I'm not really sure how to express this. I might write some drivel and then delete it because it's stupid. Or maybe not. Some of you people have come to expect, and even desire, drivel from me.

Where to start?

I had a brief lunch with NotHideousGirl today. And it was nice and pleasant, and she's lovely and witty. I talked to EllaGirl for a while after that, and it was intriguing and enchanting, and she's pretty and funny.

Perfectly normal stuff.

But then, after EllaGirl was called away, I allowed myself to imagine that MixedSignalGirl was there with me. And it was poignant and burning, and she was beautiful and incredible and delicious. And I wanted to cry.

And, after a while, I went back to work. And I was fine.

I went to Rich O's after work. And while I was there I saw the ghost. And it was heart-rending and exhilarating and stunning, and the ghost was sparkling and burning and radiant. And I wanted to cry.

And, after a while, I came home. And I was fine.

I am, for today anyway, I am in control of my emotions. I can feel what I want to feel, when I want to feel it. And then I can turn off those feelings when I no longer want them.

This is fucking huge.

Because I don't want to bury these things so deeply that they're effectively absent from my life. But neither do I want them to control my life and maybe even define my life.

I want what I want, but only when I want it.

This is fucking huge.

I hope it lasts beyond today.

I'm afraid to go to sleep.