I've noticed something lately. A change in myself, besides the one I keep rambling about. A more subtle change. A change in my reasons for writing my drivel.
It's not a particularly good reason, but it wasn't a particularly good reason before. Most of the world, I'm sure, hasn't even noticed this change. But I've noticed it. I've noticed it, and I don't like it very much.
A long time ago it happened, more often than not, that I wrote my drivel in an attempt to get a reaction. Good, bad, whatever. It didn't matter to me, as long as a reaction came.
Well, no reaction ever came. No matter what I wrote, it was always wasted. But that was a long time ago. And I pretty much gave up. And my writing suffered greatly. It suffered greatly for a very long time.
But then, then something changed. Both externally, and internally, everything changed.
Now, I don't write in an attempt to get a reaction to my drivel. Nope, I awoke from that particular dream a long time ago. What often I'm doing now - and again, I'm not proud of this, is I'm testing the limits of what I can get away with.
So far, I'm getting away with all kinds of things.
It won't last, though. Nothing ever does.
Eventually I'm going to find, and surpass, the limit of what I can write without ruining everything. Eventually, I'm going fuck this up.
Consider this a preemptive apology. I need to do this now, because when that fateful day comes, I expect to be busy kicking myself in the ass.