posted by dave on Sunday, August 21, 2005 at 10:49 AM in category ramblings

I wrote last night that I'd had a relaxing night, but that was really simplifying things. Taken as a whole, it was quite relaxing, but parts - especially the first couple of hours - were just exhausting.

I found myself fighting the same old assumptions, the same old explanations, the same old bullshit that I've been fighting for over a year now. It was nice to finally be talking with someone that was actually listening to what I was saying, so I at least felt like there was a chance that I'd be able to get my points across, but it really was pretty tiring.

I'd talk about some small part of this complicated mess that I'm in, and, whenever I'd seemingly contradict something I'd said earlier, RealTrainGirl's eyes would just light up. Ah ha! She'd caught me!


Because things haven't just been complicated. They've also been ever-changing. Evolving and devolving. Like my mood, my desires and my needs have been constantly reacting to events, thoughts, and realizations.

RealTrainGirl just could not seem to understand why I left Rich O's Friday night. She just could not seem to understand why I didn't want to go there last night. I mean, she understood the reasons I was giving her, but I don't think she believed me, and she kept trying to propose her own explanations.

Like I said, things are complicated. There are several reasons that I did what I did, but the main reason is the same one that's been driving me since all this started.

This is now, and has always been, my problem. Not LaptopGirl's problem. Not our problem. I'm the one that screwed up, and I'm the one that should have to face the consequences.

At times during all this, I've been completely taken over by emotions. They overwhelm me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. If I had stayed at Rich O's on Friday, I would have been overwhelmed. I would have lost control. I would have said or done something stupid, and I'd probably have upset LaptopGirl. Or at least made her very uncomfortable.

I'd have made it her problem, and that's something that I just cannot let myself do. So I got the hell out of there before it got to that point. My leaving like that may have bothered her a little, but I had very little time to choose the lesser of two evils.

Now, on Saturday night, I didn't want to go to Rich O's. Explaining that proved to be a little more difficult.

She did not come back to New Albany to see me. I also seriously doubt that she came back to get upset, or to feel uncomfortable.

I've been assuming that this is simply a visit. That she'll be returning to her new home, and that I can once again begin putting myself back together. If she's in town visiting, then it seems to me that the least I can do is stay away. Let her spend time in her old hangout without having to worry about me and my feelings. Like I said, it's my problem.

RealTrainGirl just didn't seem to accept this explanation. She just didn't seem to understand why I couldn't just go to Rich O's last night and be a normal person.

News flash: I haven't been a normal person in a long time. Not when it comes to LaptopGirl. My emotions are not hooked up to a switch. I cannot simply turn them off when they become inconvenient.

And what if I'm wrong? What if this isn't simply a visit? What if it's permanent?

Well then I'll have a tough decision to make.

I once wrote an entry wherein I said that all I wanted was two seconds. Well, Friday was my chance, and, as it turned out, two seconds would have been an eternity. Long enough to obliterate me all over again.

I got out in time, this time. I saw the meteor streaking toward me, and I only got a glancing blow. I can't count on being that lucky forever though. So, if this visit is more than a visit, I'll have to make a choice.

I'll need to either grow up or give up.

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