posted by dave on Wednesday, July 19, 2006 at 1:14 AM in category ramblings

I've had such a bad few days. I'm not really sure that I can describe it, or if I even want to, or if I should.

It takes such a small push, to tip me away from sadness and into something better. The tiniest of efforts can make me human again, for a while at least. But it's that tiniest bit of effort that still seems to be too much to ask for. Or hope for. Or expect.

I'm so out of balance, on this imaginary scale of emotion I keep in my head. I used to be centered. Content was the word I used. Things would happen or not happen, and I'd swing to sadness or happiness for a while, but then I'd always spring back to the center.

I guess my center has shifted, because content is no longer the place where I come to rest. Content takes imagination and willpower that I no longer possess. Content is a goal I now seem to attain only with help from other people.

This is a bad thing, of course. Because, as a general rule, other people cannot be counted on.

To have my own mood hinge on, for example, another person's ability to reply to a text message - this is beyond ludicrous and I know it. I know it and yet there it is. And here I am. Trying not to feel insulted and isolated. Trying not to see that hint that I'm just positive is there.

Trying to will myself back to center, but all the while knowing that I'll need that push.

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