The clock is counting down...

...to calzone time!

I've fallen completely in love with the calzones at Rich O's.

Today wil mark the sixth weekday day out of the last ten that I go to Rich O's after work, order a calzone to go, and have a nice beer while I wait.

Among the many things TrainGirl and I talked about the other night was the subject of Astrology.

To call me skeptical would be accurate, but I've still found the topic interesting at times.

Times like last night, when I realized that five of the women I've most cared about have been born during the same week. Not the same years but the same month and nearly the same day.

In fact, three of these women were born on the same day.

That's pretty weird I think.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a brief entry about writing a letter that I didn't plan to send.

The gist of that entry was that it felt really freeing to be able to write something without worrying about how the readers of this 'blog would react, and that the whole thing reminded me of my old paper journals in that they represented the real me. The secret me that only I knew.

So freeing, in fact, that I took it one step further and opened up an entire new 'blog, on another site, where I could vent and rant and rave anonymously. A completely separate place that I figured could contain the things that I needed to let out but couldn't in my real 'blog.

So I set up this other 'blog, and started posting.

I started with the letter I mentioned. For the next several days, I put up about an entry per day. I vented to people. I vented about people. Hell, I even wrote a little story about some bullshit that could have happened but didn't because of a butterfly.

It was a very good feeling, that being able to write whatever I wanted without fear of repercussions.

Then I stopped. Here's why:

Reason The First.

These anonymous entries were, to me, better than almost anything I'd ever written in my regular 'blog. I'd get messages from people wanting me to fill in the holes in my story but I couldn't without breaking my cover. And in the end, I found myself letting my public 'blog slip while I let the private one become my main target for expression. When I did make a public entry I became paranoid that I'd be repeating some anonymous entry and someone (you get one guess) would put the pieces together. I didn't like the way things were turning, so that's the first reason I stopped the anonymous 'blog.

Reason The Second.

I was proud of some of that writing and, more than that, I identified with it. Those entries were from the real me, but I was the only one who knew it. In the end I figured that a toned-down public entry was better than a balls-to-the-wall private one. At least with my public 'blog people would know what I was thinking and feeling even if they didn't know how strong those thoughts and feelings were becoming. One of the reasons I write is to help the people in my life understand what's going on in my head, and that wasn't happening. So that's the second reason I stopped the anonymous 'blog.

Reason the Third.

I reached a point where I couldn't write anymore. One night I sat here at my keyboard for what seemed like hours and I was just unable to put together a single coherent thought. There was simply too much emotion and confusion, and reading the entries I'd already posted only made things worse. It was just too personal. I'd been writing things about myself that even I wasn't ready to face. And that's the third reason I stopped the anonymous 'blog and deleted the account.

Why am I dedicating an entry here to a series of entries that no longer exists in a journal that no longer exists?

Because today I got this e-mail:

Hi Dave,

I know you probably still want to be anonymous but I wanted you to know that the things you wrote and the feelings you've been having are nothing to be ashamed about. The thing's you?re going through are tough. I see that even more now that I've read your real journal. They're tough but we all go through these things. I know I have, and reading the things you wrote made me realize that I wasn't alone either. I think you expressed yourself very well and you even made me cry several times!

I don't think you should hide. I think you should keep writing about what you're feeling and just let the chips fall as they say.

Even if you don't take my advice I hope you'll at least keep writing because I want to know what happens next.

I feel like I've gotten to know you a little bit by reading all of your journal and I think you must be a pretty cool person.

Sincerely,
(name withheld by Dave)

I appreciate what she wrote. A part of me even agrees with her that maybe I should be a little more forthcoming in my entries.

But I don't think it'll happen. I may have learned to open up quite a bit since I started writing this 'blog a little over a year ago but I haven't opened up that much. I still have restraint, and that's probably a good thing since I'm not the only person that might be affected by some of my more honest ramblings.

So I don't think I'm quite ready to unleash myself on the world, but I will keep writing.

I am a pretty cool person, and I want to know what happens next too.

Yesterday I went to a wedding. One of my cousins on my dad's side decided to take the plunge and marry a guy that looks, oddly enough, a lot like one of my cousins on my mom's side.

The things I wanted to say about the wedding are these:

1. This was only the second church wedding I've attended. To me there was what seemed to be an awful lot of talk about God and His "One Man, One Woman" plan. I guess you have to expect all of the religious talk in a church wedding, but I actually thought the guy got a little too political.

