posted by dave on Sunday, March 26, 2006 at 11:59 PM in category ramblings

My sanity is like a game of emotional Jenga right now. It could collapse at any moment.

I wrote that simile in an email today, and I immediately liked it. I'd like it a fuck of a lot more if it wasn't so true.

I figure that there are two people on Earth that know what I'm talking about right now. Then there are maybe one or two more that could guess. Those numbers will grow over the next few days and perhaps weeks until eventually most of the people in my life will know.

And then, once they know, they'll all turn to look at me. To watch me crumble into dust. Again.

Some of them will, I'm convinced, watch with genuine concern, with sympathy and empathy. Those are the people that truly care about me. They will feel pain because I will feel pain. And for that I am both eternally grateful and profoundly sorry.

The rest of you, the rest of you who will watch this happen to me with nothing but amusement and smugness and self-righteousness, don't let me catch you giggling and pointing in my direction. Don't let me see you rolling your eyes at me as you dismiss my pain with a wave of your hand. I will take you down with me. I will fucking tear you apart.

There is actually irony here. I've often used this scenario to describe how much worse things could get. I was living in the eighth circle of Hell, but I could always point to the ninth circle and say, "You know, maybe it isn't so bad here after all. Those poor souls really have it rough."

Well, I'm about to relocate.

Those words which I've used to describe what's the worst that could happen have suddenly and horribly been transformed from impossible nightmare into cold hard fact. I seem to be, so far, unable to accept it. I seem to be refusing to accept it and recognize it for what it is. I imagine that I will continue to refuse to accept it until this protective bubble bursts, until that camel's back breaks, until that last game piece is moved and everything collapses.

My sanity is like a game of emotional Jenga right now. It could collapse at any moment.

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