I've spent some time tonight reading back through my old entries.
- Reading about how much pain I was in.
- About how I had put that pain behind me.
- About how the pain had caught up once again.
- About how I'd finally been healed.
- About how much pain I was in again.
Monotonous, isn't it?
One of my favorite entries is the one in which I wrote this:
To cross one range, and see before me nothing at all between me and the next range, to know that the next hour or so of my life would mean nothing and would contain nothing of interest - that's a pretty good analogy for what's going through my head this morning.
I don't know what that has to do with anything, really. I'm just muddling through here after all. I think that paragraph about the Nevada desert may have struck a chord tonight because my mood has been like those hills and valleys.
Happy then sad. Excited then bored. Accepting then stubborn. Angry then furious.
Well that breaks the pattern, doesn't it?
I've always figured that I'm about average when it comes to forgiveness. Most people are able to apologize to me, and that's that. In fact, until recently, there's really only been one person that's ever mistreated me so badly that forgiveness is virtually impossible. It's been well over a decade and I'm still furious, still stinging. Nope, I don't think I'll be sending any Christmas cards that way.
Now there's another one. Now there's another person that has done their best to fuck me up for life. He's done a pretty good job of it too.
I don't really care if he meant any harm or not. It was obviously inevitable, and I tried very hard to get him to just butt out. To just leave well enough alone.
But this fucker, this unbelievably selfish asshole, he just had to keep on pressing. He just had to see just how far he could push things. He'd gotten this idea into his head and, by God, he was going to see this idea through to its conclusion.
Or die trying.
Or destroy me. Or ruin a friendship. Or upset an innocent person.
As much as my mood has fluctuated over the past several months, one thing has remained fairly constant.
The anger I hold for what this fucker did to me has not lessened one bit.
So I'm wondering if I'm ever going to be truly healed. I don't think that I can do it while this anger rages inside me. If I'm ever going to get over this, I think I'll first have to forgive him for what he did. I just don't know if I'm capable of it.
Some things are just too hurtful. Some wounds go too deep. Forgiveness for this may not be possible. I may hate him for the rest of my life.
I hope that's not the case. I hope that I can somehow find the strength to forgive him. He just fucked up, after all. There was no malice, just stupidity. Forgiveness seems like such a small price to pay if it helps me regain my sanity.
If I'm ever going to be able to live with myself, I need to first forgive myself.