Right now I want to write something, but that thing which I want to write, or at least that thing which I think I want to write - it continues to evade me.
I do catch glimpses of it every now and then, though. Fleeting flashes of something that, if I could just get a good look, I know would be worthy of a great entry.
Great being relative, of course. You have to consider the source.
I've learned, or been reminded of, some very important lessons over this past week or so. I've done a lot of soul-searching. I've done more than my fair share of feeling sorry for myself. I've drank a lot of beer.
Whatever it is that I'm doing, it's not working. Whatever it is that I'm trying to accomplish here in this life, on this planet, it eludes me. Whatever it is that I'm looking to get out of all of this, it's just not happening.
I need to learn to deal with these failures, and I'm really trying to do just that. But it's hard to truly allow myself to cope with this disappointment when I'm not even sure what I'm disappointed with. It's like I walk through life wearing shoes that just don't quite fit.
I think that I'm pretty good at putting myself into another person's position. Understanding their motives and their desires. I don't always like what this empathy shows me, but each bit of understanding brings with it a speck of compassion. It cannot be helped. The two go hand-in-hand.
The problem is, the problem is that I've become so focused on trying to decipher and understand the motives and feelings of certain others, I've lost touch with my own inner workings.
I don't know what it is that I want. I just know that what I have is not it.
So I reach out blindly and I reflexively close my fingers around anything and everything I can touch. I pull my hand close to my face and I open my fingers and I look at my prize and I wonder Is this what I've been missing?
Random chance may eventually give me what I want, but it hasn't happened yet.
Maybe I should try something else.
Maybe I should give up.
This is drivel, I know.
There's no point to this entry, and if you've read this far hoping for one, then I apologize.
I guess I'm just in shock.
I understand that much at least.