I'm really hoping that this is the last time I bore you with boring dream crap. But this one I can't get out of my head, and I fear that I'll explode if I don't write about it.
You know how dreams can fade so quickly that sometimes you're not even sure that you had them? How, for a minute or two, you can remember them, but after that it blurs and fades?
Yeah well that's usually what happens with my dreams anyway. But not tonight.
Tonight, I remembered. I remembered, and with each passing minute that memory has become more and more clear.
I wish I could say that it was a beautiful ceremony, but I'd only be guessing. I only got to see the end, after all. The part where it was already over with. The part where they kissed as husband and wife for the first time. That part, the part that I saw, was pretty nice.I ripped myself form that dream as forcefully as from any nightmare I've ever had. I jumped from my couch. I turned on the television. I went downstairs and shot pool for an hour.
She was so beautiful in her wedding dress. He was so dashing in his tuxedo. Everyone was smiling and clapping as they kissed. Everyone was so happy for them. I was so happy for them. This had been a long time coming, after all.
Their lips parted, and I noticed that her veil was still down. That's weird, I thought.
She turned to her left to face the crowd, and she lifted her veil, and she saw me, and she looked at me.
He turned to his right and he looked at me.
The pastor, looking oddly enough like Cheech Marin, looked at me.
Everyone in the room turned and looked at me.
It was as if everyone there knew something that I didn't.
As I pondered this, I noticed one of the groomsmen, smiling and smug and fat. He certainly doesn't belong there, I thought. He's an asshole. Why is he up there, and not me?
Because, I reminded myself. She didn't want me to be here at all. Because it would be weird for her. For them. For me.
Everyone in the room was looking at me.
At first, at first I tried to convince myself that it was only because I'd arrived so late. So unexpectedly. So unwelcome. I was the turd in the punchbowl.
I tried to convince myself of that, but I could feel that lie slipping from me like sand though my fingers.
Everyone in the room knew something that I didn't. But I was starting to suspect, and certainty, certainty was the last thing I wanted.
But I was too late. Just as I'd been too late in the dream, I'd been too late in waking up from that dream.
A wise man once wrote that dreams are the result of the brain, trying to make sense of the nearly random firings of neurons that occur during sleep. That the brain will conjure up imagery and sensations that, while not exactly relevant to the waking world, are often a very close approximation. At least if you tilt your head and squint a certain way.
Dreams are not a glimpse into the future. They are psychological manifestations of simple biochemical reactions.
At least, that's what I hope they are.
I kinda wish that I was the kind of person who prayed, because then I'd pray that it was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream. Please, God, let it be just a dream.