It's only a matter of time before all this eye-rolling in my head breaks through to the surface. It's really nothing personal though. It's just that my first instinct, more often than not lately, has been one of anger, or disappointment, or frustration.
I think that, at my most basic and primitive level, I'm a bit of an asshole. And an idiot, mustn't forget that.
I cannot intellectually justify the irritation that I've been feeling, because there is no intellectual justification for it. It's all bullshit, but it's bullshit that's hard-wired into me. I can't change my instincts any more than a VCR can make toast.
So I keep hearing about all this crap, and I keep being watched for a reaction. Eventually I'm going to roll my eyes and piss someone off or, even worse, hurt someone's feelings.
Lately, every instinct I've had has been completely incongruent with my own sense of who I am and of who I want to be. It's a pretty shitty way to live, being in constant disagreement with oneself. This has been going on for weeks.
Also, this has been a really annoying entry to write. This is like the sixth time I've tried. I know exactly what I want to say, but how to say it - that has been eluding me.
I need a vacation from myself.