posted by dave on Thursday, September 29, 2005 at 11:20 PM in category ramblings

Damn. It's almost 11:00 and I've got nothing.

I'm supposed to write something here every day. If I don't then I get shit. I get accused of giving up. Of shutting down. My muse won't let me do either.

But what if, instead of giving up, instead of shutting down, I just run out of things to write? What if I just need to be rewound like a watch?

Hey, that's a good one. I'll use it.

I used to have this watch that was powered by arm movement. There was no battery. There was no little thingy on the side that you'd pull out to wind the watch. Instead, there was this pretty ingenious mechanism inside. An off-center flywheel that would spin around whenever you moved your arm, and that movement would wind up the spring.

I am so in need of a rewind.

I guess part of it is just that it's Thursday. Four days of nothing interesting happening. Four days without any movement to wind the spring inside me. I bet if I went back and checked, I'd find that Thursdays have been my weakest days for quite a while.

It wasn't always this way though. Last Fall, Thursdays would freak me the fuck out. I'd get nervous about the upcoming weekend and never find myself at a loss for words.

This isn't all because it's Thursday though. Something is definitely happening. I've been noticing it for a couple of weeks at least. I'm changing. I'm not sure how, or why, but something inside my head or my heart is...

I don't know. Searching for something maybe. Something that it's lost, or something that it never had? No, I think it's deeper than that. I feel like I'm searching for something to search for. Looking for a goal. For a guide. For a light at the end of some tunnel that I can at least get a sense of direction from.

That's not quite right either. Something is missing here.

I think it might be me.

Am I searching for what's left of myself? Is there anything left to find? Would I recognize it if I found it?

Would I run away?

UPDATE: Thinking about this some more, I don't think that searching is the right word. That would require (a)an actual desire, and (b)actual effort.

I think all I'm doing is wondering. Something is missing, and I'm wondering what it is.

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