Wanting to do something, that doesn't make me a bad person.

Having to use every bit of restraint that I have left in me to keep from doing something, that doesn't make me a bad person either.

Nope, what makes me a bad person is that I will not allow myself to learn from this. Just as I've not allowed myself to learn from any of the dozen or so almost identical episodes.

What makes me a bad person is that I will not allow myself to simply be that which I claim to be. I have to be someone else. Someone tempted yet restrained.

Some kind of fucking martyr to my own desires.

Poor, poor me.