Imagine, if you will, a dog.

Every day the dog's master comes home from work and kicks the dog, and the dog yelps with pain.

Is it so hard to believe that, no matter how much the dog loves its master, no matter how much it longs to be with its master, is it so hard to believe that one day the dog will run and hide when it hears that doorknob rattling?

friend
n.
1. A person who will do stupid favors for you in the middle of the night, not because they understand your need, but because they recognize your need.

Fuck.

I should just end this entry right there. In fact, I think I will.

This sucks.

I can't remember what I was going to write about.

I remember thinking about it after work. I was talking with VigilanteGirl in the parking lot where she works, and I had an idea for something to write about. Something original, at least for me.

Problem is, I was so shocked at having an actual original thought that I forgot what it was.

Now it's six hours later and I still can't remember.

So, instead of whatever idea I had this evening, I'll be writing about the fact that once again I've got nothing to say.

I ran across a quote this morning.

No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see. - Taoist proverb

Stolen from becomingkate.

Dave
Beloved : Hebrew

Very intelligent, broadminded and a good listener. You are an ideas person, with a wonderful creative imagination who is always seeking practical applications to apply this to. Your intelligence means that you have great potential for business success if you can apply some discipline and caution. You enjoy sensual pleasures and with a natural restless nature and liking for adventure life is rarely dull with you around.

...there was resentment.

I resented her for illuminating the dark places within me, and revealing that which was hidden. For distracting me from my pain. For putting me on a pedestal. For being everything I ever wanted except the one thing I wanted the most.

She resented me for not living up to the expectations born on the day we met. For giving her hope. For making comparisons in my head, comparisons in which she always came up short. For giving her all of me except my heart, for it was my heart that she craved most of all.

None of this is new. We've gone over all this before.

The new thing, the deal-breaker, was that she asked me to make her a promise. She asked me to promise her that it wouldn't happen again. That these feelings I've so carefully bottled up wouldn't come rushing out the next time I saw her or heard her voice. That I'd forever stop thinking of her as a distraction instead of as a focus.

I couldn't make that promise. All I could do was tell her that this time, this time, I really thought I was ready. All I could do was promise to try.

That wasn't good enough, and I don't blame her for feeling that way.

She has, after all, heard it all before.

*** Warning! Boring dream description ahead! Proceed at your own risk! ***

There was this house. Can't really say what the house looked like, because it was always changing. Every few minutes all of the walls and siding would sort of slide down into the ground, revealing a completely different house underneath. One minute it would be a castle, the next a log cabin.

After a while, I noticed that there was a huge stadium, and the house was in the center.

Thousands, maybe millions of people had crowded into the stadium to see the house. It was a huge party. A "house-party" you might say. Ha ha.

Apparently, the house was going to run out of new forms to take very soon, and that's why everyone was there. Everybody wanted to see what would happen when that last facade sank into the ground. Everybody wanted to see what the house would look like after its illusions had all been stripped away.

As the house's end neared, the dropping of the veneers sped up considerably. One, two, even three times a second the exterior would slide into the ground and briefly reveal a different house before it too would start to slide.

Near the end, the house became a blur. The very ground shook from the constant falling of the house's exterior. The noise got louder and louder.

At the very end, the house was a white two-story farmhouse. It kind of reminded me of my grandmother's house. It paused in that form for three or four seconds, and the crowd held its breath.

The walls started to slide, revealing...

...nothing.

Those white walls slid into the ground, and when they were gone, there was just a big empty square patch of grass in the middle of a stadium full of people.

Then I woke up.

...and contrary to my own words sometimes, I'm not an idiot.

For example, I know what denial is.

I'm the fucking mayor of denial.

Last week, I wrote that Louisville's Fourth Street Live area was IDing everyone because of this OktoberFest thingy. Well I guess I was wrong. They apparently ID people Thursday through Saturday nights. I was also wrong about the swill booths in the street being because of OktoberFest. They apparently are there whenever the street is closed to traffic.

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, as they say, of things I've been wrong about lately.

Friday night, MixedSignalGirl and I decided that we wouldn't be getting back together. It was a mutual decision. Really. There's just too much bullshit that we'd have to overcome. I may want to write about this later, so I'll just leave the subject for now.

We'd met at Sully's. I had a Guinness (891).

After MixedSignalGirl left I went over to The Pub and had a couple pints of Young's Double Chocolate Stout (206), and finally a small sample glass of the Old Rasputin (44). Yummy on both counts.

The place seemed pretty dull as compared to the previous weekend. Might have been the cool weather. I ended up heading over to Rich O's a little after 10:00.

All I did there was have a Smithwick's (560) while I talked with Nerdlinger and Butterface. I really have to give these two new nicknames. They are really nice people. I'll think of something I'm sure.

Also, the place, the front area at least, was having some kind of hot blonde convention. None of them came into Rich O's proper though.

So, that was Friday.

Saturday night, after I arrived to my nephew's gig too late to do anything but stand outside and listen through the window, I walked around New Albany's Harvest Homecoming for a while. This was the first time I'd been there in over twenty years, and I don't think anything has changed at all. Crowds consisting of married couples and giggling school girls, both serving to remind me of what I'm missing. So I left and went to Rich O's.

They're out of Spezial. I knew that this was coming, but it still disappointed me. I had a Baltika 6 (270) while I sat at the bar and talked with WomanRepellant, but then SpikeBoy came in and he and WomanRepellant talked amongst themselves while I stared at my beer and contemplated the significance of the date that was fast approaching.

At about the time WomanRepellant left, I ordered a bottle of Stone Smoked Porter (112). SpikeBoy and I talked about various crap. CuteBlonde came in and said hello, but then she moved over to the living room with some idiots.

I came home a little after 11:00, intending to watch the movie Saw but instead responding to a lot of PMs and reading journals.

By the time October 9th arrived I realized that I didn't even care. Just another day.

(response to message)

have you ever been truthful per this site?

Everything I've written here has been the truth, at least at the moment I wrote it. I've often held things back though. Obvious things like names and other specifics, but also deeper feelings.

Like I said, I don't understand the question. I'm trying to decide if I should be offended or not.