posted by dave on Sunday, April 1, 2007 at 3:30 AM in category ramblings

You know how some blogs have those My Mood thingies at the top of every entry? Right below the Currently Listening To thingy?

I've never had either one of those in my blog. The former because it's stupid and usually redundant, and the latter because I don't listen to music often enough to want it to define me.

Anyway, I was thinking about my mood just now. Trying to come up with a word to describe it. I'm sure that the proper word exists, but I'll be damned if I can think of it.

The word disillusioned is pretty close, I guess. So is disgusted. And annoyed.

But none of those words are quite exactly right.

As recently as Thursday, the word unmotivated would have been quite appropriate. But now, now it's more than that. The lack of motivation that I noticed then, it has mutated, evolved into something else. Something more.

So, here's the deal.

I give up.

Those things that I want out of this life? They're beyond me. They always have been and they always will be beyond me. Wanting and hoping and dreaming and even trying are all wastes of my time. Mine and that of the people unfortunate enough to be around me.

So, fuck it. Let everyone else play the happiness game. I'll no longer watch from the sidelines, and I'll no longer dream of the day when I finally get to play. I'm sick of sitting on the bench, and so I'm not going to do it anymore.

The universe can find someone else to warm its fucking bench. I'm done.

I hope this mood lasts. It suits me.

comments (2)

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.
Anything I can do?

Do not assume that I feel bad. There's a perverse satisfaction in knowing that I feel exactly the way I should.

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