wise man once asked, What is it about anniversaries? They really, when you think about it, hold no meaning at all. Whatever they signify, it's not happening now - it happened a year ago, or ten years ago. Whatever. Why should a date on a calendar receive special merit just because something once happened on that same date in the past?

I don't know why anniversaries get special attention, but sometimes I'm glad that they do. I'm glad that she remembers what tomorrow is.

Our anniversary.

Sunday, September 3, 2006
posted by dave at 7:32 PM in category general

Next up, we have the Oscar for Best Portrayal Of A Completely Normal Person Who Was Only Feeling Those Things That He Was Allowed To Feel Under The Circumstances And Who Was Also Most Definitely Not Having A Miniature Nervous Breakdown Every Time His Eyes Met Those Of A Certain Other Person Which Was Quite Fucking Often But Not Nearly As Often As He Would Have Liked.

And the Oscar goes to...

* DRUMROLL *

Me!

Yay for me!

Saturday, September 2, 2006
posted by dave at 2:04 AM in category general

I'm a little worried about a friend of mine tonight, just from something I think I might have heard.

I hope she's okay.

Thursday, August 31, 2006
posted by dave at 5:35 PM in category general

Now I'm off for five days.

That's the good news.

The bad news?

Same thing.

When I have nothing else to do, I tend to think. And that's always a bad idea for me.

Especially because I feel like I'm close to something. I mean, I'm right on the verge of something big. Problem is, I don't know what that thing might be.

So I expect, sometime over the next five days, I expect to spend some time thinking and trying to figure out why I've felt so strange lately. And then, once I think I know what that big thing looming on my horizon is, I'll do something.

Whether I do something to prevent it, or to help it along, I can't say just yet. Not until I know what it is.

All I know for sure is that whatever I do, it will be something stupid.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006
posted by dave at 7:43 PM in category general

Yes or no? Fast or slow? Stay or go? Hide or show? Force or flow? Now or later?

I know, that breaks the pretty pattern.

So sue me.

These are some of the questions that occupy my mind these days.

There are no answers, only guesses.

And, if I get a single guess wrong, then there won't be any more questions.

Not ever.

It kinda sucks to be me, right about now.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006
posted by dave at 1:35 AM in category general

I went once.

I don't know why.

Something to do I suppose.

It's not like I really expected to meet anyone special, even though that's what the brochures kept promising.

After all, anyone smart enough to be there would have been smart enough to stay the fuck away from me.

And so it was.

There were some pretty strange people there though.

Most of them were pretentious assholes.

I guess there wasn't any room left in their heads for social niceties.

Saturday, August 26, 2006
posted by dave at 5:48 PM in category general

Stolen from ella.

no wonder i'm messed up

Friday, August 18, 2006
posted by dave at 12:07 AM in category general

...but sometimes, no matter how strange a realization it may be and no matter how stupid you may feel when you admit it to yourself, sometimes The Beatles will turn out to have been right all along.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006
posted by dave at 4:24 AM in category general

Paddle Store

Tuesday, August 15, 2006
posted by dave at 1:21 AM in category general

Stolen from gogo.

On notice

Generate your own at The Stephen Colbert "On Notice Board" generator page.

Saturday, August 12, 2006
posted by dave at 6:50 PM in category general

Actually, London is not calling, but that wouldn't nearly as clever a subject.

London is not even leaving any comments.

C'mon, London!

I don't bite.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006
posted by dave at 11:27 PM in category general

Okay, this is funny.

Not.

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

In other words: You fucking loser. Did you actually think that there might be someone out there for you? Ha! You should just give up.

posted by dave at 10:38 PM in category general

I will end this silence.

If I haven't heard from you by then, tomorrow morning I'm going to call you.

If you don't answer, I'm going to leave a voicemail asking you to call me.

If you haven't called back by the time I leave work, then I'm going to your house.

If you're not home, I'm going to wait for you for as long as it takes.

I need to tell you something.

I will end this silence.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006
posted by dave at 1:32 AM in category general

Sunday morning KittenDamsel and I had breakfast at McDonalds, then I took a very quick shower. When I got out of the shower my cat Happy had her trapped on top of my bed. He was growling and hissing, but he's too fat to get on the bed himself. It was funny. To me, anyway.

The plan was for me to take KittenDamsel to get her car from the bar, but instead we ended up dicking around my house for a while. I gave her and Happy a proper introduction. I tried to find Nugget for a similar introduction, but that didn't work. That cat is a fuck of a good hider.

So we shot some pool and I showed her some trick shots.

Then we ended up going to this Clark State Forest place. I don't know why. It wasn't my idea. That place is haunted, after all. But we had fun. It was like a million degrees outside though, so even the easy hiking trails set up for wheelchairs and such were pretty strenuous.

It was a good time. I like KittenDamsel. I don't know if it's mutual though. I think I might be more of a big brother or father figure for her. The comic a couple of entries ago illustrates why I think that.

To be honest, I've probably got enough drama in my life already. Adding to it would probably be stupid and maybe even cruel.

Anyway, after we'd hiked about a million miles, we went to Red Lobster and had an early dinner, then I finally got around to taking her back to her car. Then I came home and slept like a dead person.

Saturday, July 29, 2006
posted by dave at 11:45 PM in category general

I like that one part, that section of skin between the navel and the top of the jeans. I really like the way it seems to curve outward before turning back toward the promised land.

I think that belly-shirts and low-rider jeans just might be the greatest inventions ever.

posted by dave at 2:23 PM in category general

I took a short nap, and now I have a huge crease running across the side of my face. It's been there for an hour, and it shows no sign of fading.

So that's just great. Now I'm hideous on the outside, too.

posted by dave at 1:57 AM in category general

Wow.

I can't believe how lucky I am.

A million closed doors.

And the one I knock on, that's the one that opens.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006
posted by dave at 11:48 PM in category general, pictures

I want a mountain.

Yep, that's what I want.

Not my own personal mountain. That would be way too much responsibility. But I want to live by a mountain again.

(Image stolen from some USGS site)

Mt. Rainier

I miss Mt. Rainier. Even though I could go for months without ever seeing it, I always knew that it was there. And, on those days when it would appear, it never failed to impress and inspire me.

There are no mountains here, in Southern Indiana.

It's kind of boring.

LaptopGirl once said something to me about The Grand Canyon being this gigantic hole that would suck the creativity out of everyone around it. That got me to thinking that maybe mountains would do the opposite. Maybe mountains exude creative energy.

Somebody should look into getting us a mountain.

posted by dave at 11:12 PM in category general

I hate typos soooo much!

It's pretty ironic, then, that I'm the fucking king of typos.

Also, I hate whores.

posted by dave at 9:45 PM in category general

August 20th can not get here quickly enough for me.

I want to go right now, and I don't want to come back until it's safe.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006
posted by dave at 10:53 PM in category general

Today after work I sat at Rich O's having a couple of half-pints of NABC Jenever Rye (40). That first glass went down so well that I had a second.

Anyway, one of my so-called friends was there. This guy hadn't said a single word to me for well over a week, despite seeing me after work every day and on the weekend nights. I figured that I'd managed to piss him off too. Oh well.

But today, today on his way out he stopped and talked to me for a couple of minutes.

It really doesn't take much of a nudge, to swing me over to a good mood for a while. Not much of a nudge at all.

posted by dave at 10:23 PM in category general

Well that was a crappy excuse for a nap. Nothing but bad dreams.

posted by dave at 8:01 PM in category general

One of my friends got some shit at work for being openly gay. That's pretty fucked up. She's worked there for 10 years, and that's what I advised her to point out in response. I hate small-minded people.

posted by dave at 7:00 PM in category general

Speaking of A/C, it's stopped working in my Intrepid. It was a very nice couple of weeks though. I'm supposed to take it back to the same garage tomorrow or Thursday so they can try something more permanent.

posted by dave at 6:32 PM in category general

For the second day in a row, I forgot to switch my A/C back on when I left for work. This, of course sucks. It's 92 degrees in my house right now.

Thursday, July 20, 2006
posted by dave at 2:54 AM in category general

I was just now going to write that I saw SassyGirl at Rich O's after work, and that I had an NABC Artemsia (120). Then I was going to write that I gave SassyGirl a ride home and we talked and it was nice. I was probably going to write that I had a Blue Moon (270) at SassyGirl's house and that I got to pet her cat. I probably wasn't going to mention that SassyBoy was at Rich O's too, even though I should mention it because nobody had seen him in months.

Then, I think I was going to elaborate on how nice it was to see SassyGirl, especially to be able to spend time with just the two of us. If I'd written that, then I'd also have felt compelled to write that I have absolutely nothing against JauntyGirl at all (she's really nice and cool) but sometimes I just want to see my friends without their significant others there. I'd have written something about how I'm always a third wheel in those situations. Then, I might have started to allude to other friends that I rarely (or never) see without their significant others, but then I'd have thought about it, and decided against it because, you know, sometimes you just have to take what you can get and stop being such a baby.

Once I'd written about my day, I was going to struggle for quite a while about another topic that's been on my mind. I would have had this long drawn-out internal debate over whether or not I should even mention it at all. I think this would have been a tough decision, because it would certainly make for interesting writing, but it would also open up a big can of worms that would probably be best left closed. In the end, I was going to decide that it just wasn't worth the trouble.

In fact, I ended up deciding that writing about anything at all would require more effort than it was worth, so I ditched the whole plan and just went and watched some TV.

Sunday, July 16, 2006
posted by dave at 5:13 PM in category drink, general

Yesterday was a pretty decent day. I actually left my basement and went out to shoot some pool. This was the first time I'd shot in a place other than my basement since January. It was also the first time I'd played an actual opponent since January.

So that was fun. My left leg is actually a little sore today. Need to work on my balance I guess.

On the way home I stopped at Taco Bell and grabbed a couple of chili cheese burritos. Shut up, I like them. I've liked them since they were called chilitos. Anyway, after I ate, I realized just how tired I was. It was 7:00 and I was too tired to even think about going out. So I wrote off my Saturday night and went to bed...

...and I couldn't sleep. My cat Buddy just would not allow it. So I went down to Rich O's.

The place was pretty empty, so I liked that. A bunch of strangers were in the living room, but I didn't feel like sitting there anyway. I grabbed my favorite seat at the island and ordered an NABC Artemsia (60).

There seemed to be a S.I.G.H. convention in the area. Several times girls would come into Rich O's proper, glance at me and the open stools around me, then veer around me to stand in the annex area. Whatever, whores.

MusicalHippyDude came and sat with me, and we were able to talk for a bit before we got interrupted. Then I managed to hurt said interrupter's feelings by picking up my shit and moving over to the (recently vacated) throne.

For the rest of the night I just sat and smoked and drank two more Artemsias (100). One note about that beer: None of the bartenders have any clue how to pronounce it. This may be an indicator that it's a stupid name for a beer. But that's just my opinion of the name. The beer itself is weird and yummy. Just like me.

(Note I've asked Roger, the owner of Rich O's, and he says it's ar-TEM-zee-uh.)

I also did something sneaky while nobody was looking. We'll see how that turns out.

After a while, LonerBoy came and sat with me, and we talked about various crap. He's going to Seattle, and I'm pretty jealous of that. I haven't been there since 2002.

Rich O's closed up early because it was so dead. LonerBoy and I went over to Jack's and I had a Blue Moon and wished I was about 20 years younger. It turned out that Jack's was where the S.I.G.H. convention was taking place.

The Blue Moon was a bad idea, and so I ended up staying at Jack's drinking Diet Coke until the wee hours of the morning, waiting for the alcohol to leave my body and talking with a bunch of girls from Logan's Roadhouse.

posted by dave at 12:28 PM in category drink, general

I'm a pretty stubborn guy sometimes. This stubbornness reveals itself in various ways. Like when I refuse to take a hint if I don't like what's being hinted at. Like when I'm completely wasting my time but I keep trying because I keep imagining that it could all be worth it in the end.

Friday night, it poured here. Floyd County got like 5 inches of rain in an hour. This is all my fault because I washed all three of my vehicles. It was raining so hard that the 20 yard sprint from my car to the GasNStuff left me completely soaked. I was wet for the rest of the night.

So I sloshed myself into Red Lobster. This is just more of my stubbornness. I was supposed to be in Indianapolis, but instead I was wasting my time back home, so I went to Red Lobster to make the night at least a little bit unusual.

The TV above the bar was nothing but weather reports. From the flash floods and the lightning. The sound was muted, so I can't be sure that they officially blamed me for all of it, but they probably did. Every fucking thing else that's ever happened is my fault, after all. Anyway, the TV was muted, but the closed-captioning was still on, but it's wasn't the text of the weather reports that was being displayed. It was instead the show that was supposed to be on at that time. That was kind of weird.

My food was good, as always. I like Red Lobster a lot. The waitress kept bugging me though. Asking if everything was okay. I said that it was, but I guess I wasn't convincing enough because then the manager came over and asked me the same question. I told him that the food was just fine, but that I kept getting interrupted by people asking me questions. He took the hint and everyone left me alone after that. I just make friends everywhere I go.

Next I went to Rich O's and sat with LibraryGirl and her friends for a while. I had myself an NABC Artemsia (40) and then a Rogue Smoke (250). I think there were people there and I think that I probably talked to some of them, but I'm sure that it was nothing important.

posted by dave at 12:02 PM in category drink, general

I'm craving a steak. Again. Must be some old age thing. Like I need meat to help make up for withering away.

So I'm at this place in New Albany called Tucker's. We used to come here, every now and then. The food is pretty good. The bartender is hot. Plus, there's something about the Guinness here. It's fucking yummy. Much better than it is anywhere else.

I'm having a Guinness, of course. A tall glass of frothy pleasure while I wait for my steak and my baked potato and my sautéed mushrooms. Not that the sides matter. It's all about the steak tonight. And the Guinness. And the hot bartender.

---

The red room at Rich O's is fucked up. Some plumbing problem. So what little crowd there is has, um, crowded into the rest of Rich O's proper. I don't care though. I'm not even officially here.

They've got two new beers on tap. Both seem intriguing to me.

New Albanian Jenever Rye(10)

(draft) Dirty gold. Zero fizz. Has a sweet aroma, if that makes any sense. Flavor is quite sweet with some odd indescribable undertones. Pretty good, but dangerous because the alcohol is very well hidden. No bitterness.
8:12
This one chick is going to piss me off, but not as much as this fuckhead on the sofa is going to.

8:20
They're playing fucking Johnny Cash again. I never had an opinion about him at all, but now I hate him because they play the dead fucker so damn often in this place.

8:23
Great, now the fuckhead on the sofa is singing along to the music. I hate him.

New Albanian Artemsia Ale(10)

(draft) Clear brown. Zero fizz. Smells like a pine tree - must be the mugwort. The flavor is very weird, and very good. I like this a lot. Tastes like it should have more alcohol than it does.
8:35
TallLady has left the bar. I'm moving up there to get away from this fuckhead.

8:45
Piss time.

8:55
Another half-pint of the Artemsia (20).

9:00
The strangers just left the other end of the bar. I would move down there, but it seems hard.

9:06
Some guy from the future just took the right-hand barstool. He seemed upset when his Upland Wheat didn't come with a citrus wedge.

9:08
PotatoGirl is having trouble pouring Pilsner Urquel because it's so foamy. This has prompted me to write a new advertising slogan for that beer. Pilsner Urquel: A lot of effort for a little flavor.

9:15
I had a brilliant idea for a series of 'blog entries yesterday. But it seems hard, so I probably won't do it.

9:16
The guy from the future has gone. The time portal must be about to close.

9:18
Piss time.

9:25
Ordering another half-pint of the Jenever (20).

9:35
I am sooooooooooooo glad that I deleted her number from my phone. Really.

9:37
Fine, maybe I'm stupid, but at least my stupidity lets me do the right thing. Most idiots have no excuse at all.

9:20
Bubbles is here.

9:40
PotatoGirl wants me. She needs to get in line.

9:45
This Artemsia stuff is yummy. That means that it will never be here again, so I'd better drink up. Not tonight though.

Thursday, July 6, 2006
posted by dave at 6:56 AM in category general

Well that was nice. I'd expected to hear from her attorney before I ever heard from her.

---

I've got a cyst or a conjoined twin or something growing on the back of neck. It's actually impeding my ability to turn my head without pain. When this grows big enough to become self-aware I just hope it isn't a jerk.

---

Yesterday some guy at Rich O's that nobody ever saw before bought two DaveFest shirts. I made it a point to stop by his table and thank him for his support.

---

That's all I've got for now. Thought there'd be more, but nope.

Wednesday, July 5, 2006
posted by dave at 10:48 PM in category general, pictures

Birdies!

These things were outside my window when I got up this morning. There were actually about twice this many. There was another adult and another half-dozen chicks.

The reason it's so out of focus is that I took this picture through the glass in my window, and the glass messed up my camera's auto-focus. By the time I figured out how to focus them, they were in the bushes.

I think they're turkeys, but that's just a guess.

Saturday, July 1, 2006
posted by dave at 11:03 PM in category general, travel

I always manage to forget something every time I go on a trip.

This time the thing that I forgot was the A/C power adapter for my laptop.

Right now, my laptop tells me it's got 3 hours and 36 minutes of battery life left.

I've got to try to stretch that out until Tuesday morning when I leave Cleveland.

I should be able to do it, but it will be tough. I won't be able to keep up with my favorites like I'm used to doing.

Anyway, I'm having fun so far, and I'll probably post something tomorrow.

Thursday, June 29, 2006
posted by dave at 6:07 PM in category general

plant
n.

4. A person or thing put into place in order to mislead or function secretly, especially:
   a. A person placed in a group or situation to influence behavior.
   b. A person stationed in a given location as a spy or observer.
   c. A person who will pretend to be an ally to solicit incriminating evidence.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006
posted by dave at 1:15 AM in category general

I was thinking about writing something today, but I changed my mind. If any of you are really curious, you can just go back and read some of my old shit. The thing that I was going to write about, I'm sure that I've already written about it before.

---

So on Monday I got this email from The Luxor in Las Vegas telling me about some special room rates they were offering me because I'm so awesome. It was $79 per night, which seems like a pretty good price to me. Since I've been missing Las Vegas recently, I went online to see if I could maybe take a trip there in August. Yay! August in Las Vegas! But I don't think it's going to happen because, while the room rates are good, the cheapest flights I could find were $8,000,000 or something like that. I think I'll have to wait until November as I'd originally planned so work will pay for the trip.

---

I think that I'm probably going to be miserable for the rest of the Summer. Maybe for even longer. I don't really see any way out of this funk. I am starting to get a little excited about my trip to Cleveland this weekend, but I doubt that even this pseudo-good mood will last very long.

---

Dammit, I really wish she could have been here for DaveFest.

---

I kinda feel like everybody around me is just standing in my way, blocking me from where I'm supposed to be going. This irritates me. Mostly because it's an illusion. There's no place to go.

---

I used to be annoyed by people trying to make me feel better when it was obvious that their only real goal was to feel more comfortable around me. Now I'm annoyed by people because they're being nice to me, but it's nothing but another illusion. Don't be nice to me. You're not the one. So stop. Just stop distracting me. I do not want to be your good deed of the day. Let me be miserable for a while. I've earned it.

---

My sleep schedule is upside-down again. It's kinda nice. It seems like there's more solitude after midnight. Instead of just having the house to myself, it seems like I've got the whole world.

---

I've deleted another girl's number from my phone. It really bothers me that it came to this. Not that there was ever any real potential there, but it was fun to pretend for a while. Now my messages are ignored, and I don't trust myself to stop trying, so I deleted her number.

---

Seriously, I don't want to do this any more. I'm sick of putting on a brave face and forcing a smile.

Monday, June 26, 2006
posted by dave at 5:37 PM in category general

I finally shipped those DaveFest shirts you ordered. They should arrive Wednesday.

There, now I've accomplished three things today.

Firstly, I've let you know that I'm not completely useless - I'm just a procrastinator.

Secondly, I've managed to sneak in yet another advertisement for DaveFest shirts.

Thirdly, I've written an entry in my journal. This counts. Yes, it does.

It's win-win-win!

posted by dave at 1:30 AM in category family, general

It could have been twice, it could have been fifty times. When your mom's heart stops beating, you don't really bother keeping an accurate count.

That last night, that last night before that last morning, they'd called. They'd called and they'd told us about the first time her heart had stopped. They'd told us that we might want to come in. Just in case, you know.

Mom had been in the hospital for over a month, and had been unconscious for at least a week. The doctors and the nurses, they kept trying to prepare us for what was going to happen. One nurse in particular had been a friend of Mom's for thirty years - even she admitted that there was no hope.

But we didn't listen to any of it. Death was something that happened to other people's mothers. Not to ours. Ours was going to wake up, and she was going to be okay, and she was going to go home and everything was going to be fine again.

That last night, before that last morning, they called. And Dad and I went in to the hospital. And we waited. When we could, we went into the room where Mom lay. They'd given her a private room in Intensive Care, so that was nice. We went into her room and we watched the number that tracked her heartbeats. We watched that number shrink and shrink and shrink and fucking shrink.

Then we'd watch it plummet to zero, and the doctors and the nurses would usher us back into the waiting room.

And we'd wait some more.

Sometime in the early morning, about 3:00 I think, the nurse came and told us that it wouldn't be long. She said that if there was anyone that we wanted to call, we should do it right away.

It could have been twice, it could have been a hundred times. When your mother is dying, and you're trying desperately to let your sisters know before it's too late, you don't really bother keeping an accurate count.

Dina's phone rang and rang and rang. It was after 6:00 when my brother-in-law finally answered the phone.

"Mike," I said. "It's happening. You need to bring everyone here."

Timing is everything.

It really is just like in the movies. You sit in a room, and you wait for somebody to come and give you an update. Always before, it had been a nurse, or a doctor. Always before, it had been one of them, but never two. Never ever two.

At 6:30 or so, two people left my Mom's room and walked toward Dad and me. I wonder now, were there two of them because there were two of us?

The nurse was crying. I'll always remember that the nurse was crying.

I don't remember what they said to us. I mean, I remember the gist of it, but not the details. When people tell you that your mother has died, you don't really bother memorizing their words.

I remember sitting down. No, scratch that. I remember a hand reaching down from above and pushing me down.

I remember my dad, after the doctor has finished telling us. Dad said, "So she's dead then." It wasn't a question. It was a simple statement of fact. It was also a silent scream that will haunt me forever. Some things you don't get over, and that was one of those things. My father, upon hearing that the only woman he'd ever loved was gone, my father kept himself in check. For me, and for my sisters, he stayed strong.

I remember that he put his hand on my shoulder, and that I put my hand on top of his, and that we just sat like that for the longest time. We sat that way until the doctor and the nurse left us, until they left us to go back into Mom's room so they could disconnect the wires and the tubes and do whatever else needed to be done. After a patient has died.

My sisters arrived too late. Dad and I were standing out in the hallway when they rounded the corner. They were actually smiling. Forced smiles, to be sure, but smiles nonetheless. That was the last time I'd see smiles for a very long time.

Somehow, somehow we managed to tell them that Mom had already died. Dad told Dina, and I told Neisha. Hell, I didn't even know Neisha, and there I was telling her that her life would never be the same again. It was hard, of course it was hard. But I did it. I did it for Dad, who was putting his own grief on hold so that he'd be better able to help his children.

You know what I wish? I wish that I believed in the afterlife. I wish that I believed that Mom could have been there in that hallway with us on that morning. She would have been so proud of Dad.

I know I was.

I still am.

Sunday, June 25, 2006
posted by dave at 6:18 PM in category general

I didn't write this. I just followed a link from fark.com.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

posted by dave at 5:07 PM in category general

I am attempting to broil a steak.

This should be funny.

If I don't die in a fire somehow.

posted by dave at 12:52 AM in category general

...that I'm a decent person.

Not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But I'm basically a good and kind person.

This is a huge problem.

Women do not want decent and kind. Women want dangerous and callous and unpredictable. Women want someone that needs fixing.

And, if they don't find a flaw right away, they'll poke and prod and dig until they do find something wrong.

The problem is, the problem is that the further they have to dig to find the problem, the harder it will be to fix.

And some things are beyond repair.

