I just spent quite a bit of time looking back through my old entries, to see if I've already written about this. I'm pretty sure that I have, but I couldn't find it.
So maybe I'm having an actual original thought. Wouldn't that be something?
Anyway, one of my many problems is that too often I think that I'm more important than I really am. Not to everyone, just to the people who are most important to me.
It's like I think, This person is very important to me, so I must be very important to this person. This is something that we share. We are important to each other.
A while ago, this problem reared its ugly head. I got an email with some very very very disturbing news. Basically akin to a death sentence, metaphorically anyway. And as if the news itself wasn't bad enough, I was one of about ten people who got that same email. I remember thinking, Wow, this news really sucks donkey balls and, more than that, I really fucking wish that she'd told me in person.
I wanted special treatment. I felt like I deserved special treatment. Because she is very special to me, a part of me just assumed that the reverse was also true. Even now, the realization that I'm wrong about that assumption is not something I'm able to accept.
So I'm basically being a baby. I haven't responded to the email. I'm still waiting to talk to her, to give her a chance to talk about it with me in person. It wouldn't soften the pain that this news has rained down upon me, but it might make it a little easier for me to accept, if I knew that it was bothering her even a zillionth as much as it's bothering me.
Look, I don't mind being a nobody to the other seven billionish people on Earth. Another face in the crowd, another address in an email. But to be generic to that handful of people who are anything but generic to me?
I don't like that feeling very much.
Not very much at all.
Plus, I've got this fucking cold.