posted by dave on Sunday, April 15, 2007 at 1:54 AM in category ramblings

I suppose I should write something now. I mean, a little while ago I had such a sudden urge to write that I detoured into Borders to buy a new notebook and pen.

Problem is, I don't really have a topic in mind. Except this one particular topic that nobody cares about except me. One which is definitely XXX rated.

The other problem is, I don't think I like this new notebook very much. It's too small, and the pages have vertical lines as well as horizontal ones.

I'm having flashbacks of the graphing exercises that I had to do in junior high.

Anyway, I'm definitely feeling a strong sense of desperation lately. And I'm pretty sure that I don't like it. Mainly because it's not what I'd expect from myself. It's kinda weird. I'm not desperate for anything in particular. Nope, I'm desperate for something else. Anything else.

Something, anything, other than that which occupies my thoughts about every three minutes.

Yes, I timed the fucker. I was curious.

Because without this elusive something else, I fear that some bad shit is about to happen.

See, I know myself well enough to be able to tell when I'm about to do something stupid, but I don't know myself well enough to have any idea how to prevent it.

I'll use fishing metaphors to describe how my desperation is manifesting itself. Partly because it's fitting, but mostly because I can't think of anything else right now.

For the longest time, I was a spear-fisherman. It was a satisfying life. I didn't get a lot of fish, but the ones I did get were all good. All ones I'd wanted, aimed at.

But sometimes I'd miss. Sometimes it seemed that I'd miss fucking everything. For days or weeks or months or years at a time.

So I always kept a baited hook dangling in the water. My backup plan. Just in case I might get a bite.

Seriously, this fishing crap sounded a lot better in my head.

Oh well, I might as well finish it.

Lately, like for the last couple of weeks, spear-fishing and bait-fishing haven't been working for me. There have been no fish which seemed worthy of a throw and, I've come to realize, the fish who do take my bait are never worth keeping.

So, now, I'll finally get to the fucking point.

For the last couple of weeks, I've found myself doing something different. Something lazy.

Cheating almost.

I've been casting a net.

And I've been catching a lot of fish, but still I'm finding no keepers.

I toss them all back into the water, and I cast my net again.

It's frustrating. I'm starving to death here, but none of the fish I catch are worth keeping.

Maybe next I'll try fishing with dynamite.

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