One time when I was a kid - I have no idea how old - somebody (probably my grandfather) must have told us to go fly a kite, because that's exactly what we did.

My cousins Jeff and Chris, and maybe my sister Dina, all gathered in this little field next to my grandmother's house and we somehow managed to get this one kite flying so high that we could barely see it. As this was our first real kite-flying experience we'd messed something up, and we had the kite string running under this power line.

So the higher the kite went, the tighter the string was pulled against the power line. It was only a matter of time, we all knew, before that string was going to break.

Eventually, of course, it did break. The reel in my hands lost its connection with the kite, the string fell to the ground, and we all looked up. To see what was happening to the kite.

It fell to the ground. What else was it going to do, fly to the Moon? Of course it fell.

But not for a couple of seconds.

When that string broke, when its connection with the Earth had been severed, that kite leapt skyward. Spinning and dancing in the air far above our heads, the kite gained altitude. It actually seemed to be alive. Alive and free. For the first, and as it turned out, last time in its existence.

The kite did, after a few glorious seconds of freedom, fall to the ground, and eventually we walked to retrieve it. What was left of it anyway. Its wooden bones shattered, its paper wings torn and ragged, it was a pretty poor remnant of what it had once been. I don't think we even bothered to pick it up. We just left it there to rot in that field.

So anyway, I've been in a fairly unusual mood tonight, and I've had a tough time coming up with a good description of what it is I'm feeling. I was reminded of the kite by something I saw on TV, and I realized that I'd found the perfect metaphor to describe what's going through my head tonight.

I feel like that kite would have felt, just after its string had broken. Pretty sure that a fall was coming, but still doing my best to enjoy that which I'd just been granted. No longer bound to anything. Spinning and dancing. Relishing the freedom.

Just a small change to the main page.

I now have it selecting a random quote, selected from my 'blog entries, and displaying it instead of the static quote that used to be there.

Of course, this means more work for me because now I have to keep the quotes file updated if I write anything quote-worthy aver again.

And just now I got the idea to include a link to the original complete 'blog entry. I'll have to think about how (and if) I should go about this.

Reading through all of my old entries to select the quotes was fun though.

The other morning, Wednesday I think it was, I awoke with a jolt.

I'd been dreaming about the past, as I often do, and my dream self had done something that went against every fiber of my being. Something so wrong that even dreaming about it jerked me awake.

As I laid there, reliving the dream, and trying to figure out where did that come from I felt something shift in my head. Some long-forgotten doorway, nearly rusted shut and completely covered by cobwebs, creaked open. The sound was palpable, and the scene revealed was blinding.

That thing, that horrible thing that I'd just dreamed about, had actually happened.

This particular dream had not been a metaphor for anything - it had been a memory. A reenactment. A playback of something so terrible that I'd somehow managed to block it from my consciousness for over a decade.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, my heart threatening to leave my chest and go bouncing around the room, and I knew. I had the answer to the most important question I've ever asked myself.

What are you so afraid of?

Koko, having heard my pounding heart or my heavy breathing, rose from his own slumber and came into the room. It knew that late at night was always the best time to torment me.

It all happened so fast.

Just like that which I was remembering had happened so fast.

Koko stared at me for a few seconds, while I matched its gaze with more intensity than I'd ever mustered before, and this time, for the first time, Koko flinched first.

I didn't have to say a word. Koko could see it in my eyes. There was nothing it could ever do to sway me. Nothing it could ever do to lessen my resolve. I did have a reason for my fear, and it was as real as any fear could ever be.

Koko sighed, turned, and left my life as quickly as it had arrived, and I was left alone, completely alone, for the first time in months.

I don't know how exactly long this memory was suppressed, how long it hid dormant in my head. I don't know what triggered its sudden release during a dream. What I do know, what I do know, is that with its release I finally knew what it was that I was so afraid of that I was willing to sacrifice everything to avoid it.

That thing which I feared, it was not apathy, or laughter, or failure, or disappointment. It was not a fear of betrayal, or of disillusionment, or even of outright rejection.

That thing which I fear most, that thing which I buried for so long, that thing which I fought so hard to avoid happening that I even managed to forget it had already happened, that thing...

will have to remain my own secret.

Mine and Koko's actually.

Had a pretty good night at Rich O's. It seemed a little full of idiots, but the living room areas as open so I spent the night talking with TallLady and HomelessGirl. Nice and relaxing, Calm and pleasant.

To drink, I first had a Delirium Tremens, on tap for the first time in a long time. I've already said how much I love this beer. Next I had one of these:

Stone Imperial Stout

(draft) First off, looks fantastic. Black with a firm brown head, I was almost reluctant to drink it for fear of messing up the head. Flavor is a nice chocolate, with just a hint of bitterness about halfway through. I was a little surprised, and a little disappointed, that the ABV is so high on this one. I'd love to be able to have more than one.

For my last beer I had a Smithwick's. Yummy as always.

HomelessGirl and I talked about a lot of different shit. One of the topics that stood out was when we traded spooky real-life stories. Pretty creepy.

