...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
- Sherlock Holmes
This is one of those entries that will probably make sense only to me. That's okay though, it is my 'blog.
Of all the questions I've had scratching away at my brain over the past year or so, I've managed to find the answers to most of them. Sometimes the answer surprised me, sometimes it disappointed me, sometimes it made me happy. But always always always it provided a huge sense of relief.
Just being able to know - to no longer have to guess - I'm not sure that I can describe how freeing it's been for me.
Of course nothing is ever perfect. I haven't been able to find the answers to several questions. Either the answers are hidden, or I'm just not looking in the correct place. Either way, these remaining questions still scratch and pick inside me.
Thinking about these unanswered questions, I've realized that they're all related. They all lead to the same thing. They all lead to same master question that, if answered, would explain everything.
Of all of the types of questions you hear about, this is the toughest kind. It's not who, what, where, when, or how. This is a why question.
I started my quest for the answer to this question a long time ago. I've examined, and discarded, an awful lot of possible answers.
I got down to four possibilities, and I realized that I was getting close to the truth.
Theory T.B. just doesn't hold up to close inspection. There is not enough luck (good or bad) in the universe to allow T.B. to answer this question. Until last month T.B. was one of the leading contenders, but it's pretty much out of the race now.
Theory C.I. at first seems a little more promising. It would explain everything that's happened, BUT it would not explain those things that have not happened. C.I. should produce results that are much more random than what's been observed, yet all the results so far have been greatly skewed to the negative. For C.I. to be the answer there should have been some good in there too.
This morning I awoke to the realization that I'd narrowed the possibilities down to two.
I am sooooo close.
The first of the final contenders is theory E.G.. It is actually an extension of theory T.B.. Theory E.G. would explain the uncanny precision of what I've observed - especially what I've observed over the last month or two.
Finally, I have theory F.A. to consider. I'm extremely familiar with this concept because (a) it's one of my biggest fears, and (b) it's the explanation for the questions several people have asked about my actions.
Neither of these remaining theories have any real evidence against them. Looked at objectively, they seem to be equally possible answers - except for one thing. Theory E.G. just doesn't feel right. It requires too much effort, too much animosity, too much evil. It could be the answer, but I just don't think so.
So that leaves theory F.A. as the most likely answer. I don't have to like it, but I think this just might be the answer I've been looking for. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot find any substantial fault with it. It would be a hell of a coincidence, and a total fuckwad of a situation, but I cannot simply dismiss it because I don't like it.
Anyway, the really nice thing about getting down to these two possibilities, the thing that had me springing out of bed at 4:00 AM to write this entry, the thing that I never ever ever EVER thought would happen, is that (get this, it's important) whichever proves to be the real answer, it will mean that it's not all my fault.
This is just so huge that I'll probably have another one of those days - unseen since November - wherein I cannot stop grinning and giggling.
At this point, I don't care what the answer is. I'd still like to know, but it's no longer imperative for me to find the answer. I may find it some day. People do generally have big mouths after all.