Friday, June 16, 2006
posted by dave at 6:10 AM in category general

I suppose this entry from Roger's 'blog explains it:

The three-tier blues strike again.

So, tonight DaveFest enters its third weekend, and it does so once again without the beer that, for me, was pretty much the point of the whole thing.

A part of me realizes that this delay is a good thing. I think I've been quite honest with myself when I've said, "Self, when the Rogue Chocolate Stout goes on tap, that's all I'm going to drink. All those other beers will fade into irrelevance once my dark master reappears."

This way, frustrating as it's been, this way I've at least been able to drink a lot of my other favorite beers. It's been a time of tough choices for me, seeing all those yummy beers on the board at the same time. It's been tough, but it's been wonderful.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006
posted by dave at 12:06 AM in category general

My Internet connection has been up and down for most of the day. I'll probably type this shit up and then not be able to publish it. Supposedly the guy is coming here tomorrow to diagnose and hopefully fix whatever the problem is.

---

I have absolutely nothing to write about and, even if I did, it wouldn't be any good.

---

I keep dreaming about Las Vegas. Probably because this is the longest I've gone without visiting there in several years. I need to get out there.

---

I seem to have developed this severe aversion to couples. I don't really think about it, but I'm miserable around them. I suppose this is my subconscious giving me a hard time about being alone.

---

The DaveFest thing is exhausting. What I'd like to do, one of these nights, is just sit at the island or at the bar and do nothing except glare at people. But I can't, because I'm the star of the show or something.

---

Yesterday I bought a bag of pistachios, then I ate the whole bag in about three hours. Pistachios must have the highest ratio of ugliness to deliciousness of any food out there. Plus, they're a pain to eat.

---

I guess that's about it.

Sunday, June 11, 2006
posted by dave at 8:18 AM in category general

How is it, I wonder, that I can eat six White Castle cheeseburgers and two orders of fries right before I go to sleep, then wake up six hours later and be starving to death?

I can't eat now though. I've got to connect in to work and get some shit done.

Maybe after that's done I'll go grab some breakfast.

I didn't say this would be an interesting entry.

Friday, June 9, 2006
posted by dave at 7:43 AM in category general

Fine.

I've waited long enough.

My voicemails and emails have sat unanswered for almost two weeks. I said that I would not try again, and I haven't. The ball's in your court, but you're not there to pick it up.

Fine. I'll play by myself for a while. Maybe even play with myself for a while.

Ha ha ha.

I think the thing that shocked me the most about the way you left is that, at first, it seemed that you must not have a very high opinion of me as a person. For what you asked me to do was something that only a complete asshole would do. Surely, I thought, surely you knew me better than that.

But the more I've thought about it, the more I've come to realize that it's not my character that you've misjudged - it's my intelligence.

You think I'm fucking stupid, don't you?

Well, I'm not.

Sure, it took me a few days, but I did figure it out.

You asked me to prove my feelings for you, but the proof that you demanded was impossible. And you knew it.

Why would you do that? Why would you issue an ultimatum that could never be satisfied?

It's simple, really.

You asked me for the impossible because you knew that my refusal would give you an excuse. An excuse to walk away. An excuse to keep the blame for our failures on me. An excuse behind which you could hide your own fears and insecurities.

It was a good plan. If you're twelve years old.

I'd take a bullet for you, but I will not shoot an innocent person. You knew that all along.

Look, I know all about fear and insecurity. I've pretty much mastered them both over the past couple of years. So I understand the things that race through your head. You waited for so long for me to say those words to you. You were surprised. You were skeptical and you were afraid.

I don't blame you a bit for your concerns.

I just wish you'd have told me, instead of playing this stupid game. I thought we were better than stupid games.

posted by dave at 7:11 AM in category dreams, general

I got this stupid premonition in my head last night, and slept fitfully because of it. Just one of those things that would be pretty cool if it happened, but it's so unlikely that I could never be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

That's the best kind of premonition, I think.

---

I dreamed about a pretty good movie with C. Thomas Howell and Jennifer Aniston. The theme song of the movie was a country song, and in the dream it was one of the best songs ever. Now I'm sitting here at my desk with the song running through my head, and I realize that it's one of the stupidest songs ever. Still can't get the fucker out of my head though.

---

I also dreamed about how I was working with some cops on some case or other, and there were pod people involved. They blew up part of a building to cover up the fact that MixedSignalGirl's mother had been replaced by a pod person. Then I had to put her cat in her car so I wouldn't have to carry it around while I searched the rubble for evidence. And later some bitch wouldn't let me back into the parking garage because I didn't have a pass. After I told her about Puddles being in the car she was nicer about it, but she still wouldn't let me in.

It was all very intense and dramatic. The whole thing had something to do with these transistors that had been used on a certain type of computer cabling back in the 1970s. The same transistors, it turned out, had also been used in these doohickeys that attached to soda cans to keep them cold.

Damn pod people. I hate them so much.

---

I was hung-over all day yesterday, so I didn't do anything but work and watch TV.

---

There's a chance that the Rogue Chocolate Stout and the Rogue Smoke will be on at DaveFest tonight. I'm afraid to ask though because it'll put me in a bad mood if they're not available yet.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006
posted by dave at 11:49 PM in category general

I wish we were still friends.

I'd mail her a t-shirt.

She would like it.

If we were still friends.

Tuesday, June 6, 2006
posted by dave at 7:22 PM in category general

The DaveFest T-Shirts will be available tomorrow!

Yay!

Please buy one. Here's what's on the front:

DaveFest Logo

And then on the back is a list of all the DaveFest beers.

Because these are arriving almost a week later than was originally planned, I'm not expecting them to sell nearly as well as I'd hoped.

Again, please buy one. I'm selling them at cost (rounded up to the nearest dollar) and for Internet orders I'll pay shipping.

So, small, medium, large, and extra-large are going for $10.00. Size XXL is $11.00, and size XXXL is $12.00.

Fuck, I'll even sign the thing if you want.

For every shirt that doesn't get sold, I figure that will equal one day that I'll have to eat dirt to help make up for what I'm spending on these things.

I don't like to eat dirt, so please buy a shirt.

There, I even wrote you a poem.

posted by dave at 6:17 AM in category general, travel

Slept from 8:30 'til 5:30. I don't think I missed anything.

I guess I'm going to Chicago for a day or two in July. Some email archiving thingy. No baseball during that trip unless I stay an extra night. I probably won't make that decision for a while. First I have to decide if I'm going to drive or fly up there.

Man I'm bored.

Monday, June 5, 2006
posted by dave at 7:04 PM in category general

This has been discussed, and approved.

From now on, SassyGirl's girlfriend TacoBell will be referred to in this journal as JauntyGirl.

That is all.

Saturday, June 3, 2006
posted by dave at 1:37 AM in category general

You know what would have made my Friday night better than it was?

Me neither.

Thursday, June 1, 2006
posted by dave at 12:00 AM in category comics, general

do not act so surprised

I guess the stress is part of the fun, too.

I'm not really sure how to break this to you.

I guess I'll just come out and say it.

The DaveFest shirts aren't going to be ready for at least a week.

Now, calm down please. The Sun will still rise and set tomorrow. It will probably continue to do so this weekend when DaveFest begins on schedule.

So, after several emails, I think I've got the quantities correct. For the initial order anyway. Any subsequent orders will, quite frankly, be a pain in the ass and I can't guarantee that they'll even happen.

I'm disappointed, of course. I was really looking forward to seeing my likeness adorn the chests of friends and strangers alike this weekend. It would have been surreal and sublime.

But alas, it's not meant to be. Not just yet.

I'm told that the shirts will be ready by next Friday, in time for the final wave of DaveFest when the Rogue beers go on tap.

For those of you holding non-refundable tickets to Louisville for this weekend, let me apologize. Let me also assure you that the trip will still be worthwhile. In the end, it's really about the beer.

In silent protest of this atrocity, my beautiful female readers should feel free to attend the festival shirtless.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006
posted by dave at 12:21 AM in category drink, general

Well that last entry was clearly crap.

Oh well. Can't be helped now. Google has it in its grasp.

So, in an effort to show some semblance of normality, I present this entry.

I've used that line, or one very similar to it, at least three times now. I like the way it reads. Makes it seem like something important may be coming. Kind of like when a woman says, "Oh, this old thing? I just threw something on." And then she looks totally hot and stuff.

Not. This. Time.

Anyway, yesterday started out okay.

I watched the first twelve hours or so of the 24 first season DVDs. I'd forgotten what an asshole Tony was in the beginning, and what a useless brat Kim was. It's a good show.

Kiefer Sutherland is cool as fuck.

At 4:00 or so I drove to the other side of the Moon, otherwise known as Salem Indiana, to feed my sister's cats. I forget where she went. Some Renaissance Faire I think.

My sister Neisha has a shitload of cats. I can use that word in its slang sense as well as its literal one, the latter because when you get that many cats sharing a single litterbox it's - well, it's a shitload.

She's got one new kitten that might be a bit of an asshole, but it's a kitten so it's cute. It was also one of the only cats that didn't seem to be scared of me. Even E-Coli or whatever his name is seemed skittish about me being there. That cat used to just love me, and would happily shred the skin on my forearms at the slightest provocation.

Oh yeah, and Gleelore was also glad to see me.

After I'd cleaned the litter box, I spent a few fruitless minutes trying to decipher Neisha's feeding instructions. In the end I just kept dumping food into plates and making sure that all of the cats got something to eat. This turned out to be no small feat, because the kitten was, as I said, a bit of an asshole.

After I left Neisha's I drove to my other sister's house. Dina was, for some reason that I cannot quite fathom, hosting a graduation party for the son of a friend. This would be Hell for me, as the only thing I can think of that would be more annoying than a bunch of screaming teenagers would be a bunch of screaming teenagers that I never saw before in my life.

But, Dina has always been the hostess of our little group. Plus, she's got a pool.

But I didn't go to Dina's for the party.

I went to see her new kitten.

It's a tiny thing, only a few weeks old. Its mother abandoned it, and all of its siblings died. I hope this one grows to be big and strong because Dina is obviously quite attached to it already.

Also at the party were a bunch of people, some that I knew, and some that I didn't. I left fairly quickly as I had a date.

---

After my date disintegrated, I was left alone at The Pub in Louisville's Fourth Street Live district. I guess I could have gone home, but a part of me was thinking that the whole episode might have been some kind of sick joke. I half-expected Allen Funt and MixedSignalGirl to walk in and point out the hidden cameras and then everybody would have a good laugh.

Is Allen Funt even alive anymore?

So I stayed. I stayed and I had myself a couple of yummy Newcastles (1980). I would have had another one except the bartender told me that I was better off and that, "That girl isn't that pretty anyway." So I left her a $.01 tip and went next door to The Hard Rock.

At The Hard Rock, I had myself a Guinness (1239) in a souvenir glass, and I watched videos for a while, then I came home.

---

I did try to call her. I got voicemail.

I tried again this morning. I got voicemail.

I won't try again.

Monday, May 29, 2006
posted by dave at 6:17 PM in category general

Something has happened.

Something most decidedly not good.

I sit here today trying not to think about this choice that I've been given. Not that it's much of a choice. I already know what my decision is. I only had to think about it for maybe two seconds after it was presented to me.

I know what I'll do. I'll do what's right. Not right for me, and not right for her, and not right for us. But what's right nonetheless.

So, I said the words.

I said the words and it wasn't enough. She wanted proof.

I cannot prove that I love her. Not the way she wants.

But I can, I can prove something else.

I can prove that, at my core, I am a good person.

She should have already known that.

She shouldn't need proof.

posted by dave at 11:29 AM in category general

badge

Friday, May 26, 2006
posted by dave at 5:45 PM in category general

I just remembered.

I'm supposed to be freaking out.

I guess I should get started.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

posted by dave at 2:43 PM in category general

Went and got my haircut today, and HaircutLady told me about how she'd taken six puppies into the vet this morning to get wormed and to have their first vaccinations.

She loaded them back into the carrier and brought them home.

By the time she got home all six puppies were dead.

This is hopefully the saddest thing I hear about today.

She had her son stick one of the puppies in her freezer so the cause of death can be determined. I suggested that she might want to consider a different vet to perform the autopsy.

Poor puppies!

Thursday, May 25, 2006
posted by dave at 11:27 PM in category general

I see that, as of this writing, I'm number 6 (out of 2,220,000) in the google results for the search term drunken rambling.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
posted by dave at 6:30 PM in category general

They keep saying on the radio how they're hopeful that Barbaro can have a career as a stallion.

Having held that job for a while, I can say that it's not all it's advertised to be. And I can't imagine that mares are much less demanding than human women.

Also, wouldn't the offspring of a horse that shatters its leg in three places, simply because it was running, be worth about the same as, I dunno, something else that's obviously useless?

I'm just saying.

posted by dave at 5:27 PM in category general

There are maybe three people on Earth that can hurt my feelings.

I'm one, and neither of the others are you.

So you can keep playing your little game if you want, but only if you really enjoy making an ass out of yourself.

Monday, May 22, 2006
posted by dave at 6:36 PM in category general

I hate that commercial.

You know, the one where that chick asks about windows that her uncle bought five years ago for $189. She wants to know how much they are now, and she's told that they're still $189.

She splashes her panties she's so excited.

What a fucking stupid bitch.

What she doesn't seem to realize is that (a) her uncle got ripped off, and (b) she's about to get ripped off.

If the fucking things were so overpriced five years ago that they're still the same price, then why does she find it reasonable to assume that said price is now all of a sudden a good one?

It's like they told her, "Sure we robbed people for years, but you're just in time for this new honest-price thing we're trying. It's your lucky day!"

I hate her. I hope she buys a zillion of the damn windows and then has no money left for crack and has to suck the assholes of homeless people just to get something to eat and she has to blow old men on holiday from the old folk's home for spare change so she can buy more crack every six months or so.

Sunday, May 21, 2006
posted by dave at 11:49 AM in category general

I have the weirdest alarm clock ever.

Normal alarm clocks don't always work with me. I still manage to sleep through them far too often.

For a while I was able to use the alarm function in my cellphone. So great was my fear that I'd miss a call from you know who, any noise whatsoever coming from that phone would find me springing out of bed. So I set the alarm noise to the same ring as the incoming call noise.

But after a zillion years of disappointment, I started sleeping through that noise as well.

Lately, and when I say lately I mean for the last several weeks and maybe even months, I've come to rely on a novel new way to know when it's time to get up. At least on the weekends. On weekdays I seem to be on my own.

What happens on the weekends is that, 700 miles away from me, a girl writes me an email. She writes me an email, and I wake up.

Doesn't seem like it would be possible, does it? I mean, even if she was really pounding the shit out of those keys I shouldn't be able to detect it from more than maybe 30 yards or so. Certainly not 700 miles.

I don't know how it works. I just know that it does. When my friend RockGirl sends me an email, I'm up within 5 minutes of when she hits the send button. Sometimes it's 5 minutes before, so that gives me time to get myself a drink and take a piss and shake some of the cobwebs out of my head. Sometimes it's 5 minutes after and so I postpone those usual morning activities until after I've read the message.

It's a nice way to wake up, that's for sure.

Saturday, May 20, 2006
posted by dave at 5:42 PM in category general, pictures

...and I have proof.

After I got home from Madison this afternoon, after I finished my dinner, I went downstairs to shoot some pool.

And I tripped over this:

Luckily, I seem to have killed it by tripping over it. Otherwise I'd have had to move out of my house.

I dropped the pool ball on it just in case.

Yep, it's dead.

Now I have to find my shovel so I can dispose of the thing.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006
posted by dave at 12:50 AM in category general

Go here! Read this!

Okay, so a few more choices have fallen off the list, but Roger has made up for those losses, and also inspired me nearly to giggles, by adding Newcastle to the list.

Yay!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006
posted by dave at 6:38 PM in category general

Today, after work, the Sun was shining.

But that's not all!

When I got into my truck, it was very warm inside.

Almost hot actually!

That was the first time I've been warm in a couple of weeks.

It felt so good that, for a moment or two, I thought about peeling down and molesting myself right there in the truck.

But then I remembered where I was.

There's probably a corporate policy against that sort of thing.

posted by dave at 2:09 AM in category drink, general

I guess I'm just writing for the fuck of it now.

I overdid my after-work nap, and now it's almost 2:00 AM and I'm probably up for the rest of the night.

Gotta do something, may as well write.

For those of you reading this at barenada.com, you may or may not know that I duplicate my 'blog over at barenada.journalspace.com. Well, that site has been down since Friday morning. Some kind of hard drive crash is what they claim, but I don't buy it. What I think happened is that this chick's new profile picture melted the hard drive.

It's that hot.

Anyway, today after work I stopped by Rich O's and had a small Cone Smoker (1670) and a small Smithwick's (736) while I talked with Roger about DaveFest. It's looking like all of the beers I selected will be available except for the Avery Old Jubilation, so that's cool. I was expecting six taps but it's looking like there'll be eleven.

The t-shirts are still a go I guess. I met the artist the other day and I'm expecting him to contact me again about designs and colors. Or maybe not. Maybe he'll just wing it. He's the artist after all. We're going to order a couple of dozen shirts, and I suppose we can order more if we need to. I really have no idea what kind of interest there'll be.

I'll be at Rich O's both nights of DaveFest's opening weekend, June 2nd and 3rd. This will get me into trouble with my family. Maybe when their favorite hangout decides to honor them with their own festival they'll understand.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006
posted by dave at 2:20 PM in category general

Anybody ever have one of these Asian salads from McDonald's?

asian salad

It looks yummy!

Sunday, May 7, 2006
posted by dave at 8:14 PM in category general

A while ago, I mentioned that the board outside the New Albanian brewery listed their ConeSmoker beer, but no date.

I figured that this was done to annoy me.

Back on April 27th Roger, the owner of the place, wrote this in his blog entry about an ale festival to be held that weekend:

As NABC's contribution to the fest, and as befits our commitment to "go high, or go home," Brewmeister Jesse Williams is taking a few gallons each of our Hoptimus (Double IPA), Thunderfoot (Cherried Imperial Stout) and a special preview of the this year's edition of ConeSmoker.
Okay, fine. The ConeSmoker is ready, but the people in Clarksville are more important than us Rich O's regulars, so we have to wait.

If you've never been to Rich O's you may not know this. Besides the main beer board out front, there's another board in the back. This second board is for the bartenders. It lists which beers are on which taps, and how many kegs of that beer are left in stock. It also lists which beer is scheduled to be up next on a given tap.

I've gotten into the habit of checking this secondary beer board for my information, mainly because I can read it from Rich O's proper without having to go out front where all the idiots are.

Last night, this is what I saw when I looked at that board.

secondary beer board

Okay, I guess that's a pretty shitty picture.

What it says, down at the bottom, in a box labeled S7 I think, is ConeSmoker.

I immediately ran out front to make sure that I hadn't missed ConeSmoker being listed out there. Nope, it wasn't there.

So I asked the bartender, "Hey, what's the deal with having ConeSmoker on your board back there? Does that mean it's on and I'm wasting my brain cells on Smithwick's?"

The bartender assured me that it was not on tap.

So my questions for Roger are:

Why is it listed on your employees' board?

Why is it not available if this tap S7 is otherwise open?

Why must you tease me like this?

Saturday, May 6, 2006
posted by dave at 10:24 AM in category general

I was just looking at my server logs and noticed the following referrer:

http://www.brewersofindianaguild.com/events.html

DaveFest is listed!

Yay!

That loud popping sound you hear may be my head exploding.

Thursday, May 4, 2006
posted by dave at 11:54 PM in category general

Great minds think alike, or so they say.

And, every now and then, a mediocre mind manages to think like a great mind.

That last part is just something I added myself. I don't think that they say it.

Whoever they are.

Anyway, I had this brilliant idea for an entry. I had it somewhat outlined in my head, and I had some fairly decent ideas for how I'd flesh out that outline. How I'd run with that idea. How I'd expand that idea, and expound that idea.

It would have been great, if I do say do myself. And I do.

But noooooooooooooooo!

Somebody has already had the same idea, and she's done more in thirteen words than I could have done with a thousand.

So now, once again. I have nothing.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006
posted by dave at 5:24 PM in category general

For the past nine days, I've been on-call for work.

What that means is that I get to try to do my normal job during the day, except that I get to drop everything to handle all of the emergencies that keep popping up. It also means that I get to have my phone ring at all hours of the night because of the emergencies that pop up then.

I went off-call at 5:00 this evening.

I'm so happy I could shit.

Thursday, April 27, 2006
posted by dave at 11:58 PM in category drink, general, ramblings

(continued)

I'll tell you what I wish. You won't be surprised.

I wish that I'd met MixedSignalGirl about six months earlier.

Because that way, see, my heart would already have been awakened, but it would not yet have imprinted itself on anyone. And by anyone I of course mean you know who.

Yes, I wish I'd met her earlier. Before it was too late. There was beautiful potential there. There really was.

I was sitting at Hooter's tonight waiting for my cousin Jeff to arrive and give me a ride home. He came in when I typed (to be continued) earlier.

Jeff and I sat and talked with each other and with the pretty bartender. It was good to see him. It was especially good to see him away from his usual haunt, which is the Hooter's in Jeffersonville. When Jeff's away from his normal hangout he's more like his old self.

Let's see, I ended up having a couple more Newcastles (1884) and a Diet Coke.

Obviously, I was in more of a mood to write earlier than I am right now.

At least I finished the thing.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006
posted by dave at 7:08 PM in category general

Look into an emergency.

Look into another emergency.

Attend a meeting.

Look into the second emergency some more.

Explain why you aren't looking into the first emergency.

Attend another meeting.

Hand the first emergency off to someone else.

Fix the second emergency.

Attend yet another meeting.

Look into the third emergency.

Fix the third emergency.

Repeat for ever and ever.

Monday, April 24, 2006
posted by dave at 11:59 PM in category general

What am I supposed to write about when there's nothing to write about?

Fuck if I know.

I hate the thought of this becoming nothing more than a simple and boring chronicle of my simple and boring existence. Of course, it's often been that despite my best intentions, but every now and then it became something more. Something important for me to write, and something equally important for me to read.

Now? Now, not so much.

Enough whining. On with the drivel.

I've spent a good chunk of the last few days working on my website. What started out as a simple desire to add commenting capability has evolved into a full-blown site restructuring. Problem is, the more I change, the less I like it. Can't quit now though. I only quit the important things in my life.

Dammit, asshole! I said that's enough whining!

Today after work I stopped by Rich O's. I had a Smithwick's (746) and I talked with Roger for a bit about DaveFest. I guess that Rogue Chocolate Stout may be arriving late - so late in fact that the entire thing might get pushed back to the second week of June. We also talked about t-shirts. I don't know what's going to happen with that.

GlassesGirl and MusicalHippyDude came in just before I left. I guess they had a party Saturday night and tried, in vain, to contact me. I told them that it was nice of them to think of me.

I guess that's it. Would the last person to leave please turn out the lights?

posted by dave at 7:36 AM in category general

They just had one of those human-interest stories on the morning news.

The Possum Lady of Southern Indiana.

This old lady had possums all over the place! People bring her possums from all over the area! She let the vile things crawl all over her!

I guess I should applaud her. I could never do what she does. Those damn beady eyes...

Friday, April 21, 2006
posted by dave at 7:19 PM in category general

...I am not dead.

That's too bad, actually, because now I'm left with no reasonable excuse whatsoever for not posting anything for two days.

The truth is, I've done nothing but work and watch TV and sleep.

Sunday, April 16, 2006
posted by dave at 7:37 PM in category general

When I went back to my room to get my ticket to the game, my phone started vibrating.

It was SassyGirl!

Yay!

She's not dead after all!

Yay!

I guess she just took a little trip, and even though she thought she'd told everybody that she was going, she actually didn't tell a single solitary soul.

I wasn't the only one that was worried.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006
posted by dave at 1:21 AM in category general

I just had to go and write about how my sleep was back to normal.

So, just to teach me a lesson for being too satisfied with my life, the universe decided to knock me out at 7:30 and not let me wake up until 12:30.

So now I'm sort of upside-down again, at least for tonight.

That'll teach me.

