Today, for about the zillionth time, I found myself wishing that I was an asshole.

And I don't just wish this for today. Nope, I want my assholeness to be retroactive by several months at least.

As stands, however, I'm not an asshole. At least on the outside I'm not. So I keep having to spout the same crap over and over, trying to spare her feelings, even though I've known for weeks that there can be no future between her and me.

I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship.(not with you anyway)

I'm just a little moody tonight. It's not because of you.(it's because of who you are not)

You should probably just move on. (you should take the hint and find somebody better)

I just don't want to end up hurting you. (though I know it's already progressed beyond that point)

That last bit is actually the absolute truth. She's done nothing to deserve what I'm sure I'd end up doing to her. It's just that it sounds so much like a cliché that it's lost all meaning.

It's not like I haven't tried to end this. I look into her amazing eyes and try to come up with the words that will reseal this can of worms without too much pain. Without coming off like an asshole.

I tiptoe around the harsh truth with her, because I know that the truth will hurt her feelings. I know that hurting her would hurt me as well, but I can deal with my discomfort. It's but a drop in the bucket as they say. But to hurt her, that's just something I cannot do. Because I'm not an asshole. So I try to be gentle.

My words have no effect on her. There's something about me, she says, that is worth the wait.

What she doesn't see is that, those things she sees in me, they're not meant for her.

She'll read this, as she's read everything else, and it just won't sink in.

I wish she'd take the hint. Because, before too long I suspect, there'll be no more time for hints. It'll be time for me to act, and she'll just be in the way.

If I were an asshole, none of this would be happening.

If I were an asshole, things would be different.