posted by dave on Saturday, March 1, 2008 at 1:29 AM in category ramblings

Things were weird.

I caught myself, several times, saying things. Things that were the absolute objective truth, but at the same time things that I absolutely did not believe. Because I found that I could no longer be objective. Basically, I lied my ass off, because I was less afraid of lying than I was of saying what I really thought.

I doubt that any of that makes any sense. It barely makes sense to me, and I'm the one who wrote it. Whatever.

I've written several times, in the past, that the right thing isn't always, or even often, the easy thing. Tonight, I think that statement caught up with me a little bit. I found myself doing the easy thing, saying the easy words, suggesting the easy path.

I know why I did what I did, said what I said, suggested what I suggested. And I also know that I was wrong when I did those things. And I knew all along, even while it was happening, that I was wrong. I knew, all along, that I was taking the easy way out because it was, at that time, expected of me.

It was a weird feeling, kind of a shift in perspective that really took me by surprise. It surprised me so much that I let the inertia of expectations control me for the entire conversation. While I tried to come to grips with what I wanted to say, I continued to say those things that I was expected to say. I stuck with the script.

It was easier that way. But it wasn't right. Not right at all. The truth can be the truth a million times in a row, but if it's ever revealed to be false, I should acknowledge it as such.

I screwed up. I'm human, apparently. Sorry about that.

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