Now, now I'm going to drink a beer. A good one, but not the Alaskan Smoked Porter. Not yet. I'm going to drink a beer and then I'm going to try to write a decent entry.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006
posted by dave at 7:02 PM in category general

I still haven't been able to get close to the new black cat that lives under my deck, but the neighbors who had their house burn down have a cat, and he's been coming over to see me lately. So that's cool. I like cats.

---

It's supposed to be 90 degrees in St. Louis this Friday. I guess I'll be wearing shorts and blinding everyone.

---

It's been almost 14 years since I've explored the area around Scott AFB Illinois. I'll probably get totally lost.

---

I think I'm taking Thursday off too. That would mean that tomorrow will be virtual Friday, so yay!

---

I've got one bottle of Alaskan Smoked Porter left in my fridge. I really really really want to drink it, but it's the last one, and hhere probably won't be any more until the Fall, so I have to wait. Waiting sucks. ANd don't give me that good things come... bullshit either. I'm not in the mood.

---

This time of year is that annoying season when I still need to have the heat on at night, but if I forget to set it to A/C before I leave in the mornings I roast to death when I get home.

---

I used to have this friend named SassyGirl, but I'm pretty sure she must have died in the storms last week because she hasn't fucking called me back to let me know she's alive.

She was cool. I'll miss her.

---

HatGirl told me that she's got some classes or something coming up so she's basically never going to Rich O's again in her life. I'm thinking that this doesn't change much.

---

My sleep schedule is totally back to normal now.

---

People are PMing me to yell at me for not updating my pool 'blog very often. I wonder how come nobody yells at me about the cat 'blog. That damn thing hasn't been updated since like last Summer.

---

If I were truly the stat whore that some people think I am then I'd have posted each one of these tidbits as a separate entry.

Monday, April 10, 2006
posted by dave at 7:27 AM in category general

I wonder why it is that the only people you see eating Lean Cuisine are fat people. Shouldn't there be some skinny people eating it if it's such a great product?

I also wonder if fat people are ever embarrassed to buy the stuff. It seems to me that when you're loading your shopping cart up with Lean Cuisine you might as well wear a t-shirt that says Danger, wide load or something.

Or maybe it could be one of those shirts with the arrows that points to the side but instead of I'm with stupid or whatever it could say I was with somebody. He was delicious.

I think that Lean Cuisine should be sold in plain brown wrappers so fat people aren't forced to call any extra attention to themselves.

And don't even get me started on those adult diaper things.

Saturday, April 8, 2006
posted by dave at 2:35 PM in category general

This morning I went and had my oil changed in my truck in preparation for next weekend's St. Louis trip.

There was a dude in the waiting room with me and, I shit you not, he kept mumbling over and over and over, "You are my world Jesus I trust you with all my heart."

This guy mumbled this phrase every 15 to 20 seconds for the entire hour that I was there. At first, I thought he was talking to me, and I figured he was in for a huge disappointment soon.

I was also thinking that, if the guy had looked Arabic, and if he'd been mumbling to Allah over and over like that, I'd have figured him for a suicide bomber about to blow the Valvoline Instant Oil Change place off the face of the Earth.

This bothers me that I felt this way. I mean, this fucker was obviously insane, but he was also clearly harmless. Give the same guy a different religion and a darker skin tone and I'd have been nervous as fuck.

posted by dave at 10:36 AM in category comics, drink, general

I guess I should start the Friday report with the weather.

Around 3:00 is when the tornado warnings and severe thunderstorm warnings started hitting the area. I was working, but some people glued themselves to the local radar pages on the Internet. I overheard some people talking about tennis ball-sized hail in Georgetown. Even though these things are usually an exaggeration I used it as an excuse to leave and go see if my house had any busted windows or skylights.

It must have been a different Georgetown, because there was no hail at my house. The few leaves that have made an appearance this Spring are still on the trees, and any hail at all would have torn them down.

So I took a nap on my couch, and woke up at 7:30 to the sounds of my phone ringing and thunder rumbling. The call was from my sister, but when I tried to call her back I got no answer. I figured she was calling to make sure I knew about the weather, because when I turned on the TV there were huge red blobs all over the radar.

Nothing much happened at my house though. Just a lot of rain - and even the rain wasn't that impressive.

Once the red blobs had all moved East of me I took a shower and went to Rich O's.

The place was fairly full, and it seemed more full than it was because a lot of the PBDs were just standing around getting in everyone's way. I sat at the loveseat and had myself a BBC Jefferson's Reserve Bourbon Barrel Stout (100) and talked with HotEuchreGirl for a bit.

i smell a setup coming

WomanRepellant came in and we bullshitted some too. He told me at first that HatGirl had been in last Friday, so I spent a few agonizing minutes torturing myself with thoughts of her being at Rich O's but not talking to me, but then we figured out that she had really been in on Saturday when I was at SassyGirl's party, so the suicide has been postponed.

That was a joke.

My second beer was a new one they're brewing at Rich O's:

NABC St. Radegund Bitter (10)

(cask) I guess I was expecting something bitter. You know, because of the name of the beer. This wasn't bitter at all. The aroma was malty and a little flowery. My first impression of the flavor was that it was watery. That watery impression did fade by the time I finished the glass. This beer is very easy to drink. Not my favorite though.
After a while a couple of strangers left so I moved over to the throne and ordered a half-pint of Stone Smoked Porter (200). This was the first time I'd had this on tap, and it was quite good.

My last beer was going to be another half-pint of the BBC bourbon stuff (104), but MixedSignalGirl called me so I only had a few sips.

Thursday, April 6, 2006
posted by dave at 12:47 PM in category general

If I did everything that you think I should do, and I did them the way you think they should be done, then you'd have to find something else to be all smug and self-righteous about.

I'm doing you a favor by being imperfect in your eyes.

Also, get over yourself.

posted by dave at 4:47 AM in category general

If I did everything that you think I should do, and I did them the way you think they should be done, then you'd have to find something else to be all smug and self-righteous about.

I'm doing you a favor by being imperfect in your eyes.

Also, get over yourself.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006
posted by dave at 6:41 PM in category drink, general

So I figure I'll make an attempt to stay up a little bit later this evening. It's Wednesday and I only have two nights to get back in sync with the rest of the world.

It has been nice getting plenty of sleep for the last few nights though.

Today, I ate lunch at Buckhead's with some work people.

I almost never eat lunch on a weekday, but I've been craving a Buckhead's Cajun burger for several weeks now, plus I've been asked by a friend of mine to stay away from that place at night, plus the other work guys were going there.

So I went.

My food was yummy, as was the Stone Smoked Porter (190) I had with it. Even though they had it on tap, for some reason the waitress gave me a bottle. I didn't drink the whole bottle though, just 20 ounces of it.

After work, I tried to call SassyGirl, but got no answer.

I went to Rich O's and sat at the bar and had a Spezial (1150) which was yummy. There were about a zillion loud fuckers over by the island. The bartender told me they were good people though so I didn't scowl at them too much. Plus one of the girls was kinda hot.

PatronizingAsshole came in and sat beside me at one point and proceeded to lecture the bartender on how he should go to Dublin and learn how to pour a pint of Guinness. I hate that guy so much. He wasn't even drinking Guinness - he just saw fit to be a dick. There's not a damn thing wrong with the way any of the bartenders at Rich O's pour a pint.

I came home to a clean house and a mowed lawn. That was pretty nice, and well worth the money I spend so I don't have to do that shit myself. This was the first lawn mowing this season for those of you keeping score at home.

Man I'm bored.

I need to find something to do or I'll get sleepy and that'll ruin my grand plan to stay up until at least 10:00 tonight.

You know what's funny?

I miss MixedSignalGirl more than I miss LaptopGirl.

Fuck, I even miss HatGirl more than I miss LaptopGirl.

Maybe I've been abducted by aliens and replaced by a pod person.

But wouldn't I, of all people, know it if that were the case?

I don't really feel like a pod person, I'm just acting like one.

Oh yeah, HatGirl is having a yard party, but I'll be in St. Louis that weekend. Sucks to be me.

Man I'm bored. And tired.

Tuesday, April 4, 2006
posted by dave at 4:06 AM in category general

Nine hours of sleep. Wow. After ten hours of sleep the night before.

A guy could get used to this.

Now, if I could only figure out how to do it during normal hours.

Monday, April 3, 2006
posted by dave at 4:47 AM in category general

So I've been pulling hairs out of my mouth since Sunday morning.

Gross, I know, but also strange because I haven't the slightest idea where it's all coming from.

Maybe some supermodel is sneaking into my bedroom and having her way with me, or maybe the cat hair in my house has developed sentience and is trying to kill me.

---

I slept for 10 hours Sunday evening. Now I probably won't sleep again until Wednesday or so, because I've already used up half my weekly sleep quota.

It would be nice if sleep worked that way. I'd get all of my sleep out of the way on Monday and Tuesday then I'd stay awake for the rest of the week. Somebody should look into why we can't do this.

---

I've been feeling a lot lately like this journal needs to come to an end. I nearly deleted it Sunday morning but if I'd done it then it would have been out of anger and that's not a very good reason to do anything.

I really don't like being angry at people that have never been anything but nice to me.

---

It looks like I'll be going to St. Louis for my Easter trip this year. That's assuming that I remember to get the oil changed in my truck this coming weekend.

---

I'm pretty sure that I'm in denial. There is just no way that I can be okay with this. I need to tie a string around my finger or something to remind me that I'll probably die at any moment.

---

Polly's Freeze reopened this past Thursday, but I haven't made it over there yet. Hopefully this weekend I'll go there for lunch.

---

I was thinking about how, at the end of Titanic, that chick kept saying "Come back!" over and over and over to get the lifeboats to return. That was so sad. Part of me still hopes for rescue. That's even sadder because I don't think it's going to happen for me.

---

I'm craving White Castles right now. I think I'll go. They have breakfast thingies too. Maybe I'll get some of those.

Saturday, April 1, 2006
posted by dave at 5:40 AM in category general

I almost never do that. Write an entry, then post it, then wake up four hours later and delete the thing.

I almost never do it.

So, if you know what I'm talking about, you should consider yourself lucky I suppose.

posted by dave at 12:55 AM in category general

Okay, now I'm pissed.

Not at all of you. Not even at most of you.

Just some.

Just those of you in that subset of the population of this country that are mindless idiots. Unable to form actual opinions of your own, you instead allow talking heads on television to tell you what to think.

You know who you are.

All of you sheep, please, fuck off and die now.

Thursday, March 30, 2006
posted by dave at 11:38 PM in category general

Tomorrow I have to change cubicles.

This really blows. Partly because I had one of the best cubicles on the floor - one of the few where you can sit facing the traffic flow instead of always having your back to part of it - but also because I won't get to sit next to EwokGirl anymore. She's moving to the other side of the building, and I'm moving just one row over next to this old man who is quite a good guy but who probably won't appreciate my running commentary on the idiots of the world.

I'll also have to cut way back on my complaining about how much Lotus Notes sucks. Not because it doesn't suck, but because the language that I typically use to describe how much it sucks, and what it sucks, well that language is really not suitable for my new high-traffic location.

posted by dave at 6:42 PM in category general

People that I hate:

1. Whores

2. Fuckheads

3. Sluts

4. Whores again

This list is not all-inclusive.

Monday, March 27, 2006
posted by dave at 5:39 PM in category general

...here are some things that made me feel good today:

1. I got a bunch of anonymous messages and emails all containing wonderful words of encouragement.

2. A hot girl sent me a picture of herself in a bikini.

3. HatGirl is finally back from her vacation.

4. It was actually halfway warm outside.

posted by dave at 5:22 PM in category general

Three times today, I went and pushed the elevator button, and three times the door opened immediately. That means that the elevator was already on my floor, right?

Then why was there somebody in the damn thing? How long had they been there? What were they doing in there?

This kind of shit bugs me.

Saturday, March 25, 2006
posted by dave at 1:09 AM in category general

I suppose that I could accept certain things as normal, given the circumstances, but what fun would that be?

So, instead, I choose to be offended. Like this:

You stuck up bitch! You think you're so special? I got your "special" hanging right here!

Ha ha.

Just kidding.

I truly could not expend any less effort toward caring about your stoicism. Please get over yourself, and do it quickly before you truly become the person you are, right now, pretending to be.

Nobody likes that bitch very much.

Thursday, March 23, 2006
posted by dave at 3:26 AM in category general

10. I'll wait for you.

I never saw her again.

9. As soon as I'm ready, you'll be the first to know.

I was maybe the second to know, after her new boyfriend.

8. I miss you.

She missed my money.

7. You can trust me this time.

No, I couldn't.

6. You're imagining things.

No, I wasn't.

5. It was tough, but I'm doing fine now.

She killed herself.

4. But we're friends!

Whatever we were, it wasn't friends.

3. I think that we can make this work.

She was already plotting her escape.

2. I won't leave without giving you a chance to say goodbye, not again.

She did it again.

1. I do.

No, she didn't.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006
posted by dave at 2:27 AM in category general

I really like this upside-down sleep schedule I've been on lately during the work week

There's just something about being able to go to sleep when I'm tired - like when I first get home from work - that makes me feel like I have a little bit of power over my life.

Then, I can wake up at midnight or whenever, and watch my tivoed TV shows and read a little and maybe even write a little bit myself and I can do all of those things while I'm fairly alert and awake.

Or, if the mood strikes me, I can sleep all fucking night. It's my life, and my choice.

Of course nothing is perfect. I still have to flip my schedule back around in time for the weekends. That hasn't proved to be too tough so far though. All I need is the willpower to get off the damn couch no later than 8:00 on Thursday night.

Man, this was an exciting entry.

Sunday, March 19, 2006
posted by dave at 8:31 PM in category general

In my little notebook, written between the 10:21 entry and the 10:25 entry from last night, is the following.

Hey asshole! Write about opportunities, golden or otherwise.
Little notes like that one are supposed to be the reason I have that notebook. The only reason. I'm not supposed to use it, as I did in preparing the previous entry, to jot down the incredibly boring minutiae of my life. Nope, it's supposed to be for writing down those ideas and those fleeting inspirations that show up randomly, disappear quickly, and that if stirred and shaken just right might be prove to be worthy of an entire entry.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: Except that one time that I wrote an entry about being in a plane while I was actually flying in the thing. That was useful, and it killed some time.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: That girl was hot. I wonder what happened to her.

I remember writing that little note about opportunities to myself last night. I remember thinking that it was a good idea for an entry. I do not, unfortunately, remember why I thought it was a good idea. I mean, I must have had something in mind.

Thursday, March 16, 2006
posted by dave at 6:06 AM in category general

I've lost the desire to do this journal thingy.

I'm sure that this is just temporary.

Unless it's not.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006
posted by dave at 2:21 AM in category general

I had a dental cleaning and checkup today.

I've decided that it's a good thing I'm not gay.

My gag reflex is much too strong.

I'd be the most miserable gay guy ever.

Saturday, March 11, 2006
posted by dave at 11:56 PM in category general

I remember when I used to be able to come home from the bar and write out halfway decent crap. Tonight makes two nights in a row in which I'm afraid to write anything for fear of making things worse than they already are.

Yeah, like that's fucking possible.

Friday, March 10, 2006
posted by dave at 11:42 PM in category general

There's a saying.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then say nothing at all.

Or something like that.

I think that will be my motto for tonight.

Thursday, March 9, 2006
posted by dave at 2:40 AM in category general

Every now and then, not as often as before but still often enough to be noticeable, I feel a little bit like a fly on a plate.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: That sentence really seems familiar to me. Not the words, but the general flow of the thing. I think it might remind me of Moby Dick. I'm not intentionally plagiarizing anyone though, so I guess it's okay.

Years and years ago, when I used to be one of the best pool players in whatever bar I happened to be shooting and/or hanging out in, I guess I got used to that feeling. Of being in the spotlight. Of everybody watching me. All the time.

I guess I got used to it, and I guess I kinda liked it even. It probably motivated me to excellence and shit.

But that was a long time ago. In the years since then, the spotlights have come from completely different directions, for completely different reasons.

These days, my friends at Rich O's often look to me to set the mood. To tell the jokes. To keep them entertained. These days, more often than I really care to speculate on, I seem to be in charge of whether my friends enjoy themselves.

Talk about pressure!

For the most part, I think, my friends eventually figure out that I'm a bit of an asshole. At that point they either stop talking to me or they at least stop relying on me to be their only source of entertainment. This is perfectly fine with me. I cannot be "on" all of the time. It's exhausting.

My family is an entirely different matter.

The thing about my sisters, and of course I love them like sisters, is that they just don't seem able to accept the fact that I'm not the same person that they know from before. Hell, I'm not even close.

Back then, I was introverted, and friendly, and caring, and patient.

These days, these days I'm not.

Patient? I don't have fucking time for that.

Caring? What's in it for me?

Friendly? As long as you can prove that you're not an idiot within 10 seconds of meeting me.

Introverted? Okay, fine. That's still there. It's just not as noticeable as it used to be.

So, basically, like I said up above, I'm an asshole. I'm self-centered, and I'm kind of a beer snob, and I'm so easily annoyed by strangers that I make Boo Radley seem like Richard Simmons in comparison.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: Mr. Simmons was just the most extroverted person I could think of on such short notice. There are probably several people who would be better suited for the purpose for which I wrote the above.

Anyway.

This weekend my sister Neisha is supposed to be coming to Rich O's. This is such a fantastic and rare occasion that I'm a little worried that the denizens of Hell may be at risk from frostbite.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: Now would be a really good time to open a Winter clothing store in Hell. Or maybe go down there and hang a shingle proclaiming myself as a personal injury attorney. But then again, Hell is probably already full of lawyers, so I should just stick with the Winter clothing store idea.

So, even though it's still three days away, and I remain aware anything could happen between now and then, I'm a little excited about the prospect of Neisha coming into Rich O's.

I'm also a little nervous about it.

Not because my sister is coming. Nope, I'm a little nervous because she's bringing a friend. She's bringing a friend from out of town specifically to meet me.

Talk about pressure!

I have no idea what my sister has told her friend about me. I can only imagine. Probably the usual stuff.

Dave is funny.

Dave is charming.

Dave is smart.

Dave can juggle.

Dave walks on water and performs other miracles.

At least I don't have to worry about the Dave is HOT thing because (a) I'm not hot, and (b) it's my sister.

Saturday night, I need to be on my best behavior. Saturday night, I need to do whatever I can do to keep my sister from being called a liar.

Saturday night, I need to be on.

Wednesday, March 8, 2006
posted by dave at 10:59 PM in category general

This isn't really an entry.

I'd planned on writing a real entry tonight, but now I'm not so sure that either of the ideas I had are worthy of your majesties' attention.

Maybe I'll have a beer and see how I feel after that.

Tuesday, March 7, 2006
posted by dave at 12:11 PM in category general

1. Get dressed.
2. Drive to store to buy a soda.
3. Talk to cute girl that works at store.
4. Drive to work.
5. Walk into work.
6. Attend a meeting at work.
7. Go to the bathroom.
8. Look in mirror.
9. Notice that your shirt is on inside-out.

posted by dave at 1:56 AM in category general

There's this thing that I want.

This desire started, I dunno, maybe last Wednesday or so. And it's become stronger every minute of every hour of every day since then.

I actually want one so badly that I've found myself tempted to ask for it here in this journal. I know that several of these things must exist - I only want one. I'll even settle for a copy of one.

I know that there are probably several of my readers that can get one for me. I mean local readers, not the ones scattered all over creation.

I really can't just ask though. It wouldn't be proper at all. I'm thinking that I may try to trick someone into giving me one.

Somebody here in New Albany might be, right now, reading this entry while in possession of that which I crave. If you're out there, and you've been reading me long enough, you may even be able to guess what it is that I want.

If you're out there, and you have one, why not help a guy out?

Monday, March 6, 2006
posted by dave at 5:33 AM in category general

Even though I won't be using these characters in my comics, I still think they're kind of cute, and I thought I'd show all of the ones I made over the past few days.

me
This is me.

SassyGirl
SassyGirl, who will finally be back from Peru on Wednesday. This is exactly what her new hairstyle looks like.

MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl. I was being very optimistic when I made this on the off chance that she'd actually show up in one of my comics again.

LaptopGirl
This is supposed to be LaptopGirl. See the part about optimism above and multiply times about a gazillion. Her hair is too long here, but I suppose it might have grown since the last time I saw her.

EwokGirl
This is EwokGirl, who I work with. The hair isn't even close to her real hair.

HatGirl
This is HatGirl. Lovely, isn't she?

DooRagGirl
DooRagGirl has had a major haircut. This is what she looked like before. She's going to make me change this. Not so much because of the hair, but because of what she's wearing.

New DooRagGirl
Okay, my instructions were as follows: ANYTHING but pink, but I usually wear black, sometimes grey, sometimes brown, sometimes blue, just never pink. I wouldn't be caught dead in pink. I fixed the hair too.

Sunday, March 5, 2006
posted by dave at 3:30 PM in category general

Today would have been my 21st wedding anniversary.

This doesn't bother me at all, and it hasn't in well over a decade.

I'd take a thousand March 5ths over a single November 14th, and I'd take a billion March 5ths over a single October 9th.

I wonder if there'll ever be a date that overshadows those two.

I fucking hope not.

Thursday, March 2, 2006
posted by dave at 6:46 AM in category general

i really have a shirt like that

I just might go and make South Park images of all of my friends so I can use them in my comics.

I just might.

Unless it's too hard.

Monday, February 27, 2006
posted by dave at 8:36 PM in category comics, general

those should just about cover everything

On Wednesday, SassyGirl and TacoBell are flying to Peru.

This seems like a strange thing to do, but then again I might just be jealous.

I asked them what their plans are for while they're down there, and I was told something like, "Ride a llama, sleep on a llama, have sex on a llama, and eat a llama."

So that settles it. I'm definitely jealous.

Hasta la vista, chicas!

posted by dave at 4:02 AM in category general

BamaGirl: One of the newer regulars at Rich O's. Married to BamaGuy. She used to have a terrible nickname but I changed it after I'd spoken to her a few times. Very sweet. This nickname is because of where they're from.

BigWheelGirl: One of LaptopGirl's friends. She drove us to see Screech. The nickname is because of a story that LaptopGirl told me.

Bubbles: A Rich O's regular. She just has a bubbly personality.

CanadianGirl: She used to work at my company, and she'd show up at Rich O's every now and then. She moved to Omaha. The nickname is because she's from Canada originally.

CannonGirl: Another name for TrainGirl. She used to work at this historical place with cannons.

CuteAsFuckGirl: She grew up in Washington County. She wants me. The nickname is self-explanatory.

CuteBlonde: One of the regulars at Rich O's. She's married to some guy who's name I can never remember. Another nickname that needs no explanation.

Dina: My sister.

DooRagGirl: FutureDude's girlfriend. DooRagGirl was also one of the first people I ever met at Rich O's. She was friends with my sister Neisha back in High School. She used to wear these scarves on her head all the time. She hardly ever does anymore though.

EnglishGirl: I spent several hours talking with her in Boston. Extremely nice. I should have given her my email address. She's from England.

EwokGirl: Our cubicles are next to each other. Sometimes she brings me free germs. She told me to use EwokGirl as a nickname.

ExoticGirl: A smoldering hot girl that comes into Rich O's sometimes. She's married. She's got sort of a Middle Eastern look to her, hence ExoticGirl.

FilleFransaiseSexy: One time, CanadianGirl brought some French people into Rich O's. I asked one of the French dudes how to say "hot French girl" in French, and this nickname is the result.

GlassesGirl: Another friend of Neisha's from childhood. Now she's dating MusicalHippyDude. She wants a new nickname because she doesn't wear glasses any more.

HatGirl: A smoldering hot girl that I have a bit of a crush on. She has a boyfriend named LuckyFucker. The nickname is because she likes to wear hats. Bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?

HotBartender: She worked at The Great Lost Bear in Portland Maine when I was there. The nickname is self-explanatory.

HotEuchreGirl: Just this girl that I've talked to a couple of times and that played euchre with us one night. I think she's dating LonerBoy. She's hot, and she plays euchre.

HotRedHead: GlassesGirl's friend. She's dating one of the bartenders. The only girl with red hair that I've ever found attractive. Self-explanatory.

HotRedHeadGirl: See HotRedHead.

KidneyGirl: Just this weird girl that may or may not have tried to pick me up at The Pub once. The nickname is because of the old urban legend about waking up in a tub of ice with your kidney missing.

