Right now, right this second, I'm actually in the mood to write something.
This is a good thing, I believe. At least for me it is.
I was really starting to wonder if this mood would ever strike me again.
Anyway, here goes.
I don't know who you are anymore.
I'm not sure that I ever really did.
Your face has become murky, your body nondescript. Your voice, your eyes, your hair - I can no longer imagine any of them with any consistency and not with any certainty. I don't know who you are.
For the longest time, longer than I care to remember with any accuracy except that just I happen to know the year and the month and the day and the hour and the minute when it began, I knew exactly who you were. What you looked like. How your voice sounded. How your eyes sparkled. How you'd smile at me, and my heart would stop, and a part of me would silently wish that it would never beat again, so that I might die in such a perfect moment.
Well, sometimes wishes don't come true, and sometimes I end up being grateful for being denied that which I'd wished for.
Like right now.
I was so sure that she was you, so sure that you were her, that I stopped looking for you altogether.
I was wrong. I see that now. If you were her, if she was you, then you'd be here beside me right now, and I wouldn't be writing this drivel.
You're still out there somewhere though. I imagine my future and I can almost see you lying beside me. I can almost hear your voice as you tell me that you love me. I can almost feel the heat from your body as I hold you close.
Hope is a strange thing. It exists only to disappoint, for once it's fulfilled, it vanishes. But hope still drives me. It drives me to keep looking for you. Misjudgments and misconceptions and miscalculations, and failure and collapse and loss, they might slow me down at times but they will never completely deter me.
You are out there somewhere, and I will find you.
And when I do, and when I do I will take your hand in mine. And I'll look into your eyes. And everything that's been missing in my life will be found. And all of the pain will fade away. And I'll know in my heart that it was all worth it, all worth it so that I could be standing there with you at that moment.
And you'll feel the same way.
Because you're the one.