After I left Rich O's I wanted to listen to some karaoke, but they were closed, so I went to this bar that had been one of my dad's main hangouts for the last few years of his life.

The place has changed so much that it's barely recognizable.

I just deleted a bunch of shit here. I don't know why I bothered.

All these businesses, long ago, decided that it would be cool if their phone numbers could be used to spell out shit. This would make the numbers easier to remember.

So we got numbers like 1-800-CALL-ATT and stuff.

Phone companies started picking up on this, and started charging more for phone numbers that businesses could use this way.

Eventually, either they ran out of numbers or the businesses ran out of money, and so you don't see very many new phone numbers that spell shit anymore.

What you get, instead, is phone numbers that spell the first part of something, and the advertising is beating us to death with this:

Don't forget! Call 1-800-I-CAN-NOT-FUCKING-COUNT today!

And I just know that there are people out there dialing every single number even though the last zillion or so don't even count.

Idiots.

Found this in my inbox this morning.

Hey,

Don't know if this is going to work or not.

I'm aiming at the middle of 2005, but they tell me that there's a two-year margin of error at this distance. If you're reading this in 2003, then you're not going to know what the fuck I'm talking about. If you don't get it until 2007, well you'll have all this figured out on your own by then.

Anyway, it's me. Or perhaps I should say it's you. I'm writing from the future. They won't let me say how far into the future. They won't let me say a lot of shit actually. This technology is pretty new here and people are still nervous that somebody's going to upset the timeline and make the universe implode or something. So they're reading and pre-approving all messages into the past, making sure that nobody breaks any of their precious rules.

So, dear Dave, that means that I won't be giving you any stock tips, or winning lottery numbers, or Kentucky Derby Winners. Because that would make us rich and we just can't have that apparently. Oh the horror!

What I'll will give you here, as long as it passes the censors, is some advice.

It will get better. You know it's got to happen eventually. I myself am certain of it, because it did happen. It's all been a big misunderstanding anyway. Things will work out. Maybe not the way you want them to, but if my memory serves me right, you don't really have a clue how you want things to work out.

Eventually, you'll look back at this time and laugh, just like I laughed when reading all this crap you've been posting. To think, it all could have been averted at any time with

##### DELETED PER TIMELINE INTERFERENCE REGULATION #####

and a little bit of patience. You will get everything you need, just not everything you want. And that's okay because you don't know what either of those things are. Oh, you think that you do, but you're so young. I can't believe that

##### DELETED PER TIMELINE INTERFERENCE REGULATION #####

ago, I was as naive as you are.

So my advice to you is simple, and it's not even necessary. You already know what you have to do. Just fucking do it for once instead of doing nothing and then whining about it.

If you do this, things will start to get better. Stop being such a pussy.

Your lovely self,

Dave

Tonight I went out to Rich O's, hoping that something would piss me off enough to make today's experiment a success.

No such luck.

I ended up drinking a couple of beers that I'd already had earlier in the week.

Bells Porter

(draft) Not a thing wrong with this beer. That's the first thing I thought of. No aroma to speak of, a mild chocolate flavor that was quite yummy. No bitterness at all. An excellent session porter.

Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier Dunkel

(draft) Took a long time to drink - it's pretty filling. Very nice aroma and a good flavor. This beer has convinced me that I now like hefeweissbiers. Seemed to affect me more than its 5.3% alcohol would suggest.

The place was fairly crowded tonight, with a bunch of idiots taking up the living room area, so I just sat at the bar. Pretty boring.

I have decided to be evil today, or at least for part of today. This picture even creeps me out.

So what does my being evil mean to you, my reader?

Not much, really.

I'm going to let my anger for some things get a little bit closer to the surface, but not close enough that I'll be doing any venting here. I just need to explore a little, see how much anger I'm keeping bottled up here. Don't want to get an ulcer or anything.

The objects of my wrath will not deserve my wrath, so I'll just keep it to myself and be evil on the inside.

(update: Well that was a bust. No matter how hard I tried, the best I could manage was irritated. Angry was beyond me today.)

Man I'm putting you people to work lately. Good for you though, those asses could use some fine tuning.

First, I ask you to help me decide on vacation destinations. Thanks for the suggestions, and keep 'em coming! Labor Day is fast approaching!

Now I have another thing I'd like some help with.

I read all these 'blogs, and they all have names. Sometimes pretty cool names.

My 'blog doesn't have a name. Unless you count Barenada's 'Blog and I really don't want to count that because it's a pretty stupid name.

So I'd like to come up with a name for the thing. That way, when people put a link to me on their own 'blog sites, they can put something better than Barenada's 'Blog or Some Shithead That Vomits Words.

A couple of weeks ago somebody typed the phrase desperate to pooping into google and got led to my site. I find this phrase hilarious, because I'm a child at heart. So far, that's the number one contender for my 'blog's name. My brain is stuck on the phrase desperate to pooping and I don't seem to be able to think of any alternatives.

So, if you would be so kind, please send me some suggestions.