LaptopGirl: Sigh. There's nothing I feel like writing here. The nickname is because she was typing into a laptop the first time I saw her. Great, now I'm sad.

LibertyGirl: A semi-regular at Rich O's. She has a 'blog, but she never updates it. The nickname is a bit of a play on her real name.

LibraryGirl: A friend of SassyGirl. She works at the library.

MaineGirl: A really cool chick that I spent several hours talking to in Portland last Spring.

MisunderstoodGirl: One of my good friends that I never get to see any more. She used to work at Rich O's, and she used to be SassyGirl's girlfriend. Now she never comes around at all and I miss her. I call her this because many people don't make the effort to get to know her, and so they never understand her at all.

MixedSignalGirl: Sigh. My ex-girlfriend. I really let her down I'm afraid. The nickname is because of a malfunctioning traffic light we encountered on our first date.

Neisha: My youngest sister.

OddlyFamiliarGirl: This is DooRagGirl's sister. That's why she looked familiar.

PictureGirl: I had a fling/thing with her in Las Vegas. Just cute as hell. The nickname is sort of from how we met.

PigtailGirl: I had a one night stand with her in Las Vegas. She's from Portland Maine. She had pigtails.

ProbableLesbian: This girl used to come in to Rich O's all the time, but I haven't seen her in months. A self-explanatory nickname.

RealTrainGirl: See SassyGirl.

RedHairGirl: See HotRedHead.

RedRoomGirl: Just this chick that was hot that sat in the red room one night.

RioGirl: We went swimming together, and she told me that she liked my hair when it was mussed up. She worked at The Rio in Las Vegas.

RockGirl: My kindred spirit. I've never met her in real life though - I just know her from the Internet. The nickname is because she sent me a rock.

SassyGirl: My lesbian girlfriend. She used to be TrainGirl's girlfriend, and she was MisunderstoodGirl's girlfriend for a while. One of my best friends at Rich O's. Her nickname is because of this new short hairstyle she's sporting.

SpoonsGirl: My sister Dina's friend. The nickname is from a very dark day in her life.

StupidGirl: Just this waitress in Las Vegas. She was stupid.

SunburnGirl: See MisunderstoodGirl. One night I changed everybody's nicknames, just to mix things up a little.

TacoBell: SassyGirl's new girlfriend. Works at (duh) Taco Bell. Has a very pretty smile.

TallLady: One of the regulars at Rich O's. Very nice except when she's trying to get me to smile, then she's too pushy. The nickname is because, duh, she's tall. Like over six feet I think.

TracingGirl: See VigilanteGirl. One night I changed everybody's nicknames, just to mix things up a little.

TrainGirl: She used to be SassyGirl's girlfriend. She was really nice to talk to, but she moved away so I don't get to see her any more. When I first met her, I got her and SassyGirl mixed up, so I thought she worked for the railroad. Once I found out that I'd mixed them up it was too late to swap nicknames.

VigilanteGirl: We used to flirt with each other a lot. Now, not so much. The nickname is from a story she told me when we met about chasing down some gas thieves from where she works.

WorldsHottestGirl: She used to come into Rich O's a lot, but she stopped. The nickname is self-explanatory.

ZodiacGirl: See LaptopGirl. Sigh. One night I changed everybody's nicknames, just to mix things up a little.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006
posted by dave at 7:22 PM in category general

If I live through this weekend, then I may truly be invincible.

posted by dave at 7:39 AM in category general

I've been tagged to do this by stardancer2023.

  1. I'm not really sure what I've been tagged to do. Write random crap, I guess. Just like always.

  2. I'm going to count that last one, and this one too.

  3. I told EwokGirl that some chick came by her desk to see her yesterday. I told her that she had brown hair and smiled a lot. This wasn't good enough for EwokGirl. Some people are just never satisfied. I mean, what does she want, the girl's name or something?

  4. SassyGirl called me last night and told me that Rich O's had reduced the seating in the living room area by getting new, smaller, furniture. This strikes me as a wonderful idea. Not.

  5. My surprisaphobia will peak this weekend, and then hopefully fade back to normal after that.

  6. Is there a minimum number of these I'm supposed to do?

  7. I'm going to count that one too, and this one. So ha ha.

  8. This weekend is the start of Gravity Head at Rich O's, and I have to work. Just like I had to work in December when Saturnalia started.

  9. I've got like eight hours of American Idol on my TiVo that I haven't watched yet.

  10. I think that's it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006
posted by dave at 7:43 AM in category comics, general

over and over and over again

She's right, of course.

I sometimes wonder what I'm doing here.

I mean, I know why I started doing this. I started doing this just because I wanted to keep an online diary. Nothing fancy. Nothing special. Nothing interesting.

But sometime over the past couple of years my reason evolved into something else. Something much more difficult. Something much more rewarding.

At some point I went from wanting to write, to wanting to be a writer. Every now and then I feel like I manage that feat, but not as often as I'd like. And certainly never without some emotion behind it, fueling the words.

So I let my feelings start to flow again, and I wait for inspiration. Beyond that, I wait for new inspiration. And I get nothing but the same old crap that I've already rehashed so often that even I'm bored with it.

And this makes me wonder. It makes me wonder what I'm doing here.

posted by dave at 1:56 AM in category general

In four minutes, I'll have gone another birthday without a greeting from her.

It astonishes me that I somehow manage to be surprised by this.

Again.

Sunday, February 19, 2006
posted by dave at 1:50 PM in category general

Just a couple of things that I didn't write about already.

In December, when I was in Las Vegas, My friend Eric and his wife were, unbeknownst to me, also in Las Vegas. This sucks that they were there and I didn't know about it. It would have been so much fun to hang out and do touristy stuff with them!

One of the nice things about this, um, emotional reversion I've done is that not much can really bother me. It's given me a nice sense of perspective. Stuff that a couple of weeks ago would have pissed me off or made me sad - it is all nothing when I compare it to what I've already been though, and what I'm going through again.

So, world, throw your worst at me, you fucker. I can take it.

Having said that, it is a little annoying how I continue to find myself attracted to women that are inappropriate or unavailable. This is a defense mechanism that I'd really like to shake off.

I guess that's it.

Saturday, February 18, 2006
posted by dave at 6:23 PM in category general

Got out of the shower to the sound of my ringing phone.

It was MisunderstoodGirl!

Yay!

I haven't talked to her since forever. She was sitting at Rich O's talking to a couple of PBDs, and they told her that they were there for my pre-birthday thingy. She won't be able to stay, but she wanted to call and wish me a happy birthday. That was sweet.

Anyway, besides the coolness of hearing from MisunderstoodGirl, there was another thing I got out of that phone call.

There are people that are there already. At 6:00.

I won't get there until after 7:00 myself, so they'll just have to wait.

The other, more general thing I got out of that phone call is kinda scary.

There are going to be people there. To see me.

I used to, back when I was playing pool publicly, I used to enjoy being the center of attention. Now, not so much. Or not at all.

Plus, I've got a mild case of surprisaphobia going on.

I told RockGirl that I should just stay home, but she told me not to be a dork. So I'm of course going.

I'll just keep an eye on the exits, just in case.

posted by dave at 12:52 AM in category general

I got a PM today, basically telling me that whoever it was liked me better when I'd been drinking because, and I'll go ahead and quote here, "You write much more good stuff when you have dranked alot and your drunk."

Okay, so I'll be a nice guy and ignore the obvious problems with this statement, and I'll instead focus on the underlying message.

Such as it is.

You, whoever you are, you are right, for the most part. I do write better when I've been drinking. I know this, and anyone that's been reading me for any length of time knows this. When I've been drinking, words flow out of me much more easily. When I've been drinking, my inhibitions are either lessened or completely neutered. When I've been drinking, what I write is always a lot closer to what I want to write than it would be otherwise.

So, I have no problem with anyone thinking that I write better when I've been drinking. Hell, I agree with them when they say that.

What I have a problem with, what I take slight umbrage with, what I simply must disagree with, is that I write better when I'm drunk.

The problem I have is this: I've never written a single word here when I was drunk.

The reason for this is simple. I don't get drunk. I am waaaaaaaay too much of a lightweight to ever get drunk, and on those very very rare occasions that I do drink too much, I find myself too busy trying to cope with the swirling and spinning world around me to even consider writing anything.

So there.

And thanks for reading.

Friday, February 17, 2006
posted by dave at 7:42 AM in category general

I'm no longer upside-down on my sleep schedule. I managed to get back to normal last night. That's a good thing because I wanted to be able to go out tonight and tomorrow night.

Speaking of tomorrow, some people are supposed to go to Rich O's to pre-celebrate my birthday. I'm oddly nervous about this, as my family and my friends do not often interact. Maybe I should just stay home and let everybody sit around Rich O's and tell embarrassing stories about me.

I'm having a hard time deciding where I want to go for my Easter trip this year. I'm pretty much sticking with East coast cities, but if I want to arrive at a decent hour on Friday, and get home at a reasonable hour on Sunday, well it just doesn't seem to be possible. Maybe I'll just drive to Cleveland instead. Or St. Louis. But I'd really rather choose someplace I have to fly to. I dunno.

Meanwhile.

This is one thing that is certainly not my fault. I am, for once, not the bad guy. So people really need to stop looking at me like that.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006
posted by dave at 4:24 AM in category general

Everybody's knocking Valentine's Day.

It's The Big Thing, being all noncommercial and shit. Plus, some people think that they're being nonconformists by ripping on this holiday, so that makes them feel special.

Well, I just want to say, even though I haven't felt this way every year, I just want to say that I wish I had a special someone with whom I could exchange little tokens of affection and maybe take out to a nice dinner.

So what if it's become a Hallmark holiday? That doesn't erase its underlying message. That doesn't mean you have to stop observing it. That doesn't have to mean that your feelings for that special person are superficial as well.

Get over yourselves with your jadedness and your superiority.

I wish I had someone to share this day with, and I bet most of you, that don't already have someone, I bet most of you do as well.

Sunday, February 12, 2006
posted by dave at 10:12 PM in category general

Everybody go here and dance with Neela!

Saturday, February 11, 2006
posted by dave at 1:09 AM in category general

If anyone had seen me, back then, I know exactly what they'd have wondered.

What the hell is Dave doing in Plattsmouth?

That confusion might well have been universal, for I certainly felt it myself. And, after me and my anonymous questioner, who was there? Who else mattered?

The Platte River makes its way Eastward through Nebraska, beginning who knows or cares where, and ending by dumping itself into the Missouri River. Near that junction is a small town called Plattsmouth.

The Platte is not much of a river. Wide enough, to be sure, but very shallow. I've been told that anyone with a sturdy enough four-wheel-drive vehicle, and sufficient cojones, can simply drive across the thing. Not that I'd ever attempt such a feat. Not me. I'd be the guy that failed, and that somehow got washed away by that sluggish yet steady flow.

So, not much of a river, and that town named after its mouth was not much of a town. Two main streets - three if you drank enough beer and squinted at the map just right.

At the corner of those two streets was a grocery store, and that grocery store was where I found myself one night back in 1987.

I had a reason for being there, you see. Two reasons, actually. The two most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen in my life. To be honest, the two most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, before or since.

Those eyes belonged to a girl, of course. A girl that I'm quite tempted to name right here and right now. But I won't. If she reads this, then she'll know that it's her in this story. If anyone else reads this, they won't care what her name was. Her name was important to me, and I'm assuming that it was important to her, but to everyone else it really doesn't matter.

What matters is that she was as beautiful as any movie star, and that she had eyes that were beyond description.

I'd met her a few weeks earlier, at a bar up near the base where I was stationed. We'd talked for a bit - I don't remember what we'd talked about. Probably just mundane bullshit. But at one point during the evening, she'd told me where she worked. A little grocery store in a little town called Plattsmouth.

I knew nothing of her work schedule, but fate smiled upon me that night. I entered the store and there she was, working one of the registers. I guess, if she hadn't been there, I'd have just gone back home.

She recognized me, and she took a break from her duties to walk and talk with me while I pretended to shop.

I paused for a while at the greeting card stand, and I searched for the card that I wanted.

She asked me if she could help me find what I was looking for.

So I said yes of course she could help. As a woman she would be the ideal person to pick out the card I was looking for. I told her that I'd met a girl. A girl with the most amazing eyes I'd ever seen. I told her that I didn't know the girl at all, but that I wanted to get her a card. Nothing that would freak her out. Something sweet. Something that would make it very clear that I was very interested in getting to know her better.

I tried to read her face as she listened to all this, but I couldn't read a thing. I couldn't get past her eyes.

Those damn brown eyes.

She did pick out a card for me, and when I opened it up and read what was inside I knew that it was the perfect card for the occasion.

She went back to her register, and I followed. I paid cash for the card and for the random crap I'd thrown into my cart, and I asked to borrow a pen.

I wish I could remember what I wrote. Probably some drivel. The point of what I wrote, the last sentence that I wrote, was this:

I told you I could be romantic.
Once I'd got my change back, and I'd given her pen back, I sealed the card up inside its envelope, and I handed it to her.

---

A few months later I was inside her, and I told her that I loved her.

---

A few years later I saw her at a gas station. She'd aged a lot, as had I. She was married, with a kid or two I think. I was trying to rebuild a life with my ex-wife. We exchanged pleasantries as we pumped gas into our cars, and that was it.

---

There was a time when I thought she was the love of my life. Maybe, back then, she really was. I think about her now, and I don't remember much about her. What she was like as a person. What she was like in bed. What she possibly saw in me.

What I remember, what I remember are those eyes.

Those damn brown eyes.

They haunt me sometimes.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006
posted by dave at 8:50 PM in category general, pictures

Because I'm on this poll again over at Ella's journal, I figured that I'd post some pictures.

I also owe you an evil update.

So I'll kill both birds with one stone.

I'm all efficient and shit.

Tonight I was downstairs making a little practice video for myself, and when I was finish with that, I took advantage of the camera and the lighting to check out my evilness.

muhaha
muhaha
muhaha
muhaha

I guess I'll keep it for a while longer. It's still got some filling in to do.

posted by dave at 12:55 AM in category general

...to be allergic to sleep?

Tuesday, February 7, 2006
posted by dave at 7:33 AM in category general

It will be better this time. This time, I'll be able to weather the storm. This time, I will not be washed away.

posted by dave at 7:16 AM in category general

I still manage to hold on to a smidgen of hope that this can all end well. Or end badly. I don't care as long as it fucking ends. If I continue to ignore it, and simply keep it bottled up, then it will be with me forever.

posted by dave at 7:00 AM in category general

I'm becoming worried that I may be about to be tested again. I'd like to be at least a little bit prepared for that test. I'll probably still fail, but maybe not quite as spectacularly.

posted by dave at 6:40 AM in category general

I was getting a little bit too complacent. I was patting myself on the back a little bit too much. Now, if I can do it again, then I might be justified in feeling a little smug.

posted by dave at 6:34 AM in category general

Sometimes I just think that this is the way things are suposed to be, and that fighting and ignoring the issue is useless.

posted by dave at 6:22 AM in category general

I'd rather face one large problem, even a huge problem, than a thousand tiny nuisances.

posted by dave at 6:12 AM in category general

I just think it would be better for everyone around me if I turn my anger back where it belongs for a while. Hating everyone and everything that I come in contact with, while loads of fun, just isn't a fair way to handle things. Refocusing my anger and disappointment back to myself, where it belongs, is the right thing to do at this time.

Monday, February 6, 2006
posted by dave at 5:10 PM in category general

I'm not, as it turns out, a complete robot. That's good news I suppose. Too bad it takes totally fucked up shit happening to get me to realize it.

And on a completely unrelated topic...

For the record, I want to state that this is a horrible, terrible, absolutely flat-out bad idea. Not quite as bad as going to that damn concert was, but still, just incredibly bad.

This will not end well.

posted by dave at 2:04 AM in category general

Okay, normal insomnia is bad enough, but this is sooooooooo much worse than normal insomnia.

I laid in bed, and for some reason, this stupid song got stuck in my head.

Now it won't leave.

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance

I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We're doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance

Safety dance
Is it safe to dance
Is it safe to dance

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Saturday, February 4, 2006
posted by dave at 2:12 PM in category general

How many false sunrises do I have to look at before I stop being fooled by them?

Friday, February 3, 2006
posted by dave at 1:16 AM in category comics, general

the horror!

No, my dad hasn't come back to life, reincarnated by some cruel twist of fate as a Bud Light drinker.

Though I suppose I wouldn't complain if that did happen. There are worse things to be reincarnated as. Pubic lice. Opossums. One of Michael Jackson's kids.

Anyway, that little scene depicted above happened back in 1995 or so. Dad's favorite beer, Falls City, had been sold and had its recipe changed. Out of protest Dad switched to Bud Light for a while. He liked to say that he only switched back once the recipe had been changed back to what it was, though I doubt that he really believed that.

I think he simply realized that, in his own way, he was a bit of a beer snob, and to drink mass-produced industrial swill, even in protest, was just too much for him to do.

I know the feeling. I'm a beer snob myself. The only difference is that I choose to drink good beers, while Dad was content to stick with what he'd grown up drinking.

Since I'm the son of an alcoholic, and since I'm also someone that's been known to imbibe occasionally myself, you might be surprised that in my life I only spent maybe six hours total in bars with my dad.

I spent the first fifteen years of my adult life living all over creation, and when I did come home to visit, I'd usually hang out with my sister Dina. Or, when Dad had some time off work, we'd go hang out at one of his places in the country.

When I did finally move back home, Dad died shortly afterwards. That sucked.

I've been thinking a lot today about Dad. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because a few days ago would have been his and Mom's 43rd wedding anniversary. Maybe because I'm tired of thinking about women. Maybe there's no reason except that I had a dream with him in it a couple of days ago.

I've often been accused, mainly by my youngest sister Neisha, of turning into my maternal grandfather. I guess this is because I'm a grouch sometimes, so I'll concede that there is some slight resemblance. Sometimes.

But the biggest resemblance, I like to think anyway, is with my dad.

I already know that many of my interests I got from him. I already know that we shared the same tastes in humor, and books, and movies. I already know that he was a romantic at heart, and that's something I've discovered about myself over the past couple of years. He valued his privacy, maybe even more than I do.

I know what kind of person he was. He was the best. But what I don't really know is what he was like. I mean, we'd hang out at his cabin or in his apartment, and we'd talk about whatever, but there was almost always that father/son vibe going on. I never really had many chances to see what he was like when he stepped outside of his role as my father.

I wish he was still alive. That goes without saying. I wish I'd had the chance to know him as others knew him. To know him as Dave instead of as Dad.

And that brings me back to the bar.

Did he, like me, have a few people who he'd hang out with, or was he more of an everybody's friend type of person? I'm certainly the former, but I don't know how Dad was.

Would he sit at the bar by himself, contemplating life, and be perfectly content doing it? Did he hate crowds of idiots as much as I do? Could he spend an entire night talking with a single person, and feel uncomfortable in a group of more than just a few people? Would he get quiet during those times and just listen to everyone else and make sarcastic comment in his head? When he got bored or disgusted or depressed, would he just get up and leave, like I do?

It really bothers me that I'll never know these things.

If Dad was alive, and we hung out at the same bar, would people guess that he was my father? There was certainly no physical resemblance, but what about the other things? Am I enough like him that people, upon hearing about our relationship, might nod their heads and say, "I knew there was something similar about you two!"

Could I go down to Ramsey's bar in Derby, and talk to one of the regulars there for a while, and have him say, "You know, you remind me a lot of a friend of mine. His name was Dave, too. He died seven or eight years ago. He was a great guy."

Do I carry enough of him around inside me that, in a way, he lives on even today?

I'd like to think so, but I just don't know. And now, now I doubt that I ever will.

Thursday, February 2, 2006
posted by dave at 7:15 AM in category general

There's something that you just don't seem to understand.

When you're in the elevator and it stops at your floor, and the doors open, you seem confused. Allow me to ease that confusion.

At that point, your job - nay, your sole reason for existing, is to get out of that elevator as efficiently as you can

Not to continue yakking with the person next to you.

Not to dig in your purse for your keys.

Not to slowly walk out with your friend while you continue yakking with her.

Not to slowly walk out backwards as you continue yakking with the person who is remaining on the elevator.

Not to almost leave the elevator, but then turn around and block the door so you can continue yakking with the person who is remaining on the elevator.

Just get out of the damn elevator so I, and the others that have been waiting, can get in and get on with our lives.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

You stupid bitch.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006
posted by dave at 7:44 AM in category general

Wow, I'm at 6,976 JournalSpace readers.

So I'll probably hit 7,000 sometime today.

For some reason, I want it to be for a real entry. Not a stupid list. Not a comic. I want it to be something a little bit deeper.

I don't really have anything deep, so this will have to do.

A friend and I have been discussing the ignore game lately. The ignore game is quite simple: Whoever initiates contact - an email, a phone call, a text message, whatever - gets one point. The goal of the ignore game is to have the lowest score.

I am a champion at this game.

I almost never contact anyone first. I always respond when contacted, but that's it. For me to actually initiate contact is pretty rare.

I guess I should point out that this game is played mainly against people with whom you have a crush or other romantic interest, or at least against someone who you suspect has such an interest in you. You play the game to find out if your opponent is interested in you or not. It's not as quick as simply asking, but it's a lot safer to the ego.

It is very important, and I cannot stress this enough - the other person must not know that you're playing.

Because then it's just a stubborn contest, and it can last for years.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006
posted by dave at 7:30 AM in category general

Because you know you care, here's every town I've ever lived in, in order:

Maplewood, Indiana: 1965-1966
Lanesville, Indiana: 1966-1971
Maplewood, Indiana: 1971-1983
San Antonio, Texas: 1983
Biloxi, Mississippi: 1983
Belleville, Illinois (3 places): 1983-1985
Mascoutah, Illinois: 1985-1986
Belleville, Illinois: 1986
Bellevue, Nebraska (4 places): 1986-1989
Plattsmouth, Nebraska: 1989-1991
Bellevue, Nebraska: 1991-1992
Auburn, Washington: 1992-1993
Kent, Washington: 1993-1994
Auburn, Washington: 1994
Metairie, Louisianna: 1994-1995
Kent, Washington: 1995-1997
Anchorage, Alaska: 1997
Kent, Washington: 1997-1998
Memphis, Tennessee: 1998
Maplewood, Indiana: 1998-1999
Georgetown, Indiana: 1999-present

Isn't that exciting?

Sunday, January 29, 2006
posted by dave at 8:48 PM in category general

I keep thinking up all these great ideas for something to write about.

I know they're great ideas, because I've had them before, and I've written them down in this journal before.

What I need is a new idea, but the only one I've had recently is still rattling around in my head. It's trying to get out, but I'm keeping it locked up for a while longer.

Meanwhile, I feel like I could make an entire entry that consisted of nothing but links to old entries.

That would probably be boring.

It would certainly be lazy.

Maybe I should take a writing class. Do I really need all these single-sentence paragraphs?

I doubt it.

Maybe I'll drink that last Alaskan Smoked Porter from my fridge. Maybe that'll jog something loose in my head.

Something new, I hope.

Thursday, January 26, 2006
posted by dave at 8:12 AM in category general

I'm pissed.

Pissed at myself. At my life. At everything.

I just yelled at this poor girl at work for no reason. She was just trying to set up a lunch for my group, and I felt the need to tell her how much I hate eating lunch, and how much I loathe doing just about anything in these stupid work clothes.

I did go over and apologize, but I obviously shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on her in the first place.

It's not her fault that my life sucks. It's mine.

I think I need to take a vacation to Antarctica or some other unpopulated place. That way nobody will have to deal with my crap until I've learned to deal with it myself.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006
posted by dave at 7:20 AM in category general

Just an update on the event, envisioned here and confirmed here.

Oh yeah! First, SassyGirl and I were sitting at Rich O's before we went to dinner, and we were talking about how she wants me to try to have this sour Belgian beer that she likes added to the list. I said that I'd see what I could do. Then this guy that nobody saw before asked me, "Are you the Dave from DaveFest?"

I said I was. I thought it was pretty cool. I'm all famous and shit.

Anyway, Roger is now saying that DaveFest will probably be in late May or early June instead of early May, as it was originally envisioned.

