I've got nothing.

I know, I always say that. I always say that then I usually still manage to shit out an entry. An entry about something, which by definition is not nothing.

Anyway, I wonder if I'll ever look back at this time in my life with anything even remotely resembling fondness. I really can't imagine it happening. I can't imagine ever thinking you know, that was a pretty exciting and interesting time for me, or boy, I sure learned a lot about myself back then, or at least I wasn't bored, or even that was a really tough period of my life, but I came out of it as a better person than I went in as.

Speaking of this whole something vs. nothing debate - If the word complicated is used to describe it, that makes it a something, right?

Right?

I mean, if it was nothing then why bother to assign an adjective?

But I digress.

Offer me a pill that would erase the last two years of my life, and I'd take it in a heartbeat. Show me a time machine that would let me go back, back to before I went out that night, and I'd sell my soul for a chance to make that trip.

Alternatively, if given a chance to jump ahead, to skip forward in time to some imagined day when all of this bullshit is in my past and exists only in my memory instead of forming such an integral part of my consciousness - well, you just try stopping me from jumping at that opportunity.

Most people are going to read this, and they're going to shake their heads. Nat will probably want to kick my ass, again. Most people will read this and they'll figure that I'm being a little too dramatic, again.

Most people who read this just aren't going to understand.

But that's okay, because I'm right in the fucking middle of it, and I don't understand it either.

I am learning a lot about myself. I won't deny that. But some lessons are too hard-fought. Some prices are too steep. Some stones are better left unturned. Some monsters are better left lurking in the shadows.

Let me go back to before, and I'll go. Let me move ahead to after, and I'll go.

I'll go. Either would be better than this fucking now I find myself standing in.