One of the fringe benefits of taking a trip like the one I just took is that I'm given the opportunity to think. Actually, I'm forced to think. I don't have one of those fancy satellite radio thingies in my truck, nor do I have a working CD or cassette player. I don't really enjoy searching for radio stations only to have each one degrade into static after an hour or so.

So, I think.

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Of course, the timing of this change sets off lights and buzzers in my head. Don't think that I haven't noticed the timing, because I have. I always notice the timing when it indicates that something might have something to do with you know who.

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But I think it really goes deeper than that. This feeling that I have with me now, it's one of almost overwhelming disappointment. With everything in my life and with everyone in my life. I look forward to certain things, or to seeing certain people. I almost put my life on hold waiting for, I don't know, waiting for something that just isn't happening. I anticipate seeing my friends, and then they either don't show up or, when they do, it's just never enough to satisfy me.

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This might be the most obvious thing ever, to anyone who's been reading me for any length of time, but I didn't really get it until today while I was driving through Ohio. I've completely lost sight of who I am.

I'm trying to see myself through other peoples' eyes, because I've lost the ability to see within my own head and my own heart. I no longer know what it is that motivates me. I don't even know if there's anything to know. It's like that old joke, I not only don't know anything, I don't even suspect anything.

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And so, when the familiar fails me, I run to the unfamiliar. At least then I know that expectations are bullshit.

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Plus, I can't help but think, every now and then, that somebody might notice that I'm gone, and maybe even wait for me to some back.