posted by dave on Friday, December 7, 2007 at 12:38 AM in category ramblings

Strength can seem to come from the strangest places. Usually, it deludes us into thinking it comes from something or someone besides the person needing the strength. A friend, a lover, a god, a therapist. I won't pretend to know much about any of those things, but I do know where strength comes from.

Sometimes, I open my eyes a little, and I look around me. I don't do this very often, though. It's too much.

I see a downward spiral, and I hear a silent scream, and I know that I cannot help, because I fear being caught in the downdraft. And this tears at me, but I do what I can. I cannot slow her fall, but I will be there to help her stand back up.

I see unbelievable grief, and I know that I cannot help, because I can never fully understand. And this tears at me, but I do what I can. I cannot ease her grief, but I can be there when she wants to feel normal for a minute or an hour or a day.

I see infinite patience, in an endless battle with infinite disappointment. And, I fear that perfect balance is shifting in the wrong direction. And this tears at me, but I do what I can. I cannot give her advice, for I could never be objective, but I can support every decision she makes. Even if I think it's wrong.

I see unwarranted guilt, blame that is reflected straight back because in any other direction it might be lost forever. And I know that I cannot help, because I am irrelevant to her pain. And this tears at me, but I do what I can. Which, in this case, isn't much. I try to be a friend even when that seems way too shallow a goal.

I see a valiant struggle for independence, and I know that I cannot help, for independence is self-defining. And this tears at me, but I do what I can. I applaud her and I cheer for her, and I hope that my support is appreciated.

Strength comes from one place. Inside each of us. Every other source is naught but an illusion. Nobody can give you strength, and nobody can take strength away from you. It's yours, and it will always be yours.

It will always be there, you just have to look.

Yeah, right. Like I fucking know anything about anything . I struggle, just like everyone struggles. I need strength, just like everyone needs strength.

I can find strength. I just have to know where to look.

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