posted by dave on Sunday, October 3, 2004 at 12:53 PM in category ramblings

Once I got home last night I ended up lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, or out the window, or at my alarm clock - it all depended on which position my head faced of course - for the entire night.

Finally, I think at about 8:00 AM I got to sleep. Then at 10:00 my body's own circadian rhythm forced me back awake and here I sit having given up on sleep until tonight.

I've always been a very light sleeper, but usually I'm able to fall asleep (or back to sleep, whatever the case may be) fairly quickly. It's just that it doesn't take much to jerk me out of my slumber.

Crickets. Cars on the road. Cats scratching at the litterbox at the other end of the house. It doesn't take much. I'll usually just turn over. On some nights I'll get up and walk into the other bedroom or into the living room and sleep there until the next time I'm awakened by some minor noise. This can happen many times a night. My cats all follow me from room to room. My last girlfriend got used to this as well and would often beat me to the next room to be sure she got her favorite side of the bed.

But this entry is supposed to be about insomnia, and last night's bout in particular.

I had so much going though my head last night. Such a mix of uncertainty and wonder and worry and surprise that I was actually wondering if my mind would ever stop racing.

I wondered about the explanations I owe, and I played out those discussions a million times, never getting them quite right.

I thought about the fox, chewing off its own leg to escape the trap it's caught in. Is the fox showing bravery or cowardice? Or is it just instinct?

I thought about the potential displayed by the weekend I'd just experienced. Is it real, or am I just desperately reaching out at anything that might take my mind off my failure to control my emotions last weekend?

Through all this there ran a single theme. A theme about which I will not write even though the urge to do so is nearly overpowering at times. Times like right now. Some things need to be said privately before they're broadcast to the world.

And some things are better left unsaid.

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