posted by dave on Friday, March 17, 2006 at 12:53 AM in category notable, ramblings

As, apparently, I'm still me and I can't really see any way around that dilemma right now, I'm still doing what I always do.

I pick and poke and I examine and evaluate and I analyze and appraise, and after a while I start to make some sense out of whatever the fuck happens to be wrong with me at that particular point in time.

Because if I can understand it, or failing that at least be able to describe it, then theoretically that puts me one step closer to being able to deal with it.


Some things are tougher to deal with than others. Some things I've been dealing with for years, and if I've shown any progress at all, I assure you that it's been purely accidental.

The current thing that's wrong with me, this lack of motivation that I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks, this is really a simple thing, with a simple cause.

For what seems like a million years, for what is actually more like a year and a half, I've been running on inertia. The events of late Summer and early Fall of the year 2004 - they gave my heart and my mind a mighty shove. The force of that shove proved to be all that I needed to maintain some semblance of a life. To hang out with my friends. To write in my journal. To leave my house. To breathe.

But now, now that inertia is gone. It's run out. Too many outside forces have acted upon me. Hell, too many inside forces have acted upon me, as I strove to divert myself from the path I was hurtling down, to turn myself around, to at least fucking slow my progress, or maybe even halt it completely.

Careful what you wish for, asshole.

That inertia that served me for so long has gone. Now I've coasted to a stop and I don't know where I am. There are no breadcrumbs to lead me back home. There is no sunrise or sunset to give me a sense of direction. There is just me, and this gray place.

A part of me knows that I cannot stay here. A part of me knows that I need to pick a direction and just start walking. But which direction? They all look exactly the same.

I could end up in an even worse place than before, as unimaginable as that may seem. Believe me, I can imagine a worse place.

I should start walking though. I don't like it here. I should just pick a direction and start moving.

But I can't decide which way to go.

I need a sign. I need a landmark. I need fucking anything that I can point to in the distance and tell myself, that's where I'm going, and I'm closer now that I was yesterday.

I'd scan the horizon for such a landmark, but there's no horizon. There's just me, and this gray place.

I need a sign. Or a shove.

Yeah, I think that a shove would be better. That way if I once again found myself moving in the wrong direction, that way I'd have something to blame besides my own stupid heart.

I tell myself that I want to be shoved, guided, perhaps even carried away from this place. I tell myself that I wish I was moving again. I tell myself that I wish there was a destination in sight.

Careful what you wish for, asshole.

comments (1)

Most of it, a lack of energy, is related to worrying about gaining it back again. Having worked so long and hard for so many years I indulged in a rest period from which I have trouble awakening . There is a distinct physical pleasure in remaining at rest until the necessities of life prompt an awakening. Then in order to prolong that peace procrastination sets in like a form of concrete hardening in the arteries that once supplied my will with the necessary nourishment. I rely on well practiced and minimalist routines that keep extreme unrest at bay until another day. Much of the energy that I crave is wasted on anticipation, impatience, a lack of resolve- what is not accomplished today can surely be done in some future, more gleeful time. Perhaps tomorrow, but no guarantees.

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