Today, like most days for the past few weeks, I've spent at least part of the time feeling sorry for myself.
I got to thinking about just why this is.
How did I end up this way?
I'm not wondering about the recent events that have me in such turmoil. Instead, today I'm wondering about the events in my life that made me into this goofball I see in the mirror. This goofball that's been so affected by these events.
How did I end up to be this person that I am, this person that controlled the keys to his own happiness for over a decade, then out of the blue just pitched them to a person that didn't asked for them, didn't expect them, and didn't want them?
A year ago, I could tell you exactly how I came to be. A year ago it all made perfect sense. A life made up of a series of rejections and betrayals and loss had caused me to wall myself in - to pretend that I didn't need anyone besides myself, that I was perfectly content on my own.
I did such a good job of pretending that it all came true. I didn't need anyone else. I was perfectly content.
What the hell happened?
If anyone had told me a year ago that I'd be writing an entry like this today I'd have laughed in their face. Pretty much like a certain relative of mine laughed when I stupidly thought he'd be a good person to confide in.
Part of me still wants to laugh. It's all just so absurd.
In a moment of weakness and/or drunkenness I pitched my keys at someone who had their back turned.
They landed on the ground instead, and on the ground they still sit. Mocking me.