You know what I hate? Besides everything, I mean?

I hate the way that the entire context of my life changed Saturday night. How, now, no matter what I do or say or don't do or don't say, it all takes on a new relevance simply because LaptopGirl is in town.

There's a spotlight on me now, and all I can do is stand on the stage like a fucking retard. I don't sing, and I don't dance, but people still have their eyes glued to the stage. To see what I'll do.

Like, if I go to Rich O's after work today, then it's clearly because I love her and I'm hoping to run into her. And people will talk.

Or, if I go straight home after work, then I must be trying to avoid her because I hate her guts. And people will talk.

If I take a fucking shower tomorrow morning, will it be because she's in town? If I skip the shower, will it be because I've given up?

Fuck that. I hate it.

I was whining to NotHideousGirl about this today at lunch. She suggested that I just do whatever I want to do, and that I don't allow this change in context to affect any of my decisions.

Well, duh.

Of course that would be the correct play. If I were a self-centered asshole.

But I'm not, contrary to semi-popular belief. I find myself far too often caring about the comfort of certain others.

Like, when LaptopGirl said the word awkward after I waved at her. I cannot ignore that.

So, this sucks.

I can never go to Rich O's again for the rest of my life, so that she won't feel awkward.

I must go to Rich O's every night for the rest of my life, to show that I'm not afraid.

There is a solution to all of this. Unfortunately it's even harder to do than it is to say or spell it.

Spontaneous combustion.

That's the answer for me.

Of course, people would still misinterpret it, but I wouldn't be around to care.