I'll be sure to keep everyone updated so you all can come to DaveFest and meet me and buy a t-shirt and drink some good beer.

Monday, January 23, 2006
posted by dave at 9:39 PM in category general

I've got an idea for an entry.

Actually, I've got another idea.

The first idea was just wrong. It would have been too much. For you to read. For me to post. It was something I wrote in another journal. I'd thought about posting it here, but I changed my mind at the last minute.

That entry doesn't belong here. Even though I've recently stolen a couple of entries from that other journal and posted them here, publicly - this one I just couldn't do. That entry was not written for you, my readers. That entry was written for her.

Besides, I've picked at the bones of that journal enough. I need to let it rest in peace. Just because I murdered the person who wrote in that journal doesn't mean that I shouldn't still show some respect for the dead.

But anyway.

That sudden restraint left me with nothing for this journal. There I was, listed on the JS front page as a reader's pick, and my mind was blank. Blanker than usual, I should say.

Now though, now I've got an idea, for an interesting entry. Maybe even a good one. Wouldn't that be something?

posted by dave at 7:20 AM in category general

So jodiechalese, a hot Australian girl who much to the dismay of men all over journalspace has apparently vanished, left me a very nice parting gift. She nominated me for the JS reader's pick thingy.

Aaaaaaaah! Too much pressure!

And there I am! Yay for me!

Once the initial shock and gratitude begins to wear off, however, I know that I'll be faced with a problem. A problem that will become painfully obvious to anyone venturing over to my journal because of this publicity.

I'm not very good.

At least not lately.

I'm sitting here, exposed like a fly on a plate, and I've got nothing. No drama. No pain. Not even any joy.

It's just me and my poemish things and my amateurish comics and my mundane entries about my mundane life.

It used to be better than this. I used to be better than this.

So there is some decent stuff in this journal. It's just a lot more difficult to find than it used to be.

Good luck.

Friday, January 13, 2006
posted by dave at 7:42 AM in category general

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that I'd never be in any of Ella's polls.

Now I've not only been in one, I came in third. Not too bad at all.

I'm still going to go out and drown my sorrows tonight, though.

Thanks to everyone who voted for me, whether because of pity, or extortion, or guilt, or whatever.

Thursday, January 12, 2006
posted by dave at 7:18 AM in category general

So, as far as Ella's contest goes, instead of resorting to negative campaigning, like some people, I think I'll take the high road and just say why you should vote for me.

  1. I take the high road.

  2. I'm evil now, or at least I'm working on it.

  3. I'm apparently irresistible, at least in Las Vegas.

  4. I can spell irresistible in only two tries.

  5. I can be friends with anyone, even a rock.

  6. I've never murdered anyone, even if they deserved it.

  7. Even though I'm The Supreme Idiot Of The Entire Fucking Universe, I don't let it go to my head. I'm all humble and shit.

I was also going to write an entry about what exactly being hot means, but puppyshark beat me to it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006
posted by dave at 7:41 AM in category general

...when you could be voting for me?!?

UPDATE: This suspense is killing me! Wake me when it's over, but only if I win. If I lose, then just throw dirt over me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006
posted by dave at 7:32 AM in category general

I think, in the end, I was just expecting too much from the tournament.

Last year, I was in the middle of all this drama. I was still reeling from LaptopGirl leaving. I was in a bit of an emotional blender with MixedSignalGirl. I had all this shit going on with my life, but for a week, while I was at the tournament, I was happy.

All of my problems were reduced to making a shot, and getting position to make the next shot. I got to be a pool player for a while instead of some fucked up guy. I was in charge.

This year, I guess I was hoping for the same type of catharsis. A chance to step back from everything else that's going on and just be me again.

Didn't happen. And a part of me knew that it wouldn't happen before I even got there on Friday. That's why I hadn't felt like I'd been looking forward to the tournament as much as I had in the past. That's why I hadn't been practicing nearly as much as I should have.

I was, deep down, actually dreading the thing. Because I knew that it wasn't going to be enough, not this year.

Last year, pool was enough to distract me from my problems, but this year there was a different challenge. Pulling me out of this funk, this fucking drifting state that I've been in for months - this turned out to be too much to hope for. Even for this, the one thing that I've always looked forward to more than any other for the past several years.

A part of me knew all this going in, but it wasn't until Friday at around noon that the rest of me knew.

I was there, and I was miserable, and I had nothing but more misery ahead of me for the next three or four days. I was not going to be cured, or distracted. Not this time. And then the realization of that caused me to become even more miserable.

I'm glad that I lost my first match. I'm glad that I didn't exercise my buy-back option.

I said in my pool 'blog:

...people are going to believe whatever they want, but this is the truth.

Losing that match was not the problem, it was only a symptom. Losing that match did not cause me to leave and come home, it allowed me to do so.

Monday, January 9, 2006
posted by dave at 10:13 PM in category general

I'd like to have a vagina for just one day. Okay, two days. I'd spend the first day masturbating, and the second day I'd try to gain some insight into the female species.

Sunday, January 8, 2006
posted by dave at 12:33 AM in category general

...is that I'm a little bit too honest sometimes.

For this, you can blame MixedSignalGirl, for showing me the value and freedom of open and honest communication. If you want, you can also blame the fact that the last time I was anything less than completely honest, it didn't particularly end well for anyone involved. Especially not for me.

Saturday, January 7, 2006
posted by dave at 5:59 PM in category general

What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do?

I don't know.

Thursday, January 5, 2006
posted by dave at 10:49 PM in category general

...is missing a fucking message, that I've been waiting for, simply because I'm downstairs.

I really really really need to figure out a way to have my doorbell ring or something whenever I get an e-mail from people on a certain list. It shouldn't be that tough. I've got all this X-10 shit all over my house, and I can already control my lights from my computer.

I should be able to do this.

posted by dave at 7:19 AM in category general

Starting tomorrow, you people might have to get along without me for a while.

Now, I'm not going to pull a Natalie, and disappear for a million billion gazillion years, but it could be as long as four days.

Some of you may know that I'm a fairly serious pool player. Well, that seriousness leads me, every year at about this time, to spend some of my hard-earned money and some of my precious time and compete in the Derby City Classic. This is actually a series of tournaments held in Louisville.

My specialty is Bank Pool, and that's the event that I participate in. But even more important than that, I attend the thing and I get to spend several days with other pool players. Pool players are even better than beer snobs as far as I'm concerned.

So I don't know if I'll be updating here between Friday morning and Tuesday. My intention is to update my pool 'blog during this time, and then if there's any time and energy left, I'll update my regular 'blog.

There'll probably at least be a Thursday beer report, as tonight is virtual Friday for me. Yay!

Monday, January 2, 2006
posted by dave at 11:13 PM in category general

Why, I wonder, did you feel the need to share that particular bit of information with me?

Sure, I pretended to be glad for you, and I suppose the non-selfish part of me is glad for you, but c'mon!

Next time why not just kick me in the nuts?

posted by dave at 2:56 AM in category general

You ever wake up at 2:00 AM and think, wow, I sure am stupid?

How about, do you ever wake up at 2:00 AM and think, wow, Dave sure is stupid?

At about the time I arose from my semi-sleep with the realization that the title of that last comic made no sense whatsoever, at about the time I decided that I'd never get back to sleep until I changed it, my phone rang.

MixedSignalGirl.

"Hey, were you awake?" she asked.

"Hi. I actually just woke up," I answered.

"Me too. You know what woke me up?"

"What?"

"I can't figure out if you like Sam Adam's beer or not. It's driving me crazy. And that title makes no sense."

"I just realized the same thing! I'm going to change it now," I said, thinking that this was a little weird.

"What are you going to change it to?" she asked.

"It doesn't matter," I answered. "Anything would be better than that."

"Okay, call me tomorrow?"

"I will. Bye Miss."

I never did tell her if I like Sam Adam's or not. That'll give us something to talk about tomorrow.

Sunday, January 1, 2006
posted by dave at 9:18 AM in category general

Wow, one of the few resolutions I made for 2006 was to stop writing drivel and I couldn't even make it through the very first entry of the year.

Saturday, December 31, 2005
posted by dave at 5:48 PM in category general

If you want to come, you have my number. I will come and get you if you ask.

We may turn out to be little more than distractions to each other, but I think we may both need a little distracting right about now. I certainly do.

Friday, December 30, 2005
posted by dave at 12:52 AM in category general

So I'm in a strange kind of mood tonight.

The kind of mood where I have this urge to purge my mind of the crap that's been clogging it up.

But because of this damn discretion thing I've been trying, a complete mental enema is out of the question.

Instead, I'll do what I've done before, and I'll just start spouting random crap without specifics. Just like last time, these are to a bunch of different people.

If I pissed you off, or scared you off, then I'd apologize except that I haven't the slightest idea what I could have done wrong. So instead, I'm just going to blame it on "woman stuff" and forget about it, and you.

If your eyes were the ocean then I would gladly drown in them.

I can understand the appeal of the familiar, but just because you're used to something doesn't mean that it's necessarily good. You could have been wrong all this time. It happens. People are wrong all the time.

I want to kiss you at midnight this Saturday. I may end up kissing someone else, but I'll be thinking of you.

I take back everything I've ever thought about your boyfriend. He's perfect for you, and I'm glad that you've found him.

I see you reading me almost every day. I take comfort in the fact that you give a shit.

She is simply a distraction, I think. For now.

You should have believed my words, and not my eyes.

I've been invited to five different things for Saturday night. I don't have a clue what I'll end up doing, but I know that I'll wish it was with you.

The feeling of your lips on mine is not one I will soon forget. Scratch that - it's not one I will ever forget.

I often wonder, where would I be if I hadn't found you? Someplace much worse than here, I bet. I hope that the feeling is mutual.

Don't worry about me too much. I'm used to being like this.

I resent you for the distraction that you've brought into my life, but I know deep down that this distraction is exactly what I needed, so thank you.

My patience is neither infinite nor trustworthy. Prove to me that you're worth waiting for, then we'll talk about patience.

For various reasons, you have slipped out of my life, and you are almost a stranger to me now. I miss hanging out with you.

Your wife is hot, but I'm sure that you already know that. Make sure that she knows it.

I still offer you everything you ever asked for, except that which belongs to another. Every day I regret that it's not mine to give. Every single day.

Don't just ask her to come back to you - tell her why you want her back. She wants a reason. Swallow your pride and give her one.

Friday, December 23, 2005
posted by dave at 12:51 AM in category general

Happy Birthday to HatGirl! Yay!

Friday, December 16, 2005
posted by dave at 11:02 AM in category general

Well, that's it.

No more rock.

I've sent it back to where it came from.

I'll miss having a rock.

It's taking a small part of me with it.

That was its purpose after all.

posted by dave at 12:58 AM in category entertainment, general

I watched tonight's episode of Joey - SPOILER WARNING - and at the end, I got a little disgusted by that Alex girl making out with that one dude when she had feelings for Joey.

What a slut! I thought, to be so easily distracted.

I was also pretty disappointed that Joey, upon seeing Alex and the dude, decided not to knock on that door.

What an idiot! I thought, to be so quickly dissuaded.

Man, what an asshole I am. I guess if I keep busy judging others I won't have to spend any more time judging myself.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005
posted by dave at 1:12 AM in category general

Took a long nap after work tonight, from 6:30 until 11:30. I'd planned to sleep for a full eight hours but my cats would have none of that nonsense. They decided to hold an impromptu game of seek and destroy the sheet monster.

The sheet monster of course being by feet, my knees, hands, my groin, or whatever unfortunate part of me happened to be making a lump in the sheet at any particular moment.

My lightest cat, Buddy, weighs seventeen pounds. Happy weighs twenty pounds. Nugget is made of some material so dense that he carries his own gravitational field around with him, and any attempt to weigh him is therefore useless.

So now it's almost 1:00. I've watched the rest of the Survivor reunion show and I'm drinking a yummy Rogue Imperial Stout (62) in an attempt to fuel my creative fires.

I don't think I have any creative fires left to fuel. I've been feeling completely wrung out for the past couple of days. Even when I try to stir the passions within me, I get nothing. I spent a good (just right, not obsessive at all) amount of time yesterday staring at a picture that, at one time, would never fail to inspire me to write something halfway decent.

But yesterday all it inspired me to do was feel like an idiot for wasting a year of my life.

I was talking with CoffeeDude the other night about my 'blog. He'd asked if I was still writing in it. I said of course, but it's become really boring lately. The things that I used to write about are no longer relevant, and all that's left are pretty bland topics. Then, when something interesting does happen, this fucking discretion thing kicks in and so I don't give the subject all of the attention it deserves.

But I suppose, like all other slumps, this too shall pass. Eventually.

Saturday, December 10, 2005
posted by dave at 3:15 PM in category general

I've been tagged by allaboutme to do this five weird things about me exercise. I'm supposed to list the five things and then tag five other people to do the same thing.

I actually did some entries a year ago about my quirks, flaws, and assets. In the quirks entry I listed eleven things. I'll now try to come up with five new ones.

1. I have this rock. I talk to my rock and take it everywhere. In a few days I have to send the rock back to where it came from, and I'm thinking about throwing a going-away party for the rock. Did I mention that it's a rock?

2. I'll make up new, cat-themed lyrics to songs and sing them to my cats. I make Buddy dance with me while I do this.

3. I've developed the habit of smelling my beer before each sip, to enhance the tasting experience, and now that habit has spread to everything I drink. Doesn't matter if it's water or Diet Vanilla Coke or orange juice or whatever - I'm smelling it before each sip.

4. I brush my teeth, then rinse with this supposedly "cool mint" mouthwash that burns my mouth so much that I brush my teeth again right away to neutralize the mouthwash.

5. When I'm on the phone at home I can't just sit and talk. I have to either walk around or shoot pool or straighten things up - anything but just sit and talk.

I'm not going to tag anybody. I think everyone else on Earth has already done this anyway.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005
posted by dave at 5:29 PM in category general

I may find out that I'm not cut out to be evil.

I already know what I don't have as much evil potential as some men. Some guys can grow a full beard in just a day or two. Not me though. I'm just not a particularly hairy guy.

It's just a genetics thing. You can't argue with your genes, can you?

Well, you can, but you're not going to win that argument. It's like arguing with a woman, except that a woman will, every now and then, let you think that you've won. Your genes won't do that. Your genes are dicks sometimes.

But I digress.

What evilness I do have is, so far, pretty patchy and scruffy. So instead of fear from those around me, the main thing I'm getting is pity as people are assuming that I'm homeless and/or deranged.

But I'll give it some more time. Probably until the end of December at least. I suppose that, if I can't become evil in a month, then I can't ever become evil.

And that's just another cross I'll have to bear.

Thursday, December 1, 2005
posted by dave at 10:25 PM in category general

Wednesday I had a brilliant idea.

I'd go to bed at 8:00 and then get up at 4:00. That way, see, I'd be nice and tired Thursday night and I'd have no trouble at all going to sleep. What a great idea.

Not.

So now it's 10:20 Thursday night as I type this sentence. I'm barely tired. I have to get up at 4:00 in the morning.

I guess the good news is that I'm at least packed. Everything except the shit I'll need in the morning like my toothbrush and deodorant.

I'm going to be sooooo wiped out all day tomorrow, but I know from experience that I won't be able to get to sleep until after midnight. And then my stupid internal clock will snap me awake at 3:30 in the fucking morning because of the time zone change.

I guess it's okay. I'd rather be exhausted in Las Vegas than completely alert back here in Indiana.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005
posted by dave at 7:55 AM in category general

I overslept this morning and, in my rush to get out the door, I forgot my rock.

This is the first time I've been further than ten feet from my rock since I got it.

I feel very guilty.

Plus, I'm going to Rich O's after work to see RealTrainGirl, so my guilt will only increase.

I bet my rock never speaks to me again. It could be a long and uncomfortable week in Las Vegas.

Monday, November 28, 2005
posted by dave at 10:44 PM in category general

So I'm sitting on my couch, watching tonight's episode of Las Vegas.

A normal Monday night, but not a normal show. I haven't finished watching yet, but I half expect it to turn out to be a dream episode or something.

Anyway, Ed has these Cuban cigars that they found on the floor after a fight, and he takes them out of this little case. Inside the case is a piece of paper. On the paper is written:

022065

The day I was born.

I have no idea what this might mean, but I think it's pretty cool.

posted by dave at 7:47 AM in category general

If you're just going to tell me that I'm right, I already know that.

If you're going to claim that I'm wrong, then you are an idiot and I don't care what you think.

Thursday, November 24, 2005
posted by dave at 10:16 AM in category general

President Bush's aide said, "Mr. President, I've afraid I have some bad news. Something terrible has happened."

"What's happened?" the President asked.

"There's been an uprising in South America, and over a thousand Brazilian people have been killed," the aide told him.

The president buried his face in his hands for a few seconds as he tried to come to grips with this news. In his head he was already preparing the statement he'd make to offer his sympathies. But he needed more information.

He raised his head and asked his aide, "How many people are in a brazillion?"

posted by dave at 12:01 AM in category general

Well I struggled with this decision for a long time, but finally I made my choice.

I'm not going to write about what this date is. Was. Could have been.

Not because I don't remember, and not because I don't care.

Nope, I'm not going to write about it because that would be a privilege, not a right. And it's a privilege that I haven't been granted.

So I won't be writing a thing.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005
posted by dave at 9:12 PM in category drink, general

I'm irritated now, but I don't know why. Maybe I just needed a longer nap.

Tomorrow is Friday for us, so that's good, but tomorrow night is also when my stress will peak, or if not then, Friday night. If I make it past Friday night, I should be okay for a while. Like a week maybe, but by then I'll be in Las Vegas.

Monday after work I met up with RealTrainGirl and GreenBeerDude. I had myself a half-glass of Bell's Kalamazoo Stout (155) and then a half-glass of this stuff:

Belhaven Wee Heavy (10)

(draft) This was decent, but there was just something strange about it. Some fruity characteristic that I couldn't identify. There was also a bitterness that came out of nowhere at the finish.
Man I'm bored. And irritated. What a fantastic combination.

I should probably be more willing to open up to the people that offer to help me. I guess I just don't feel like explaining everything all over again.

I should write something better than this. I hate it when a crappy entry is the first thing people see.

Monday, November 21, 2005
posted by dave at 5:23 PM in category general

Seriously, wtf?

Saturday, November 19, 2005
posted by dave at 12:33 AM in category general

So I have this rock now.

I'm very excited to have this rock. I keep it in my pocket. It's the first one I've ever had.

Nobody else seems to understand, but that's okay. Maybe, unless someone has their own rock, they can't understand.

Friday, November 18, 2005
posted by dave at 9:36 PM in category general

I'm just going to repost this entry that I made back in September. I'm not sure why. I guess because I found out that someone smiled tonight, and I think's it's been a while since she's smiled. It reminded me of this girl from the bar:

So there's this one chick, a semi-regular at Rich O's, who is perhaps the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Note, please, that I said seen and not known. Or even met.

She's maybe little too stocky. She's perhaps little bit on the "cuddly" side of slender. She's possibly a little bit bottom-heavy. Her hairstyle is a crew-cut, of all things. A girl that you might not notice at all, and if you did you'd probably figure she was a carpet muncher. In other words, a completely normal person for Rich O's. You probably wouldn't give her a second glance if you weren't a lesbian yourself.

Unless you got lucky, as I did when I first saw her. Unless you got lucky enough to see her smile.

This girl is possessed of what TallLady once called "Good bone structure." That's how she pulls off the crew-cut. So she is pretty, in a generic and unremarkable way.

Until she smiles.

When she smiles, angels in heaven claw their own eyes out because they cannot bear the beauty that's revealed.

When she smiles, flowers close their petals, and butterflies ground themselves, and sunsets halt their progress. They all know that they cannot compete, so they do not even try.

Her smile lights up a gloomy room the way a lighthouse does a rocky coast. It shows everyone that there is an unthreatening path, that there is a safe harbor, that there is something worthwhile at the end of the voyage. Whatever that voyage may be.

I don't know this girl at all. I talked to her for the first time tonight. I said something funny, and I made her smile.

That right there, that I could, if only for a moment, bring such beauty into the world, that should be enough to carry me for quite a while.

Thursday, November 17, 2005
posted by dave at 12:06 AM in category general

(I've deleted a bunch of whiny crybaby bullshit.)

I need a break from this. Probably just a couple of days. I doubt that I'd last much longer than that.

Until then, some of you know where to find me.

Monday, November 14, 2005
posted by dave at 6:40 PM in category general

Okay, let's say you're stuck in rush hour traffic. Cars are lined up nose to ass as far as the eye can see. Traffic is crawling along, too fast to simply coast, but too slow to actually touch the accelerator.

Let's also say that someone in the next lane over wants to get into your lane. Maybe there's a wreck up ahead, maybe their exit is nearby. Whatever. They pull up alongside you, or maybe a little ahead of you, and they hit their turn signal.

(Turn signals, for those of you that don't know, are those doohickeys that stick out of the side of your steering column. You click the doohickey up to signal your intention and desire to turn right, and you click it down when you want to go left.)

So this person has signaled that they want to merge into your lane, ahead of you. I say let them in.

Stop or slow down, make a gap in front of your car, and let them into your lane.

Now, you may be asking, "Dave, you shithead. Why the fuck would I want to let them get into my lane?"

This is a reasonable question, and I understand why you're asking it. Except for the shithead part. That was really uncalled for.

Everybody wants to be a selfish prick when they're behind the wheel of a car. Shit, that's half the fun of having the damn thing. The other half is that you get to sing along to the radio without anyone hearing how horrible you sound.

But I digress.

The thing about letting that person cut in front of you is this: You get to be nice to them, but you still get to be a selfish prick to everyone behind you!

It's win/win!

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you don't let the poor sap in. What do you suppose he'll do?

Remember, he's a selfish prick, just like you.

He's going to drive even further ahead and he's going to try to cut in front of someone that's already way ahead of you.

Maybe that other person has read this entry, so he knows what to do. He slows down and lets the poor sap in.

What happens next is what I like to call a chain-reaction. I didn't make that term up. It's from a movie or something. I think Ted "Theodore" Logan and some hot girl were in it. That Leaving Las Vegas girl I think.

But I digress.

The guy way ahead of you taps his brakes to let the poor sap in. The guy behind him taps his brakes, and so on. By the time you get more than about four cars back from where the actual merge is taking place, those people don't know what the fuck is going on. All they see is a bunch of brakes lighting up ahead of them.

So they slam on their brakes and come to a complete stop. So does the person behind them, and the person behind them and so on and so on until you are forced to come to a stop and sit for a good thirty seconds until the traffic starts moving again.

And, while you're sitting there stopped, that merger and that mergee way up ahead - they've gone on about their merry way. They're probably already home getting laid, while you're still stuck in traffic.

You could have been that mergee!

But nooooooooooooooooooo! You couldn't take one second out of your precious life to help a fellow human being. So instead, you're getting thirty seconds stolen from you. Karma is a bitch, isn't it?

If you'd just let the poor sap in when you'd had the chance, your inconvenience would have been minimal, but you'd still have had the satisfaction of knowing that everyone behind you would suffer.

Like I said, it's win/win.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005
posted by dave at 11:29 PM in category general

My sister Dina, always the organized one, today asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

I've given this a lot of thought, and I know what it is that I want more than anything else in the world.

A time machine.

But I don't want the el cheapo time machine. Nope, I want the deluxe model with the paradox inhibitor. I wouldn't want to go back to November 14, 2003 and murder myself before I went to Rich O's, and then immediately vanish because I'd never lived long enough to get a time machine to use to go back and murder myself. That would just be embarrassing.

Come to think of it, I doubt that it's called murder when you kill a past version of yourself. It's not really a suicide either. Maybe the time machine owner's manual will have a glossary in the back or something.

So please, spring for the deluxe model. It may cost more, but it's soooo worth it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005
posted by dave at 10:17 PM in category general

I don't think I have anything to say. Today, absolutely nothing happened at all. Maybe tomorrow something will happen. Probably not though.

Monday, November 7, 2005
posted by dave at 7:27 PM in category general

Today I was telling someone about this stupid childish game I've been known to play.

I'll call The Reverse Staring Contest.

