I actually feel a little bit guilty, like I've stolen this mood. Plundered some dusty tomb, to get at the treasures hidden inside my own memories. Alternatively, sometimes it feels like I've imagined the whole thing; like I'm lying to myself and to everyone around me.
But, truth be told, this is not a nostalgic mood, clinging to me from the past. And this is not a hopeful mood, beckoning from the future. This is a happy mood, and it's happening right now. The present that has been so bleak for so long has suddenly grown lush and colorful.
It's very hard to convince myself that this is real. That this is my mood, to do with what I wish. That this is my smile, and my laugh. It just doesn't seem right, that I could be happy. It doesn't quite fit.
There are those who would say that I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe they're right. Maybe that's why I feel guilty.