George Bush, as the Republicans keep saying over and over and over, got more votes than any presidential candidate in U.S. history.

This is certainly true, but who has received the second most votes?

John Kerry.

It's called voter turnout, people, and guess what? More voters means more votes.

George Bush not only got more votes for him than anyone in history, he also got more votes against him than anyone in history besides Kerry.

Bragging about popular votes is like bragging about how the 2004 Superbowl had (guessing here) 10 times more viewers than the 1967 airing.

It means nothing except that you're a dumbass.

Resolve is a funny thing. And by funny I mean it's a joke. Especially when it comes to ending relationships.

It starts out strong. The very word is synonymous with decidedness and determination. Yet no matter how firm it seems it can vanish in the blink of an eye.

The smile of a face, the ring of a phone, a tear, or simply the mind's simple tendency to focus on the good in a relationship, can cause a bad relationship to continue well beyond its useful lifespan.

I knew for a long time that we wouldn't last. For the better part of a year I fought within myself two conflicting urges. Two conflicting resolutions.

Would I honor my commitment to make it work, no matter how hard it seemed, and regardless of her own (lack of) effort?

Or would I take the easier way out and allow a relationship that was already dying to finally end?

Let's face it - there's a little martyr in all of us. Which is more noble, to quietly suffer mistreatment or to get the hell away from it? The latter may be the correct action but it doesn't always seem that way.

I quietly suffered for a long time. I decided to break it off more times than I can count. On those occasions when I actually tried to break it off, all it took was tear, or a promise, and my resolve would evaporate again.

To reuse a metaphor from a previous entry, would I stay on that ledge forever, or would I just fucking jump already?

Eventually I jumped. Or maybe I was pushed. Whatever actually happened I know for sure it was a snap decision and had nothing to do with resolve on anyone's part.

Step one: Say you'll call him later.

Step two: There is no step two.

Just thought I'd get both Friday and Saturday out of the way with one entry.

Friday night was boring. I had an NABC Tunnel Vision and an NABC Beak's Best. The night was a complete bust as far as conversation went. Nobody I knew was there, and nobody called.

Tonight (Saturday) it was equally boring at Rich O's. The only person I knew was ExBartender and he was in full-blown obnoxious node.

I had a Delerium Nocturnum first. Here's what I thought of it:

(bottle) Very dark, very fruity aroma. Taste reminded me of cherry wine. The second half of my glass - once the head had dissipated - was much better than the first half.

Next I had a Gulden Draak.

(draft) My first tasting of this rather famous Belgian. Not at all what I was expecting. I got a lot of fruit that I'll call raspberry. Too sweet for my taste.

The entire time spent at Rich O's was pretty much a waste of time. I left at around 10:00. This is what happens when you base your happiness on a single possibility, and that possibility doesn't pan out.

I will shut up now.

There.

I feel better now.

I've been trying to plan out my Las Vegas trip and I just can't make up my mind what to do.

I'm torn between just going to see O and/or Mystere again or seeing some completely new shows.

Wow, this was sure an exciting entry.

I'd better pace myself or I'll have nothing left for the weekend.

Eric and I just finished cutting some wood flooring.

This was the maybe the second time that my new table saw, bought in the Spring, has ever been used.

Apparently there were all of these little adjustments that should have been made before any cutting was done, but to know that I would have had to actually read the owner's manual.

Like I have time for that. It would seriously cut into my busy schedule of watching TV and going to the bar.

I've got this tradition that I try to do every New Year's Eve.

Every year since my divorce I've been alone on December 31st. And by alone I mean in a spiritual/romantic sense. I simply take that one step further and become alone physically as well. I'll walk out of the party, or the bar, or even my own home, and just get a little privacy.

Only twice since 1991 have I had to change that tradition. As 1996 arrived I was followed out of the bar by a very sweet girl who wanted to give me (and be) my first kiss of the new year. When 1999 turned into 2000 I had several people at my house and we went out on the deck and popped these little bottle-shaped plastic thingies that shot streamers out.

On every other New Year's Eve that time between 11:55 and 12:05 has been my own. I like to reflect on all that's happened in the old year, imagine all that might happen in the new year, and just generally relax and let my thoughts flow.

