posted by dave on Thursday, May 26, 2005 at 12:34 AM in category notable, ramblings

So not the best of days for me.

It shows up nearly every day after work. I sit at Rich O's and have myself a beer. My thoughts start to wander.

They always head in the same direction, during those times when I'm halfway between my work life and my home life. When I've let my mind relax for the first time all day. My thoughts start to wander and before I know it this gorilla is right there next to me again.

The last few weeks have been better though. It hasn't seemed quite so obnoxious. I don't know if I've become more accustomed to its presence or if I've just gotten better at ignoring it. Hardly noticed it at all while I was in Las Vegas. That was a great relief.

Today was a bad day. It kept waving my phone in my face, urging me to do that which I cannot do.

Must. Not. Do.

It's standing behind me now, tapping me on the shoulder, grunting in my ear. Tonight all it wants is attention. I can acknowledge it and perhaps pet it a little, just let it know that I haven't forgotten about it. I can handle nights like this.

It's those times, like this evening after work, times when simple attention is not enough - those times are tough. The toughest was that night a few weeks ago when I tried to kill it. In a moment of total desperation I used my secret weapon and tried to completely destroy this pitiful thing that meant no harm to me at all, this wretched manifestation of my own emotions.

I tried to destroy it, but it turned out to be stronger, much stronger, than I'd feared. It heard the words that were supposed to kill it and instead they just bounced off. My most powerful weapon, my most potent poison, had no effect on it whatsoever.

It's stronger than I'd thought, but it's not stronger than me. I may not be able to get rid of it, or even placate it completely, but I will not give in.

I will not give in.

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