posted by dave on Friday, July 1, 2005 at 11:06 AM in category ramblings

So last weekend I had this brilliant idea.

And when I say brilliant I really mean, once again, that I'm retarded.

Luckily, the universe decided to conspire against me, and so this particular idea will not be coming to fruition. The expense of fixing my air conditioning ensures that I will not be doing anything incredibly stupid this weekend.

I don't know what I could have been thinking. I saw that guy, how pathetic he was with his hopes and his dreams, how disappointed he was when they were smashed with those words:

Well that's, um, interesting.

Yet here I was preparing to become that guy. What an idiot I am.

Last night I kicked off my long holiday weekend by (surprise!) going to Rich O's. To drink I had a Mad Bitch and then a couple Guinnii. I spent the better part of the night with Koko in the living room area, but after a while I moved over to the island and talked with some PBDs for a while.

Just going through the motions, really. Relying on reflex to mimic social interaction.

I can really feel myself pulling away from everyone. Nobody is going to make me feel better, so what good are they? They ask me what's wrong, but they don't care - they just want the dirt. They tell me to smile, but they only want that so they will feel more comfortable around me. They tell me things that are supposed to make me feel better, but they're telling me the opposite of what I need to hear.

These people don't know me. Hell, I don't know me anymore.

But I don't think that's why I'm pulling away. I think I'm pulling away because that damn meteor is coming. That volcano is rumbling. Eventually my isolation will no longer be a choice. It will be a necessity. So I think I'm trying to lessen that blow by pulling away gradually. On my own terms and at my own pace.

I'm also pulling away from myself, if that makes any sense. I can't stand this sad fucker that I become sometimes. So I look for distractions. I read a book every day, I spend time with MixedSignalGirl. I flirt with VigilanteGirl. I walk around Disney World taking pictures. I go to a Reds game in Cincinnati. I do whatever I can, whatever I can think of, to fool myself into thinking that I have other things on my mind besides you know what.

I wonder if this is how crazy people are born.

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