The goal is to be the last one to look. To be the last one to care. The last one to acknowledge the other. If you can hold out the longest, then you win.

What do you win?

Not much. Maybe a little satisfaction. Maybe a little information - perhaps knowledge that the other person has less willpower than you do, or cares more than you do.

Maybe you learn those things, but maybe the other person doesn't even know the game is afoot. Maybe you're just being a jackass because it's your basic nature to be one.

I just finished a round of this game, a round in which I won. I'm pretty sure the other person didn't even know we were playing, but we play this game almost every day. I lose almost every day.

But not today. Today I kept my eyes averted until the other person looked my way.

I am the winner! Yay for me!

It's a dangerous game though. Sometimes the other person gets tired of it and goes to find someone else to play with. Someone that's not a jackass.

posted by dave at 4:33 AM in category general

he should know

Tuesday, November 1, 2005
posted by dave at 6:23 AM in category general

I got through about half of this survey thingy I found on thomas-sister's journal, and I saw that there were still at least a zillion questions left, so I stopped.

What would be the point of it anyway? To make an entry just because it's been a while since I made one?

Firstly, that's a stupid reason to make an entry.

Secondly, I've accomplished the same thing without having to answer two zillion questions.

Monday, October 31, 2005
posted by dave at 6:42 AM in category general

Yesterday, after I got home, I went ahead and destoyed the feng shui in my bedroom.

Here's the before:

before

Here's the after:

after

Aside from the obvious consolidation of some laundry piles, the most noticeable change is the removal of the bed from the "correct" position on the wall opposite the door. Now it's on the wall next to the door so all of the harmony of the room is destroyed.

I didn't say this would be an interesting entry.

Sunday, October 30, 2005
posted by dave at 12:30 AM in category general

Yes, you.

It was wonderful to finally see you again.

It would have been even more wonderful if I'd actually been able to talk to you without you-know-who hanging on and scrutinizing every word we said to each other.

Maybe next time it'll be just the two of us?

I'd like that.

A lot.

Saturday, October 29, 2005
posted by dave at 12:34 AM in category general

Tonight, I thought about her. I talked about her. I talked about her some more. I talked about missing her. I talked about how she sparkled. I talked about how I'm concerned about what might happen the next time I see her.

I talked about a lot of things.

Yet I never, not even for a second, got sad.

That's got to be worth something, right?

Right?

Thursday, October 27, 2005
posted by dave at 10:35 PM in category general

I wonder, if someone reads something here that they've already read, are they disappointed? Suppose I mention something in a personal e-mail, then I make an entry about it. Does the e-mail recipient yawn because they've read it before, or, like someone working backstage at the theater, can they still manage to enjoy the show even though they know what's coming?

My first real bout with insomnia came when I split from my ex-wife for the first time. It seemed like I'd go days at a time without sleep. Eventually, I could find no solution except the one that so many others in my position had already made a cliché - I drank until I passed out.

Well that got old very quickly. It also got expensive. So I stopped doing that. Fuck, it was almost 20 years ago.

These days, when the sandman is late for his visit, I don't drink. I imagine.

I run through scenarios in my head, so I won't be taken completely by surprise. I have conversations with people that aren't there, so everything is nice and rehearsed in case they ever are there.

This is my version of counting sheep.

Even when my mind won't let me imagine anything except the terrible, I still find some comfort, some relaxation, in playing these little scenes and conversations out in my head.

Lately, it's almost always the same thing, this little playlet that I run through my mind late at night. I'm not going to describe it because I want my e-mail recipient to remain privy to some things that only belong to us. I will say though that it's a happy, yet poignant, little scene, and one that's becoming increasingly less-likely.

Like I said, it's almost always the same thing. Almost always.

Last night it was something different. Last night I welcomed a new costar into my nightly drama. And the two of us acted out what's probably the most unlikely scene I've ever imagined.

And I went to sleep right away. I wonder what that means?

The potential problem with running these scenarios through your head is trying to keep from being disappointed when they don't come true. The one I thought about last night has a shelf-life of three days. So, by Sunday night, I'll have to be ready to accept that it's not really going to happen.

And then I'll have to find more sheep to count. Probably the same old sheep. I've gotten used to them. They're like pets.

And this metaphor is breaking down very quickly, so I'm going to stop typing now.

posted by dave at 6:58 AM in category general

(I put this up on my JS blog last night. I've had one response, and it was wrong. I told those JS people that I'd get a half-dozen correct responses if I posted it here. So here's your chance to prove your stalking supremacy.)

I guess I'm supposed to write something here.

That's what people do, right? They write stuff. Sometimes other people read the stuff. Hell, sometimes they even respond.

Well I have nothing to say right now, but I'd still like to appear normal, so I'll fake it.

And you can help.

I'll write this entry, and you read it, and maybe even respond.

I know, let's have a pop quiz:

1. I recently picked up some keys. What were they for?
__ __    __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

2. What did I hope for?
__ __ __    __ __ __ __ __ __ __

3. What was the tsunami?
__ __ __ __ __  by  __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __


And, since I'm such a nice guy, here are the answers:

a a c d e e g h i i i i l l m n n o o o p p p p r s s s s s t t t v w y

Tuesday, October 25, 2005
posted by dave at 7:00 PM in category general

It started last night.

I was typing an email, and a door in my head opened up. And I remembered something.

But that was just the beginning. Similar memories have been bombarding me ever since.

This dam has burst.

I don't think I slept at all.

I am such an idiot.

I am such an asshole.

I can feel myself shutting down now.

Monday, October 24, 2005
posted by dave at 6:39 AM in category comics, general

(UPDATE: I've added a new example, thanks to Sensorium for reminding me, and I've added comics! Everybody loves comics!)

Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect. I've screwed up many times in the past, and I'll screw up in the future. I fully expect that there will be times when a significant other will be upset with me, and that I'll either fully deserve or at least understand what's bothering her. And I'll probably apologize, and then we'll have make-up sex or something.

But sometimes, sometimes there can be no apology. How do you express regret for something that you never did? Consider the following:

The Misunderstanding
The other day VigilanteGirl and I had a misunderstanding over a potential date. I thought she was blowing me off by not answering my invitation, and she thought I was being an asshole by not following up on her acceptance.

Like I said, it was a misunderstanding. A communication failure. I simply didn't get her message. Once I realized this, I stopped being irritated with her. Once she realized this, she for some reason decided to stay angry at me.

The Misunderstanding

The Preemptive Pout
MixedSignalGirl was the queen of this. She'd imagine some time in the future when I'd anger her or make her sad, so to save time she'd just go ahead and get mad or sad right away. Asking a woman in this condition what's wrong will get you the standard "nothing" for an answer, but in this case it's actually true. There is nothing wrong, but there almost certainly will be at some point, so she's just beating the Christmas rush.

The Preemptive Pout

The Dream
Probably my favorite. This is where a woman is allowed to punish a man for something he did wrong in a dream that she had. In my life, I've been punished for everything from calling a woman fat to murdering and eating her parents, and for everything in between. Apparently my dream-self is a real asshole. But does he have to pay for his misdeeds? No way. I have to pay for them. Over and over and over.

The Dream

The Old Wound
This is when something you do reminds her of her last boyfriend, husband, or whatever. The only way to be sure to avoid this situation is to only get women by rescuing them from convents.

The Old Wound

So, what's a guy to do when faced with these situations?

Easy. You've basically got a free pass. You're already being punished, so you may as well earn it. Go out drinking with the guys all night. Eat a shitload of White Castles right before bedtime. Flirt with her sister. Call her precious poodle a yapping rat-dog. Give her something real to be upset about. You'll feel better, and she'll feel justified.

And then you'll have something to apologize for, and then you can move on to the make-up sex.

Sunday, October 23, 2005
posted by dave at 1:29 AM in category general

Just some random shit here.

I don't believe in fate, but if there is such a thing, it is conspiring against me right now.

I had my 3000th JS reader today, but I haven't decided what to do about it yet.

I got my leather jacket back, finally.

I missed her tonight, first time in quite a while.

I wish I could draw, but I can't.

Last night I had a semi-sexual dream about a JS member. That was pretty strange, mainly because it wasn't who I thought the first such dream would be about.

I think there must be something in the water in Alabama that makes women beautiful.

White guys with huge afros suck.

That is all.

Saturday, October 22, 2005
posted by dave at 4:23 PM in category general

Question: Why now? Why this girl, and not the one before? Why is knowing so important all of a sudden?

Answer: You don't understand. It's not that she's important, but that she isn't. I don't care what the answer is, and for once I'd like to find out before I do care.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
posted by dave at 9:19 PM in category general

Nat always thinks I'm fishing for compliments, but I'm really not. Fishing for reassurance is about as close as I get.

Until now I suppose.

Tonight I was reading back through some stuff I've written, trying remember what I was feeling when I wrote it. I ran across a couple of sentences that really jumped out at me.

So, I'm going to put those two sentences here, and I'm asking you, dear reader, to tell me the first opinion you have of them.

You looked at me, and your eyes burned straight through the shell I'd constructed like it wasn't even there. They then sought out my heart, and set it aflame.
When I wrote this, in another entry in another 'blog, I used it as an example of drivel. Now I'm not so sure. I actually like it, and I'm wondering if anyone else does.

Thanks.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005
posted by dave at 10:37 PM in category general

Found this incomplete document when purging some old files from my computer today.

AGENT CODENAME: KOKO
MISSION: INDUCEMENT TO ACTION VIA PSYCH. HARASSMENT (STANDARD)
MISSION STATUS: FAILED

CHRONOLOGY

15 JUN 2004: Initial assessment of subject vulnerabilities indicates that an adjustment of projected timeline would be feasible. Adjusting estimated mission completion to 1 AUG 2004.

19 JUN 2004: Subject proving to be more amenable to suggestion than previously calculated. Adjusting estimated mission completion to 15 JUL 2004. Requesting additional agents to eliminate secondary target.

20 JUN 2004; Secondary target eliminated. Subject and primary target may be beginning to suspect my presence. Primary objective attainable but subject did not repeat did not achieve.

26 JUN 2004: Mission has suffered a setback. Subject has definitely noticed my presence, and is beginning to actively fight my influence. A frontal assault may no longer be possible. Adjusting estmated mission completion to 15 AUG 2004.

12 JUL 2004: Subject is attempting to veer from defined mission objectives. Will attempt to correct. Requesting additional agents to eliminate secondary target.

24 JUL 2004: Secondary target eliminated. Adjusting estimated mission completion to 1 SEP 2004.

8 AUG 2004: Requesting additional agents to stabilize primary target.

8 AUG 2004: Primary target stabilized. Final objective in sight, but subject continues to fight my influence, and does not approach target. Adusting estimated mission completion to 15 SEP 2004.
I think this wins the prize for the stupidest thing I've ever started to write. Had I actually completed it, it would have been hundreds of lines long.

According to the date on the file, I started writing this just after my gorilla friend left.

posted by dave at 7:55 AM in category general

Stolen from rebunting.

Username:
From Go-Quiz.com
Monday, October 17, 2005
posted by dave at 6:38 PM in category general
  • People that are so-called experts, get paid five times more than I do, and know about half what I know.
This list is not meant to be all-inclusive.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
posted by dave at 12:01 AM in category general

Happy birthday to my youngest sister Neisha!

Friday, October 14, 2005
posted by dave at 7:52 AM in category general

Sorry to leave the three people who know what's going on perched on the edge of their seats but, as I said yesterday, it can't be helped.

I need to hear the other side of this story before I can really do or say anything. And I'm not going to hear other side of the story until I'm a little less angry and a little more open-minded.

...

I just deleted a bunch of boring drivel that nobody wanted to read anyway.

(Oh, hey! This is my 1000th entry here! Yay!)

Thursday, October 13, 2005
posted by dave at 5:21 PM in category general

Now this is one of those entries that will probably just confuse people. Oh well, can't be helped.

The good news is that I can stop holding my breath.

The bad news is that the message was this:

Please tell your girlfriend to stop calling me.
Wow. Didn't see that one coming.

I guess I'll find out more later, but right now, based on what I do know, I'm furious.

I'm actually so pissed off that I'm going to stop writing now. I'm sure I'd say something that I'd later regret.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005
posted by dave at 7:43 AM in category general

Not really cabin fever I guess. More like Southern Indiana fever.

Whatever it you want to call it, I've got it. Bad.

I think I'm just looking forward to my Vegas trip, but that's not for another eight weeks.

So I want to go somewhere this weekend. Somewhere close enough to drive there on Saturday, spend the night, and drive back Sunday.

Indianapolis? Columbus? Nashville? St. Louis?

I didn't list Cincinnati because I just went there this past Summer.

All I really know for sure is that I have zero desire to spend (waste) yet another weekend here.

I probably won't go anywhere though. What if an actual girl came into Rich O's and I missed it?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005
posted by dave at 5:18 AM in category general

friend
n.
1. A person who will do stupid favors for you in the middle of the night, not because they understand your need, but because they recognize your need.

posted by dave at 2:53 AM in category general

Fuck.

I should just end this entry right there. In fact, I think I will.

Monday, October 10, 2005
posted by dave at 7:47 AM in category general

Stolen from becomingkate.

Dave
Beloved : Hebrew

Very intelligent, broadminded and a good listener. You are an ideas person, with a wonderful creative imagination who is always seeking practical applications to apply this to. Your intelligence means that you have great potential for business success if you can apply some discipline and caution. You enjoy sensual pleasures and with a natural restless nature and liking for adventure life is rarely dull with you around.

posted by dave at 7:17 AM in category general

...there was resentment.

I resented her for illuminating the dark places within me, and revealing that which was hidden. For distracting me from my pain. For putting me on a pedestal. For being everything I ever wanted except the one thing I wanted the most.

She resented me for not living up to the expectations born on the day we met. For giving her hope. For making comparisons in my head, comparisons in which she always came up short. For giving her all of me except my heart, for it was my heart that she craved most of all.

None of this is new. We've gone over all this before.

The new thing, the deal-breaker, was that she asked me to make her a promise. She asked me to promise her that it wouldn't happen again. That these feelings I've so carefully bottled up wouldn't come rushing out the next time I saw her or heard her voice. That I'd forever stop thinking of her as a distraction instead of as a focus.

I couldn't make that promise. All I could do was tell her that this time, this time, I really thought I was ready. All I could do was promise to try.

That wasn't good enough, and I don't blame her for feeling that way.

She has, after all, heard it all before.

Sunday, October 9, 2005
posted by dave at 7:38 PM in category general

...and contrary to my own words sometimes, I'm not an idiot.

For example, I know what denial is.

I'm the fucking mayor of denial.

Saturday, October 8, 2005
posted by dave at 2:49 PM in category general

(This is taken from my memory of that day. The dialogue is not exact, but I think it's pretty close. You'll get the gist anyway. This is also very long. Just remember that I hate writing dialogue, and maybe that'll make you feel better for having to read this monstrosity. This is killing me at least as much as it's killing you.)

First, I want to say how we met. I want to say it first because it has a lot to do with how we ended.

Fate is a silly concept to me. The idea that everything is preordained, that our lives are mapped out by some higher power, that free will is only an illusion - this just strikes me as ludicrous.

So I don't think it was fate that caused us to meet. I think it was mere random chance. That deer, no hand reached down from the heavens and pushed it onto the highway. It was probably running from a hunter or something.

The deer was struck by the car in front of me. Struck hard. Hard enough to send it flying. Hard enough to make me wish I hadn't found its body when I went to check on it.

The car in front of me screeched to a stop on the side of the road, and I pulled over as well. I ran up to see if the driver was okay.

I don't believe in fate. Fate is a silly concept.

A girl, her knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. A girl, her eyes clenched shut, tears running down her cheeks, her mouth moving constantly. A silent prayer perhaps? Nope. As I got close I could see that she was mouthing the same word over and over.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...
I tapped on her window. "Are you okay, miss?" I asked. I'm always formal with strangers. I don't know why.

She turned to me, and gave me a funny look. "Was that a deer? Please tell me that was a deer!" she cried as she rolled down her window.

"It was a deer," I answered.

"Did I kill it?" she asked.

"I don't know. Probably. Are you okay though?"

"Will you please check on it? Maybe it's just hurt?"

"If I can find it," I answered.

I'd thought the girl was going to stay in her car, but after I'd walked 50 yards or so back the way we'd came, back towards where the deer was, I heard her walking behind me. I turned and waited for her to catch up.

"What did you think it was?" I asked her when we started walking again.

"What do you mean?"

"You said, 'Please tell me that was a deer.'"

"I did? I mean, I guess I hoped it was a deer and not something worse," she said.

"You mean like a person?" I had to ask.

She nodded. "Or a dog. I thought maybe I'd killed somebody's dog."

"Oh. I thought when you said 'please tell me that was a deer' that maybe you just really hate deer."

She allowed herself to smile. "After this, I might just start hating them!" Her smile contrasted sharply with her tears.

"Really though, are you okay? You're not hurt?" I asked. She seemed fine, physically anyway. More than fine. Hot in fact, I was a little ashamed to catch myself noticing.

I don't believe in fate. Fate is a silly concept.

When we got to the place where she'd stuck the deer, she stopped walking, and I kept going. The deer had been knocked down the hill at the side of the highway. Its body lay about 30 feet down. I could already tell that it was dead. What was left of it was dead.

"I see it," I told the girl. "I'm going to go check it out. Wait here."

"Okay." She didn't seem capable of going any further anyway.

The car had struck the deer about halfway back its body. As a result, everything from its ribs back was completely smashed. Its rear half looked like an empty sock. As a result, it was dead. Its eyes were open. I stood for a second, just to make sure it wasn't breathing, then started back up the hill.

"Is it dead?" she asked when she saw my head reappear.

"Yeah. I don't think it suffered," I answered.

We started walking back. When we got back to my truck a state trooper pulled in behind me. I guess somebody passing by had thought to call them.

"Everything allright here?" the cop asked, walking up to us, with his hand on his gun for some reason.

"I killed a deer!" the girl was crying again.

"But you're okay? Do you want me to call an ambulance for you? How about a tow truck?"

The girl hadn't even thought about her car. "I'm fine. I don't know how bad my car's hurt. I didn't look at it."

"Let's go take a look, okay?" the cop asked.

They walked up to her car. I leaned against the front of my truck. The leftover heat coming from the radiator felt good.

They got to the front of the car, and the girl screamed. She ran back towards me. I saw the cop pull out something reddish-brown and fling it to the side of the road. He then started to inspect the car.

The girl ran to me, leaned partly against my hood, and partly against me. She was crying quietly. I put my arm around her loosely, and she turned into me and laid her head against my chest. Like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to do.

"What happened?" I asked.

"The deer's tail was stuck in my grill. It was so gross!" She was shaking a little.

The cop came back to us. "Your car seems okay to drive, but you'll have to get that headlight replaced before you drive it at night," he said. He noticed me for the first time. "And you are?" he asked.

"I saw it happen. I stopped to help."

"Okay." He sounded dubious. "Ma'am, I'll need to take down some information. Would you please come sit in my car?"

The girl pulled away from me, an oddly disconcerting feeling. She asked me, "Will you please get my phone and call my brother? I don't want to drive. His number's in the memory. His name's Jay."

"Okay," I answered.

"And then you'll wait for him with me." It was a statement, not a question.

"Of course I will."

So, I went up to her car and found her phone. I used it to call her brother.

"Hello, Jay? Your sister asked me to call you. She hit a deer, and she's pretty upset and she doesn't want to drive. She wants you to come and get her."

"I'm just a guy that stopped to help. My name's Dave."

"No, I don't think she's hurt, she's just upset. She's talking to a cop now. The cop says that the car is okay to drive."

"We're just before mile marker 88 on 64 Eastbound."

"An hour? Okay, I'll tell her. Bye."

I don't believe in fate. Fate is a silly concept.

So I went back to my truck and I waited. After a bit, the girl and the cop came back.

"You saw the deer?" the cop asked me.

"Yes."

"It's dead?"

"Yes."

"Where is it?"

"Just on this side of the bridge back there. It's down the hill," I said, pointing.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, ma'am?" he asked the girl.

She had resumed her place at my side, and was once again crying softly. She shook her head against my chest.

"I called her brother, and he's on his way. I'll wait with her until he gets here," I translated the head shake.

"Okay." He still seemed dubious. "I'll just go check on that deer and then I'll be on my way."

"Okay, thank you," I said as he started back toward his car.

The girl shook herself gently, and pulled away from me. She gave me that same funny look she'd given me when I first saw her.

"I need a cigarette," she said. "Will you go get them? They're..."

"In your car," I finished for her. "I already got them." I took the pack and the lighter from my pocket and handed them to her.

"Now you're really my hero!" She allowed herself to smile for the second time. I liked her smile.

She leaned back against my truck, not touching me this time. "Thank you for doing this. Stopping and helping. Waiting with me."

"It's not a problem," I said. And it really wasn't. It was taking my mind off my own problems for a while, if nothing else.

"I'm cold," she declared.

"Do you want your jacket from the car? I'll go get it." It was a little chilly, now that she wasn't leaning into me.

"No, that's okay. Let's just sit in your truck and run the heater."

I don't believe in fate. Fate is a silly concept.

So we climbed into my truck. I was very thankful that I'd just given it its annual cleaning, the empty Coke bottles and Twix wrappers weren't too bad. I started up the truck and we just sat for a while, not saying anything.

She put her cigarette out, and started crying again. She was looking away from me, out the window, like she was trying to hide her tears from me.

"You know, I've already seen you cry, and my shirt is already soaked. We've got an hour before Jay gets here. If you want to cry, go ahead and cry. And if you want to soak my shirt some more, go ahead and do that too."

She smiled for the third time, and she scooted over next to me. I put my arm around her, and she just started bawling.

We stayed like that for a long time.

Her hair smelled like heaven.

I tried very hard to keep from looking down her shirt.

Her bra was black.

Every now and then, she'd look up. Every time she did it, I wondered if I should kiss her. But those moments never lasted. She'd look up at me, and then she'd put her head back down and cry some more.

One time she did look up and ask, "So, you got a name, hero?"

"My name is Dave."

She put her head back down on my chest, then quickly looked back up.

She said, "I can't believe you called me 'Miss', and then she cried some more.

After about an hour had passed, an hour in which I felt like both the most useful and the most useless person on Earth, a car pulled in behind me.

Her brother, I presumed. And some other guy that I, for a horrifying instant, thought might be her boyfriend.

She pulled herself away from me and wiped her face with my shirt. She gave me a little smile...

That was the fourth time.

...and got out of the truck.

The three of them walked up to her car and stood around looking at it, digging around in it. The guys, every now and then, would cast a glance in my direction. I wondered what she was telling them. They probably figured I was some ax-murderer or something.

I just sat and waited. Two's company, but four is definitely a crowd.

The one dude that wasn't her brother got in her car and drove off. The girl and her brother walked back in my direction. They stopped at my truck.

I got out.

"Hi, I'm Jay," the guy said as he extended his hand. "Thanks for your help."

I shook the guy's hand. "Dave. It was really no problem," I said.

He looked at the girl. "Well, we should be going," he told her.

Then he just stood there, watching us.

The girl pulled her hand out of her jacket pocket and extended it to me.

Okay, fine, I thought. After all that now we're going to get all formal and shit?

I shook her hand. There was a piece of paper folded into it.

"Thank you so much," she said. "It was really great, what you did."

"Not a problem," I said. I say that a lot, it seems.

I watched them get into his car and drive away. She held her hand up to me as they passed, and I waved back.

I got back into my truck, and I opened the piece of paper.

I used to have that note somewhere. If I could find it I would just scan it in. But I can't find it, so I'll just quote it:

My name is [private]. What you have done for me today will probably make me cry every time I think about it, and I plan to think about it often. I know I can never thank you enough, but I would like to try. My number is [private].

PS: My last boyfriend's name was Dave and I don't want to call you that, so I will call you Hero, because that's what you are.

PPS: I still can't believe you called me Miss! I liked it though.

And so that's what I called her. In my 'blog she was always MixedSignalGirl, but to me, to us, she was Miss.

And me, well I was always Hero. Even when I made her cry. Even when we'd broken up. Even when we said goodbye.

Monday, October 3, 2005
posted by dave at 7:51 AM in category general

This morning I stood next to a waterfall, and so of course now I have to take a piss.

