At work today we were "given the opportunity" to take an "entirely optional" personality profile test, the results of which would remain "completely anonymous."

Yeah, right.

But I succumbed to peer pressure and took the thing. If nothing else, It allowed me to kill an hour out of a very boring day.

You know those quizzes that bored people are always taking so they can put the results in their 'blog?

Well, this was like that. Just like a hangnail is like an amputation.

Hey! That could have been one of the questions!

Most quizzes are to this test as a hangnail is to ...

The test had a lot of questions like that. I hate that kind of question. They usually don't make any sense.

A floormat is to fried chicken as Batman is to ...
(a) The 1987 Denver Broncos.
(b) That one TeleTubby that everyone says is gay.
(c) Minced garlic.
(d) 3.14159

But even more than the analogy questions, I hate hate hate hate the number sequence questions

Please complete the following number sequence: 4, 8, 23, 1, 86.2 33.88888 ...
(a) 3.14159
(b) 12
(c) -721
(d) 0

About a quarter of the test was made up of bullshit questions like those above. A large portion of the rest consisted of multiple-choice stuff.

A woodchuck who can chuck wood can chuck _______ cords of wood:
(a) 4
(b) 3
(c) 2
(d) 1

Let's see, there were also a bunch of standard math questions which weren't too tough. I like math.

My favorite (note italics, denoting sarcasm) part of the test was where you had to indicate which of two choice you'd prefer more, and how much more you'd prefer it. I hated these questions, because the choices were so different that it made comparisons very hard.

Indicate your preference between doing your taxes, or being a featured guest on the Jerry Springer show:
(a) Strongly prefer the first option.
(b) Slightly prefer the first option.
(c) Slight prefer the second option.
(d) Strongly prefer the second option.

Anyway, I made it through the approximately 250 questions in an hour or so. Then I got my "confidential" results in an email.

I was pleasantly surprised with the accuracy of the results:

First of all, wow! I had no idea that there were people in the world as cool as you are. Please tell me your name, as I plan to name all of my future children after you, in the hope that they might someday grow up to be just like you. Also, based on your answer to the woodchuck question, it's obvious that your dick must be fucking huge!

There are, however, a couple of things that should be mentioned. You know, just for the sake of completeness. You seem to have a fairly low tolerance for stupid people, and I can imagine that this is very difficult for you since everyone is stupid by comparison. You might want to work on your tolerance. Or not, it's up to you. I mean really, who am I to tell you what to do?

Your results also indicate that you have fairly high standards for attractiveness when evaluating potential sexual partners. I'm just saying, it's what the results indicate. I don't really think that's a problem for you, but this checklist I'm looking at says I'm supposed to mention it. Fuck, I'd be the same way if I were as cool as you and had all those women throwing themselves at me all the time.

This isn't really that kind of a test, but I'm going to give you an A+ anyway. What're they gonna do, fire me?