We have such an oddly strained relationship, sleep and I.

I've spent a good portion of the last few years wishing for sleep, but finding it unattainable. And I've spent a very large portion of the last couple of months trying to avoid sleep, but finding it unavoidable.

Tonight, I wish that I could just stay up. Stay awake all night and then somehow manage to function at work tomorrow despite the lack of sleep.

What used to be an escape for me, it's transformed into something else. A nuisance, I guess. A biological obligation that I'd rather do without.

I don't want to sleep tonight. I can't shake the feeling that I might miss something wonderful.

And besides, I've got crap to think about.

Like, a short while ago, in an email to RockGirl, I joked about being tested. And passing that test with flying colors. And being rewarded for passing. It was all fun and games, but there was also truth buried underneath my words.

And now, now I feel like I'm truly being tested. And I don't have the slightest idea what it is I'm being tested for. Friendship? Loyalty? Honesty? I believe that I can (and should!) pass any test for those qualities. But what about the more advanced topics?

What about compassion? What about empathy? What about those things for which there is no right answer, only the illusion of correctness that my own point-of-view and my own perspective brings?

And what if the test is made up entirely of trick questions, only I'm not sure that they're really trick questions at all?

I wish I didn't have to sleep tonight.

I could spend the entire night thinking about what I've seen and heard recently. I could spend the entire night figuring out exactly what it is that this test is supposed to be measuring.

And then I could decide whether I wanted to pass that test or not. And whether I want to cheat or not.