posted by dave on Saturday, December 9, 2006 at 3:30 PM in category ramblings

I've written before, how I can take everything around me and only see the worst part of it. I've written how I can take the tiniest thing and turn it into a slap to my face.

This is a problem I have. I'm aware of it, and I watch it. I watch myself. I try to be a little less quick to judge. I try to count to ten before I react. I try to put myself in another's shoes.

Sometimes this works. Sometimes the mountains reveal themselves as molehills. Sometimes the dismissals and cold-heartedness are only in my head.

But what if they're real?

I really think that I've done everything I could reasonably be expected to do here, to salvage this. I've reached out way beyond my comfort zone. I've tried again and again. Much more often than I normally would. Multiple attempts via multiple means. And I've gotten nothing. Not even a slap in the face. Just nothing.

I don't know why I haven't given this up. I think that most people would have by now. I know that I would have, if only this had happened a couple of years ago. If it had happened before.

There's nothing left for me to try without seeming insane and obsessed. I need to give up this particular ship. Some things cannot be salvaged. But maybe, just maybe, I can stop from being pulled under myself. Maybe I can save myself.

And now, I'm going to go eat dinner.

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