posted by dave on Sunday, June 24, 2007 at 11:12 PM in category ramblings

My estimate is thirty seconds. A friend of mine disagreed with that estimate. A few days at least, she said. But she doesn't know. She couldn't know. She hasn't seen, she hasn't heard, she hasn't felt or smelled the things I have.

Thirty seconds.

That's how long it would take. That's how much time I would have. Thirty seconds in which to say something or do something that could (re?)open that door. Maybe change everything for the better, for both of us.

The problem is, I don't know exactly when that narrow opportunity will present itself. I just know that it will. It's coming, sooner than later by my estimation. And, odds are, I won't be anywhere near where I'd need to be. Like right in front of her. That fact, of course, sucks.

Fuck, those thirty seconds could have come and gone while I was typing that last paragraph.

I'm not afraid to say or do whatever it takes. It's absolutely not a problem of fear. It's a problem of timing. Everything always boils down to timing. Too soon, and I'm an asshole. I'm every other guy on Earth, trying to take advantage of someone's sudden vulnerability.

Too late, and well, I'm too fucking late.

People tell me stuff. And when I say people I mean this one person. It's kind of a running and recurring theme of things that are wrong with me. A cacophony of criticism, if you will.

I don't say what's really on my mind. I don't say what I really want. I don't make myself vulnerable. I wait too long.

Maybe these are hints. I don't think so, though. I think that, at most, they're excuses. But exactly what they are is most definitely not relevant to this developing situation. To this looming opportunity.

I'm on edge. Waiting for those thirty seconds. Timing may prevent me from using this opportunity. But fear certainly will not. I will say what's really on my mind. I will say what I really want. I will make myself vulnerable.

I may end up waiting too long. But, if I do, it won't be by choice.

I must have spent ten minutes typing this entry.

I hope I'm not too late already.

post a comment

If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.

I'll pretty much approve anything except SPAM comments, or comments that clearly have no purpose except to piss me off, or comments that are insulting to a previous commenter.

Use anything you want for your name and email address. I think it has to at least look like a valid email address though.

mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

search main 'blog

Year

Month

Category

Author

Search word(s)
   help me!

blog favorites

searching
awakening
the convenience of grief
apology
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
paradise
nothing personal
the one
dream sweet dreams for me
the willow bends and so do i
on bloodied ground
r.i.p.
lack of inertia
gray
thinning the herd
or maybe not
here's looking at you
what i miss
peril
who wants to play?
feverish thoughts
the devil inside?
perseverance
my cat ate my homework
don't say i didn't warn you
forgiveness
my god, it's full of stars
hold on a second, koko, i'm writing something
you know?
apples and oranges
happy new year
pissing on the inside
ramblings
remembering dad


Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.