2. The bride's side of the aisle had about 50 people. The groom's side had maybe 10. I don't know what the story is there but I'm sure it's an interesting one.

3. Neither of the bride's brothers made the trip from TN to attend. These are the same brothers that didn't make the trip a week earlier when their father had emergency bypass surgery. According to an informal poll (I asked some people at Rich O's) it is not unreasonable to drive 600 miles to see your father for what may be the last time before he has major emergency surgery. According to the same poll it is not unreasonable to make that same drive to attend the wedding of your sister.

4. That's all I can think of.

(The previous entry actually stems from a conversation that occurred before Saturday night. I just happened to be intoxicated enough late Saturday night to write that rambling mess. Saturday night itself was a pretty good night, all things considered.)

Saturday night, thankfully, Rich O's wasn't nearly as crowded as it had been on Friday.

There was nobody I recognized at the bar or in the living room area so I sat at the island and pondered what was the first happy mood I'd experienced in several weeks. I ended up having a couple bottles of Stone Smoked Porter while listening to the strangers sitting nearby arguing about whether picking the meat out of chili made it vegetarian or not. (He was right, she was wrong. If you cook it with meat then it's not a vegetarian meal.)

The Stone Smoked Porter is a very good beer, and it's even better when it's the first beer of a session. I ended up having a second bottle while I searched the beer menu and planned out my beer for the rest of the night.

At one point I got sick of the bickering about chili and I went over to the living room area where MisunderstoodGirl and I talked for a few minutes before her break ended.

I ordered a Traquair Jacobite Ale which was something I'd never had before.

I still can't really say that I've had it. I got the impression that it was very good but the Stone had overpowered my senses and so I really cannot give a fair description of the Jacobite.

Anyway, after a while TrainGirl came in and she and I spent the rest of the evening talking. I pretty much told her everything that's been going on inside me. She's a very good listener and I hope a very good keeper of secrets because I told her some things that I'd never told anyone before.

NotGeorge came and joined us at one point but he snuck out later. I think he may have felt left out as I was too busy confessing everything to TrainGirl to pay much attention to anyone else.

My last beer of the night was a Corsendonk Pater and I had the same problem with it that I've already described about the Jacobite. I just couldn't tell what it tasted like because of the Stone I'd had earlier.

I've promised myself to try both the Jacobite and the Corsendonk the next time I'm at Rich O's.

The night ended with me, TrainGirl, MisunderstoodGirl, and OddlyPrettyGirl sitting in the living room area just basically passing the time. It was quite pleasant. LaptopGirl had called briefly but cut the call short, promising to call back, then never did.

Hey shithead,

I have nothing to be ashamed about.

No matter how you try to spin it the central fact stays the same, a very important person in my life has gone away. Maybe forever for all I know.

I don't really care how pathetic you think it is that this has affected me this much.

I'm sad and I have every fucking right to be sad.

It would be worse if I wasn't sad. That would pretty much invalidate the last six months of my life. It's for this reason that I'm not even pretending to be unaffected.

So take your armchair therapy and shove it up your ass.

You fucking prick. I'd like to see how you'd handle the same situation.

But before that could happen you'd have to have an actual friend, and I don't expect that to happen anytime soon.

You sit there all fucking smug and you say you'd never let yourself get into my situation. You think you're better than me?

You're an asshole.

And if you spend the rest of your life never being hurt it will be because you never let anyone get close to you at all.

This situation I'm in - I certainly didn't ask for this. I didn't want it. I didn't see it coming.

And I wouldn't erase it if I could.

I know that a week ago I'd have given anything to undo what's been done. But these are interesting times I live in. I've been able to see through the pain of the last two weeks and appreciate what it took to get me to this point.

I've been able to realize what I've gained that has not been lost.

I've regained my humanity, and if the process is painful then that's because it's worth the pain.

So I hurt, big deal. I have a hole in my life, big whoop. I also have some things you'll never have while you sit all snug in your self-righteousness.

I have feelings.

I have the ability to value another person's happiness before my own.

I have the ability to hope, and to imagine the good instead of the merely safe.

A message I got today via my form thingy:

Great Site!!

Thanks, anonymous Internet person! I do it all for you!

Happy Birthday to my little sister Neisha!