I like using the word piss in my journal. It's a funny word, and a popular one. My old entry pissing on the inside gets more google hits than any other, just because of that word.

But I digress.

By an unfortunate coincidence, or a cruel twist of fate, their names are very similar. One right after the other in any alphabetized list that I've seen.

Such was the case in my phone. My heart's desire, followed immediately by my mind's logical choice. Bound together simply because of the spelling of their names.

Back before June, before I deleted LaptopGirl's name and number from my phone's memory because I no longer trusted my resolve, I'd always see their names together. I'd highlight name after name as I scrolled down the list. Each time I highlighted a name that person's number would pop up, covering the name of the person listed above them.

What I'm trying to say here, and I'm not having much luck, is that MixedSignalGirl's entry would cover LaptopGirl's entry. MSG was highlighted, but LG was still there, in the background. Out of sight but never completely out of mind.

And so it was with everything else in my life. MSG might have physically been right there in front of me, she might have hidden LG for a while, but it never lasted. As soon as my attention wandered from MSG, LG was right there again. Front and center, in every way but one.

And again I digress.

MixedSignalGirl and I - I don't know what's going to happen with us. We talked for a while, early this morning, but I don't think we've resolved anything. LaptopGirl may no longer lurk behind MixedSignalGirl in my mind and my heart, but this change will take some getting used to, for both of us.

The questions we've asked each other for all these months have not been answered. All that's happened is that the doorway to those answers has been opened. Whether we'll decide to step through or not, we just don't know. It's too soon. We don't want to act impulsively. Actually that's not right. I want to, but she's possessed of a pretty level head.

Meanwhile, I have a new question. One that only I can answer:

Now that I know what I'm really capable of feeling, will I ever be willing to settle for anything less?

Sunday, October 2, 2005
posted by dave at 10:59 AM in category general

One of the things that I very rarely ever mention here is my life when I was married. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is that I have zero desire to revisit those days and reopen those wounds.

I need to mention one event from those days now though, because it's relevant.

I had a stepson, and when he was I guess about 18 months or so old, I woke from an afternoon nap and went to get him up from his own nap. I opened the door to his bedroom.

The first thing I noticed was that he wasn't there.

The second thing I noticed was his window.

He'd managed to push out the screen and, I knew right away, had fallen out the window.

From his window to the ground outside was about eight feet. Coincidentally, that was the same as the distance I had to walk from his bedroom door to get to the window.

Walking to that window, expecting to see my baby's broken body laying on the ground outside - well I probably don't have to describe how terrifying that was. I probably couldn't describe it anyway, not with any kind of accuracy. Easily the scariest eight feet of my life.

So I stuck my head out the window, and I looked down.

There was nothing there. There was nobody there. There was no body there.

We lived in a mobile home, and the skirting wasn't completely installed yet, so I thought that he might have rolled, or crawled, or bounced, under the house. I went out the front door and around the house, trying to imagine what I'd tell my wife if the worst had indeed happened.

I got to the back of the house and looked under it.

Nothing. I remember checking the ground for blood. Nothing.

At about this point I guess I started to panic, because I don't remember much else.

I ran back into the house and grabbed the phone. I called the base police and told them my baby was missing and probably injured. I called my wife and told her all I knew - that he'd fallen out his window and I couldn't find him. I pounded on my neighbor's door and managed to convey to him that I needed him to get in his car and drive through the trailer park while I looked on foot.

I don't remember calling his name, as I ran through yard after yard. I'm sure that I did though. I'm sure that I was screaming his name. I flagged down the policeman that had responded to my call. He was going to drive around and search, just like my neighbor was doing, but he wanted to meet me at my house first.

I ran back to my house, and I sat on the steps, with my face buried in my hands.

When I looked back up, the baby was standing in front of me.

Just as I can't describe the terror I'd felt walking towards that window, what I felt when I saw him alive - there are just no words.

He didn't have a mark on him. Shit, he wasn't even particularly dirty.

I don't remember talking to the policeman when he got to my house. I don't remember calling off my neighbor's search. I don't even remember when my wife arrived. What I remember is clinging to that kid.

Sometimes life provides its own metaphors. I may be the only one that recognizes this one, but that's okay, because I'm the one that needed to recognize it.

I'm awake now, but while I slept she fell out the window. I need to find her and make sure she's okay.

Saturday, October 1, 2005
posted by dave at 6:53 PM in category general

So. I guess my experiment worked.

I spent so much time trying to understand what was happening to me, I lost sight of the real problem. The real problem wasn't that I couldn't understand it, or how absurd it was, or even how much I missed her. The real problem was that it was killing me. Slowly but ever so surely, I was dying from the pain and the torment and the confusion. Once I finally stopped trying to figure it out, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I was able to do what needed to be done. I fought it. I fought myself to get my own life back, and I won.

What am I supposed to do now? Why, nothing I guess. Just muddle through. See what happens.

This will take some getting used to, but I've got time now. I've got my whole life ahead of me.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005
posted by dave at 7:28 PM in category dreams, general

Today I employ one of my standard methods for trying to beat mental constipation. Here's this week's horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

A Pisces woman I know has heard harassing voices in her head for years. They've often urged her to commit suicide or commit other heinous acts. Three weeks ago, they mysteriously stopped, and have left her alone ever since. Meanwhile, another Pisces friend recently received a letter from an old lover who unconditionally forgave her for hurting him while they were together. A third acquaintance, also born under the sign of the Fishes, had a lucid dream in which she buried the dress she was wearing during the saddest moment of her life. Subsequently she has felt an exhilarating release from the weight of the past. I see these three events as examples of a theme you too are enjoying: a burst of liberation from a demon that has plagued you for eons.
The part of this that jumped out at me was the part about the woman with the dream.

I was actually thinking about writing an entry about something similar before I read this horoscope. Strange, but true.

For over a decade at least, I've had this recurring dream wherein I visit some place where I used to live. Sometimes it's a house, sometimes it's an apartment, but it's still always the same place in my dream. I don't suppose that it matters where it is or what it is because, in real life, I never lived there.

So in my dreams I'd go to this old abode. A lot of my stuff would still be there, and I'd have an enjoyable time going through all of my forgotten possessions and just exploring the place for a while.

Sometimes I'd imagine moving back into that old place. After all, I'd think, so much of my past was already there. Waiting for me.

Like I said, I've had this theme pop up in my dreams for a long time. I never paid much attention to it except to notice that it was always a pretty good dream.

Last night, I dreamed of the old place again.

This time it was a house. A regular ranch-style house that sat in a subdivision among a bunch of identical ranch-style houses. I did the usual exploring. I remember marveling at the fact that I had three pool tables in the basement. I wandered around the house, touching everything. I dreamed that I took a nap in what had been my bedroom.

This is the point where this dream became different.

This is the point where the moving company arrived, and I helped the movers load all of my stuff into their truck.

Once the movers had left, the real estate agent was there, and she was putting a "For Sale" sign in the yard. She told me that the old place was a little run down, but that she expected it to sell rather quickly.

"A fixer-upper," she called it. "May I ask why you've decided to sell after all this time?" she asked.

"I guess I just realized that I was never really coming back here. Having two houses is nice, but you can only live in one of them," I replied.

I woke up shortly afterwards.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005
posted by dave at 3:46 PM in category general

I am more observant than you think I am.

I am not as stupid as you think I am.

You are not as irresistible as you think you are.

Sunday, September 25, 2005
posted by dave at 7:28 PM in category general

(I'm pretty sure that I've stolen the subject of this entry from somewhere, but I cannot be bothered to research it. Also, I'm not picking on anyone in particular here.)

I just don't see what the big deal is with all this Unconscious Mutterings crap that keeps cropping up everywhere.

That's right. I said it. I don't get it.

Is this supposed to be fun or something? Are you supposed to do it and learn something about yourself? Maybe you're supposed to post them in your 'blog and people will just understand you better.

I don't get the purpose of these things.

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, first of all you're lucky. Second of all, what you're supposed to do is this word-association thingy like they've had every shrink that's ever been on television or in the movies in history do at one point or another. For example, here's this week's list from the site. I'll read each word and then write the first thing that pops into my head:

  1. Crave:: Beer
  2. Whole package:: Cereal
  3. Roommates:: Lesbians
  4. 5:30:: 4:57
  5. Lesbian:: Roommates
  6. Poignant:: Sad
  7. Hurtful:: Mean
  8. You and I:: Unlikely
  9. Grateful:: Whatever
  10. Giggle:: Tickle
Okay, this is supposed to reveal some great insight into my inner-workings?

I don't get it.

There's one journal that I read frequently- the guy seems to have become obsessed with these things. All that I've learned from reading them is that he likes to do boring things and post them on the Internet.

Hell, I already knew that. We all do that or we wouldn't be here.

I dunno. Maybe I'm too stupid to understand the appeal of these things. Maybe I'm too smart. Maybe it's all just some big joke where the inventor of the things is getting a big kick out of the fact that people are actually doing this shit!

Hey! I've got an idea! I'll start a new sensation. I'll write a word and you send me money. The amount that you send will reveal hidden things about your personality. I promise! Right off the bat, for example, it will reveal two things:

  • Whether or not you have too much money laying around.
  • Whether or not you like to read random words.
It'll be the NEXT BIG THING!

The first word I'll use is *drumroll* perambulate.

Feel free to PM me for where to send your money.

Saturday, September 24, 2005
posted by dave at 7:16 PM in category general

I don't know why this is interesting, but it is. To me at least. Well, not really.

Here's who has sent the last 50 text messages to my phone.

My niece Bethany
RealTrainGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
RealTrainGirl
RealTrainGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
MisunderstoodGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
RealTrainGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
VigilanteGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl
VigilanteGirl
RealTrainGirl
RealTrainGirl
VigilanteGirl
MixedSignalGirl
MixedSignalGirl

It's a sad little list, really. Two lesbians, one girl that only wants to flirt with me, one niece, and one girl that I manage to hurt every time I see her.

MisunderstoodGirl called a little while ago. I guess I'm going to meet them at Rich O's. I hope they're still there when I get there, because I don't really feel like going to their other hangout, Mac's.

Don't really feel like going anywhere actually. Especially not tonight of all nights. But it's especially tonight of all nights that I have to go out. Otherwise I'll be admitting to yet another defeat, and I'm not willing to do that. Yet.

Thursday, September 22, 2005
posted by dave at 9:25 PM in category general

I read all these journals, written by all these amazing people. I read for the stories, and for inspiration, and for the humor. I read for several reasons, and I never go away unsatisfied.

What I never expected to see, even after all these months, what I never thought I'd find was a fucking mirror. I certainly wasn't looking for one. And most definitely not one that revealed my own feelings better than I ever could.

I am completely, utterly humbled. I'm reduced to using the same words that I used the first time I looked into this mirror:

Wow. Just, wow.
I need to think about this some more.

posted by dave at 7:58 AM in category general

Just watched one of the janit, er, custodial engineers use a shovel to get the squirrel's body out of the shrubbery. It had managed to run about thirty feet with a smashed head and untold internal injuries.

Now I'm sad.

I'm also wondering, if I ever got to the point where I really needed it, could I count on anyone to step on me and put me out of my misery?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005
posted by dave at 7:39 PM in category general

I was standing outside my building today having a smoke and watching this squirrel spaz out.

We have trees all over the place, and the front of the building has ivy growing maybe 50 feet up it. The squirrels will climb the trees, and jump from tree to tree, and jump from the trees to the building.

I don't know what they're up to, but it's entertaining to watch.

Today I figured that this one particular squirrel must have gotten into one of the bottling lines or something because it was obviously under the influence of something. I've never seen a squirrel, never known for their sedentary ways, move so quickly and frantically.

This thing would climb one tree, then jump to the ivy on the side of the building. It would then immediately climb up a little higher and jump to another tree, then climb down to the ground. Then it would climb the first tree again and the pattern would repeat.

One of these circuits took about 10 seconds. I watched about 20 of them.

I'm not really sure what happened. I took my eyes off the squirrel for a second, and I heard it scream.

Did you know that squirrels can scream? Well they can, if they're pissed enough. Or scared enough.

Maybe it misjudged the distance to the tree. Maybe it misjudged how tired it was getting from all the spazzing out it was doing. Maybe a sudden breeze moved the branch. I don't know. What I do know is that the squirrel screamed, and then it fell about 40 feet onto the sidewalk.

The squirrel bounced. I was sickened.

The sound was exactly like you'd hear if you took two pool balls and struck them together. It was the sound of many small bones breaking at the same time. It was the sound of a skull shattering. It was the sound of something dying.

I'd say that I'm pretty normal when it comes to liking animals. If they're cute then I like them. If they have eight legs or beady eyes, well then not so much. So possums and spiders are out, but squirrels are definitely in the like column.

I took a second or two to work up my nerve, then walked to see if the squirrel was alive. I was sure that it would be dead. Hoping that it'd be dead actually. Because if it was alive and hurt as badly as that sickening sound and that horrific bounce indicated, if it was hurt that badly, then I was going to step on it. I was going to kill it and put out of its misery.

I could see the squirrel laying on the sidewalk when I started walking toward it. It hadn't moved. How could it have moved? It was dead. But I had to make sure, and I walked around some bushes that hid the squirrel from my view for a second. I remember wondering how much blood I'd get on my work shoes if I had to step on it and kill it. I wondered if I'd really be able to go through with it.

When I rounded the bushes, the squirrel was gone.

There had been no noise, no rustling of the shrubbery. There had been nothing. It was there one second and then gone the next.

I've heard that some animals, in the last seconds of their life, will often summon every last bit of energy and strength they have and just run. Run to hide, somewhere safe. Run to heal, somewhere warm. Run to die, somewhere private.

I don't know where this squirrel went to die. All I know is that, wherever it went, it went there fast.

It was a spaz right up to the very end.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
posted by dave at 7:53 PM in category general

I've been struggling with how to respond to these accusations. Not just how, but if I should respond at all.

It's just so absurd. Nobody who knows me at all would think me capable of this.

You know what, I'm not going to bother crafting a long response. She and I both know that it's not happening that way, and that should be enough.

I'll just say one thing - She calls me.

Monday, September 12, 2005
posted by dave at 11:07 PM in category general

I got this idea from jewels9445.

So, say you were meeting a new person - blind date, new friend, who knows. And you wanted them to have some idea of what kind of person you are, and who you are. But you can't actually tell them in so many words. Instead, you have to give them a box, with a dozen things in it for them to ponder over.

1. A bottle of Delirium Tremens (It's a beer)
2. A kitten (or maybe just a cute picture of one)
3. A cueball
4. A Rubik's Cube
5. One of my CGI landscapes
6. A Kelly Clarkson CD
7. A book: probably something by Heinlein
8. A road atlas of the United States
9. A red rose
10. A smaller box that's empty
11. A printout of some of my 'blog ramblings (EDIT: Replaced with a snow globe with an Alaskan scene.)
12. A pair of jeans

Tuesday, September 6, 2005
posted by dave at 9:01 PM in category general

When somebody comes into my house to clean it and leaves the thermostat set at minus 61 degrees when they leave.

Monday, August 29, 2005
posted by dave at 5:26 AM in category general

how much do you stalk me?

If I accidentally set my house on fire, but I still had some time to react, how many creatures would die? (Only count humans and pets) (difficulty: hard)
One
Two
Three
Four or More
How many times do I hit the snooze bar in the morning? (difficulty: hard)
Three
Two
One
Zero! I just jump out of bed, ready to go!
What is my "Desert Island Beer?" (difficulty: medium)
Falls City
Guinness
Delirium Tremens
Beer? Yuck!
Which TWO things do I really hate? (difficulty: easy)
Crowds
Brunettes Wearing Glasses
Cute Fuzzy Kittens
Long Lines
What words do I usually utter every time I pull into my driveway? (difficulty: medium)
Whew! I Made it!
Poor Spooky Kitty
Home Sweet Home
How the HELL did I get back here already?
What, in my opinion, are women's sexiest physical attribute? (difficulty: easy)
Butt
Breasts
Legs
Eyes
What, in my opinion, are women's sexiest mental attribute? (difficulty: medium)
Intelligence
Humor
Friendliness
Empathy
In an average month, how often do I get drunk? (difficulty: easy)
Never
A few times
Maybe a dozen
Just once, but it lasts all month
Which of the following pisses me off the MOST when I go to Rich O's? (difficulty: medium)
Strangers sitting in the living room area
People eating at the bar
People that hide the ashtrays
There not being any good beer available
Which of the following attributes do I detest the most in a person? (difficulty: easy)
Self-importance
Snobbiness
Cruelty
Stupidity
BONUS: How do you pronounce the name SILTZ? (difficulty: easy)
There's an invisible "T" after the "S" so it's pronounced like STILTS.
The "L" is in the wrong place. It's pronounced SLITS.
Trust me, it's pronounced SITES.
Exactly the way it's fucking spelled.


Tuesday, August 23, 2005
posted by dave at 8:48 PM in category general

People are always asking me, "Dave, you're so fucking retarded. Have you ever done anything even remotely intelligent in your entire miserable life?"

I used to answer this with a simple "Duhhhhhhhhhhh" but lately I've been able to point out that on 6/19/2005 I did indeed do something smart.

Friday, August 19, 2005
posted by dave at 6:44 AM in category general

I have something to tell you, and I'd like you to hear me out before you say or do anything drastic.

There's another woman.

Actually, there are a bunch of other women. And there are some men. And there are even some kids and some old people.

I've been cheating on you. I've been 'blogging elsewhere.

It started this past Monday. I logged onto my JS account and, over the course of the next 24 hours, I imported nearly all of my 'blog entries into my JS 'blog.

There are several reasons that I did this. I wrote about a couple of them over there, on the other 'blog:

Well I guess I've imported everything I'm going to.

Anyone that wants anything older than last June will have to go to my main site. But, and trust me on this, it's all quite boring before last June. Some would say it's still quite boring.

So, why did I just spend 24 hours importing a year's worth of entries into JS?

I'm so glad that you asked.

A few days ago I had my 1000th viewing here. I'm sure that about 999 of these were accessed via the Random Journal link on the main page. Whatever, 1000 times someone had come to my JS journal and saw absolutely nothing (what Stevie called a Phantom Journal). About 100 of those times whoever it was would bother to click the My Personal Site link and go read my actual 'blog.

That means that over 90% of JSers were missing out on my brilliance. Or my stupidity. Or whatever.

So the main reason I decided to import all these old entries, and to continue to keep my JS 'blog in sync with my real 'blog, is to simply get some more readers. I'm kind of a whore that way. I started writing this stuff for very personal reasons, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I continue to do it because I want actual people to read what I write. In other words, if I'm going to vomit bullshit, I want to get it on as many people as I can.

The second reason is that this JS community has always intrigued me. People that only know each other through their writings, yet seem to become friends (or even enemies) through those writings and the comment conversations they engender. I just think it's neat, and I guess I'm hoping to become a part of that someday.

So that's why I did this. My plan is to keep updating my real 'blog just like I always have, and to duplicate everything but the most boring entries to JS.

Awkward ending to entry.


Like I said, I'm going to try to keep my real 'blog and my JS 'blog in sync. If this proves to be more effort than it's worth, then I will drop the JS 'blog. My barenada.com 'blog has always been and will continue to be my main outlet. This site will not be going away. I promise.

The JS 'blog is viewable by JS members only, but if you are a member, or if you want to sign up, you can check out barenada.journalspace.com. Comments are enabled over there - it's one of the main reasons I'm doing this.

Friday, August 12, 2005
posted by dave at 3:01 AM in category general

Ask me a question, and I'll try to answer it.

I need some ideas for an entry.

Sunday, August 7, 2005
posted by dave at 11:07 PM in category general

Are you out there?

Are you reading this?

Do you know what a philotic connection is?

I'm thinking about you right now.

Will you ever read this entry and recall feeling anything at 11:07 PM EDT on August 7th, 2005?

I wonder about things like this.

I wonder why I picked this moment to think about you.

Are you out there?

Do you feel anything?

Friday, August 5, 2005
posted by dave at 11:54 PM in category general

Fucking Hostess for putting fucking raisins in their fucking cinnamon rolls without fucking listing them on the fucking ingredients list.

God I hate fucking raisins.

posted by dave at 5:32 PM in category general

People forgetting to set my ice dispenser back to cubed when they're done getting ice.

Thursday, August 4, 2005
posted by dave at 10:06 PM in category general

Here's my horoscope for this week from Free Will Astrology:

Wasting your time and getting caught up in trivial details might feel like the most natural thing to do in the coming week, but I'd love to steer you away from doing that. Please please pretty please take heed of this proverb from ancient Rome: "The eagle does not catch flies." In other words, avoid lowering yourself to pursue rewards that don't really interest you or nourish you. And please please pretty please also listen to the advice of this Nepalese proverb: "Conduct short rituals for minor gods." Translation: Acknowledge the second-tier powers-that-be, but don't prostrate yourself in front of them for hours.

If I were to believe in this kind of thing, this is another horoscope that would freak me out a little. See, I fully expect to be asked (even required) to focus on trivial shit over the next few weeks. I'd just love to be in a position to refuse these requests, but I'm not there yet, and may never be.

The second part of the horoscope doesn't have any relevance to my current life. At least none that I'm aware of.

Thursday, July 28, 2005
posted by dave at 12:13 AM in category general

I've noticed that I've been getting a lot of visits to this 'blog from China lately.

I guess it shouldn't seem that strange. Over 20% of the world's population lives in China, so the odds are good that at least somebody there will be bored enough to read my stuff. I guess I just figured that I'd be blocked there or something for saying fuck so often.

Anyway, greetings from the West, and I really like your wall!

There also seems to be a big San Diego fanbase. Or stalker community, whatever. I don't think I know anybody in San Diego either.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005
posted by dave at 9:05 PM in category general

This past week's Pisces Horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

"When truth is buried underground it grows," wrote French novelist Emile Zola, "it chokes, it gathers such explosive force that on the day it bursts out, it blows up everything with it." I'm delivering this as a warning, Pisces, not as a prediction. In fact, if you act quickly, you have an excellent chance of ensuring that Zola's scenario doesn't unfold in your own life. There are important truths that are buried, but if you dig them up and expose them to the fresh air now, they won't explode in a few weeks.

I guess these things are published each Wednesday. At least that's when I see them, in the weekly LEO paper. This particular horoscope I first saw last Wednesday, July 20th.

The guy was a week late. If he'd published this at the same time that this happened, I'd probably still be freaking out over it. Hell, even at a week late it's still a little freaky.

I don't know what caused this particular bit of truth to exhume itself after so many years. I seriously doubt that it had anything to do with Saturn conjuncting with Uranus or whatever. I guess all that's important it that is did reach the surface, and that it did finally, mercifully, kill every last vestige of hope left in me.

Now, if I believed in this shit, and if this horoscope had been published two weeks earlier - or at any other time during the past year - I'd have figured that it was referring to a completely different secret. One that I don't think I've been too good at keeping, but one that still threatened to explode fully into the light at any moment. It still threatens to do that, actually, but it's been completely neutered by now.

This horoscope certainly caught my attention, one week late or not. Another thing that caught my attention is this little homework assignment that the guy put at the end of his horoscope listings. I don't see it anywhere on the site but here's part of it:

Homework: Do a mental exploration exercise and write about the place you're half-afraid to travel to even though you know it would change your life for the better...

This here is like he's writing directly to me, for I've caught myself imagining this trip several times. He's got it wrong with the half-afraid part though. Perhaps he really meant to write totally-fucking-terrified. No matter, I'm still going to write about it. I have serious doubts that what I write will be published here though. We'll see.

posted by dave at 4:25 AM in category general

Was talking with FutureDude yesterday about yet another reason that I could never work at Rich O's. Specifically, we were talking about these idiots that had taken over the living room area. More specifically, we were talking about this one particular idiot that had decided to put a chair right in the middle of the walkway so he could sit his fat ass down and block everybody's path.

This was not the first time that I've mentioned to FutureDude that I could never work at Rich O's, and he suggested that I make a list, suitable for framing, of all of the reasons.

Well I doubt that Roger would ever permit such a list to adorn his walls, I'm going to make a list anyway, and adorn my website with it.

