It would do me absolutely no good at all, to know exactly when, exactly what, triggered our derailment. It's not like I could do anything about it, what with it being in the past and all.
But I still wonder. A lot. More, I'm sure, than is healthy for me.
What/where/when/why did things go so awry between us? What it truly my fault, as I've always assumed? Or was it merely the result of a misinterpretation or an exaggeration of something I did or said or wrote?
It was so fucking sudden. Everything was fine and dandy. Then, a second later, everything was fucked-up. And I suddenly didn't even know her anymore. And suddenly I wasn't sure that I wanted to know her anymore.
I honestly don't know where we stand these days, in regard to each other. Outside? Inside? On the line? What line?
What fucking line?
I guess I think that, if I knew for sure what had caused this, then maybe I'd know that thing which is more important than anything else.
Maybe I'd know if it was fixable.
But, I don't know shit. I only suspect shit.
And I suspect that things are irreparable.
And I wish I knew why.