I didn't really forget your birthday. I just forgot what yesterday's date was.

I swear.

(Everybody gets different nicknames for this entry. Just mixing things up a little.)

I don't know how to start this entry.

The most natural place to start would be at the beginning, but what was the beginning?

Was it when I arrived at Rich O's? Was it when ZodiacGirl called to see if I was going to Rich O's? Perhaps it was sometime during the day when I began imagining all kinds of scenarios, each one worse than the one before, that had me all but convinced that setting foot outside my door would be a very bad idea.

Because even though my life and my mood have taken a turn very much for the worse, there's still a lot of room for things to degrade even more.

If I hadn't already used up the balancing metaphor back in August this would be a perfect time to whip it out. Back then I flailed my arms to stay happy. Now happiness isn't really an option and I need a new metaphor.

Hmmmm.

Oooh! I know! I'm in a frying pan, trying to keep out of the fire! That's a good one!

Yesterday, as I mentioned, I kept thinking up all these ways that Friday night could possibly play out. I wanted to get all of the possibilities in my head so (a)I wouldn't be surprised by any of them, and (b)I would know how to respond. What ended up happening wasn't the worst thing I imagined, but it was far from the best.

I got out of the shower last night and found that ZodiacGirl had left a message. She needed to know if I was going keep my promise to be her eyes and ears at Rich O's while she was away. Being blown off on Monday, having no contact all week, then being called on Friday for this reason - I suppose now we know just who misses who the most.

I win! I am the saddest! Yay for me!

Anyway, I called ZodiacGirl back and promised to call her from the bar and tell her the happenings therein and read her horoscope to her.

On the way, I stopped to see TracingGirl. I had to tell her that she needed to snap me up quickly as I surely wouldn't be on the market for long. Maybe I'd start rebuilding the walls that had crumbled lately, or maybe I'd succumb to the charms of someone like the old lady at Wendy's. I told TracingGirl that for this very brief period I was both vulnerable and unattached so she'd better act quickly.

When I arrived at Rich O's I wanted to turn around and leave. The place was very very crowded and there was no place to sit and there was nobody I knew there. I couldn't leave until I'd made my report to ZodiacGirl though. I called her, got her voicemail, and read her horoscope to her as she'd requested.

I decided to stay for just one beer. I sat at the couch, ordered myself a Kwak, and did my best to ignore the weirdoes sitting all around me.

It's amazing how alone a person can feel in a crowded room.

Perhaps the loathing I was radiating towards the weirdoes actually worked. Perhaps they were leaving anyway. What was important is that they did leave shortly after I'd sat down. I ordered myself another Kwak and talked to ZodiacGirl again on the phone. I told her that there was nobody but a bunch of strangers there and that was pretty much the gist of the three or four more conversations we had last night.

At one point I looked up and was very surprised to see my sister and her fiancé Kenny come in! Dina knew my mood and I guess wanted to help cheer me up. It worked.

The three of us sat around while Dina and I talked about dreams and nightmares and other fluff.

SunburnGirl joined us for a while.

There was a girl that looked like a cross between ZodiacGirl and CannonGirl. And she was cute. So now I know that those two would have cute kids if only biology would allow it.

I had a Mad Bitch.

ZodiacGirl called a couple more times. I told her I missed her and that nobody interesting had appeared at Rich O's.

Once Dina and Kenny and SunburnGirl had left I had myself a Guinness in ZodiacGirl's honor then talked with BusDude for a while about his party next Friday. I will probably go.

Maybe I'll take WendysLady.

So yesterday I was standing at the counter at Wendy's, waiting for my chicken strips to get finished. There were several other customers standing around me as this particular Wendy's is often quite slow.

At one point a black woman, probably between 55 and 60 years old, comes out from the kitchen smiling and waving in my direction.

I should point out that I've never seen this woman before in my life, or if I did, then I've certainly never talked to her.

I turned around to see who she was gesturing to, but there was nobody behind me.

She smiled again and told me that I really looked nice. Nicer than normal was what I inferred.

I told her that I was usually there on Fridays, which is casual dress day, and that she probably hadn't seen me on a Thursday (in a tie) before.

That seemed to satisfy her. She told me it was nice to see me, and again told me how nice I looked.

Then she went back to the rear of the restaurant, perhaps to masturbate.

I suppose it's nice to know I'll still have options even after I scare all the attractive young women away.