I didn't need to be tried, convicted, and sentenced, at a trial I didn't even know was happening, with a so-called friend as the judge and the jury.

So much would be different, right now, if that trial had never happened. Or if I'd had a chance to defend myself.

For one thing, I'd still have my friend.

For another thing, I wouldn't be sitting here with a million questions, none with answers, all striving to distract me.

For another thing, I wouldn't feel like I was cheating myself, by not paying complete attention to what's really important in my life.

I don't need a fucking distraction, but that's what I've got. Even now, sitting in this chair, I find myself distracted. Wondering why.

It must be nice, I think, to be able to flip a switch and turn feelings off. It must be nice, I'm sure, to be able to yank on a chain and watch emotions swirl down a drain. It must be nice, I bet, to be able to close a door and seal yourself off from happy memories of one of the few people who actually gives a shit about you.

I didn't need this shit. And I didn't need you. So why, I wonder, why do I need you now?

The timing is terrible.