I'll usually give each year an informal grading - 1991 and 1992 were very good years, 1995 and 1998 were very bad - that kind of thing. I try to be fair. I try to remember everything important (good or bad) that's happened, not just those things that are still fresh in my mind.

I do this on New Year's Eve because it provides a fairly obvious division between time frames. I suppose my birthday would serve just as well. Dates that I can point to on a calendar and say "On this day I noted the end of one era and the beginning of another."

On December 31st, 2004, I expect to be alone again, and I expect I'll seek some privacy, when the time comes, to say goodbye to the old year and welcome the new year as I've become accustomed.

This year though, there'll be something different. I not only expect to be alone as the new year arrives, I expect to feel alone as well. This will be something new for me.

I've always been quite able to enjoy the pleasure of my own company - In many ways I've preferred it.

This year will be different. There will be an emptiness accompanying me outside, and I have to say I'm not looking forward to the uncomfortable silence between us.

I will welcome the new year though, as I've welcomed them all. I don't yet know what grade I'll give the year 2004 but it'll certainly get an "A" for effort.

Actually the grading isn't really important. The important part is the serious reflection. The grade is just the end to the more important means.

So why am I writing this entry now, on November 4th, instead of waiting for late December like a sane person?

Because New Year's Eve is man-made. It has no more significance than any other night except that which we give it.

Sometime during the past few weeks I passed a milestone that out milestones anything that an artificial holiday nearly two months away could ever do.

I've seen great changes both externally and internally, and reflecting on these changes has made me (painfully at times) quite aware that this Fall is indeed the end of an era and the beginning of a new one.

Whether it's marked the beginning of a new emotional growth spurt, or simply the end of my sanity, that remains to be seen. All I know is that this is important and I will give it the consideration it deserves.

So tonight, when normal people are getting ready for bed, I'll be out on my deck.

Remembering.

Anticipating.

Just enjoying my own company for a while.

Tomorrow I'll start a new era. One that will encompass its own events. One that will probably, for a while at least, look an awful lot like the era it replaces.

After that, who knows what will happen?

I think - I'm too lazy to actually confirm this, but I think - that my entries have been following a weekly cycle.

On the weekends it's pretty much drunken ramblings. I think this is when my true personality appears. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is left as an exercise to the reader.

Early in the work week I tend to be a little more contemplative and so I imagine the bullshit in my 'blog gets piled a little deeper as I try to translate my thoughts to words.

Late in the week, like tonight, I start to feel apprehensive about the upcoming days so my entries probably take on a more nervous and rambling quality.

Basically, I'm coasting. Spending the week either rehashing the previous weekend or anticipating the next one. I'm seriously stuck in the triangle that TallLady and I have discussed. The one that consists of work, home, and Rich O's.

Well maybe stuck is the wrong word. I'm actually fairly content with things as they are right now. I have little to look forward to anymore, but I also have little to fear. I'm no longer bound to the commitments and the restrictions that until lately I'd been forcing on myself.

I could break out of the triangle.

I just don't want to.

I kind of feel like I've been babbling a lot here lately.

Oh, I pretty much always babble in real life, so I suppose I shouldn't be too concerned when that tendency shows up in my 'blog, but dammit, I do have things to say and I'd like to be able to say them with at least a modicum of eloquence.

Part of the reason for my recent dissatisfaction is that I've been reading a lot of other 'blogs online lately. There are some very good writers out there, and I suppose I've been feeling a little humbled. I need only go here or here or here (the latter being the 'blog of probably the prettiest girl I've ever seen) and I end up feeling like a mildly-retarded blind child. Writing with a crayon. Using the wrong hand. Underwater. While Drunk.

Another thing that's been holding me back... The number one thing on my mind remains the same and I'm unwilling and/or unable to expound on it any more than I already have. You people sneaking around with your e-mails and such will need to find some other cheap means of entertainment for a while. I have reached a point where there's nothing new that I care to say on the subject.

Finally, I suppose that the number one reason I've been babbling a lot lately is because that's what my brain has been doing. If I cannot hold a particular thought or idea in my head for more than a few minutes it's kind of hard to get it all typed up nice and pretty.