One of the things I scribbled into my notebook yesterday, I mean besides all the crap about being out of style, was that I've been finding myself very irritated with some people lately. This might not seem to be anything new for me. I am, after all, a bit of a grouch. But this recent irritation has been new.
I'm finding myself irritated with a lot of those people who are, on paper at least, closest to me. They keep telling me stuff that (a) is none of my business, and (b) I'm not sure how to respond to, and (c) they think will provoke a specific reaction.
I think that it's that last thing that's been bothering me the most. That there's always an unspoken expectation that I'm going to react to whatever I've just been told. And, beyond that, there's hope that I'm going to react in a certain way. There's always that little pause after they tell me things. They pause, and they look at me, and they wait to see how I react. To see if I react the way they want me to react.
Here's an example, which may or may not be from real life.
A friend of mine tells me that she's going to go flirt with some guy. Then she pauses. She looks at me. To see how I react to that statement. What am I, a fucking mind-reader? Am I supposed to be an encouraging friend? Am I supposed to be a little jealous? Fuck if I know. Stop looking at me like that.
It's the damn pause and the damn look that irritates me. It makes me feel like I'm back in school and the teacher has just called on me for an answer that I don't know.
I don't like this entry. I should have written it after a couple of beers. Oh, well. Too late now.