So tonight I said goodbye to SassyGirl. She's fleeing the country and I probably won't ever see her again - despite promises to the contrary.
I feel like such a shithead.
I will miss SassyGirl very much. I will miss her more than I could describe here, in this journal.
But, and this bothers me to feel this way just as it bothers me to write this, but in the grand scheme of things this is nothing.
Nothing at all.
SassyGirl leaving, my best friend leaving, this is just another straw dropped onto this poor camel's back. But this camel's back has been broken for a very long time. One more straw means nothing in the grand scheme of things.
You know what her leaving does to me?
Go ahead, guess.
What it does to me is this - it reminds me of another time, almost two years ago, when another girl left. When another girl left and I died inside.
Tonight, I hugged SassyGirl goodbye. I told her to take care of herself. I kissed her cheek. I told her to keep in touch. I told her I loved her.
Two years ago, someone else left my life. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to hug her. I didn't get to kiss her cheek. I didn't get to tell her I loved her.
I didn't get to do shit.
Except die inside. I fucking nailed that.
Tonight, I said goodbye to SassyGirl. Tonight this should have been important. This should have been memorable.
But it wasn't.
Instead, it was a reminder. A reminder of someone else.
I'm such a shithead.
I will miss SassyGirl very much.
But I miss, I will continue to miss another the way a flower misses the Sun and the rain.
This is who I am. This is what I do.
I don't have to like it very much, but I do have to accept it.
Eventually, maybe I'll manage that feat.