Reasons that I could never work at Rich O's

Idiots that take over the living room area
You people are the first thing one sees when they enter Rich O's proper. If you can't at least pretend to be a little bit mature, then I would 86 you.
Strangers that take over the living room area
I would institute a Rich O's Regular card, available only to the most loyal customers, that could be used to make these assholes move.
Assholes that eat at the bar
Seriously, you people suck. Just because you're too self-centered to actually wait for a table to sit at, that doesn't give you any right to inconvenience the rest of us. The people that eat in the living room area also suck, just not as hard.
That one guy with the dead woodchuck on his head
I would be unable to keep a straight face if I ever had to talk to this guy. I'd have to 86 him.
Assholes with sideways baseball caps
I realize that you need to turn the bill of your cap to the side when you're giving all those free blowjobs in the parking lot, but please fix your damn hat before you come into the bar. You look like a fucking idiot.
Wine drinkers
Rich O's is a fucking beer bar! I'd 86 you in a heartbeat unless you were really really good looking.
People that hide the fucking ashtrays
If even the mere sight of an ashtray is more than you can stand, then stay the fuck out of the smoking section, or I will 86 you.
Corona drinkers
Seriously, what the fuck?


I'm sure that, given any time to actually think about this, I could come up with a couple of dozen more reasons that I could never work at Rich O's.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005
posted by dave at 11:48 PM in category general

Here's an excerpt from my server logs for today, showing some of the referrers.

http://www.google.dk/search?q=%22practice+shots%22+pool&hl=da

http://www.google.fr/search?q=ball+width&hl=fr&lr=&start=10&sa=N

http://www.google.nl/search?q=%22I%27ll+think+about+you
22&hl=nl&lr=&start=10&sa=N

http://www.google.pl/search?q=I+found+you+very+attractive&start=0
&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefoxa
&rls=org.mozilla:pl-PL:official

http://www.montecarloss.com/SS_Links.html

http://www.poolchat.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.phptopic_id=1475
&forum=1

Can you spot the hidden messages?

Friday, July 15, 2005
posted by dave at 1:08 PM in category general

All these businesses, long ago, decided that it would be cool if their phone numbers could be used to spell out shit. This would make the numbers easier to remember.

So we got numbers like 1-800-CALL-ATT and stuff.

Phone companies started picking up on this, and started charging more for phone numbers that businesses could use this way.

Eventually, either they ran out of numbers or the businesses ran out of money, and so you don't see very many new phone numbers that spell shit anymore.

What you get, instead, is phone numbers that spell the first part of something, and the advertising is beating us to death with this:

Don't forget! Call 1-800-I-CAN-NOT-FUCKING-COUNT today!

And I just know that there are people out there dialing every single number even though the last zillion or so don't even count.

Idiots.

Sunday, July 10, 2005
posted by dave at 8:16 AM in category general

This scares the Hell out of me.

Plague-infected cats cause worry in Wyoming

Wednesday, July 6, 2005
posted by dave at 10:56 PM in category general

Take the MIT Weblog Survey

Monday, July 4, 2005
posted by dave at 5:52 PM in category general

Kelly Clarkson Tickets

These came in the mail the other day.

Talk about cruel. First they tell me that the show has been cancelled then they go ahead and send the tickets anyway.

Not very cool. Not very cool at all.

posted by dave at 11:07 AM in category general

Last year on this date I wrote a pretty lengthy entry.

I even posted it for a few minutes, then I deleted it.

This morning I did the same thing.

I haven't forgotten what today is, just like I haven't forgotten that date in May. Or the one in March, or even the one in January.

I do remember these things. It would be easier if I could forget them, but I how could I forget? They're burned into me. Some of them for over two decades now. This one for sixteen years.

I haven't forgotten, but neither do I celebrate them.

Instead I write about them and then keep those writings private.

Do not respond to this. I will never be ready to reopen those wounds.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005
posted by dave at 8:11 PM in category general

Okay, here's the latest from Free Will Astrology:

I've known more than a few people who have slept with things they consider power objects: a teenager who liked to cuddle with the trophy he won for bowling a perfect game, for example, and a macho dude who was never without his stuffed turtle from childhood, and a woman who worshiped a special rock she had been sitting next to when she had the revelation that changed her life. I mention these precedents, Pisces, in the hope that it will help you feel utterly uninhibited about going to bed with a certain good luck charm or mojo-drenched fetish. I assure you there will be some magic in doing so.

So, if I understand this correctly, I'm supposed to (a) pick a favorite object, then (b) sleep with it.

Since my favorite object would probably have to be my pool cue, I'm more than a little hesitant to follow this advice.

The mechanics of me taking a long and hard object to bed just don't seem very appealing to me.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not for me.

Friday, June 10, 2005
posted by dave at 3:09 AM in category general

Just an excerpt from a long time ago:

I don't know why he's taking this exit. Why is he following us?
Because he wuuuuuvs you.
No he doesn't!
Silly, to know you is to wuv you.

Don't know what reminded me of this conversation, but it made me smile.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005
posted by dave at 6:59 AM in category general

Got my hair cut after work yesterday, and the lady was telling about this unusual problem she's having with her swimming pool.

She went to clear off what she thought were leaves stuck to the inside of the pool near the filter housing, and when she touched them, they took off swimming across the pool!

Her "leaves" were actually bats.

That's right, bats.

She had about a dozen of them inside her swimming pool!

I've never heard of bats being able to swim before, but a quick googling tells me that some of them can indeed do it.

So Dina, that's something else for you to worry about when you're lounging around in the pool.

You're welcome.

Monday, May 30, 2005
posted by dave at 11:42 PM in category general

Just seeing if anyone notices.

(update: Well that didn't take long. I've changed it back. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here. Hard to tell I guess, but those are gorilla eyes. It's surprisingly hard to find a good picture of a gorilla looking straight at the camera.)

Thursday, May 19, 2005
posted by dave at 4:37 PM in category general, messaging

I'm not dead, and I'm not off stalking anyone.

What I am doing is preserving my laptop batteries as somebody stole my power cord while I was staying at Mandalay Bay.

Just to quickly answer a private message:

A link to email me is on the side of my main page. You have to change "AT" to "@" and "DOT" to "." to get it to work.

I cannot believe that I just had to explain that.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow morning. I may try to catch up on what's happened since Tuesday before I go. It all depends on (a) my alcohol intake, (b) my laptop battery level, (c) whether PigtailGirl wants to get together again, (d) if I can stay awake, and (e) whether I feel like it or not.

Either way, I'll post complete update(s) when I get home.

Thursday, May 5, 2005
posted by dave at 7:52 AM in category general

Guys engaging in raunchy locker room talk about their women friends.

Sunday, May 1, 2005
posted by dave at 12:35 AM in category general

For rodent control in the detached garage, what I ended up buying was a couple of these electric doohickeys that are supposed to keep pests away through some nerve irritation or some such.

Just in case they don't work, I also bought a catch-and-release mouse trap.

I figure that if I catch mice in the trap then the electronic doohickeys aren't working and I may have to move on to more drastic measures.

Saturday, April 30, 2005
posted by dave at 11:29 AM in category general

Got my Monte Carlo back yesterday.

I had all of the necessary repairs done except for new mufflers and tailpipes. Those can wait until later in the Summer.

So I spent $1500 because I didn't condition the gas before I let the car sit all winter and because I didn't do anything to control the mice in the garage.

So today I'm taking the Monte Carlo out to buy some poison or some traps or something. I may find something that will just keep them from getting into the car. I'd prefer that to killing the poor things.

We shall see.

The car is running great though.

Friday, April 29, 2005
posted by dave at 7:12 AM in category general

The other day in this 'blog I mentioned that MiddleNameGuy had been proven to be full of shit.

Then on Wednesday I was talking about that with my friends.

Last night RealTrainGirl called me and told me that the guy was dead. He'd died a few days ago.

He was like 24 or something.

I was irritated with him, but he was still pretty cool.

And of course now I feel bad for talking shit about him.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005
posted by dave at 8:03 PM in category general

My horoscope for this week from Free Will Astrology:

After rejecting proposals from many directors, Bob Dylan has finally authorized Oscar-nominated Todd Haynes to make a film about his life. Seven different actors will portray Dylan, including a black woman. "I am setting out to explode the idea that anybody can be depicted in a single self," Haynes told The Sunday Times. You already explode that idea every week of your life, Pisces, and you will be exploding it with even greater force and style in the coming days. I encourage you to be proud of your own riotous multiplicity. It's something to be celebrated, not to be shy about. Why not fantasize about the seven actors and actresses you'd choose to play you in the movie about your life?
Yeah, I know, the guy rambles on and on.

But I thought that it might actually be fun to pick seven people to play me when I become so famous that they make a movie about my life. Here are my picks:

Keifer Sutherland
Waaaaay too cool for the majority of my life, but Keifer could play me during some of the highlights and lowlights. He's a fantastic actor, and those talents would be needed to accurately portray the more dramatic events of my life.

John Cusack
Another guy that's too cool to play me, but the difference isn't quite so extreme as it would be with Keifer.

Jason Alexander
Everybody has some George Costanza in them, and I've certainly got my share. Jason could play the everyday me and he'd probably nail the performance.

Kevin Smith
Who the hell is Kevin Smith, you ask. He's the guy that plays Silent Bob, most notably in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Any movie about me simply must have a quiet character.

Hume Cronin
Hume was just a very cool old man, and I hope that by the time my movie is made they'll have figured out a way to bring him back to life.

Julia Roberts
The horoscope suggested that I pick actors and actresses and Julia is the first actress that came to mind. I like the way she plays the fish out of water characters and I've certainly felt that way several times in my life.

Richard Gere
Hey! What's so damn funny? I put him on the list because he often portrays the romantic types, and that's what I've turned into.

Portraying other characters in my movie, and I only list the performers here so as not to insult or swell the egos of those in my life, would be:

Clint Eastwood, Marilyn Monroe, Lucy Liu, Patricia Arquette, Rosie O'Donnell, Julia Roberts (again), Britany Spears (sorry), Betty White, Dean Martin, Wilford Brimley, and Marissa Tomei in a blonde wig.

Friday, April 22, 2005
posted by dave at 8:20 PM in category general

What's the difference between murder and manslaughter?

Intent.

What the difference as far as the victim is concerned?

Nothing whatsoever.

posted by dave at 8:14 PM in category general

When somebody types my name into google, gets led to my site, and then doesn't bother to say hi.

Saturday, April 9, 2005
posted by dave at 5:12 PM in category general

I've written before about some of the funny things I see in my weblogs. Things that people type into Google and get led to my site.

Today I got another doozy:

dave having a poo face

Whatever, dude.

posted by dave at 1:39 AM in category general

Okay, one of you women out there reading this - preferably not a relative or friend of mine.

Please e-mail or PM me. If you use the Say Something Dammit form at the side of this page you'll have to tell me what password you want, or I won't be able to respond.

I have a question about your species.

Thanks.

Friday, April 8, 2005
posted by dave at 6:25 PM in category general

Well that was brilliant.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, good.

If you do know, pretend that you don't.

Thanks.

Friday, March 18, 2005
posted by dave at 5:56 AM in category general

I know, it's a day late for St. Patrick's day.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Tuesday, March 8, 2005
posted by dave at 12:12 PM in category general

2 packs chili-flavored ramen noodles
1 can Skyline chili (other canned chili tastes lke dog food, and is not watery enough)
1 handful of finely shredded cheddar cheese

Boil enough water to cook the noodles. Use a pot.

While waiting for the water to boil, mix the two flavor packets from the ramen noodles in a bowl with the skyline chili.

Nuke the chili mixture for a minute.

I usually break the ramen noodle bricks in half at this point.

Once the water is boiling, cook the noodles. Stir them up so they debrickify. Don't use your finger to stir.

Once the noodles are done, drain them though a collander and dump them on a plate. Or use the pot again if you're really lazy.

Dump the chili mixture on the noodles.

Sprinkle the cheese on top of the other stuff.

Enjoy!

You can use other flavor ramen noodles. The Skyline chili is bland enough to be suitable as baby food, so it really shouldn't clash with whatever flavor ramen noodles you choose. You might want to rethink the cheese selction though. Parmesan goes well with mushroom-flavored noodles. American goes well with shrimp-flavored.

Monday, February 28, 2005
posted by dave at 8:56 PM in category general

I feel that a quick reminder is needed.

Tonight my phone has basically rung off the hook.

Some guy I never heard of called a million times, some payphone in Indiana called once, some cell phone in Columbus Ohio just called.

Here's the thing: If I don't know who you are I am not going to answer.

Never.

Ever.

If you know my cell phone number call that one - I have to answer it 'cause it might be work.

If you know my e-mail (hint: daveATbarePANTSnadaDOTcom - remove PANTS first, then do the obvious) then use that.

Hell, I've even put a message form on this website that you can use to contact me. Just remember that it's completely anonymous unless you tell me who you are.

If, however, you really get a kick out of wasting your time, then by all means just keep calling my home number.

Let it ring until Hell freezes over.

I still won't answer it.

I just love my caller-id.

Sunday, February 27, 2005
posted by dave at 6:58 PM in category general

Full MoonOkay, this is weird even for me.

Within a day or two after the full Moons of November, January, and February, I've been contacted by someone I miss terribly.

For whatever reason, December was skipped. As has every other day except those immediately following the aforementioned full Moons.

What's up with that I wonder.

I'm not much into mumbo jumbo - especially the whole full Moon thing - but this has happened three times in the last ninety days, and each of those days came just after a full Moon.

I suppose, since the Moon is apparently able to somehow regulate the flow of blood from vaginas, it could also be influencing some mental functions as well. And I suppose some of that influence could be manifested as a desire for familiar contact or some such.

The thing is, now that I've discovered this pattern, have I also managed to alter it?

Or do I have to wait until late March to hear from her again?

Saturday, January 29, 2005
posted by dave at 9:56 AM in category general, pictures

I hadn't even planned to go to Rich O's last night.

Well my plans for a night in Cincy fell through, partly because of the uncertain weather forecast but mostly because of MixedSignalGirl's unwavering propensity for indecision.

At around 9:00 RealTrainGirl called from Rich O's demanding to know where I was. I told her I was on my way, and indeed I had been in the process of getting dressed when she called.

Rich O's was just barely standing-room-only when I arrived, with an even mix of regulars and strangers. I stood at the end of the bar talking with RealTrainGirl and GreenBeerDude, who looked like they had a jewel heist or something to go to after the bar closed.

RealTrainGirl and GreenBeerDude

GreenBeerDude was also asking everyone he could find what the best and/or cheesiest pickup lines they'd used and/or heard were. Here are three that came to mind:

That sweater looks great on you. It would look even better on the floor of my bedroom.
(In Las Vegas) This is a city just full of beautiful women, yet you make me stop and gasp for air.
(Lick finger and touch their shirt) Let me help you out of those wet clothes.

Rich O's finally had Rogue Smoke, promised to me since Tuesday, on tap, so that's all I drank. Still very good, and actually becoming my favorite rauchbier because it's not that intense.

After a while the throne and the sofa opened up so we all went over there and I stayed until 12:30 or so mostly listening to everyone else talk but also trading a few text messages with LaptopGirl.

While I was (I thought) wrapping up the night listening to karaoke the phone rang. There was an apology, then an invitation. I actually just got home, so I guess I did get to break out of my rut a little, and I guess things between us are actually progressing a little.

At least until the next time.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005
posted by dave at 6:48 PM in category general, pictures

entrance

Our tour starts off, appropriately enough, with the main entrance to Rich O's.

loser area

The losers all sit here.

beer board

Upon entering, and briefly checking out the loser area, I usually check the beer board right away.

overflow area

On busy nights the regulars will overflow to this front room. Sometimes I sit here even if the bar area isn't completely full - just to get some breathing room.

entrance proper

To enter Rich O's proper, you pass through this doorway. Every single time someone darkens this door I get a brief spark of hope.

landmark

The toilet seat from the blue bus, a local landmark.

from throne

The view from the throne, where I usually sit if it's available and there aren't any idiots on the sofa or the loveseat.

red room table

One of the two tables in the red room. I couldn't get the whole room because there were people sitting at the other table and I didn't want to take their picture. The red room seems to be mostly used by couples. MixedSignalGirl and I sat here once but I think that's the only time I've ever been in the red room.

the bar

The small four-seater bar. Only pleasant if the place is empty. Plus, it messes up my nerves.

the island

The island, where I usually sit if the living room area is full of strangers. My seat provides a good view of the bar and the living room area.

your host

Your host for this brief tour. I'm drinking a Gulden Draak here in case you're wondering.

Friday, January 21, 2005
posted by dave at 5:58 PM in category general, pictures

Here are some of the pictures that have accumulated in my camera phone over the past few days.

some idiots

Some strangers at Rich O's

more idiots

More strangers.

more like it

The way I wish it would look, sort of.

bob

My old friend Bob from my Omaha days.

camera shy

This bartender at Rich O's is camera-shy.

camer shy again

So is this one.

beer glass

This glass has a cartoon of a pig flossing its ass with a towel.

Saturday, December 4, 2004
posted by dave at 12:04 AM in category general

Ten points to whoever can name the source of this:

There are kisses and kisses. Some are given in sport and some in passion. There are formal kisses of greeting and departure, and there are perfunctory pecks of accustomed affection. Once in a great while lips meet and two spirits merge for a time and the universe is right and complete and the planets wheel in their proper places. Once in a while the lonely, broken spirit of a man is healed and made whole. For a while his quest is over and his questions are answered.

An additional ten points to whoever can name the Armstrongian flaw which I took the liberty of correcting.

Once in a while the lonely, broken spirit of a man is healed and made whole.

Now that's what I want. That's what we all want.

Friday, November 26, 2004
posted by dave at 12:16 PM in category general

That was fun. Not.

Friday, October 29, 2004
posted by dave at 1:44 PM in category general

The five most stupid reasons for voting for Kerry:

5. Because he was in Vietnam.

4. Because his initials are JFK.

3. Because the Red Sox won the world series.

2. Because of something he said.

And finally,

1. Because "Anybody but Bush!"


The five most stupid reasons for voting for Bush:

5. Because he can catch a football.

4. Because Clinton got a blow job.

3. Because the Red Sox beat the Yankees.

2. Because if Bush wins then Hillary runs in 2008.

And finally,

1. Because Kerry "looks French."

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
posted by dave at 1:44 PM in category general

One thing that's strange is that I've got this brace on my left wrist but it's my right wrist that feels weird because I had to move my watch there.

I don't know how those damn southpaws do it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004
posted by dave at 3:37 PM in category general

The following people rock:    Ted Nugent

The following people most definitely do not rock:    Clay Aiken

These lists are not meant to be all-inclusive.

Saturday, July 31, 2004
posted by dave at 1:04 PM in category general

"Sometimes, when you're putting up a mirror, you realize just how ugly your shirt is."

-- Guy on TLC's In a Fix

Friday, June 11, 2004
posted by dave at 10:45 PM in category general

Here's what I think about the past few days.

1. I think the nation lost a great man in Ronald Reagan. I don't say this because he was the first man I ever voted for (which he was). I don't say this because he was instrumental in bringing The Cold War to an end (which he was). I don't say this because he seemed like a hell of a nice guy (which he did). I say this because of the optimism he had about the country he led. He truly believed that America was a great country, and that Americans were right to be proud of her.

I'd think a lot more of today's politicians if they'd show just a little bit of that optimism instead of telling us that America is spiraling down the toilet and they're the only hope for a recovery.

It pisses me off to no end to think of the ultra-liberals, hating Reagan for no reason other than his political party affiliation, furiously masturbating to the images of his flag-draped coffin.

2. I also think that Ray Charles, one of the greatest entertainers ever, really got ripped off when he died during the week that the Reagan memorials were taking place. This man deserved his own time of mourning as much as, or more than, anyone I can think of.

3. I also think that, as despicable as Terry Nichols is, to have circumvented his plea-bargain and sentenced him to death would have caused possibly irreparable harm to the existing plea-bargain system. The man made a deal with the government, and I'm glad that at least part of the jury saw fit to force the government to uphold their end of the deal.

Monday, May 31, 2004
posted by dave at 12:00 PM in category general

If you are reading this, thank a teacher.

If you are reading this in English, thank a Veteran.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004
posted by dave at 11:53 PM in category general

Just found out that Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game tonight.

I remember when Randy was pitching for the Mariners in the early '90s and he couldn't decide whether he would be a good pitcher or a shitty one.

I guess he's decided.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004
posted by dave at 5:45 PM in category general

I see that you keep calling.

I don't answer my phone if I don't know who you are.

Sometimes I don't answer even if I DO know who you are.

Give up or find some other way to contact me.

Wednesday, January 7, 2004
posted by dave at 5:48 PM in category general

"Dude, if it takes that many flushes you need to see a doctor."

-- A guy on fark.com referring to a Texas man who'd gotten a water bill for $7,714,510.21.

Sunday, December 21, 2003
posted by dave at 3:54 AM in category general

Q: What's better than coming in second place at the Special Olympics?


A: Not being retarded.

Sunday, December 14, 2003
posted by dave at 6:43 PM in category general

With today's capture of Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden's title of The Hide and Seek Champion of the World has lost its only serious challenger.

/Paraphrased from fark.com.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003
posted by dave at 9:08 PM in category general

It may come as a shock to those who know me but I'm not a particularly giving person when it comes to charities.

My donations are usually limited to things like throwing some change in the Salvation Army buckets, giving a check to the local Volunteer Fire Department, and buying Girl Scout cookies.

One of my pet peeves is when people ambush you looking for donations. Whether it's the March of Dimes laying in wait at freeway exit ramps, or homeless fiddle players at bus stops, I just end up getting annoyed.

And unfortunately, perhaps because of people like me that don't go around throwing money at strangers, the trend of active vs passive donation seeking is increasing. I'm sure the proliferation of credit and debit cards, and the resulting lack of cash-carrying, has something to do with it as well.

This trend reached its highest level for me the other day at a Taco Bell drive-thru. A damn drive-thru window. When I drove up to pay the guy asked me if I'd like to purchase a star (or maybe a tree) with my name on it to help some organization or another. I didn't really pay attention, I just reflexively said "no thanks" while feeling shocked that now even drive-thru windows weren't safe.

I know that there are a lot of organizations out there that do good things, and that these organization need money to function, but if I gave money to every group that had their hand out I'd need to start soliciting to feed myself. I have to prioritize, and one of the measurements I use to do that is - How annoying is the group in question?

Unfortunately that annoyance factor is becoming less and less useful as more and more groups are relying on the ambush method of fundraising.

Sunday, December 7, 2003
posted by dave at 8:04 PM in category general

As I put up more Christmas decorations this year than any before, I can't help but be reminded of perhaps the most festive, and certainly the most memorable, Christmas decoration of all.

From my sister Neisha's web page back in the year 2000, ladies and gentlemen, selected images from The Penis Tree.

penis tree 1 penis tree 2 penis tree 3

Here's the original, before it was blown up and severely trimmed for web use.

penis tree original

Just goes to show you, those penises are sneaky. You never know where they'll raise their, um, ugly heads.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003
posted by dave at 7:33 PM in category general

Happy Birthday to my Sister, Neisha!

Sunday, October 12, 2003
posted by dave at 8:09 PM in category general

Let me let you people in on a little secret. I have caller-id, and for over five years I have refused to answer any calls unless I knew exactly who was calling.

"Private Caller" - not answering. "Out of Area" - still not answering. "Cellular Call" - Nope. "Some person I never heard of" - still not going to answer.

I dont' care if you let the phone ring 500 times, if I don't know who you are I'm not going to answer it. Never.

Sometimes even if I DO know who you are I'm still going to just let it ring. It's my phone.

And there's no answering machine either. So ha ha.

Give up. If I haven't answered by the fifth ring I never will. You're wasting your time.

Friday, October 10, 2003
posted by dave at 11:47 PM in category general

Well the Kentuckiana area can breathe a sigh of relief tonight. Insight Communications has finally notified TiVo of their rrecent lineup change where they switch WAVE to channel 6.

Took them long enough.

Tuesday, October 7, 2003
posted by dave at 9:22 PM in category general

Happy Birthday to my Grandmother, Dorothy Siltz!

Wednesday, October 1, 2003
posted by dave at 12:37 PM in category general

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Ha Ha.

mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

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