posted by dave on Monday, April 3, 2006 at 7:34 AM in category ramblings

This whole death thing. It's a metaphor.

Well, except for that entry I made on the 26th about dying. That wasn't a metaphor, it was a hypothetical situation.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to physically die anytime soon. As sure as any of us can be, anyway, which isn't very.

All this recent death talk is not about my body physically dying. It's about this life that I'm living coming to an end.

There is a difference.

I've written that I died when I found out that she'd moved away. That was the same thing, the same concept. I lived to be near her, but it was no longer an option. I kept breathing during that time, I just stopped wanting to breathe and I had a tough time coming up with a good reason to keep doing it.

Well, the reason that I came up with was an understandable one I suppose. A stupid one, to be sure, but it kept me going for a long time.

That reason was hope.

Though I spent most of my time denying its existence, just as I'd spent most of my time denying the feelings that came before it, hope did exist for me. A very small spark of hope it was, but when held up against the blackness that I found myself in, that small spark was all that I needed to keep going. To keep breathing. Because, you never know.

Well, now that hope is in its death throes, and when it's gone, so will this life that I've been living. The hole in my heart has a specific size and shape, and that which would have filled that hole is about to change both.

That was me, trying to be funny. Three people will get the joke.

Once this hope dies, I'll have to come up with another reason to breathe.

I have no idea what that reason might be. For now, it's simple denial that's keeping me alive. But that won't last forever.

I'm not stupid, you know. I recognize what this means. At least my brain does. It's only a matter of time before my heart realizes it. Once that happens, I'll die again.

Metaphorically, anyway.

post a comment

If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.

I'll pretty much approve anything except SPAM comments, or comments that clearly have no purpose except to piss me off, or comments that are insulting to a previous commenter.

Use anything you want for your name and email address. I think it has to at least look like a valid email address though.

mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

search main 'blog





Search word(s)
   help me!

blog favorites

the convenience of grief
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
nothing personal
the one
dream sweet dreams for me
the willow bends and so do i
on bloodied ground
lack of inertia
thinning the herd
or maybe not
here's looking at you
what i miss
who wants to play?
feverish thoughts
the devil inside?
my cat ate my homework
don't say i didn't warn you
my god, it's full of stars
hold on a second, koko, i'm writing something
you know?
apples and oranges
happy new year
pissing on the inside
remembering dad

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.